Chapter Thirty-Six
Kristen
I didn’t know what to do. My head was in chaos, and the worst part of it was that I didn’t know how to make anything better. I had heard the hurt in Jake’s voice when he had called me earlier—it had dripped with anger, and the sting of betrayal, and I knew that I deserved his outrage.
Instead of trying to show him that I was truly sorry, however, I had misspoken and made him even angrier. To make matters worse, he had essentially fired me, which meant I couldn’t even get through to him at work. I had a feeling that showing up at the office would be a bad idea, so I wasn’t even going to attempt it. Which left me with no options.
My mind reeled back over the last morning when Isabelle had walked into Jake’s living room and come face to face with me. I still got goosebumps when I thought of it. But the memory I replayed most often was when Isabelle had caught up with me in front of the elevators.
My mother and I had always had a rocky relationship, which had only worsened in my teenage years. But regardless, I never thought she’s stoop this low. I never thought she’d try to sabotage me in this way, and I had to juggle my guilt with my own hurt. I paced across my living room, ignoring calls from Melody because I wasn’t ready to relate the whole story just yet. But I did want to scream and yell and rant, and the only person I wanted to aim that anger at was the person who had set this whole thing in motion.
I didn’t even stop to convince myself against calling her. I dialed her number fast and waited to hear her voice.
“Hello, Kristen,” Mom said, sounding completely unaffected.
“How could you?” I demanded.
“How could I what?” she asked innocently. I marveled at her tone and her acting ability.
“You’re kidding, right?” I spat. “You know exactly what you did.”
“Have you just called to yell at me, Kristen? Because I would—”
“You called Isabelle,” I interrupted. “You told her about me.”
“She came into town, did she?” Mom asked casually, as though my anger barely fazed her.
“How could you do this to me?” I demanded shakily.
“I was trying to help you,” she had the gall to say.
“Are you high?”
“You were being dishonest—”
“That’s rich coming from you,” I said. “Isn’t that a little like the pot calling the kettle black?”
“I never claimed to be the Good Samaritan that you did.”
“You are unbelievable.”
“No, I’m trying to make a point,” she said coldly. “Not everything is cut and dry, Kristen. Not everything is as easy as you make it seem. Sometimes things are more complicated than an outsider might judge. You should have told Jake the truth from the beginning, but you didn’t.”
“I had my reasons.”
“And, I had mine.”
“Oh, I get it,” I said, with frustration. “So, as usual, this is all about you.”
“It’s about growing up and facing harsh realities,” she continued calmly. “I didn’t tell Isabelle anything about you. I only mentioned that she should pay her grandson a visit.”
“I’m sure that’s not all you said.”
“Does it matter now?”
I felt tears of anger prick at the back of my eyes. “How can you be so cruel?”
“As I recall, you did the same thing to me a few years ago,” Mom said. “Do you remember? You tracked down Isabelle and told her about your father and me.”
I was silent for a second as tears slipped free from my eyes. “I see,” I said softly. “So this was your revenge.”
“It’s not healthy for you to be there, Kristen,” Mom said. “Believe it or not, I had your best interests at heart. You need to come home and stop chasing after Daphne’s life.”
“My decision to move here was not about that, at all,” I said. “I never intended to take Daphne’s place. I came here to help…and things happened. I fell in love with Jake and—”
“You fell in love with him?” she interrupted.
I sighed. “Yes.”
“Does he know that?”
“He did,” I said. “But now it doesn’t matter because he never wants to see me ever again.” Mom was silent for a moment, so I seized the opportunity and started talking.
“Listen… I know I was in the wrong here. I’m not going to say I didn’t make mistakes. I screwed up royally, and in a way, this was my fault. I know that. Despite what you may believe, I really was going to tell him the truth; I just needed to do it at the right time.
“Jake has been through so much, and he was just starting to be okay again. And now this happened, and he’s hurting all over again, and for what? So that you could teach me a lesson? So that you could prove your point? You don’t get it, do you? These are other people’s lives you’re playing with. You played with Isabelle’s and Daphne’s life, and now you’re playing with mine and Jake’s.
“I am to blame… I wasn’t upfront with Jake, and that’s on me. But my intention was honestly to help him and his son. And that’s the difference between us.”
After my little speech, Mom was quiet for so long that I thought she’d gotten cut off. “Hello?” I said. “Are you still there?”
“I’m still here,” she said quietly.
