Kyle
Later that day, when the sun had set, the darkness of the city crept into the apartment. Tiff had fallen asleep in my arms dealing with a severe migraine. Once I’d give her some pain medication, she’d passed out soon after. Although she should have been in bed, I decided to hold onto her longer, in hopes of easing her pain.
Tiff could have been a mother, just like Cassidy.
Sometimes I wondered what would have happened if Cassidy hadn’t died and Tiffany had shown up like she did all those months ago. I couldn’t deny the attraction I felt for both women. This was too twisted to think about. Besides, I had always been a faithful man. Cassidy died, and later I found Tiffany. That was all.
Lifting her in my arms, I walked to my bedroom and placed her on the bed. I watched her for the longest time hoping our deep conversation hadn’t been the cause of her migraine. It had taken a lot from her to tell me her story. Her previous relationships had been fucking disastrous. Both our inner pain came from two different situations, but now we’d connected and we understood each other more.
Her athletic body laid at ease on my bed, her dark hair twisted above her head revealing a small heart tattooed behind her ear. Her perfect face seemed so at peace, it inspired me. One thing about Tiff was certain, she appealed to me in every sense.
Leaving her to rest, I went to my small office and started drawing her face and hair surrounded by flowers and a small angel. Like a slap in the face, it hit me—I’m pussy whipped.
Levi would have so much fun throwing it in my face, too, but I didn’t care.
I’m in love with Tiffany.
No, I was more than in love. I was madly in love with her, and couldn’t bear the thought of her moving back to her place. I’d told her as much before, but was now desperate that she wouldn’t. Her place was here with me. My bedroom alone was bigger than her studio. So, unless size mattered to her, the one reason for her to decline would be me, and I wouldn’t let that happen. I wanted to care for her more than anything else.
When my eyes became too tired to draw, it was time to head to bed. I took my place next to Tiff and whispered sweet words in her ear, “I love you, beautiful. So much.”
It was almost incoherent, but she murmured back, “I love you, too,”
Of course, she had to say it the first time while asleep. I sighed, but couldn’t stop smiling. Wrapping my arms around her, I brought her closer to me while pampering her with soft kisses.
“I love you, Kyle,” she repeated more clearly this time.
“Are you awake, Tiff?”
She never answered my question, which made me giggle. What else could I do? At least, her subconscious loved me.
For the second night in a row, I fell asleep holding her in my arms. Since my life had been turned upside down with Cassidy’s death, I’d not slept well. Tiffany was the remedy to the years of nightmares. They had diminished a lot and I was beginning to feel more rested.
It turned out they were better, but not gone.
Cassidy appeared in my dreams in flashes. Her arabesque, her pointe feet, a wave of red hair. So beautiful, I thought. She danced with ease and passion, and I watched her in complete awe. As the dream went on, Cassi’s hair darkened and her dancing body morphed into Tiff’s, her eyes never leaving mine. She smiled, laughed, and sang to the music playing in the background. I blew her kisses, and she returned every one of them. The first word she spoke came out as Cassidy’s voice, which felt wrong, so I stepped back. Tiff looked at me then, question marks in her eyes as a gunshot rang out and everything around me became dark. I tried running away from the darkness, but couldn’t. It had made me its prisoner. My inner strength was nothing against the dark cloud surrounding me. I called out Tiffany’s name.
Shaking off the dream and turning over to reach for Tiffany, I was startled awake when my hand found an empty spot. “Tiff?” I tried to call, but my voice wouldn’t work. “Tiffany?” I tried again jumping out of bed, scared as my heart pounded in my chest.
Did she leave again? Please, no.
The dream had messed with my mind, so I couldn’t think straight. All I wanted was to find Tiffany and hear her voice, but I was getting nothing. Moving to the living room, I then checked the kitchen, but she wasn’t there. She wasn’t in my bathroom either. My office maybe?
“Tiffany?” I yelled, praying she would answer me.
I’d checked every room in the apartment but the main bathroom, which I almost never used. When I opened the door, she was in the tub with her eyes closed and earphones in her ears.
Thank god she’s still here, I thought as I kneeled beside her, almost crying while thanking God.
When I touched her shoulder, her eyes popped open and she looked surprised to see me. Staring at her without blinking, I took in her beauty, the reddish shade of her lips, and the astonishing coloring of her eyes.
“Kyle, what’s wrong? You don’t look well.” Tiffany started to turn to the side, so she could face me, but winced at her body’s restriction.
