I went through the motions because what else was there to do? I had been here before, felt this pain before. This time, I had been the one to walk away, to call it quits. But it still hurt the same.
Training should have been my go-to salvation. It should have been the thing to pull me through when Ben & Jerry’s and crying over rom-coms didn’t. I’d always been able to process pain through hard training.
But today, my heart wasn’t in it. I was distracted. Kyle and I were over again, and I was having a hard time processing it. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have fallen for him, fallen for his charm and his looks when he still had the capacity to hurt me the same way? I had no idea what was going on with Kyle. That was the problem. He wouldn’t let me in, and he wouldn’t share his life with me. It was a repeat of the past when he had broken up with me without even giving me the reason. Something had happened for him to shut me out, but even though years had passed and we had both grown up, nothing had changed. Kyle was still leaving me on the outside.
I guess I couldn’t expect him to open up. After all, we had never been officially together. Like he said, he didn’t owe me anything.
The cheerleaders finished their training as the Florida Sharks came out of the locker room. I picked up my bag and walked toward the locker room when the football players stepped in front of me. When I looked up, it was Jacob.
“Oh, sorry, I didn’t even see you,” I said and gave him a hug.
“Yeah, you look a little distracted. Difficult training?”
I nodded then shook my head. “I have a lot going on.”
Jacob looked like he wanted to ask about it, but instead, he changed the topic to the event later that evening.
“It’s a pity you and Kyle can’t make it to the event tonight. I know we asked you guys last minute, but it really is going to be fun.”
“Oh, I’ll be there,” I said. “Most of my squad going.”
Jacob smiled. “Oh, that’s great news. I thought the two of you were busy.”
I shook my head. “If you don’t mind me asking, Jacob, what’s up with Kyle?”
Jacob frowned. “Why?”
“I don’t know. I have a feeling I’m being left out of the loop, and I can’t figure it out. He’s so distant and switched off, completely sour and bitter about something, but he won’t talk to me about it.” It was probably out of place to ask Jacob about it, but it was bugging me.
Jacob looked over my shoulder at the players who were already creating groups on the field.
“Look, I’m not trying to gossip about Kyle. We haven’t exactly been close since I got picked by the pros and Kyle didn’t. He spiraled after he heard the news but eventually picked himself back up. For a while things looked really good; he started building a life for himself again. Lately, he’s been ignoring us again. I think it’s hard for him to see me play when he can’t.”
I frowned, trying to figure out what he was saying to me. “Are you telling me that this is all about jealousy?” I asked.
Jacob shrugged. “Kyle was very serious about being scouted for a team. You know how hard he worked. We used to train together all the time, competing for the same thing: both of us would go pro, but that had never been a given. Hell, that either of us went pro at all is a miracle. But Kyle had his heart set on it, so when he didn’t get it, his life fell apart.”
Why had Kyle never told me any of this? I knew he had wanted to play professional football. I assumed he hadn’t been chosen when Jacob had started appearing on the news and Kyle didn’t. But by then, Kyle had broken up with me, and I had no contact with him. I had known nothing of his life; he shut me out.
“This doesn’t make any sense,” I said to him. “Surely jealousy isn’t enough of a reason. He never said anything to me.”
Jacob pulled up one shoulder, glancing passed me again. “Look, Maya, I don’t want to get involved. Whatever goes on in Kyle’s life, whatever the two of you are up to, that’s your business. I hate that I lost my best friend, but there’s not much I can do about it. I try again and again to reach him, but he shuts me out every time. If you want to clear this up with Kyle, you are going to have to talk to him yourself.”
I nodded. Of course, Jacob was right.
“Listen, I have to go. The guys are starting training, and I don’t want to be late. I’ll see you tonight.” Jacob squeezed my shoulder and jogged passed me to join his teammates.
I turned to watch them for a moment, my mind running over everything Jacob had said. Could it honestly be only jealousy? I thought back to every time Kyle had been difficult, bitter or sour. I couldn’t remember exactly what we had been about every time, but it had often been about football.
I went toward the locker room to shower and change. Something about hot water hitting your skin and steaming into the air was relaxing. There was so much on my mind I hadn’t realized I had that a good long shower seemed to make it disappear, even for a little while.
As I was rinsing my hair, footsteps echoed into the locker room. Maybe one of the girls had come in.
“Hello? Samantha is that you?” I called out, but no answer. I waited a few more seconds before I called again. “Hello?”
Just then the lights had gone out, making it completely pitch black with the sound of a running shower. I clasped my mouth shut to stifle my gasp, and with my other hand tried to reach in the dark for my clothes where my phone would be. For what seemed like an eternity, my hand was grabbing through the air until it found my towel, which I wrapped tightly around myself.
Next was my phone. I knew my towel had been hanging a few footsteps away from a bench where my clothes were folded, so I made those steps then my legs hit the bench. I quickly fumbled with my shirt, my bra, my underwear, my jeans before I had my phone in my hand.
In the next second, I turned on my flashlight and whipped around, back and forth, trying to gauge my surroundings and find the light switch. Someone must have accidently hit it on their way out. I maneuvered around the locker room until I got to the switch and turned the lights back on.
