They’re slow. Not hesitant, really—just careful. Austin takes the time to lock the door behind him, stowing his jacket on a hook by the front door. He feels strange, having Leo in his apartment again. It’s as if the space comes to life around them, warming at the presence of the man. The walls breathe, everything becoming a little less stark. Not as severe. The evening is fading from a rosy twilight to a purple-grey, stars winking in the distance. It’s almost as if they’re in another time and place, the world stopping around them to acknowledge what they’ve done.

“I missed you,” Austin says, quiet, absolutely terrified but not willing to hold back anymore. Not saying things is my problem, he thinks, especially when it comes to what I feel.

“You missed my stir fry?” Leo asks, smiling easily. He turns to watch Austin, relaxed, inviting Austin to join him. It’s just another attempt to put him at ease.

“I missed you,” Austin repeats, moving closer, looking over Leo as if he has to memorize what he looks like. He feels like he’ll forget, otherwise—or wake up from whatever dream he’s having. “You make me more comfortable. Happier.”

“In your own apartment?”

“Yes. Everywhere. Especially at home,” Austin says quietly. “Because there’s nothing to keep me out of my mind, here.”

“That’s true,” Leo smiles, pushing a hand gently through Austin’s curls. He looks fond. “Someone has to help you get out of your own head.”

“Why did you do so much? After I said I wanted to keep it casual?”

“I guess I couldn’t not do more,” Leo admits. “I didn’t want to pressure you into anything but part of me knew I still cared. I couldn’t stop loving you. I just decided I could still love you, even if you didn’t trust me. Or want me around.”

“Leo, that’s incredibly selfless of you.”

“It’s actually really selfish. I just didn’t want to give you up.”

Austin pauses, thinking. Leo is still distracted, reflecting, just an inch away. Maybe it’s a little bit of both, he thinks, and that’s what makes us human. Struggling against the chance of being hurt again but wanting to be loved. To love. It’s the ultimate choice, he thinks, to go from being heartbroken to being open to heartbreak.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Why Damian? Why do it at all?”

“I thought I failed,” Leo says quietly. He’s staring somewhere past Austin, maybe into the past or his own decisions. “You were angry, and I’d never seen you like that. I thought, like everyone else, you’d want to end things. I decided to break things off because I thought you deserved that—to feel like it wasn’t your fault. To have a chance to move on.”

“It wasn’t that bad,” Austin says, shocked. “It was a stupid argument.”

“Maybe,” Leo says, “but all the ones I’d ever had were stupid. Why I was going to break up doesn’t matter, anyway—what matters is that I made the stupid mistake of drinking first. I never did much, and I was messed up, after only a little, thinking that all I needed was to get away from it all.”

“What kind of relationships did you have before that you thought the argument was that bad?”

“Exactly,” Leo says, raising his eyebrows.

“I’m sorry,” Austin says, still trying to comprehend everything. “All of those people that called you a playboy—everyone who said you just moved on so quickly—”

“It’s not like I helped,” Leo says, smiling tiredly. “I never said no. I liked being with someone. Looking after another person and just...being in a relationship. It wasn’t healthy, that’s for sure.”

“So it helped, taking a break?”

“You know it did,” Leo says fondly. “It helped you, too. Even if you didn’t want to admit it.”

I guess that’s right, he thinks. Somehow, without his permission or direct acknowledgment, his time being single had changed him. It had made him realize what he wanted in a relationship. A person who would be there when he needed them, friendly and comfortable and not pushy. A support system to help him learn how not to be a workaholic. He knows better than to expect a partner to look after him all the time now—he understands that he has to change, even if the process is slow, painful, and frightening. Leo had been changing him, before he’d panicked and backed out. It was how he knew that it was Leo he wanted and not some fling to distract him on the weekends.

“I’m pretty sure you’re going to get frustrated with me,” Austin starts, “and you’re going to be angry. I’ll be angry, too, sometimes for stupid reasons. I’ll pull away sometimes, and it won’t be for a real reason, other than me feeling vulnerable—”

“I’m too nice,” Leo interrupts, eyes twinkling as he starts to list things, “and I won’t call you out on your shit as often as I should. I’m a homebody, so I might spend as much time doing the dishes as doing you. I have to be reminded to step up because I’m so careful of other people that I end up letting them do all the work.”

“No matter what, I get the better end of the deal,” Austin says, smiling even as he tries to give Leo one last chance to back out.

“Funny, that’s what I was going to say,” the man grins, leaning in, taking the words right out of Austin’s open mouth.

