Fawn
“Ma’am?”
“Yes, Pete. I’m here.”
“Excellent, ma’am. I just wanted to let you know I am currently outside of your place of employ and ready to escort you wherever you decide to take your leave. Just wanted to make sure you knew that, in case you were waiting on me. I’d feel mighty bad about that.”
“Thanks for telling me, Pete. I’ll be outside in a couple of minutes.”
“You’re very welcome, ma’am. Least I could do.”
“Hey, Pete? Do you think you could do one other thing for me?”
“I will do anything and everything in my power. You just gotta name it.”
"Could you stop calling me ma'am? I've known you basically since I was born. It feels super weird for you to be talking to me like I'm the Queen of England or something. Could you just go back to calling me Fawn? Like you were doing a week ago?"
I shut my eyes and counted to ten, the way my dad had taught me to do when I was little and on the verge of losing my temper badly enough that I wouldn't be able to get it back again. The first thing I did was try and remind myself that this was my fault, to begin with. I was the one who had called Dad and asked him to take Dax off of my security detail. It hadn't been an easy conversation, either. It had been harder than even I had imagined it would be, and I had pretty well prepared myself for some kind of a fight. What I hadn't been too prepared for was how totally pissed off my dad had actually been. The arguments he had made had been convincing, which had only made him angrier when I had shot them all down. He kept pressing and pressing, wanting to force me into an explanation that made some kind of sense to him when all I wanted was to be done with it. In the end, I had managed to get him to do what I asked and assign me somebody else, but things hadn't been the same between Dad and me since then. And then there was Petie himself, the man I'd gotten in place of Dax to watch over my every move. Pete was a man I'd always been fond of. He was the one who had let me ride him around like a pony when I was tiny and had played Santa Clause at all of the Christmas parties in the clubhouse. He was great when it came to that kind of thing and not the worst thing in the world when it came to bodyguards, but the level of formality he insisted on using with me was out of control. This had to be the fifth or sixth time I had asked him to call me by my name instead of ma'am and my patience for it was just about at its end.
“Petie? You still there with me, buddy?”
“Yup, you know it. That’s what I’m supposed to do, remember?”
“Believe me, I remember. So can we agree to give it a rest with the ma’am stuff?”
“Okay, back to Fawn it is. But don’t stop taking me seriously, okay? I don’t want to blow this gig with your Dad. Him trusting me, it means a lot.”
"I know. I've got your back. And speaking of my dad, I actually need to stop by the clubhouse, if that's okay with you. I have something I need to show him, and I don't want to wait."
“We can do that. I bet your old man would be pleased as fucking punch to have you stop in. He’s been gloomy since you went, you know? You being home but acting like you’re not? He doesn’t like it. It makes him feel like shit, or that’s what it looks like to me and the rest of the boys.”
“Yeah, well, I needed some time. But a week should be long enough. Long enough for everything to calm down a little. Hold on. I’m coming outside.”
I said goodbye to my fellow nurses, who at this point all seemed to be both wary and jealous of my secretive life full of a revolving door of men on motorcycles. I pulled my jacket collar up around my neck against the first cold to seep into our little town and hurried outside to my car. Pete was waiting for me, his bike leaning up against him, and a big, goofy grin crossed his face when he saw me. That was one thing I couldn't help but love about being watched over by a lovable biker like Petie. He looked tough as shit but inside of him was the big old heart of a man who would cry at chick flicks if there weren't any guys around. He pulled me in for a massive bear hug and then looked at me, his smile getting even wider.
“You’re looking mighty pretty, Fawn, you know that? No wonder your daddy is so proud.”
“Oh yeah? He’s proud of me, huh?”
“Definitely. Now let’s get going. If I make that baby sick letting you stand out here in the cold Dan is going to kill me.”
In the car it took a hell of a lot for me to concentrate on the road and not on everything happening around me, happening to me. I had made myself a promise that I wouldn't set foot inside of the clubhouse again until I could get a handle on the way I felt about Dax. In the week since I had seen him I had gotten no further than to determine that I had no idea what I was doing. I had no idea what I felt about him, no idea what I wanted. I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing with my life other than the fact that I had a baby growing inside of me that was getting bigger every single day. My baby was growing bigger every day, and by the time I gave birth, I was really hoping to have things a little bit more together than I had them now.
