Chapter Seven
Jake
It took three attempts before the damn key fit in the lock. “Fuck,” I muttered to myself. “I had a little too much to drink tonight.”
I stumbled into the apartment and accidentally dropped my keys when I tried to hang them up by the door. Cursing again, I picked them up and set them on the kitchen counter. I turned on one light and headed to the sofa where I collapsed immediately. It was almost three in the morning. I had stayed longer than I had anticipated, but I was relieved that the deal was finally closed and everyone seemed happy.
Noah and Kristen would definitely be asleep. I wanted to check on Noah, but I decided to wait a little until I was a little steadier on my feet. I looked up and saw that Daphne was staring at me out of her frame. She seemed to be looking at me with pity and quite a bit of judgment.
“You have no right to judge me,” I told her fiercely. “You have absolutely no right. You left. You abandoned Noah and me.”
The more I stared at her, the more I could understand. She wasn’t just judging me. She didn’t just pity me. She was disappointed. I could see it in the arch of her eyebrows and the way her mouth was turned down at the corners. Her hazel eyes were filled with emotion. I had always thought it was contentment, an odd sense of peace that came with self-actualization and understanding, but now I saw it for what it really was. She was sad, she was scared, but most of all, she was relieved.
“How could you do that to us?” I demanded quietly. “You had no right to do what you did.”
Another memory reared its head, and I bent my head down, unable to look at her picture any longer. She was standing before me with tears in her eyes. She was reaching out for me, but I was turning away from her.
“Please, Jake,” she said, and her voice shook when she spoke. “Please try and understand.”
“I don’t understand,” I snapped. “Don’t expect me to.”
“You’re my husband,” she said, emphasizing the last word. “How could I not expect that?”
“How can you be so selfish?” I demanded, glaring at her.
“Because… Oh, Jake… I’m drowning,” she sobbed, and finally, the tears slipped free of her face.
I tried to push the memory aside, but it was too overpowering. All I could do was bend my head and wait for it to pass. I could feel her at my back, imploring me silently to turn around, to face her—but I couldn’t. I was too angry, too hurt, and too lost to offer her the comfort she needed.
“How… How am I supposed to do this?” I asked her. “I can’t—”
“You can,” she said, cutting me off. She came forward and grabbed my hand in both of hers. “Don’t you see, Jake? You always said that I was your rock. But you got it wrong. I was never the strong one… It was always you.”
I looked up at her and saw those perfect hazel eyes. I saw the woman I had fallen in love with, and I realized that she wasn’t really the same person. Not anymore. She had changed—she was different. There was something about her that I couldn’t recognize anymore, and that scared me.
“Is that it, then?” I demanded angrily, pulling my hand from hers. “You’re putting this all on me? You’re justifying your own selfishness by assuming I can handle it?”
“No, that’s not—”
“I don’t even want to look at you anymore,” I spat, turning away from her again.
I could feel her standing behind me, refusing to leave, hoping for my approval, my blessing. And yet, it was the oddest thing. I knew she was still there, behind me, but it was like she had already gone. I felt so completely alone at that moment that I realized I had already lost her.
“Jake,” she whispered my name. “Please… Please don’t turn your back on me.”
“Get out,” I said before I could stop myself. “Just leave me alone.”
I shook my head and focused on the coffee table in front of me. Noah’s building blocks and action figures were spread all over it. The memory had sobered me up, but it had also left me feeling deflated and hopeless. I got up and walked to the kitchen. The fridge was only half full, but there were a few containers that I didn’t recognize. I opened them up and found chicken and veggies. Despite having been refrigerated for a few hours, it still smelt good, so I microwaved a portion and ate leaning against the kitchen sink.
Once my stomach was full, I made my way down the hall towards Noah’s room. I realized his room door was slightly ajar. I glanced over at the opposite door where Kristen would be sleeping. There was perfect silence coming from inside. I pushed Noah’s door opened and peered in.
I stopped when I realized that Kristen was in the room with Noah. She was curled up on the edge of his bed with one arm thrown across the pillow. Noah was resting just underneath, snuggled into the curve of her body. His little hand was thrown across Kristen’s body as though he had fallen asleep hugging her.
I felt a pang when I saw the two of them like that, but I didn’t understand why I got so emotional at the sight. I happened to glance up at Noah’s chest of drawers at that moment, and I saw the small, framed photo of Daphne that I had placed there so that he would always feel like she was close by.
