28
Adam
I took a taxi from Pacey’s to my mom’s house. All the decorations from her party had been taken down. The taxi driver pressed a button on the intercom at the front gate.
“Hello?” My mom greeted through the intercom.
I rolled down the window in the backseat. “Mom, it’s me. I need to talk to you.”
“Adam? What are you doing here?”
“That’s why I came to talk. Can you open the gate?”
“Sure, sweetie...come on in,” she hesitated.
The intercom made a buzzing sound, and the gate swung open slowly.
The driver drove up to the front of the house. I paid and thanked him, then walked up the steps. My mom opened the door, she had on glasses, and was wrapped up in a black silk robe.
“Adam, come on in.”
I walked into the house, which felt colder than I had anticipated. We walked into her office, and she closed the door. On her desk were papers scattered all over and a half-lit cigarette on the side of an ashtray.
She sat down behind the desk. My mom looked different out of her usual dark black makeup. For once, she looked like she was human, like my own mother.
“How come you aren’t in Los Angeles?” She asked.
“I flew there, then came back,” I said, sitting down across from her.
“You have a New Year’s Eve show with the band coming up,” she said, looking at her calendar. “Simon just left to Los Angeles to get you guys prepared.”
“I don’t want to do the show.”
She scoffed, picking up her cigarette and taking a drag from it. “Honey, you don’t have a choice. We’ve already committed to it.”
“I didn’t commit to anything, it was decided even before I knew about it.”
“Well, that’s what being in a band is like.”
“Mom, I fucking hate it. I hate how it’s completely consumed my life.”
“I understand, but look what it’s afforded us,” she said, spreading her arms out to show the house she now lived in.
“I can’t even go outside without getting swarmed by people.”
“Well, they can’t help it. Just look at you, you’re their idol.”
“None of those people know me, they just like the image of me.”
“Call it what you want. But you can’t just miss the show. Think of how many people are relying on you. Think of what the internet would say if you aren’t there. They’ll say you’re on drugs again.”
“I don’t care what people think of me anymore. I just want my life back.”
“What life are you talking about? The one where we lived in a one-bedroom apartment?” She asked, raising her voice.
It was the first time she’d brought that up in six years.
“I liked that life more than the one I have now. I was happy. I had a normal life, and people in it who cared about me.” I said, thinking about Pacey and his parents.
“There’s no such thing as a normal life. This is what you wanted, and now you want to back out?”
“No, mom. This is what you wanted. This is what makes you happy, not me.”
“Then what makes you happy? Tell me, and I’ll buy it for you.”
“You can’t buy what makes me happy.”
“Sure I can. You can buy anything nowadays,” she said, taking another drag from her cigarette and blowing the smoke between us.
“Pacey makes me happy,” I said.
“Who’s Pacey?”
“Pacey. My best friend since high school.”
“The guy who you brought to my party?”
“Yes.”
“Are you two together?”
I hesitated, then swallowed the lump in my throat. “Yeah, we’re together.”
“We can’t have that. You should know that, Adam. You are supposed to stay single, and you’re not gay. I know you, you’re my son, and my son isn’t gay.”
“That’s the thing, mom. You have no clue who I am. You only think about what you can use me for to make more money.”
“That’s not true,” she fired back. “I know one thing, it’s that I never liked that Pacey guy.”
“So you do remember him. Why did you act like you didn’t at the party?”
“Because he’s a nobody now. You do not need a nobody to slow you down.”
“Pacey is the most talented person I know. You never even took the chance to get to know him.”
“That’s because I don’t need to. I can tell if a person is successful with just one glance.”
“That’s shallow, there’s so much more to people than fancy cars and expensive clothes. Pacey is the most beautiful person I know, inside and out. His character is flawless, his moral compass is on-point.”
“That sounds lovely. Wow, maybe we can go for lunch with him one day. But you are certainly not leaving Kingdom 4 for him. Not for anyone, and certainly not for another guy. It will destroy your image.”
“Fuck my image! Why should I care about it, if I’m not even happy?”
“Happiness is overrated. Do I look happy to you? You think I wouldn’t rather be doing something else than managing this band?”
“Then why are you even doing it?”
“Because it’s the only thing that’ll keep me off drugs. It’s the only thing I have to look forward to every day without thinking about the day your dad left us. It’s the only thing that keeps me from spending the millions we’ve made and buying all the pills in the world. That’s fucking why.”
I had come here for a fight with my mom. I had come here to win. But hearing those words come from my mom suddenly made it real. It was the first time we’d talked about this ever.
“We’re a lot of the same person,” I said. “We have addictive personalities. And I miss dad just as much as you.”
I could see a tear roll down her face.
“Why’d he have to leave?” She asked. “Why couldn’t he stay and we’d have that perfect family. That white picket fence that I’ve always wanted. Instead, I have this mansion now, and I have the most famous people at these extravagant parties I throw. But still, I feel so empty.”
“Mom, I feel the same way. When I was in my house in Los Angeles, it made me realize that all this stuff I have means absolutely nothing. But when I’m here with Pacey, I feel like the richest man on earth.”
“Adam, you can’t leave me. You’re all I have. If you leave the band, I’ll have nothing left.”
“Mom, I won’t leave you. I never have. I left to Los Angeles with you six years ago, and I’m not going anywhere. But we need to figure something out because neither of us are happy.”
“What am I going to do with Simon?”
“Talk to him honestly, like you’re doing with me. We’ll do it together. I’ll be there for you. We have to tell him that this lifestyle is toxic. I don’t want to drink anymore. I don’t want to do any more drugs. I just want to be here at home with the man I love.”
She wiped the tear from her face and walked around her desk, then kneeled on the floor so that we were face to face. “Adam, you’re my son. I’ll always love you. Let’s figure something out.”
She hugged me, and I’d never felt so much warmth from my own mother.
It brought me back to a memory I had of coming home from school before my dad had left us. I ran up the steps into her arms. It reminded me of the pure and wholesome joy we both had.
I had a preconception my whole life that my mom was a cold and heartless woman who only cared about money.
But I was wrong.
She had her struggles just like me, and she was coping the best way she knew how. Of all people, I should’ve known her the best.
She had gone through the pain of giving birth to me. And she raised me and tried to give me everything I wanted.
It wasn’t the easiest road. She struggled along the way, but so did I. The important thing was that we find a way to make it out on the other side together.
I didn’t want to let her down, but I knew we had to take a risk if we wanted some change in our lives. We’d taken a leap before to get out of our shitty situation, and I was confident that we’d be able to do it again.
I had a good feeling about this.
It was time for me to make some decisions around here. I wanted to relieve the burden my mom carried all these years as a single mom who just wanted to protect me.
I thought about Pacey, who had done the same. Throughout my teenage years, Pacey had made sure that I was safe, and he too would sacrifice his life for mine.
His parents took me in as their second son, and they fed me meals when they knew I was hungry. They washed my dirty clothes and bought me new ones when there were holes in them.
How had I been so lucky to have so many people in my life who cared about me?
Why was I so fucking special?
I wanted to give back. To my mom, to Pacey’s parents. And most importantly, I wanted to give back to Pacey. And the best way I could do that was to move back here to be with him. That was the first step, and I was willing to do whatever it took to fulfill that promise to not only him but to myself.