“You know, you were the only real parent I had growing up,” I said. “And because of that relationship, I thought that we’d always be in each other’s lives. But I’ve just realized something. We don’t have to be in each other’s lives. Because this relationship is not working, Mom; I don’t think it ever really worked.”
“Wait,” she said quickly, and I heard the panic in her voice. “Kristen…don’t go.”
“Why shouldn’t I go?” I asked.
“Because… I’m your mother,” she said, but her voice fell flat at the end of the sentence.
“Really?” I said. “Because you never acted like my mother… Maybe because you didn’t really want to be my mother in the first place.”
“That’s not true.”
“No?” I said. “Then why did you always act like I was just an inconvenience to you?”
“I was not ready to have children,” she said, at last. “That doesn’t mean I didn’t want to be your mother.”
I sighed deeply and just like that, all the fight went right out of me. “I’m so tired of fighting you, Mom,” I said. “I’m tired of the arguments and the tension and the stress of being around you—”
“Which was exactly why you ran after perfect Isabelle and her perfect daughter, isn’t it?” she said, taking me off guard with her tone.
“What?”
“I was never good enough for you,” Mom continued. “And when you found out about Isabelle, you just had to be a part of their family. And then you decided to have a relationship with that girl and talk about how wonderful she was and what a saint her mother was.”
“You’re jealous?” I realized with shock.
“They’re not your family, Kristen,” she said, refusing to answer my question. “I’m your family.”
“Family is who you choose, Mom,” I said firmly.
“And you don’t choose me, is that it?”
I sighed. “You will always be my mother,” I said, at last. “But we have to face the fact that we’re two very different people and we may never see eye to eye. I’m never going to be the most important thing in your world, and I’m never going to approve of all your choices. That’s just…the way it is.”
“Are you ever going to accept my relationship with your father?” she asked. “At least now that there’s no other woman in the picture?”
I frowned. “How do you know?”
“What?”
“How do you know you’re the only woman in the picture, Mom?” I asked. “I’m not trying to be cruel; I’m honestly curious. If Ted could cheat on his wife for years, then what makes you think he’s not going to do the same to you?”
“Because Ted and I… We’re soul mates, Kristen.”
I sighed. “If that were true, he would have left Isabelle for you a long time ago. Isabelle divorced him years ago, and he still hasn’t married you.”
“Neither one of us want to get married.”
“I’m glad,” I said. “I honestly think that’s the smartest decision you’ve made so far…not that you’ll agree with my reasoning, but still.”
“I wish you’d give your father a chance.”
“He’s my father in name only,” I said harshly. “And he always will be. I’m never going to want to have a relationship with him.”
“Kristen—”
“I have to go now,” I said, cutting her off.
“Wait—”
“Mom,” I said firmly. “Please, just leave things as they are, okay? I’m not coming home. And, I’m also done letting you control my life. I’m happy here, and I’m staying.”
“Are you going to stop talking to me now?”
“No,” I said, after a small pause. “I may not pick up every time, but I will still keep in touch with you.”
“You promise?”
“I promise,” I agreed.
“I suppose that’s something.”
“Goodbye.”
“Kristen?”
I suppressed a sigh. “Yes?”
“I’m sorry…for butting into your life and ruining things between you and Jake.”
It was the first apology I’d ever gotten from her, and it made me feel a little lighter. “I… Thank you,” I said, deciding to be gracious.
“I hope he gives you a second chance.”
“Goodbye, Mom,” I said.
I stood in my apartment, staring at my phone for a minute. It wasn’t by any means a transformative conversation, but it left me with a strange sense of ease that could only come with enlightenment. Mom and I had come to an understanding. We were not going to get along, but we would always try to stay in touch, even if it was only to touch base. It was by no means a perfect situation, but under the circumstances, it was the best-case scenario.
I walked to my room and opened my desk drawer. I pulled out the letter that had brought me to San Diego and gave it a read for the hundredth time in months. I practically had it memorized, but I still needed to see Daphne’s words from time to time. It was a reminder, as well as a shield of armor, a paper shield to be sure, but a shield nonetheless.
Still, I didn’t want to cause any more damage. Jake was hurting enough, and if I pushed, then I would end up hurting Noah, as well. If Jake wanted space, then that was exactly what I would give him.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered to no one in particular. “I’m so sorry.”
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Jake
It was a beautiful day, and I thought about how ironic life could be sometimes. The sad days were most often the most beautiful ones. I drove through the pristine drive, passing the gentles slopes on either side of me, which boasted a variety of different headstones in an array of different shapes and sizes. I could see a funeral procession on the other side of the cemetery, and it made me feel even lonelier.