I stared at the picture for a moment. That photograph had been taken years ago, just before we had gotten married. Daphne was wearing a blush pink dress, and her auburn hair hung loosely around her shoulders. She was laughing, and her head was tilted up towards the sun. Her eyes weren’t clear in the snapshot, but it had always been one of my favorite memories of her. She had been more carefree back then.
Staring at her picture, the sudden realization that had been staring me in the face for months suddenly hit me. I balked slightly as I turned to Kristen to confirm what I had just realized.
They looked so similar to one another. That was what had been nagging me about Kristen this whole time. It was the reason I looked twice at her every time she walked into a room. It was the reason I thought about her sometimes at night without any rhyme or reason.
She looked like Daphne.
I walked into the room softly and looked down at my son curled up in Kristen’s arms. It was a beautiful sight, the way his arms clung to her, even in sleep. He had missed a mother figure in his life; I had known that for quite some time, I just hadn’t wanted to admit it to myself.
The more I looked at them, the more upset I got. I didn’t want Noah to form close attachments with random women who wouldn’t be in his life for long. The fact was that Kristen was not his mother, no matter how much like Daphne she happened to look.
As I backed away from the two of them, my feet against the floor made a scratching noise, and both Kristen and Noah stirred in their sleep. I saw Kristen’s eyes blink open, and then Noah reached for her and whispered a word that shook me to my very core.
“Mama,” he said.
I don’t know what happened. I just heard that word, and something inside me snapped. Before Kristen could respond, I had rushed forward and grabbed Noah from his bed and away from her. She gasped in shock, realizing that I was in the room.
“Oh my God,” she exclaimed as Noah looked a little scared and shell-shocked.
“Kristen,” I said. “I think you’d better leave.”
She blinked at me and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. It was clear she hadn’t changed into nightclothes. She was still in jeans and a t-shirt, and I was glad for that. It meant she didn’t have to stick around to change.
“Daddy?” Noah said, and his voice was confused and still a little scared.
“It’s okay, buddy,” I said soothingly. “You go back to sleep.”
As Kristen got off the bed, I set Noah back down onto it. I pulled the covers up around him and kissed his forehead. He was still drowsy with sleep, and I hoped he would go back to sleep easily.
“Come with me,” I said to Kristen.
I saw her look back at Noah and give him a comforting smile. Again, I saw his hand reach out for her. “Go to sleep, sweetheart,” she said, with a familiarity that I thought was presumptuous of her. “Sweet dreams.”
We walked out into the living room, and I turned to face her. “I want you to leave,” I said bluntly. “Now.”
Kristen looked at the time instinctively. “Is something wrong?” she asked, in a concerned voice.
“Everything is fine,” I snapped impatiently. “I just want you to go. Get your stuff and leave—now.”
Her eyes went wide when she realized that I was as angry as I was serious. Even as I was saying the words, a part of me knew how irrational, rude, and ungrateful I was being. But I was too panicked to care about that right now. I just wanted her gone. I knew it was my imagination, but I could feel Daphne’s eyes on the back of my head.
Kristen looked at me for a second longer, then she turned and ran to the room where she had put her stuff. A few seconds later, she emerged again with a bag thrown over one shoulder. She was at the door when she turned suddenly. Her hazel eyes were fixed on my face, and I tried to avoid them desperately.
“Can you tell me what’s wrong, please?” Kristen asked. “I don’t understand.”
“Nor will you,” I said, my tone was harsher than I had intended. “Just go.”
She shook her head at me in complete confusion, and then she was gone. I stood in the empty living room, wondering what on earth had come over me. It was past three in the morning; I shouldn’t have thrown her out at this time.
I had changed, too, I realized with a start. I had become…colder and harsher. Was it possible that I had become cruel, too?
“Daddy?”
I turned and found Noah standing by the sofa, half hiding behind it like he was scared to come out into the open.
“Hi, buddy,” I said, rushing to his side. I knelt down in front of him and gave him a hug that I hoped was comforting. “You should be asleep.”
“Where’s Krissy?” Noah asked.
I paused for a moment. “She had to go home,” I said.
“Why?” he asked in a wheedling voice.
“Come on,” I said, ignoring his question. “Let’s get to bed.”
“I want Krissie,” he said, dragging his feet as I led him back to his room.
“You’ll have to make do with me, kid,” I said, feeling a stab in my heart. “Come on, in you get.”
I sat down beside Noah on his bed. He was looking at me with those big blue eyes of his, and I could sense all the questions in them. The truly heartbreaking part was that I didn’t have any of the answers.