Dax
“So are you going to tell me what’s wrong or what?”
“What a lovely way to start a conversation, Dax. Such a prince.”
"Look, Fawn. I'm not trying to piss you off; I swear to God I'm not, but you're not giving me a whole lot to work with here. You can tell me that everything's fine all you want but you're obviously lying. Why don't you just tell me, so I don't have to dig it out of you? Save us both some time?"
Fawn didn't say a word, just stared out the window at the passing scenery. As for me, I had to resist the urge to beat the shit out of my steering wheel while I drove. Maybe I was a fucking idiot, but I had actually expected this to be a good car ride, one where we could both be happy about our success. I had come into the clubhouse half expecting Dan just to kill me right then and there. When he hadn't done that I had been pretty sure we were on the right track. By the time Fawn and I had walked out the doors, and back to her car, I had felt almost high with relief. I wouldn't have gone so far as to say Dan was happy that I'd knocked his little girl up but he didn't seem to want to kill me anymore, either, and that was a start. He had actually looked like he might be happy about having his first grandchild, going so far as to call Micah into his office and tell him that there would have to be some research done on how to plan a baby shower. It could have gone a hell of a lot worse and yet there was Fawn, sulking beside me as if she'd just been fucking disowned.
“You comfortable?” I asked her as cheerfully as I could manage, deciding to use the tactic of denial instead of trying to get to the bottom of why Fawn was acting like such a grade-a bitch, “Is the air okay?”
“It’s fine.”
“Because I can make it cooler if -”
“I said I’m fine, Dax. I don’t need anything changed.”
“Right,” I said with clenched teeth, right on the edge of what I could tolerate at this point, “okay. Hey, that was something with your Dad though, right?”
“How do you mean?”
“I don’t know, all of it, I guess. I thought he was going to kill me for a second. Did you see his eyes? I’ve seen that expression in his eyes plenty of times before and I know what it means. It means somebody’s about to get fucked up.”
"Really? I wouldn't know. I made a habit of not knowing that kind of thing about him, as you well know." She wouldn't look at me when she spoke, and even though her tone was easy enough, I was no fool. Fawn and I had known each other for all of our lives, plenty of time for me to have figured out what she was like when she was good and pissed off. What I couldn't figure out was whether or not she wanted me to try to draw the reason out of her, ask a bunch of leading questions until she cracked open like an egg. Plenty of chicks wanted that kind of thing, and a lot of dudes probably went for it, too, but I wasn't a lot of dudes. I wasn't about to beg her for information. If she wanted to play a game, I was ready. This car ride could turn into an emotional game of chicken for all I cared.
“True, I know that about you. But that look was your dad’s murder look. So now you know.”
“Excellent.”
“And how about that shit with Micah?”
“What about him? Are you referring to him refusing to let me see Dad without him announcing my arrival first?”
“No, but you had your own murder look when he did that. Come to think of it, the two of you have some uncomfortable similarities when you get pissed off.”
“Sure,” she said dully, her body language getting nastier with each mile that rolled by, “whatever you say.”
“What I was talking about,” I continued, using every ounce of self-control to keep from reacting the way I knew she expected me to, “was the whole baby shower thing. Can you imagine that shit? Dan and Micah and the rest of them getting together to plan a fucking baby shower? What a fucking trip.”
“Yeah, that’s not going to happen.”
"I think it is, though. You heard them. They may not have any idea what they're talking about, but they sounded excited as shit by the time we left. They're going to have the whole place in streamers. Shit, they may even come up with some of those games you chicks play."
“Games?”
"Sure, games. Don't ask me which ones because I've never been to a baby shower, but I've heard some of the guys' old ladies talk about that kind of chick stuff. They always have weird games."
“Yeah, well, like I said. Not happening.”
“Why not?”
“For starters, I didn’t give anybody permission to tell the whole damned lot of Devils that I was pregnant. I don’t know what made Dad think it was okay to start telling people without my permission, but it wasn’t.”
“Come on, Fawn, that’s not cool. He was just excited.”
“Secondly,” she continued as if she hadn’t heard a word I said, her voice taking on a hard edge I didn’t like the sound of, “if you or anyone else thinks I’m going to have a baby shower in the freaking clubhouse, you're out of your minds. I don't know if you forgot, but I'm not one of you. I don't have any desire to be one of you. I want as little to do with the Carolina Devils as possible, and that means there's not a chance in hell that I would want a baby shower with a bunch of bikers and their ‘old ladies.' No way. Absolutely not."
