Twenty-One
My confrontation with Lauren stayed with me even several days later. I couldn’t dwell like I normally would, however. Finals were creeping up and I was frantically studying and trying to finish up various projects. On top of that, work had picked up as students streamed in looking for study guides and cheat sheets. Of course, I was lucky I even still had a job after missing all the time I had. Luckily, Annie had told them I was too sick to come in, just like she had done with my professors.
I was restocking the study guide rack when I felt someone come up behind me. With a frown, I turned around and prepared to tell them there were no exam answer sheets that could be purchased. When I saw who it was, I froze instead. My heart lodged into my throat and my stomach plummeted.
It was Teagan.
Without thought, my eyes drank him in. At that moment it all rushed back and I missed him desperately. I ached for him, and it took everything I had not to throw myself at him. I wanted to beg him to forget everything that’d happened. It didn’t escape my notice that he looked different, worn. His hair was longer than I remember ever seeing it, and he had several days’ growth of scruff on his jaw. The dark circles under his eyes indicated he hadn’t been sleeping much. That was fine by me; I hadn’t slept well in quite a while either.
He shifted his weight and shoved his hands in his pockets. He didn’t speak and didn’t immediately make eye contact. His silence and behavior were unnerving.
“Hi?” I said, not sure what to do, but hating the awkwardness of the moment.
He dropped his gaze from where he’d been looking over the store and stared at the ground. “Yeah…” He took a deep breath and then looked up at me, finally meeting my eyes. “I…you look good.”
I couldn’t maintain the eye contact and looked away. My emotions were too raw and the fear that he could see the turmoil made me feel vulnerable. It wasn’t a feeling I was prepared to deal with.
“Anyway,” he continued, “I came to apologize for the other night. I heard about what happened.”
I jerked my head back in surprise. “How did you…?”
He shrugged. “Not important. She shouldn’t have done that, though. I’m sorry.”
The fact he felt the need to apologize for Lauren pissed me off. “That’s not your place,” I snapped. I clenched the hand that wasn’t holding anything into a fist. “In fact, I don’t accept it.”
Teagan look at me in confusion. “What?”
“You shouldn’t be here. Lauren is the one who should be here right now. She’s the one in the wrong, not you.” I paused for a moment and took a deep breath. “I never would have expected you to apologize for me,” I stated, firm and confident.
He gave me a sad smile. “You would have never given me a reason to.”
A lump formed in my throat and I couldn’t respond.
“At any rate, she shouldn’t have interrupted your date,” he finished softly.
My jaw dropped and it took a moment for me to recover. “What? No!” I shook my head rapidly. “Ryan and I weren’t—”
He held up a hand to stop me. “It’s okay,” he mumbled. “It is what it is, right?”
“But—”
“I need to go,” he cut me off again. “I…It was good seeing you, Aislinn.”
Before I could respond, he turned and walked away.
It took everything I had not to race after him, to make him understand. I blinked in an effort to keep the tears back and sucked in a shuddering breath. I would not cry.
“You okay, Ash?” I heard from behind me. “You need a minute?”
I turned and saw the other student employee, Tina, was staring at me. Her look of concern was almost my undoing. I cleared my throat and shook my head. “No, I’m all right.”
“Well, if you’re sure…” She trailed off, her tone and expression conveying her disbelief.
I nodded and gave her a tight smile. As she wandered off to the paper supplies area, I turned back to the rack I’m been working on. One by one my hands replaced the remaining guides without thought. My movements were on auto-pilot.
Too bad I couldn’t live my life the same way.
***
The days and weeks leading up to finals and Christmas break passed in a blur. Everything was a haze of term papers, projects, late night study sessions, and Ryan. Everywhere I turned, there he was. If he hadn’t proven to be a good distraction from the depression that was my constant companion, I’d have been annoyed. As it was, I was almost grateful for him.
Note, I said ‘almost.’
At the moment, he was on my last freaking nerve. He had come over to the dorm and picked me up to go and see a movie our Russian class was hosting. From the moment we walked into the lecture hall, he’d been a pain in the ass. At least from my point of view.
He was being considerate.
I hated the off-kilter feelings his actions in the lecture hall were creating. He’d grabbed our snacks, been taking our notes, and moved so I could go to the restroom without complaint. I didn’t like it; Ryan had always been predictable since I met him. He was guaranteed to be a certain way. It didn’t get better as the movie progressed, and all through it, I felt his eyes on me.
Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. “What?” I hissed at him without taking my eyes off of the movie.
“Go out with me, Ash,” he said so low that I almost didn’t hear him.
My heart stuttered to a stop and I froze in my seat. I swallowed hard and licked my suddenly dry lips. After several moments I gathered enough courage to turn and glance at him. Half expecting him to be joking, imagine my surprise when I caught a glimpse of the earnest look on his face.
“I’m sorry, but what?” It took all of my restraint to keep my voice down. This was not how I’d pictured my evening going.
