26
Pacey
It took all my energy to get out of bed to get dressed for my performance.
Cadence was looking at me from the foot of the bed, wondering what had gotten into me. I flicked on the lamp on my bedside table, and sat up, looking outside into the now dark sky.
My alarm clock reminded me that it was already five o’clock in the evening.
The day was nearly over. Thank god.
I went to the washroom and brushed my teeth, I couldn’t remember the last time I did, or showered for that matter. It had been the worst Christmas ever, and even my parents couldn’t cheer me up.
It didn’t help that I was bombarded with Adam everywhere.
When I turned on the radio, I’d hear his voice. When I left the house, I’d see him on a billboard. When I went on the computer, I’d see paparazzi photos of him. When I turned on the TV, I’d see his music videos.
The best way to describe it was hell on earth.
I contemplated on showering and shaving, but I opted to do neither.
I stripped to put on my tuxedo, noticing how defined my abs looked. It wasn’t from working out, it was because of how little food I’d eaten since Adam left.
It was worse than the first time he left. I was heading to university then, and it helped distract me from the situation a bit.
This time, Adam left after showing me what a real kiss was like, and what it meant to make love, not just have sex. And then, just like that, it all vanished as if I had awoken from a dream.
I walked downstairs into the kitchen and called an Uber. Then, I threw out all the take-out containers that were sitting on the countertop. Cadence sat by his food bowl, reminding me that I hadn’t fed him all day.
“Sorry, bud. It’s been rough,” I told him, giving him a pat on his head.
I refilled one of his bowls with fresh water from the sink. Then gave him one of those special canned wet dog foods that he loved.
I thought it’d be a good idea if I ate something as well. But when I opened the fridge, the only things in there were pickles and condiments.
I opted to make some warm tea instead.
As I filled the kettle with water, I noticed Adam’s watch was still on the kitchen table. The green dial sparkled extravagantly.
I drank the tea on the couch in the living room so I could keep an eye out for the Uber.
Adam’s acoustic guitar was still leaning against the mantle. I closed my eyes to recall how beautiful our duet sounded on the night we decided to make some music together.
I saw the Uber pull up, two beams of light shone through my window. I put on my shoes and headed outside.
I only noticed how late I was when I arrived at the music hall and saw the guests already heading inside to be seated. I went through the side doors and went backstage to the rehearsal room. I saw Amanda sitting by herself, flipping through sheet music.
“Hey,” I said.
She looked up, and her eyes widened. “Pacey, oh my god.”
“What?”
“You look like shit. What’s going on?” She stood up and glanced around the room to make sure no one was looking.
Then, she straightened my black bowtie and tried to iron the wrinkles on my shirt with her hands.
“Do I look that bad? I thought I looked okay before leaving the house.”
“If okay means looking like you’re homeless, then sure, you look great,” she said. “But seriously, what happened?”
I tried to hold back tears, but one managed to escape from my eyes and roll down my face.
“I’m so devastated,” I confessed. “Adam had to go back to Los Angeles.”
Amanda opened her arms and held me, leaning her face on my shoulder. “Pacey, I’m so sorry.”
“I knew that it’d be impossible for anything to happen between us. But I’m just so sad because I got a glimpse of how great we’d be together. I didn’t expect anything to happen between us, and now losing him hurts so much.”
“It’s okay,” Amanda said. “There are so many other people like Adam in this world.”
“There isn’t, though,” I said. “I know you’re trying to help me feel better. But there aren’t any other people like Adam in this world. There’s no one who has a voice like his, that’s also musically creative. There’s no one who knows me like he does.”
“I know, I know, I’m worried about you though. Will you be okay to perform tonight?”
“Yeah...I’ll be fine. I just want to get it over with and go home.”
Amanda grabbed a tissue from her bag and wiped the tears on my face. “You’ll be okay, Pacey. Just worry about the performance tonight.”
We got ready for the performance, and I put on a tight smile as I walked on stage.
I sat down at my harp, and though I’d always felt nervous in the past, that evening I just felt numb. The performance that night didn’t feel like it mattered.
I could see the faces in the sold-out music hall dressed extravagantly and taking pictures of us.
The magic that I always felt on stage was gone.
The conductor came out, and we played the first song. I went through the motions and played my parts, but the music felt lifeless.
At intermission, I stepped outside to get some fresh air. I didn’t want to socialize with any other musicians like I usually would.
I just wanted to be alone in my sadness.
I got a message from Amanda asking where I was. I asked if she could just let me know once it was time to go back on stage.
After intermission, it was time for my solo piece.
The conductor made the usual speech introducing me, then we started playing the song. I waited for my cue, and I tried my best to play it as well as I could, but I was thinking about Adam.
In my daze, I had played the same line twice, and when I looked up at the conductor, he didn’t look pleased. I had never made a mistake before, and it wasn’t the time for one in a sold-out auditorium.
I improvised to try to save my error. Although the audience wouldn’t have been able to notice it, I knew I had let all my fellow musicians down.
When the piece finally ended, there was no standing ovation this time, no one clapped either.
We continued to the next song. I should have stayed home that evening. It was better than letting so many people down. I felt like a fraud, I didn’t deserve this prestigious spot in the Symphony Orchestra.
At the end of the performance, the conductor approached me backstage.
“Pacey, is everything okay?” He asked.
“Yes,” I said, annoyed that everyone was asking me the same question.
“Are you sure? Because it’s obvious that you’re not, after watching you perform that set.”