“Fawn! As I live and breath! I didn’t know you were coming by tonight!”
“I’m sorry,” I said slowly, hardly out of my car yet and already not sure my coming by was a good idea, after all, “Is it too late? Should I not have come? I know I should probably have called first, I just -”
“Called first?” Dad yelled, smiling and rushing towards me so fast I almost felt like I needed to step away, “Are you kidding me? Baby girl, you don’t ever need to call first to pay us a visit. I just didn’t think that you’d be coming by again anytime soon. Not after the way things went down over the Dax thing.”
"Yeah, that wasn't great. And maybe something we shouldn't talk about. Besides, I have something I want to show you. Could we go to your office? It's sort of a private thing, and I don't really want to run the risk of, you know."
“Running into Dax?”
“Exactly.”
“You know one of these days you’re going to have to figure out a way to coexist with the guy.”
“I know.”
"For a whole host of reasons, too. First of all, being at war with the father of your kid before the kid's even born ain't great. Second, Dax is my VP, Fawn. His dad was my best friend. I've known the boy for my whole life, and unless he's lying to me, he didn't do anything I need to kick his ass for."
“Wait a minute, what do you mean? You talked to him about me? About us?”
Of course, I did. It's part of my job, baby. I have to know what's going on with my men, especially when those men are some of my right-hand men."
“So you had to ask Dax about my personal business?”
“Fawn, this is going to sound harsh to you, harsher than I like to get with my own daughter, but so be it. If this personal business for you, you should’ve kept it out of the club. I asked you plenty of times not to fool around with any of the guys, right?”
“Sure, but this wasn’t just any of the guys, Dad! This is Dax we’re talking about!”
"You're right, it is. And while he may be some kind of special important to you, he's also important to me and to the club. He's been that for longer than he's been anything more than your friend. He was here when you left, Fawn. He never left us, never left our business. I've invested a lot in that boy, and that means I have to keep an eye on things."
“Including my personal life.”
“Like I said, don’t mix your personal life with my club and I won’t have to look into things. But Jesus, Fawn, is this why you came to see me? You want to fight?”
“No, Dad,” I sighed, “it’s not why I came at all. It’s kind of the opposite of why I came.”
“Well, I’m not sure what that means, but it sounds a hell of a lot better than what we’re doing now. What’s going on? What did you need to tell me?”
“Not so much tell you as show you, Dad.”
“Show me, huh? Just tell me what it is, sugar. You’re going to send this old man into a tail spin.”
I'd come to the clubhouse with one express reason in mind but now that the reason had come to hand I was well beyond nervous. I was petrified and as I dug through my purse both of my hands were shaking visibly. If Dad noticed it, he didn't say anything, but I didn't see how he could miss it. As dad's went, he knew me pretty well, better than I knew him, really. All I wanted at that moment was to have an idea of how he was going to react to what I was about to show him. I would have paid good money for that, instead of having to fly totally blind like I was.
“This, Dad. This is what I wanted to show you.”
“What is it? Is it what I think it is? Is that?”
"It's a sonogram. It's your first picture of your grandbaby. It's actually for you if you want it. I know it's not the most impressive first picture. I know it looks like nothing more than a bunch of squiggles and blobs, but it's my baby. It's the club's baby, I guess."
I was rambling, and I knew it. I would probably have just kept on talking if my dad hadn't stopped me with a hug. He crossed the room so quickly I almost didn't see him move and then he had his arms wrapped so tightly around me I almost couldn't breathe. When he finally let me go there were tears in his wizened blue eyes, something I had very rarely seen. Even when my mom died, he hadn't been this visibly emotional and seeing it set me off, too.
“Dad, come on!” I laugh-cried, swiping at my eyes as he took the sonogram from my hand and brought it so close to his face they were almost touching, “You can’t do anything sweet or emotional! You’re going to make me start blubbering like a baby.”
