Fawn
“Um, I don’t want to seem like a complete and total coward, but are you sure about this? I mean really, really sure? Because once we go in there, there’s no going back.”
“Ha!” Dax laughed easily, the look on his face making it seems as if he didn’t have a care in the world, “You make it sound like we’re about to walk into the Overlook Hotel or something.”
“The Overlook what? Dax, what on earth are you talking about?”
“The Overlook? You know, the big, creepy hotel from the book the Shining?”
I looked at him with what I was sure was a completely blank expression, nervous as all hell and waiting for him to get to the point, already. He laughed again, rolled his eyes, and reached out and took me by one of my hands. I flinched, fighting my immediate instinct, which was to yank my hand away and put it back safely in my own lap where it belonged. Dax, who was far too perceptive not to see and feel my hesitation frowned, letting my hand go without me having to do much of anything at all.
“Hey, babe? I don’t know if anyone has ever told you this, but most guys don’t love it when their girl shrinks back in disgust at their touch. Just, you know, a little tip for the future.”
“It’s not you, Dax,” I answered softly, doing my best to reassure him while simultaneously struggling to keep myself from totally freaking out, “I swear to God, it’s not.”
“Then what is it? Because that didn’t exactly feel normal.”
"It's just - it's weird, okay? It feels super weird to be holding hands right outside of the clubhouse." I felt like an idiot saying it like I was back in middle school and trying to deal with a guy holding my hand for the first time, but I couldn't help it. I was pretty sure that most girls, even after growing up into women, had to contend with some over protectiveness on the part of their dads. For me, it was about a thousand times worse. I not only had my dad, the president of the Carolina Devils but all of the rest of the old timer members as well. It was a lot to contend with, and it was making me more than a little sick to my stomach.
"Babe, we're about to walk in there and talk to your dad about us, about the baby, about everything. Don't you think it's a little late to worry about being caught doing things like holding hands?"
“Okay, sure, if you put it that way. I didn’t realize you were going to get all logical on me.”
“Well one of us has to do it, right? Every now and then it’s bound to be me.”
“I was kind of hoping it would just always be me. I could be the brains, and you could be the muscle. That kind of thing."
“Yeah, well, get used to it, baby. I’m more than just a pretty face.” He shot me a lofty, mock-hurt look with the delivery of that line, one that sent me into a fit of giggles I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to get a handle on. That was the thing about Dax. Just when I started to feel like everything was hopeless and so messed up it could never be set right again, he would find a way to make me laugh like there was nothing wrong with the world. He’d had that ability since we were little and in all of these years, despite everything that had happened to both of us, it was something he had never lost.
“There, that’s better. You shouldn’t stress yourself out like that. I realize you’re the nurse, not me, but stressing so hard can’t be good for the baby.”
“You’re worrying about the baby now?”
“Of course I am,” he answered quietly, his tone becoming instantly serious, “I have been since the morning I found out you were pregnant. I’ll keep on worrying about him, too, until the day I die.”
“What makes you think it’s going to be a him? We could be having a baby girl, you know. Ever think of that?”
"Christ, don't say that to me. I swear to God if I have a baby girl it'll give me a heart attack every day."
“I bet it will,” I scoffed, reaching across the car’s console and intertwining our fingers without even really thinking about what I was doing, “it’ll be like karmic retribution.”
“Karmic retribution, huh? Look at you, lady. You’re all jokes today.”
“I do what I can.”
"I can see that. Now, about that question, you asked me a couple of minutes ago. Whether or not I was ready for this, I think it was?"
“That was the question. Good listening.”
“I try. And the answer is yes. I’m ready for this, Fawn. I’ve got this. I’m just wondering if you’re ready for it. You seem to be the one with all the nerves in this situation.”
I could feel him watching me, could feel his strangely penetrating eyes locked in on my face while I fought to come up with an answer. People could say what they wanted about the kinds of men drawn in by a life in the Carolina Devils, and for some of them, they would be mostly right. Some of them were basically thugs who had been given a position with which to make that part of them legitimate. A lot of them, though, they were way better at reading people than your average guy. When Dax decided to read my face, he meant to be successful at it.
“You’re right. I’m nervous.”
“Is it because it’s me?”
“Are you kidding me? It’s because I’m about to tell my Dad I’m pregnant. I don’t think that’s a weird thing to be nervous about, especially since a far as he knows I’m not sleeping with anyone. I’m surprised you aren’t more nervous yourself.”
“Maybe I should be, but I’m not. It just feels right to me, you know? It feels right.”
“Well then let’s just go ahead and get it over with, okay? Because the suspense is killing me, even if you’ve decided to go all zen on me.”
“Your wish is my command, darling. Let’s do it.”
Dax opened the door to my car, and I followed his lead, getting out on legs that felt like they were made out of jello. I had fought with Dax about how we were going to do this, making the argument that I didn't need him to come with me to deliver the news to my Dad. I had tried to tell him that I was a big girl and that I had been doing things on my own and in my own way for a long time now. I didn't need a man to help me along my way. He had shot right back, telling me that he didn't think I needed anything like that from him but that he was coming all the same. It was his reminder that this wasn't all about me, that I hadn't made a baby on my own, that had taken the argument right out of me. I had spent the last couple of days secretly resenting what I saw as his intrusion, but now I was over the moon thrilled to have him there with me. If he hadn't been, there was a very real chance that I wouldn't have told my Dad a single thing. I would probably have turned on my heels and ran, and wouldn't that have been a fun conversation to have with Dax after the fact?
“Dax, my man!” Micah greeted us as soon as we were through the front door, clapping Dax heartily on the back and tipping me an exaggerated salute and bow, “Didn’t know you were coming by the club today!”