I parked the car and stepped down. Noah had wanted to come with me, but that was only because he thought I was making an ice cream run and he wanted to be there to pick the flavors. I knew that one day he would ask to see his mother’s grave, and I would need to bring him here, but today I just needed to be here alone. I wanted to talk to Daphne; I wanted to ask her questions that I knew I would never get the answers to.
“Say hi to her for me,” Isabelle had said, just before I left. “And, tell her I love her.”
“I will,” I had replied.
Just before I was about to leave, Isabelle had grabbed my hand. “Jake…she loved you; you know that, don’t you?”
“I wish I did know that for sure,” I had replied. “But with all these new revelations, I can’t imagine she loved me as much as she claimed…especially towards the end.”
“She was scared and broken, Jake,” Isabelle had defended her daughter. “She didn’t know how to process the feelings she was experiencing. She felt so guilty all the time.”
“You seem to know more about where she was at than I did,” I had pointed out. “And that says something about our relationship.”
“She didn’t tell me any of this, Jake,” Isabelle had said gently. “I could tell… she didn’t need to say anything because all I had to do was look at her to know how she was feeling.”
The whole drive to the cemetery, I had thought about Isabelle’s words. Maybe I was trying to push blame on Daphne because it was easier for me to blame someone else than to take responsibility for all the things I refused to see. I walked up the sloping hills towards the east end of the cemetery where all the large oak trees stood.
As I walked, I looked around at the gravestones I was passing by. Most of them were men and women who had lived long, full lives and left behind children and grandchildren. But occasionally, I would come across a gravestone with nothing more than a name and a date. There was a young woman who had passed away at twenty-two and a man who had been only nineteen.
As I came up upon Daphne’s grave, I heard the sound of a hushed voice talking softly. Frowning, I walked closer taking cover behind one of the oaks so that I wouldn’t be seen. I peeked around it and felt a jolt of surprise when I saw Kristen sitting in front of Daphne’s headstone. She was wearing a long dress in soft colors. Her auburn hair was loose and fluttered lightly around her shoulders. She looked like a fallen angel, and I felt a pang as I realized how much I’d missed her.
I thought about heading back to my car and waiting till she had left, but curiosity kept me where I was. I leaned in a little closer, and her words became more audible to me.
“I’m sorry, Daphne,” Kristen was saying, and I realized that there were tears on her face. “I know you asked me to help, but I just made a bigger mess of things. I came here with every intention of seeing how Jake and Noah were doing, but…something about Jake scared me a little, and I just never told him who I was.
“And then everything got out of my control, and I couldn’t think straight after that. I should have done better, for your sake. I should have tried harder. I’m so sorry for how everything happened… It’s such a waste, of your life and Jake’s.
“He’s such a good man; he’s kind and brave, but he’s broken too, just like you said. And, I suppose I thought I could possibly put him back together again. It was a naïve belief, and it was stupid of me to think I could do it, but I got caught up in the moment.”
Kristen sighed deeply, and I heard a light sob escape her. “If I’m being completely honest… I got caught up in him.”
Her voice shook, and I felt my body tense in response. “I fell in love with him, Daphne. I shouldn’t have…but it happened, and I was powerless. I still am. I still love him. I love Noah, too. They’re both such amazing human beings, and I’m so sorry that I made their lives worse. I let them down, and I let you down, too.
“It’s funny, you know… We didn’t really know each other at all, and yet, I still feel that connection with you—even now.”
Her voice was heartfelt and devastated, and I felt my anger fade suddenly, as though the sight of her after so long had made me realize that my love for her was stronger than my hurt and anger. I had never really given her a chance to explain, and it looked like there was more to the story than she had let on.
I stepped around the tree and walked slowly up to her. She saw me coming and looked up with a start. “Jake,” she whispered my name.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, trying to keep my tone even.
“I… Today’s Daphne’s death anniversary.”
“I’m aware of that.”
“I wanted… I mean, I needed to speak to her,” Kristen said. She rose slowly to her feet and glanced back at Daphne’s grave. “I’m sorry… I’ll give you some privacy.”
“Wait,” I said, blocking her path.
Kristen looked up at me, and her eyes were bright with tears.
“Did you have any contact with Daphne before she died?” I asked. “After she had married me?”
“No,” Kristen said. “We had no contact after she told me she was enlisting. The only communication was the letter she sent me, the one I told you about. And by the time I received it, she was already gone.”