Ryan flashed a small smile and leaned over to take my hand. “I’d like to take you out, sugar.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but snapped it shut. I had no idea how to respond to him. He’d rendered me speechless. It was exceedingly uncomfortable and I found I couldn’t keep looking at him. I tugged my hand from his grip and once again faced the movie. My mind raced in a whirlwind of thoughts and confusion. All I could think of were Connor’s words, how Ryan was never ‘just friends.’
The memory of those words pissed me off. I squinted and clenched my jaw in an effort not to confront him just then. The feeling that this had all been one big setup intensified, and bile began to build in the back of my throat. It seemed like the walls were suddenly closing in on me and the need to escape was strong. I had to get out of there.
I gathered my notebook and bag and stood. Apologizing the whole way, I quickly made my way down the row of seats. Speed born from urgency and anger, I slammed open the door and stomped out of the lecture hall. There was no real destination in mind, just a desperation to be anywhere but in that room.
I had just pushed my way into the hallway when a hand grasped my wrist and spun me around. I met Ryan’s angry gaze with a scowl. I was so not in the mood at that moment. Jaw set, I tried to pull myself from his hold, but it didn’t loosen.
“What the hell, Ash?” he demanded.
The anger and disbelief in his voice broke the tenuous hold I’d maintained on my temper. There was a level of betrayal that couldn’t be explained just then. I’d trusted him, believed he was just a friend, told him things the past few weeks…and then I was presented with this.
I was finally able to twist and pull my arm from his grasp and glared at him. “Jesus! They were all right, weren’t they?” I snarled.
His head tilted and he frowned. “What?” he asked, confusion obvious. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“You.” I gestured at him, fighting the urge to laugh hysterically. “They were all right about you!”
“Ash, I have no idea what you’re talking about! What did I do?”
“I thought you were my friend, Ryan.” I shook my head, disappointed in myself for thinking otherwise. “God, I’m such an idiot. Everyone told me that you always had an agenda when it came down to it. I just didn’t want to believe it.”
He narrowed his eyes and tightened his lips into a line. “And just who told you this? Aldridge?”
I looked at him in shocked disbelief. “Everyone! It wasn’t just him. Everyone told me to be careful, that you were just biding your time. That you’re a player through and through. Stupid me, I thought you were actually a nice guy under all of the bullshit.” I sighed. “Just goes to show, you never really know a person,” I muttered.
“Okay, wait a second. First off, I’ve always been a friend to you.” He paused for a moment, thinking, then shook his head. “All right, maybe not at the beginning. But once you made it clear you were with someone, I backed off and just decided to hang out with you.” He pointed at me with a frown. “Secondly, how could I not start to actually really like you, Aislinn? You’re smart, funny, gorgeous, and easy to hang out with. Do you realize I haven’t hung out with the guys in weeks? I’m always with you!” he practically shouted.
My eyes widened before I blinked at him after his declaration, not sure what to say or how to react. I opened and closed my mouth several times as I struggled to come up with a response. Never had I thought Ryan ‘Manwhore’ Caldwell would tell me that he enjoyed being around me, wanted to actually date me. It was an unusual situation at best. Finally, I shook myself out of my stupor and cleared my throat. “Ryan…” I began, only to be cut off.
“Don’t say it, Ash,” he muttered.
I looked down for a moment before I took a deep breath and continued. “Ryan, what you said? It means a lot to me. It really does.”
“Yeah, I know. But you don’t feel the same way, right?” he finished for me.
I felt bad for him as he ran a hand through his hair in agitation. If I had met him nine months ago and this happened, I’d be over the moon about the development. Ryan was gorgeous, sexy, sought after, and underneath it all—deep under it all—a nice guy. But it was time to accept that Teagan still had a grip of steel around my heart.
“I’m sorry. It’s just—”
“Fuck it!” Ryan interrupted and stepped forward. Before I could react, he wrapped a hand around the nape of my neck and pulled me close, and slammed his lips to mine. The kiss was consuming, demanding my surrender to it. His other arm wrapped around my waist and tugged me closer until I was flush with his front. I could feel the strength he held and my head spun at all the sensations he created.
But he didn’t invoke the same emotions and I didn’t react with the same overwhelming need as I did with Teagan’s kisses. This understanding had me struggling to move back from him.
We broke apart, breathing heavily. I stepped away and held up a hand when he made a move toward me. I shook my head and closed my eyes, trying to regain my equilibrium. Everything in me was in chaos and I didn’t know which way to turn, how to feel.
“Ash…” he whispered. “Please say something.”
I dropped my head and opened my eyes to stare at the tiled floor. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Ryan,” I admitted. I needed to leave and regroup, but most of all, I needed to get away from the bitter disappoint of what I had learned just then. “I need to go.”
“Wait.” He held a hand out. “Just…I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t…” He trailed off.
“I need to go,” I repeated. “I…I don’t know. I just need to go. I’ll talk to you later,” I whispered as I spun and raced out, the look of disappointment and hurt on his face following me. It didn’t stop me, however. The realization of a hard truth kept me moving.
I still craved Teagan. And it didn’t seem like that was going to go away anytime soon.