“Yeah, it wasn’t really planned.”
“Didn’t know you were bringing the boss’ daughter, either.”
“I have a name, you know,” I said hotly to Micah, not particularly appreciating his reminding everyone within earshot that I was technically supposed to be off limits, “one I actually prefer to boss’ daughter.”
“Sorry, Fawn, my bad. For the love of God, don’t turn that crazy temper in my direction.”
"Well then don't put your foot in your mouth," I snapped back, wincing a little at the genuinely hurt look on Micah's face as I spoke, "and do me a favor and tell me where my dad is."
“How come?”
"Because I need to talk to him."
“Do you have an appointment?”
“No, he’s my dad. Do I need one?”
No, I was just asking. Hey, is everything cool? You guys both look like you’re about to fucking explode. Is there something going on? Something the club needs to know about?”
“No, everything’s fine. Just tell me where my dad is.”
“He’s in his office. Give me one second, alright? I’ll let him know you two are here.”
I opened my mouth to tell Micah that I didn't need a formal announcement to see my own father but before I could say anything Dax put a cautionary hand on my shoulder. Micah went to warn my dad that we were coming and Dax gave me a worried, sideways glance.
“Babe, you’ve gotta calm down.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I’m talking about you biting Micah’s head off. I know you’re probably hormonal or something, but -”
“Oooh, don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Call me hormonal. That is not the way to get out of this alive.”
“Okay, my bad. But maybe try and tone down the aggressive thing you’ve got going. Unless you’re just trying to scare the shit out of everyone.”
Before I had a chance to volley back an answer, one that would have undoubtedly have been sarcastic and scathing, Micah returned and led us to my dad's office. He had been sitting behind his oversized desk, one I remembered playing behind when I was a little girl, but the second we entered the room, he stood quickly. He had a grave, almost angry look on his face and without saying a word, he rushed towards me and gave me a big bear hug. When he finally let go, just before he managed to completely crush me, he looked at both Dax and me closely.
“What’s the matter?”
“Dad, come on, nothing’s the matter.”
“Really? Because you could have fooled me. Micah interrupted a very important phone call to tell me that you and Dax need to speak to me, urgently. To me, that sounds like something’s the fucking matter.”
“Well, as awesome as it was of Micah to upset you like that -”
"He was just a little overzealous," Dax interrupted smoothly, not looking at me by conveying his message loud and clear all the same. I was primed and ready for a conflict. I had been before we even walked through the door and if I wasn't careful, I was going to be the cause of said conflict all on my own.
“Good, I guess. I thought we were about to go to fucking war or something. You sure everything’s okay? Nothing with the Wild Cats?”
“No, Dan, nothing like that. We just needed to talk to you about something. Or rather Fawn needs to tell you something, I guess.”
And there it was, the moment I had been dreading. Ever since realizing that I was pregnant I had known this was coming but knowing and actually living it were two different animals entirely. I had told Dax that if he was going to come along, I wanted to be the one to actually break the news to my dad but now I found myself wishing that I hadn't been such a hardass. Truth be told, I wanted none of this to be happening at all. God help me, I wanted not to have a baby on the way, not to have to deal with any of this.
“Well come on, Fawn,” my dad’s desperate sounding voice broke through my thoughts, “go on and say what you need to say. The two of you are fixing to give me a heart attack.”
“Okay, Dad, but you have to promise me not to freak out.”
“No can do. I’ll promise to try. That’s the best I can do.”
“Okay, but really try, because it’s not good for me. The stress, I mean. It’s not good for the baby.”
“Not good for the - wait, are you trying to tell me you’re pregnant right now?”
“I am indeed. That is the big news of the day.”
"Who the hell is the father?!" Red in the face, my dad, stared at me like he thought his eyes alone could find the answer to his question. When I looked in Dax's direction Dad's eyes followed mine, and after a minute I could see the understanding register in his face.
“That takes some balls, boy, knocking my little girl up.”
“Dad-”
"No, Fawn, this part is between Dax and me here. Didn't I tell you she was off limits? That she wasn't like one of those sluts that like to hang around the clubhouse?"
“You did, Dan, and I don’t see her that way. You’ve gotta know that. Fawn’s different. She’s special. She’s been special to me since we were kids. I know you had to have seen that, even when we were growing up.”
“Okay, yes, I saw that. Doesn’t mean I wanted you to get her pregnant, Dax. Jesus, what the fuck were the two of you thinking?”
“We weren’t, I guess. We were just glad to see each other again. And we care about each other. We care about each other a whole hell of a lot.”
"You've got one thing going for you, boy, and it's the thing that's going to save your ass." Dad started to pace around the room as he spoke, every bit as agitated as a caged lion in a zoo, and I watched the showdown between he and Dax mesmerized as if I were watching a movie instead of part of my own life. Dad hadn't tried to kill Dax yet, so that was good. All in all, things were actually going better than I had anticipated, which made me a whole different kind of nervous.
“What’s that, Dan?”
“I know you can take care of her. And I know where to find you if you don’t.”
“Very true. I’m not going anywhere, Dan. You have to know that. I’m going to take care of her. I’m going to take care of them both.”
“So what now? Are the two of you going to get married?”
“No, nothing like that. No marriage.”
"Alright, so tell me how it's going to go." The two of them continued to discuss my future as if I had no say in it, but after the marriage comment, I might as well have left the room. I couldn't hear anything else that was said, couldn't hear anything but the sound of blood rushing through my ears. It wasn't that I had been expecting a proposal but hearing how quickly Dax had denied the idea of marriage sent me into a tailspin. Because maybe I was going about this all wrong. I'd been operating under the assumption that Dax really did care about me but after hearing how quickly he could cast me aside, I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure about anything anymore.