“I’m sorry, sugar, I just can’t believe this. I never thought about what it would be like when you had kids but now that it’s happening? Shit, Fawn! I’m going to be a grandpa!”
“You are. This is really happening.”
“You’ve gotta work out your differences with Dax, sugar. Do it as soon as you can. Do it now.”
“Wait a minute. What? What are you talking about, Dad? This is not what I wanted to talk to you about! You told me we were done talking about these things. You said your peace.”
“I did, but now I’ve got more to say. This is your baby, Fawn. It’s his baby, too. That’s how things should be, whenever they can be. There’s no reason for the two of you not to be together aside from your own stubbornness.”
“So you’re saying it’s all my fault then?”
“No, I’m saying it’s on both of you, which means it’s on both of you to fix.”
“Right,” I said stonily, “good tip. I think it’s probably best that I go.”
“Fawn, don’t do this. You’re just gonna throw a tantrum with everyone who tells you something you don’t want to hear?”
"Keep the picture, Dad. If you're interested in updates on the pregnancy, I'll give them to you. If not, that's fine too."
“Fawn”!
“I’ve gotta go.”
I should've known better. I should have known that coming to the clubhouse would be a mistake, even if it was to see my dad and not to have anything to do with Dax. That was the thing about the Carolina Devils. They were a club through and through, and my situation with Dax wasn't any different. I should have known my dad wasn't going just to let me handle my business my own way and this mess of a meeting proved it. I should never have come to the clubhouse. My instinct had told me just that, and now I had proof.
“Dax, my man, come on! You gotta talk to somebody, right?”
“Do I?”
“Shit, yes, you do! Every person does and if you can’t talk to your old buddy Micah, who are you gonna talk to?”
Shit! Shit, shit, and double shit! This night, which I would have just sworn couldn't get any worse, was now something I seriously wished I hadn't gotten involved in at all. The only thing I had going for me at this point was the fact that there was a long, dark hallway separating my dad's office and the rec room where Micah and Dax were playing pool. They hadn't been there before, and I hadn't counted on anyone being there now, but they were, and there was no way for me to get around them. The only thing I could do was wait for them to take a break, which meant I had to hear their whole, supposedly private conversation. I didn't even want to hear the sound of his voice, and now here I was, unable to do anything else.
“Micah, really. I don’t need to talk.”
“Bullshit, you don’t. You gotta tell me what happened with Fawn, man. You can’t just gloss over a thing like this with me. We’ve known each other for years. You love her, man. I think we all know you always have.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“So then what, you don’t want to be happy? You don’t want to give shit another shot?”
"I think you must be mistaken, Micah. She's the one who broke it off with me, man. She's the one who said she didn't want me around anymore, not the other way around."
"So then fix it! Life's too short, right? I mean, not to dig my finger into old wounds and shit, but after Lil, I would think you would know that better than anyone."
“It’s because of her, okay? Are you happy now? You want a reason for why I’m not chasing after her, trying to force her to give me another shot, that’s your reason. Lilian died because of me. If she hadn’t been my girl, if she’d been with someone nice and normal, she would still be alive right now. You think I want to put somebody else in that kind of danger?”
“But there’s no way, man,” Micah answered in a low, awestruck voice, “there’s no way we would let that happen to her. Nothing like that is ever going to happen to one of our own again.”
"And if she's not one of our own we don't have to worry about it. The Wild Kids already know that she's Dan's daughter. If they found out we were together, it would only give them more of a reason. I'm not strong enough to have broken things off with her on my own, Micah. If you want to know the fucking truth, if she called me back tomorrow I'd come running. But she's better off without me. She's better off somewhere where I can't get her hurt."
There was more conversation after that, stuff that took a far more light hearted turn, but I didn’t really hear a word of it. I felt like I had been hit by a bus. I felt like I was the stupidest girl in all of the world. It wasn’t until that moment that I realized how dense I had been, and how selfish. Here I was, spending all of this time thinking about how Frank left me and my own pain, that I hadn’t ever stopped to think about the pan Dax must have experienced. Now, for the first time, it really hit me. The pain that Dax had been put through, that he must still go through, was a whole other animal than mine. His pain went deeper than I could even begin to imagine.