Fawn was a good woman, I knew that, but at the moment she might as well had delivered a swift punch to my dick. It would probably have hurt less if she had just done that instead of talking the way she was. Every member of the Devils knew how she had felt about us growing up and she had come back home feeling that same way. Stupid me, though, I had actually started to believe that her mind was starting to change. I had thought that being around me day in and day out would have shown her that we weren't bad, that we weren't all the dumb assholes she'd always figured us to be. Even if our brief exchanges with me playing bodyguard hadn't done it, I would have thought whatever was happening between the two of us would. Finding out now that she still had so much hatred and even worse, contempt, for us as a club was a rough blow. It felt like shit and pissed me off at the exact same time. Because like it or not, she wasn't just talking about a bunch of criminal assholes that didn't mean anything. She was talking about my family, my brothers. They were at least as much my family as they were hers and I had no problem making that claim. I didn't give a shit if Dan was her dad. At least I had never abandoned him. I had never decided I was too good for him and his people and gone running off as far away as I could get. I never had and never would be so delusional as to believe that I was better than the men of the Devils, some of the finest men I had ever met. I had let myself believe that Fawn was passed that kind of thinking, too. Now I wasn't so sure it hadn't been wishful thinking on my part. The kind of thinking my pops had liked to say was done with the prick instead of the head.
“You know it’s my choice, right?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“The baby shower,” Fawn spat out viciously, “you know, the thing we were just talking about? It’s my choice where I want to have one. If I want to have one, which I’m almost positive I don’t.”
“I knew you were talking about the shower, Fawn. I just don’t know why you’re going on about choice.”
“Of course you don’t. You’re a guy.”
“Neat argument. So don’t have the shower. I don’t care. That’s why I don’t know why you’re going on about choice. Nobody’s saying you don’t have one. At least nobody in this car.”
“Good. Because I’m not having one. I don’t see the point in sitting around with a bunch of men and their ‘sluts,’ as my dad so gracefully put it, and pretending that things are different than they are.”
So maybe that was her problem? Was she jealous of the girls who'd hung around before she'd got there? Was it hormones, even though she didn't want me saying things like that? I didn't have a fucking clue. I didn't know anything other than the fact that I had left Dan's office feeling pretty fucking good and now I felt like shit. Trying to figure out Fawn and the way she acted was like being on a roller coaster, and I had never been a fan of those. One minute she acted like she couldn't get enough of me and the next she was nothing but cold. I couldn't tell if she wanted me to figure out why or not, but I knew that it was something I couldn't do. I also knew that whether I liked it or not, Fawn was something I couldn't just pick up and leave; not anymore. I had worked so damned hard not to let my guard down, not to let myself get close enough to a chick to feel like I needed her, and Fawn had come in and in a matter of months shot that plan to shit. I was used to having her around now, almost felt like I honest to God needed to have her around. That was a bad place to be as a matter of habit, but it was even worse when the chick you felt that way about acted like it would be the easiest thing in the world just to walk away. I had done what I could, told her I would be there for her in as many ways as I knew how, and it still wasn't enough. I didn't want to wind up the way I had been after Lilian, fucked in the head and alone, but I had a sinking feeling in my gut that that was exactly how things were going to be. It was enough to shut me right the hell up and by the time I had Fawn back outside of her condo I was just ready for the day to be over.
“Dax.”
"We're here. Come on." I was tempted just to leave her, to let her walk to her own damn door without the aid of the bodyguard she'd made it so clear she didn't want. I probably would have done it, too, if it hadn't been for the extreme loyalty, I felt towards her father. That and the fact that no matter my current feelings, the last thing I would have wanted was for her to get hurt.
“Dax?”
“Get out of the car. It’s time for you to go home. That’s what you wanted, right?”
I didn't wait for her answer, didn't want to hear what kind of an answer she would come up with. Instead, I got out of the car and slammed the door, feeling a little malicious pleasure when I saw her jump at the sound. She got out of the car, wearing a much different expression than the one she'd kept plastered on during our whole miserable car ride, and started shuffling towards her condo with her arms hugged protectively around herself. Part of me wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake, to make her tell me why she was being this way, but there was a bigger part that couldn't do it. I'd put myself out on the line for this girl plenty. There was no fucking way I was going to do it again.
“Okay, Dax. We’re here. You did your job.”
“Guess I did. You gonna unlock the door?”
“Only if you promise to come in and check to make sure I’m safe.”
“Come on, Fawn, or you serious right now?”
“I’m totally serious. Isn’t that part of your job?”
“The job is to make sure you get home safely. You’re home, right? And despite being royally pissed off about something I can’t figure out, you look pretty damn safe to me. So as far as I can tell, job’s done for the day.”
“Please, Dax. I’m sorry. You’re right. I was a bitch in the car.”
“You think?”
“A total bitch. You asked me what was wrong. I should have told you.”
“Would have been nice, yeah. Instead of acting like I somehow turned into the antichrist without realizing it.”
"I know. You're right, okay? You're one hundred percent, completely and totally right. I should have just talked to you. I should have trusted you enough to do that. And I want to. If you can forgive me, or at least suspend judgment for long enough to listen, I'd like you to come in so I can tell you what's going on. I guess I'm going to have to get used to doing that, huh? If we're going to have a baby together. I can't promise that I'll always be good at it, or even that I'll usually be good at it, but I want to try. For you, Dax, I really want to try."
I could have just turned and left, gotten on my bike and ridden straight out of there. It would have been the easier thing to do. It would have been the best way to make sure things didn't get any more out of control, too. It would have been the easy way out, and instead of taking it, I followed her inside.