This is what I missed, Austin thinks, inhaling as if he wants to recycle the air between them. He missed the feeling of being connected, beyond just a physical relationship—he missed feeling like someone was paying attention. Like someone knew what he wanted, without being told. Leo does that—listens without Austin saying anything, doing everything right in the process. Being with Leo feels safe without feeling boring.

He laughs when Leo pulls him towards the bed, tugging at his shirt with careful hands. Their last time together hangs at the back of Austin’s mind—the hot shower and late morning cling to him like a film. He can feel Leo’s hands pressing against his skin, erasing ghosts and leaving new touches in their wake.

“Where do you get the time to exercise? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you work out,” Leo laughs, briefly pulling away from a kiss to pull his shirt over his head.

“Early mornings and late nights,” Austin says, amused, “and a good diet. I’m really not all that strong.”

“Really? You left a few bruises that night—”

Austin growls and silences him with a kiss, eating up the laugh that spills from Leo’s mouth. He feels like somehow, this is different. Not that they were guarded before—it was just somehow more raw, as if they were trying to pour everything into their moments alone. Now, everything is slow, deliberate and patient. Like they know they have a hundred other chances and this is just one night among so many more. It’s comforting.

Leo pulls him close, waiting when Austin leans over him on the bed. They’re still not completely undressed, too attached to take the time to back away. There’s no pressure to move any faster than this. Leo laughs when Austin tries to kiss the freckles on his nose, fingers curling around his neck.

“You know, I used to wonder if your eyes were really blue,” Leo says, a smile warming his face.

“Why?”

“They’re too blue,” he says, a blush rising to his face. “I thought they couldn’t be real.”

Okay. Austin feels an immediate rush, his pulse jumping in an odd flip. It makes him worry, for a mindless moment, that he’s about to have a heart attack. Instead, his blood rushes in his ears and he bends over Leo, a renewed excitement fueling his movement.

He chases Leo’s voice, remembering the way the man sounds, wanting to record him to play back later. Another time, he tells himself, content to hear it in person for the moment being. He’s not disappointed. When he lowers himself against Leo, Leo moans, twisting up into his touch. Austin has the sudden, fleeting realization that they may not last as long as they planned. He’s already hot with energy, pent-up desire curling below his stomach. He’s desperate to feel and touch.

Leo seems to notice his impatience; he has their underwear on the floor in what seems like the blink of an eye, smirking when Austin hisses at the pull of fabric against his skin. His hand reaches blindly until Austin blocks him, fingers catching him and holding him in place. My turn to take care of him, he thinks, hoping it will slow him down as much as it will prove to Leo that he’s serious.

He doesn’t hesitate when he slips down, breathing in the day that hangs on Leo’s skin—sweat and hand soap and fabric softener from his jeans. Leo makes the most delicious sound when Austin closes his mouth over him, still as he tries to catalogue everything he tastes. There’s salt, the sharpness of skin, and something richer—something that reminds him of an earthy note, heavy on his tongue.

When he looks up, he wishes he could take a picture. He wants to see Leo this way for the rest of time, arched off the bed, with sheets twisted around his hands. He’s breathing heavily, the column of his neck exposed as he pushes his head back into the bed. He is open and vulnerable and Austin sighs, a sense of contentment filling his chest. They’ve only started, and he already feels like he’s crossed mountains, bridging the gap between them easily. It’s not about taking and giving anymore; it’s about demonstration. Attention.

Leo tries to move, careful, and Austin has to pay attention. He hasn’t done this in such a long time that it works well to distract him, keeping him occupied while his arousal hovers at the back of his mind. He takes as much as he can, every bit that Leo gives is precious to him. He may not be the best—he knows he isn’t—but he’s trying. He thinks it’s working, listening to Leo cry out as he jerks under Austin’s mouth, distinctly flushed and lost in the motion.

He backs away before they get too far, the warmth leaving him in an unfortunate second. Leo’s hands somehow pull him up, tugging at his hair, the sensation pleasant and sharp on his scalp. He pauses before he leans down, unsure, but Leo rises to meet him with no hesitation.

“I taste good on you,” Leo laughs, voice rough.

If he wasn’t lost before, he is now. Austin can barely keep his head anymore—he can hear Leo’s words swirling in his mind, his voice and the image of him flushed on the bed playing in a loop. He moves quickly, wanting to get closer as fast as possible, and then Leo stops him with a hand to his chest.

“What?”

“Stay there,” Leo says slowly, a smirk flickering onto his lips. “You’re moving too fast.”

Austin pauses, at a loss, and then Leo grabs a bottle and tosses Austin’s phone at him.

“Hands off,” Leo reminds him, smirking, settling back onto the bed.

