Dax
“Hey.”
Fawn's voice sounded so small and vulnerable over the phone that I felt sick to my stomach. It was this kind of vulnerability that terrified me about her. It was this, hearing her like this, thinking about her like this, that kept me up at night and made me sure that me and Fawn not being together was the right thing. I didn't sleep anymore, didn't eat right, didn't feel like myself, but it wasn't only about me. It was about her. It was always about her, all of it, and that was the thing I had to keep reminding myself of. It was just that it got harder when she called me like this. Not seeing her or hearing from her had felt like a fucking knife to the heart but hearing from her stripped me of all of my resolve. Nothing had really changed, and now I knew it. I would do anything for her. I would do whatever she asked, and I would do it without asking any questions. Her safety and happiness, and now that of my baby as well, were the only things in the world that really mattered to me. Other than the safety and the solidarity of the Devils, that was, but I couldn't foresee those two interests ever conflicting.
“Hey, Fawn. What’s the matter? Did something happen? Is everything okay with the baby?”
“Of course it is, Dax. Why would you ask me something like that?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t talked to you in more than a week. You made it really clear that you didn’t want me around anymore so getting a phone call out of the blue like this -”
"Oh, God. It made you think there was a problem with the baby. I'm sorry, Dax. That's terrible. I should have handled this better. I should have handled a whole lot of things better."
“Don’t worry about things like that, Fawn. It’s fine. Everything’s fine, as long as you and the baby are okay.”
“We’re okay. We’re both okay. I’m not calling because there’s a problem.”
“But you sound strange.”
“Strange how?”
“I don’t know. I can’t tell if you’re upset or angry or what, but you don’t sound like yourself.”
“I can explain that. I can explain all of it, actually, if you have the time to listen.”
“I’ve got all of the time in the world for that.”
"Good. Oh good, Dax! I can't tell you how much I was hoping you would say that. But I don't want to talk about it over the phone. Would you mind coming over so we can discuss it in person? If it's too much trouble, I totally understand. I wouldn't come over if I were you, not after the way I acted."
“I’ll come. I’ll be right there. Just sit tight, okay? Don’t go anywhere?”
"Don't worry; I won't. I made my dad a promise that I would play by rules moving forward. Part of the rules include not leaving the condo without my bodyguard."
“Good. At least one of us was able to get you to behave.”
“I wouldn’t go that far. I’ll see you in a little bit, okay? Right?”
“That’s right, you will.”
I left everything, not that I had much of anything going on, and hopped on my bike, speeding the whole time and racking my brains for what the hell could have caused Fawn to do such a complete one-eighty. I had all kinds of nasty shit playing out in my head, even coming up with scenarios where the Wild Kids were in her condo and holding a gun to her head to make her call me to come and see her. By the time I got to her place, I was ready to kung fu kick my way through a hundred enemies to get to her and make sure she was safe. I was so primed and ready that when I knocked on her door and saw that she was the one opening it, I was convinced there would be somebody in the place behind her.
“What are you looking for, Dax?”
“What do you mean? I’m not looking for anything.”
“Really? Because you could have fooled me. Were you expecting somebody other than me to be here?”
“No, definitely not. You’re the only one I wanted to see.”
"Oh?" She asked coyly, that familiar flirtatious smile playing across her lips and making my heart jump out of my chest, "Well that's not a bad thing to hear. In fact, that's exactly what every girl wants to hear. That they're the only one a man wants to see."
"I'm glad I could be of service." She blushed when I said that and tucked her hair behind her ear, a move she'd been making since we were young, and stepped aside so that I could come inside. I had been inside of her condo plenty of times at this point, but that didn't stop me from being nervous to do it this time. It felt like I was trespassing like I was doing something I shouldn't be even though she was the one who'd asked me to come in the first place. The only thing that made it any better was her looking just as nervous as I felt. She kept walking from one part of the condo to the next, running her hands over her things and then moving on only to revisit them a minute later. I finally had to reach out and grab her to keep her still. I placed my hands on each of her shoulders to keep her in place, looking into her eyes until she looked down.
“Do you want me to go?”
“What? Why?! Why would I want that?”
“I don’t know, Fawn. You seem pretty uncomfortable having me here. Maybe it would be better if I went. We could talk about whatever you needed to get off your chest on the phone. You seemed more comfortable with that.”
“No!”