“I’m just a bit tired, that’s all,” I said, not wanting to get too deep into the details.
“Well, I’m here for you, if you ever want to chat. We’re all here for you, Pacey. I hope you know that.”
“Thanks,” I said.
As I was about to leave to go back home, Amanda called my name, and I turned around.
“Pacey, you want me to come back to your place?” She asked.
I thought for a second, and though I appreciated her concern, I wanted to be alone.
“Thanks, but I think I’m going to go straight to bed,” I said.
“Alright, well if you need me, call me. I’ll be around.”
She gave me a hug, and I headed into the Uber waiting outside.
I took off my tie as soon as I got into the car and unbuttoned the top button of my shirt so I could breathe easier.
I could barely keep my eyes open during the ride back. Whenever I was depressed, I’d sleep for hours on end. It was my way of coping to turn the world off and hope that it’d be better in the future. The hum of the wheels against the pavement lulled me to sleep.
I was awoken by the Uber driver tapping me gently on my leg.
I opened my eyes and could see the moonlit beach across from my house. I wiped the drool on the side of my mouth, then I thanked him, and left.
I tried to trace the footprints in the snow so that I wouldn’t get snow in my shoes. I noticed that there were fresh prints leading up to my house.
Then, when I looked up, I thought I was hallucinating.
It was Adam, standing there, with his arms across his chest.
He was shivering, letting out a white cloud of white condensation every time he exhaled.
I froze at the bottom of the steps when I saw him.
“You going to let me in? Or do you want me to freeze to death?” He asked with his lopsided smirk.
“What…are you doing here?” I asked.
“Came back…for you, Pace.”
“Didn’t you leave to go to Los Angeles?”
“I did, but decided to come back,” he said. “Can we fucking go inside now?”
I finally walked up the steps and opened the door. Cadence was waiting on the other side and rushed out to greet Adam and me.
“I fucking missed you, Cadence,” Adam said, bending down to pet him.
We got in, and I was feeling a mix of emotions, trying to take in the fact that Adam was back in our hometown, not in Los Angeles.
Adam was here.
Adam came back.
He took off his jacket and tossed it onto the couch. His tatted-up arms and pecs bulged in the tight white t-shirt he wore.
It really was him.
As much as I thought this was a bad dream in one of my depressive episodes that I couldn’t wake up from, it wasn’t.
It was too real. Adam walked past me. I could smell his strong scent of musk.
His posture radiated confidence and power. He walked to my kitchen and poured himself a glass of water.
I watched him drink from the glass, and then let out a groan.
He leaned against the kitchen island, and we both looked at each other. The kitchen light eclipsed his muscular body.
My cheeks were numb from a mixture of the cold and my blood that was quickly rushing to my pounding heart.
“Why are you staring at me like that?” He asked, casually in that deep rumbly voice of his.
“Because you’re standing here in my kitchen...drinking out of my glass, when you’re supposed to be back in Los Angeles,” I said, crossing my arms, not knowing if I should still be mad at him or not.
“Well, I changed my mind. Is it that hard to accept?”
I hadn’t taken more than three steps since entering the front door, and I was still in my coat and shoes.
Adam was no more than ten steps away, and I wanted to so badly run up to him so that he could hold me in my arms.
But I didn’t want to feel my heart break again. The burn that I was still feeling in my chest and had nearly destroyed me since he left.
“What did you change your mind about?” I asked.
“About going back to Los Angeles,” he said. “I’m going to stay.”
“Stay where?”
“Here. I want to be here.”
“Don’t you have commitments with your band in Los Angeles?”
“I do. But fuck my band, fuck Simon. They don’t care about me.”
“What are you going to tell them?”
“I don’t know yet. I just knew that it was the right thing to do, Pace. I booked a flight back and I didn’t even check in to a hotel or anything. I came straight from the airport here. I didn’t even fucking think about if you were home. When I got here, I waited for hours, and since I saw Cadence in the window, I figured you wouldn’t be gone for that long. I would have waited all night if I had to.”
Adam took steps closer to me, and I couldn’t help but shake my head in my confusion, and tears filled my eyes.
I looked away not wanting him to see that I was crying. But when I felt his warm hand on my face, the tears flowed out of my eyes uncontrollably.
He rested both his hands on my cheeks and wiped the tears off with his thumbs. He made me look up at him, and I could see his sincerity in his eyes.
“Fuck, baby. You’re beautiful when you cry.”
Adam took my glasses off my face, and I lowered my eyes, not wanting him to see me without them on. Adam threw my glasses against the wall, and I heard them break.
I gasped. “Why’d you do that?”
“I’ve known you for over ten years,” he said. “I know you don’t need your glasses to see. You wear them because you feel safe in them. I could never stand them because you’re so fucking beautiful without them. Don’t hide those emerald green eyes, baby. Let the world see how fucking gorgeous you are.”
No one, not even my parents, had ever known that about me. But of all people, Adam was the one who had paid attention so closely to me that he had me figured out.
I couldn’t help but bury my face in his chest to take in his glorious scent.
My tears soaked through his shirt. Adam put his hand on the back of my head and stroked me until I stopped crying.
In his embrace, I calmed down, and though I didn’t want to believe that Adam came back just for me, I had to.
It was the only way I could make any sense of how gentle Adam’s touch was, of how loving and caring it felt to be stroked by him, of how wonderful he smelled.
Adam came back.
For me.