The fluorescent lights illuminated the room once more, and I sighed with relief. As I turned back around to go back to my shower, my heart stopped and fell straight to the floor, like a chunk of lead. There...on the white tiles of the room were words written in thick, stark red lipstick.
LIAR. I SEE YOU.
Tyler. At first, I had been afraid, speechless and chilled to the bone seeing those words again when I was in the room, but then I realized that Tyler could have done more than write stupid words on a stupid wall. He was a coward, a coward just trying to scare me when he didn’t have the balls to do anything to me. Upon this realization— and probably not the smartest decision driven by adrenaline— I decided to call his bluff,
“Tyler! Are you in here, you coward? Is this all you can do?”
I spun around in a full circle, in only my wrapped towel, expecting him to come out from hiding. But nothing happened. I knew it. He didn’t have the guts to admit this was his doing. When I confirmed I was alone in the shower room, I rushed back to finish my shower.
I didn’t have time to deal with Tyler and his antics right now, on top of everything else with Kyle. I was staying at a hotel nearby, and I needed to get back to get ready for tonight. Even though I wasn’t in the mood to go out or have drinks with a smile plastered on my face, pretending everything was all right, it would be a good distraction. Plus, I did want to support the team and the squad. When Kyle had broken up with me the first time, life had carried on. There was no reason it couldn’t happen again.
***
I rented a dress for the evening, because I didn’t have anything to wear on such short notice. It was a two-piece mermaid dress that showed off my midriff. The bodice and the top of the skirt were sequined with a dark blue and gold color combination that looked regal against my tan skin. I did my hair in a messy bun to balance the seriousness of the dress and wore dark lips and smoky eyes.
When I arrived at the event, I fit right in. The ensemble I had chosen was perfect.
The event was arranged at a banquet hall and had been elegantly decorated with beautifully made up tables and flower arrangements. There was a dance floor in the middle of the room with a podium to the side for speeches. One corner of the hall had been set up as a Hall of Fame, and photos of the Sharks and cheerleaders covered the wall, photos of camaraderie and friendship, of loyalty and passion. There was even one photo of me where I was stretching with the girls, a photo that had been taken when no one knew. It was beautiful.
“What do you think?” Kina asked, joining in the corner of fame.
“It’s stunning,” I said. I turned around to look at the hall. “All of it. This is such a good idea.”
Kina smiled and nodded. “We like to make an effort to recognize the people who are on television all the time, as well as everyone who made it possible for them to live their dream.”
I nodded and turned back to the photos. It was like a family, and it felt amazing to be a part of it.
“Where’s Kyle?” Kina asked, looking around.
“I’m here alone tonight,” I said.
Kina’s eyes settled on me. She stayed silent, waiting for me to explain what had happened. I took a deep breath.
“I don’t think it’s going to work between Kyle and me. Seems like it’s over before it even started.”
“What happened?” Kina asked.
“He won’t let me in,” I said. “He won’t tell me what’s going on, and he won’t share his life with me. I can’t do a relationship like that. Communication is everything. I can’t be the cheerleader for a team while I’m dating a man who despises them. None of it works.”
I stopped talking, because a lump had risen in my throat, and I didn’t want to cry in front of Kina. I didn’t want to cry at all. I had shed enough tears over him.
“Did you call it or did he?” Kina asked.
“I did this time,” I said. “Better to end it now rather than wait and get burned again two years down the line.”
Kina took my hand and squeezed it. “I know you love him,” she said.
I nodded. “I’ve always loved him. But love isn’t enough. There has to be more.”
Kina nodded. “I know. And I agree. But love is enough of a reason to fight for something you believe in. You need to talk to him again and see if you can work it out. I know you’re serious about Kyle, and he might be all clammed up right now, but I know he’s serious about you, too.”
“Not serious enough to tell me what was going on in his life when it all happened,” I said. “He broke up with me instead. He hurt me, Kina. I can’t let him do that again.”
Kina nodded. She understood. She knew what it had meant for Kyle to dump me. We had been one of the college power couples, and our breakup hadn’t only been terrible, but it had sparked rumors all around campus. That only made it worse.
“I understand. And I’m not saying you should put yourself out there for no reason. But love is worth another try. If he doesn’t change when you bring it up again, by all means, walk away. But don’t walk away now and wonder what would have happened if you had tried once more.”
I smiled sadly. “What if, huh?” I asked.
“What if,” Kina said and hugged me.
Someone turned on a microphone and called us to our tables, cutting our conversation short. Kina looped her arm through mine, and we walked to our table together. We sat down and listened to speeches. I only paid attention half the time. I was hoping Kyle would arrive the way the men did in movies. I wished he would show up wearing a tux and make an attempt to win me back. I kept an eye out for him, just in case.
But that wasn’t going to happen, because this wasn’t a movie; this was real life. And it wasn’t the first time I had lost Kyle because he wouldn’t open up to me. He hadn’t come after me the first time. Why would this be any different?
Still, I held out. I clutched onto hope and waited for my prince to come to save me.
But he never came.