“Are you sure?” I laughed, “Because you’re using that kind of high pitched screechy voice you usually get when you’re too stressed about something.”
"I am stressed. I'm not going to lie about that, but I don't want you to go. That would only make things much, much worse. I have some things I need to say, and I want to say them face to face."
“Okay. We can do that.”
“Would you be okay with sitting on the couch?”
"Sure, Fawn, of course, I would. Whatever you want."
“Good,” she practically raced to the couch, collapsing onto it like the most exhausted person in the world and patting the cushion next to her, “I was hoping you would say that. I have some news I want to share with you.”
"News, huh? Well, the last time I got news from you it was that you were carrying my baby. I don't see how you're going to top that, but I promise I'll try to look interested."
“It’s about my condo, actually.”
“Um, okay,” I answered as nonchalantly as possible, no idea what she was trying to get at, “What about it?”
“You know I’ve just been renting it, right?”
“Yeah, I guess I knew that.”
“Well, I don’t think I’m going to rent it anymore.”
"Is that right?" My stomach sank, the bile rising in my throat. So she was planning on moving. She was cutting ties, running back to some other place where she didn't have to think about the Devils or me, either. It was probably the best decision for her, but that didn't mean it didn't suck for me. It sucked so badly I didn't even know what to say. I just sat there, feeling like the biggest chump in the world.
"It is. I'm thinking I'm going to buy it."
“Buy it? I don’t get it. Does that mean you’re planning on staying?”
“Um, yeah. Is that okay?”
“It’s more than okay. I thought you were about to tell me you were skipping town.”
“No, it’s kind of the opposite of that, actually. Do you remember how we were talking about you maybe renting a condo in this same complex someday? So that you could be close to me and the baby?”
"Of course I do. Don't forget, Fawn; it was only recently that you kicked me to the curb."
“Right, see, this is about that, too. I was kind of hoping I could take that back. I want to unkick you to the curb. I was an idiot for doing that. I was so freaked out that I did all the wrong things, just like I always do. It’s probably too late. I don’t know if it is, but probably. I just can’t care about that. All I care about is taking the only chance I know how to.”
“What chance, Fawn? What do you want?”
"I want you not to rent a condo in the same complex. You won't need one because I want you to move in with me. I want us to be a family, Dax. This baby is going to come sooner than either of us realize and I don't want us to be fractured when it does. There are too many of those kinds of families. I don't want this to be another one. I want us to be a family, and I don't care what that family looks like. I don't care about marriage. I know I said I did but I don't."
“Fawn.”
"No, please! I know it may sound crazy after the way I acted, but I mean it. I don't care if we never get married, just so long as we're together. I want us to be together, Dax, whatever that looks like. Because I love you. God help me, I love you, and I want to say that even if you don't feel the same way."
She was crying, although she didn't realize it, and I reached out and wiped her tears away with one thumb. This was it. This was the moment when I needed to walk away if that was what I was going to do. It would be the easy thing to do, the path of least resistance. It would be the way of self-preservation, which was something I had gotten really good at since the horror with Lilian. It would have been the smart play, and it was the last thing on the planet I wanted to do.
"Dax? I know it's a lot. I know it's probably too late and I'm so, so sorry. Maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut. Maybe I should have just let it go, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't just sit back and do nothing, not when I could still give this a fighting chance."
“Hey, Fawn?”
“Yes?”
“Did anyone ever tell you that you talk too much?”
“Yes, actually, many times. I believe you’ve said it on more than one occasion.”
“Because it’s true. Is it my turn to talk now?”
“Sure, you can talk. Just go easy on me, okay? I feel like pregnant people should get let down easy.”
“Who says I’m letting you down?”
"Then you're not? What are you saying?"
“I’m saying I love you, too, you crazy girl. I’ve loved you for my whole damn life.”
There had been many, many hard weeks in my life. Hard months, hard years. I had gone through times so black I knew they weren't ever going to get better but this last week spent in limbo with Fawn had been one of the worst waves I'd ever ridden. Part of me had never gotten over her leaving us all behind, but it had been something I could ignore when it had been years and years of time we were dealing with. After seeing her, though, after feeling her skin under my fingertips, it was different. It was like having a ghost walking next to me every step I took. Not having her was something I wasn't strong enough to do unless she didn't want me and now that I knew she did, I was a goner. I loved her, loved her more than anything and as long as she wanted me by her side, that was exactly where I was going to be.