Chapter Thirty-Three
Ashley
“We need to talk!” Tyler exclaimed as he barged into my room about a week after I had woken up in his bed. It was kind of strange, considering we had not spoken throughout the entirety of the week.
He had left me alone and I had left him alone. I didn’t know what he did and I hadn’t cared. In fact, I had hoped he had lost interest, but that obviously wasn’t the case.
To the best of my knowledge, no one else was home and so, it would have been a good time to discuss the gigantic, attractive and aggravatingly handsome elephant in the room; but I didn’t feel as though I was ready. Still, a week later and I didn’t have any inclination to have this conversation.
I was hurt deeply and I had no interest in opening the wounds that I hoped had begun to heal. Even though I was pleased with the advice that Stacy was able to provide, I still didn’t know if I would be able to go through with that advice. Looking at him now, asking me to talk to him severely challenged my thought process about the whole thing.
My face must have portrayed that thought to him though, because after a pause, he demanded, “Right fucking now!”
Now I really didn’t want to talk to him. I felt my face fall into a scowl before I answered, “Excuse me, Tyler. I am not just some whore that you can boss around whenever you feel like it.”
He groaned and his eye seemed absolutely furious. “I fucking know that, Ashley. That’s…Shit…I know! Can we just talk?” At first, his words started out in a normal tone of conversation, but as he spoke, his voice elevated until he was screaming at me.
I moved back, feeling as though something wasn’t right. However, I didn’t want to just give into him. I had made the decision that I was a young, capable woman who didn’t take anything from anyone, especially my stepbrother…lover…Ewww! I thought, but knew that I didn’t mean it.
Therefore, despite the feeling that I had which told me he actually needed to speak with me, I just glowered at him and answered in a carefully stern tone, “No. I don’t want to talk to you right now.”
Once again, I saw a spark of anger ignite in his eyes, but when he spoke again, he seemed more desperate than angry. “Oh, come on! I came in here to talk to you. I don’t want to trick you, or fucking hurt you, I just want to talk. I think you owe me that, at least.”
“I don’t owe you anything,” I answered coldly. After how he had spoken to me and the way he lived his life, I had decided that I deserved better; and even though he couldn’t see that, I wasn’t about to let him take over my whole life.
However, I couldn’t ignore that it was hard. Even though I couldn’t stop myself from wanting him, no matter how much of a dick he was to me, I knew that Stephanie was right. I didn’t need this kind of negativity in my life. Within my family it made sense. I could deal with him being in my family, because that was just one big ball of negativity. It had been since the moment my mother told us she was sick. But my life: the one that I chose to live, outside of this stupid house and my stupid family, who knew the people in this stupid beach town better than they knew me: was not riddled with the same demons. I had worked hard to make a life for myself that extended past my grief and pain. I had tried my best to make everything work, but when I felt everything slipping through my grasp, I knew what I had to hang onto. Frankly, Tyler wasn’t one of those things.
Even though I didn’t say any of that, I stared at him as the thoughts ran through my mind and somehow, I believed that he got the message. He staggered back after a long moment looking into my eyes, as though he was pushed, or I had truly voiced something hurtful.
For a moment he didn’t speak. I wasn’t sure if he couldn’t find the right words to say or was fighting against his own mind to not dig himself deeper into the grave of our dying relationship…or whatever it was that you wanted to call it.
“You’re right,” he said suddenly, which really surprised me. That was the last thing that I had expected from him. In fact, if I was asked before this moment, I would have been almost positive that he was incapable of saying such a degrading admission. But just as I was beginning to think that I had heard him incorrectly, he said it again. “You’re fucking right, Ashley. I don’t owe you shit.” He sighed and answered, “You don’t owe me anything either, but I just thought that maybe we could move past all of this crap and maybe come to some kind of arrangement.” He shrugged. “I don’t want to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you. I just want to talk to you.”
He paused and I couldn’t help but feel as though he was telling me the truth. He did want to make things right, but I also couldn’t ignore the fact that no longer mattered. Things were going absolutely crazy for me and I just needed them to slow down. In order to do that, I truly felt that I needed to back away from him. He had become the only priority in my life this summer and I didn’t even really like him.
So I shook my head and answered, “No, Tyler. I’m sorry, but I can’t talk to you.”
“But you said you wanted to fucking talk!” he exclaimed, coming closer to me. He didn’t look the least bit threatening, but I didn’t want to take the chance, so I pulled farther away from him.
When he saw this, he shot me a look of disappointment and shock, as though my movement had really hurt his feelings; not that he had any.
“I changed my mind. At first, I thought it would be good to talk it out and see where we wanted to go from here, but after thinking about it, I realized that I didn’t want to go anywhere from here.” As I spoke, I heard my voice grow meaner, yet more assured. When I paused to collect my thoughts, I glared at him as though I hated him. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he once again understood how I was feeling without me having to say a word. However, after a moment of silence, I did speak my mind, “At least, I don’t want to go anywhere with you.”
Now, it was Tyler whose face turned angry and hateful. He threw his hands up as he screamed, “Well, fuck you then!” and pivoted around on his heels to stomp out of my room and slam the door.
I watched him leave and when he slammed the door, I felt my lip slide in-between my teeth, just as I bit down lightly, nervously. I flinched at the sound of the door and the rattle it caused to quake throughout the house, but after he had left, I just sat there quietly, holding in any emotion. Even though he was gone, I didn’t want to show any sign of fear or nervousness. My heart was racing inside my chest and my emotions were teetering on the edge of feeling awful for what I had said and how I had gone about everything. But just in case he came back, I didn’t want to worry about Tyler seeing me lose any of my resolve.
So for a long time, I just stayed there, glowering in the direction of the door and hoping that he felt the anger of my piercing gaze as a raging and relentless heat on the back of his neck.
I wanted him to feel what he had put me through. I knew that he understood the passion that we had shared, but I also wanted him to know the pain and the hurt that I had undergone all while trying to make the best out of my situation. I didn’t want to worry about anything anymore. I was done playing this game of cat and mouse, even though I still knew, deep down, no matter how hard I tried to hide it, that I still had feelings for him. But I wasn’t going to let that knowledge get the best of me. I wasn’t about to allow him to take control over my life ever again.
Just as I did when I left for college and reinvented myself, I was going to take control of my life once again. I realized that just because I was in the house where my family, my real family had once vacationed, in a town where everyone knew me, didn’t mean that I still could not effectively reinvent myself.
Therefore, that night, early in the evening, I grabbed my fake ID and headed out on the town.
Tonight, I decided, was going to be a very good night.