Oh, no, Austin thinks. I can’t do this. He makes a frustrated noise but opens his phone camera anyway, feeling flushed and distracted. It doesn’t help that Leo is very obviously performing just for him—he’s very aware that he’s being recorded, stretching one arm behind his head and lying just right for the angle of the lens.

“You’re such an exhibitionist,” Austin manages, choking on a laugh when Leo waves coyly, fingers cascading in a wave.

“Only for you,” the man says, smiling as he reaches around his leg. “That’s the rule.”

Leo doesn’t waste time. Austin appreciates it—he thinks they’re both close, dancing off the edge of pleasure, ready to cross the next bridge. Still, the fact that Leo’s taking time to make this different means that he’s well aware that they’re at a crossroads. This is not just the same thing they’ve done a dozen times before, either in college or during their ill-advised fling. It’s something new.

He can barely keep a steady arm while Leo pulls himself apart on the bed, fingers stretching and reaching. Austin wants desperately to touch—to help, to replace the hand and fit in all the places he knows Leo likes. And I know. I know what he likes. Leo arches off the bed, breathy moans swallowed as he claps a hand over his mouth, turning on the bed as he pulls his hand away.

“Come—come here,” he manages, tense and shaking, turning over. Austin feels his mouth go dry, the distraction Leo’s back offers completely shattering his train of thought.

Even the sight isn’t enough to make him forget what he’s doing, though. He drops his phone without a second thought, reaching forward with starved hands, feeling like his skin burns when he grabs at Leo’s waist. Austin is ready, on fire and drawn tight when he lines up behind Leo.

“Do you—”

“I need you to move,” Leo says, choked and almost incoherent. “Move fast.” It’s not a request.

They’re electrified when he pushes in, a shock jolting through their bodies. Austin shudders, forcing himself to stay still for a second, the warmth of Leo’s body enveloping him. He is being pulled in closer, everything tight around him. It’s almost as if he can feel every pulse of Leo’s heartbeat.

Leo moans, leaning forward as if he wants to fall onto the bed, but Austin pulls him up.

“Stay with me,” Austin breathes, weak and oversensitive. “Stay with me.”

He pulls Leo by his shoulder, keeping the man as close as he can, and moves. He almost laughs when a tumble of expletives fly from Leo’s mouth like moths to a flame—it’s a reaction he’ll never get tired of. It’s like a ritual, the way the man baptizes the bedroom with curses and moaning.

Everything blurs around them. He can’t even keep his eyes open to watch Leo, too caught up in the sensation of hitting against him, skin against skin. He thinks he says something, yes and Leo floating into the flood gathering around them on the bed. He feels sweaty and numb, his legs cemented into place as he bends over Leo. He can’t even see the man’s face but he imagines it, red as the scratches on his shoulder blades, tilted to the ceiling in an expression of pure delight. Leo leans back into him with every push, breathing sharply, arms straining to hold his body off the sheets.

It’s a moment, a change, a shift in direction to just the right spot he knows he has to hit. He pushes and Leo falls apart under him, crying out as his entire body shudders. Austin chases the feeling, letting the way Leo tugs him further in drive him right over the edge along with him. He ends up almost lying right across Leo, chest to back, breathing in the salt of his skin. They slide against one another, slippery and raw from the exertion. Austin can’t bear to move for a breathless moment, somehow still upright.

When he finally falls, it’s only because Leo gives in first and collapses onto his elbows. The man laughs, sighing, a tiny hiss of pain escaping from between his teeth as Austin pulls away.

“That was good,” Leo says, content and half-drunk from the chemicals flooding through his veins.

“Very good,” Austin agrees, rapidly losing interest in being awake. He has to force himself to focus as his heavy eyelids threaten to fall shut.

“You didn’t stop recording,” Leo manages to drawl, fingers reaching lazily for the phone on the sheets. He blindly reaches behind him, offering the device in his hand.

“Oh, good,” Austin says, smiling at the saved video. He almost wants to play it just to watch the scene over again. He twitches in interest, a valiant attempt at moving thwarted by his greater need to rest. “I’ll have to watch it.”

“Just add a password to your phone,” Leo says, smirking. “Unless you want Dean catching wind of your fraternization.”

“It’s not fraternization if you’re not an enemy,” Austin mutters, dumping the phone on the nightstand as he yawns. He throws an arm over Leo carefully, pondering.

“As fun as that was,” Leo says, “I feel sticky. I think a shower is in order if I’m going to sleep here.”

“Seconded,” Austin says, fighting another yawn. “We need to move before we fall asleep. Order in?”

“Only if it’s stir fry,” Leo agrees, smiling, and Austin shakes his head.

“Sure,” Austin says, leaning in to kiss him. “We’ll do that.”

No more worrying, he thinks. Just us, together. The way they were always meant to be.