“Don’t move, babe. I–I thought you were gone again. I called your name and you didn’t answer. What are you doing?”
A light blush covered her cheeks. “You looked so tired yesterday, so I decided to let you sleep in. I didn’t want to wake you up by using your bathroom, so I came down here. I’m feeling a little better today.”
I moved closer to her needing to kiss or touch her… anything to believe this was real. She stayed.
“I was thinking, while I relax in the tub and take it easy, why don’t you go for a run?” Tiff suggested then studied my face. “You like running, don’t you?”
“I do. I think it’s a good idea.” Fuck. I’d almost had a panic attack at the thought of being alone again. At the thought of living here without her. She’d only been here for two days, how could my mind get fucked up that fast?
“Go on, babe. I’ll stay here, don’t worry.”
I nodded, then kissed her again. I took more time, needed to feel her love—the longer we kissed, the more my fucked up mind calmed down. She’d told me she loved me last night. That had to mean something, even if it was said in her sleep.
“I’ll bring back breakfast. Or lunch? I’m not sure what time it is.” Yanking my fingers through my hair, I stood there in disbelief. I had no idea what time it was. I’d been shaken by my dream and the idea of losing Tiff.
“Kyle, we’re okay. Go, it looks like you need to blow off some steam. I’ll be here when you return.”
“I love you,” I told her, breathless, and my chest constricted.
In a hurry to get some fresh hair, I geared up in a pair of shorts and my hoodie, and then went outside as fast as I could. Breathing in and out in hopes of getting rid of the panic building inside of me, I started running, but it didn’t ease the anxiety. Val. I had to talk to her. She’d seen me at my lowest before and we kind of clicked. I dialed her number and set my course, running toward her apartment.
“Hello.”
“Val, can you meet me in five minutes at your place?” I’d slowed my pace when she answered.
“Um, yeah, sure, I’ll be here.”
“Thanks.” I hung up and kept on running, even though her tone hadn’t elicited feelings of confidence that she wanted to meet me.
I spotted her waiting outside by the shop. Since she had agreed to rent the apartment above the shop, I’d made a habit of dropping by. A lot of my past still resided inside that apartment.
“Hey, Val. I really need to talk to you.”
She grabbed me by the elbow. “What happened? Did something— is Tiffany okay?”
I dried my face with my sleeve, wiping away the sweat on my forehead. “I think I’m going crazy, Val.” It was impossible to control the emotion in my voice and face.
“Come on upstairs. We’ve got a lot of talking to do.”
I gave her a summary of the last forty-eight hours of my life, with emphasis on this morning’s nightmare and my fear of waking up without Tiff. Val listened and didn’t judge. It drained all my energy to admit how fucked up I was.
“Kyle, we both know that losing Cassidy left you with scars and an unfinished story. As your friend, I’m going to say that maybe it’s time you talk to a professional.”
I hated the idea of discussing my life with a stranger. “I don’t know. Talking to you helps, Val. It’s enough for me.”
“I can listen and give you advice, but I’m not a professional. I can’t help you face your demons the way a trained person could.” She had a point, as usual, but her advice had always been enough to help me in the past.
“It’s cool with me.”
“So, you and Tiff… What’s going on now?”
If only I knew. Val offered me a glass of water, which I drank in its entirety before answering.
“I told her I loved her. I didn’t want to move so fast, but the accident changed everything. I can’t go back to being away from her most of the time. I lost someone I loved before, so this is no longer an option.”
“Did she tell you how she feels?”
“A little. She kisses me like she loves me, but hasn’t spoken the words to me. Consciously, anyway. I’m cool with it, though, I get it. She’s been through a lot of shit, too. We talked about it and I feel bad for her. She lost a baby, Val. We have so much in common. I know she’s it for me.”
“But?”
“But I feel like I’m going to suffocate her with my fear of losing her.”
Val scooted closer to me and gave me a much-needed hug. “You’ve been so nice to me when I needed a friend. Kyle, the only thing you need to do now is talk to her.” She let go of me. “Be honest with how you feel and your fears. Tiff is a pretty cool girl, she’ll understand.”
I sighed. “I don’t want to scare her away, but I understand. I need to talk to her.” The idea of a serious discussion scared the living shit out of me.
We said our goodbyes, and I went back to my place after grabbing something to eat for Tiff and me. My mind had cleared enough to think calmly, but I still worried about the power of my feelings for her.
My heart had been broken for so long I’d been unable to love, and I’d dealt with it fine. Now, the opposite problem had presented itself, and my control had been lost.