“I see…”
“Jake,” she said, taking a tentative step forward. “I have something with me that I think you should see.”
She handed me a thin piece of paper, and I recognized Daphne’s handwriting immediately. “This is the letter she sent you?”
“Yes.”
I glanced at the date without touching the paper. “She wrote this four months before she died.”
“Yes.”
I felt my heart jump a little at the thought, but I wasn’t even sure why. I reached out tentatively and took the letter from Kristen’s hands. I could almost imagine Daphne sitting down in her bunk to write it. I wondered what her headspace was at the time… I wondered if on some intrinsic level she knew that she was never going to see her son or me again.
“Read it,” Kristen encouraged. “It might help you.”
I looked down and started to read the letter slowly.
Dear Kristen,
I wasn’t quite sure how to start this letter. I think I’ve started it three different times in the last hour. I think it’s because I’m ashamed of how I reacted the last time we met. You called me a coward when I told you I was enlisting. You claimed that I was running from my life and my problems. At the time I was insulted and hurt, and I didn’t see the truth in your words. But now it’s different.
I have a husband now, Kristen. My husband’s name is Jake, and my son’s name is Noah. I fell in love with my husband while we were both on tours of duty and the plan was to wait until our thirties to start a family. But, as usual, plans didn’t work out as I had thought.
I got pregnant with Noah and… I didn’t know how to process that. My body wasn’t mine anymore, and some days, it felt like my life wasn’t mine, either.
Please don’t misunderstand me. I love my husband, and I love my son… But I wasn’t ready to be a mother. Sometimes I don’t think I was even ready to be a wife. And I suppose that was what scared me, and that was what drove me to run away…again. It took another tour of duty to make me realize that you were right all this time. I was… I am a coward. Whenever I get scared, I leave.
I was thinking about Jake and Noah the other night and then that last conversation that we had popped into my head. I realized that I was wrong to push you away. You were as much a victim in all this as I was. You had no control over your parents’ actions, and I was wrong to blame you for it. I suppose I just needed to blame someone, and you were right in front of me.
I don’t know why I’m writing this letter, to be honest… I think it’s my pathetic attempt at an apology. I think it’s also my way of saying I want you to be a part of my life. We are sisters, and I don’t think I appreciated that fact until now.
I’m starting to feel better. I’m starting to think going home is not going to be so bad. But some days… I feel the exact opposite. I’m still lost, Kristen. I’m still confused, and I don’t know when that will change.
I suppose that’s the other reason I’m writing. I think I just want to know that Noah and Jake will have family, whether I’m around or not. I want to know that they’ll be okay.
The last time we met, I said some things to you that I shouldn’t have. I was wrong, and I’m sorry. I want you to know that. I’m sorry. I hope your life is everything you want it to be. I hope you’re happy and safe and healthy, and most of all, I hope you have love.
Love, Daphne
I folded the letter slowly and handed it back to Kristen. “Thank you for letting me read that,” I said.
“Of course,” she nodded. “I’m sorry I didn’t give it to you sooner. I should have.”
I closed my eyes for a moment. “She wasn’t sure if she was coming back,” I whispered, glancing at her gravestone.
“She would have come back,” Kristen said confidently.
“How do you know?”
“I just do.”
I smiled. “You just do, huh?” I asked. “Is that a sister thing?”
“It might be.”
“Is that why you came to San Diego?” I asked.
“That’s the main reason I came here,” she nodded. “But I also came here for myself. It was time for me to start my own adventure, and that choice led me to you.”
“Kristen—”
She stepped in and silenced me. I noticed that there were still tears dotting her eyes. “Jake, I never meant to hurt you,” she said. “Please believe that. I care about you and Noah so much, and I’m so sorry I hurt you. You want me to stay away, and I will respect that, but I just need you to know that I never meant to cause you any pain.”
“I know that,” I said softly.
Kristen’s eyes went wide for a moment and then she smiled. “You do?”
“I do,” I replied. “And, I… I don’t want you to stay away.”
Kristen looked at me with pure joy on her face, and I felt my body lean into hers. I reached out and wiped the tears from her face.
“I missed you so much,” she whispered to me.
“I missed you, too,” I said, as I pulled her towards me and encircled her in my arms.
“How’s Noah?” Kristen asked, as though she’d been waiting months to ask that question.
I smiled. “He’ll be thrilled to see you,” I said. “Come on; let’s go home.”