A week passed and I had to remind myself to breathe, to eat, to drink. A hole had opened up where my heart once was—giant-sized crater ripped apart by Warren and Billy. In an effort to keep them, I’d lost both. I tried to tell myself it was okay. This was what I’d planned on, planned for. This was why I’d insisted on working and renting a crummy apartment I could barely afford. I didn’t need anyone. To toughen up, I played I Am a Rock by Simon and Garfunkel on continuous loop. I sang along and cried. Not pretty. My bullshit was a thin veneer, even I could see through it. During the day I waited for the night, for the ability to sleep and for hours to pass where I could forget. I didn’t dream.
My cell phone rang.
I searched it out under the mound of the covers. It couldn’t be Warren or Billy. I’d blocked their numbers. They didn’t want to talk to me. I didn’t want to talk to them. Well, I did want to talk to them. But blocking was a measure of self-preservation. What if I didn’t block them and they never called? That would cut me even deeper. So I banned their numbers and convinced myself they were calling and calling. Pathetic, I know. But it kept a spark of hope alive. And hope was all I had to hold onto.
It was probably Gabe, Pete or Mel calling to check in. I’d forgiven Gabe almost immediately. He hadn’t meant to let my hospital visit slip. I understood what had happened—he’d been too caught up in his own emotional whirlwind. Plus my friends were few these days. I needed to keep those I had.
Whenever any of them phoned, I raised my voice to a cheery octave. “I’m doing great. I’m really focusing on work,” I would say. I didn’t have a job. I’d quit it to go on tour with Billy. They’d ask more questions, and I’d answer them with a sugary sweetness I found annoying. “I’m eating healthy and getting back into the gym.” I had Twinkies for breakfast and walking up a flight of stairs winded me. “And school is starting soon. I’m looking forward to that.” I hadn’t registered, nothing appealed to me.
Brring.
Whoever was calling was insistent. After a while, I managed to find the phone and pulled it free from the bedding. A glance at the caller ID showed it was Jett. I bolted upright, flipping tangled hair from my face, blinking my gummy eyelids. Jett called me regularly—every birthday, holiday, etc. But never at two o’clock in the morning. The only time he’d called this late was when Billy had broken his arm falling from the stage. He’d been drunk and had a fight with Daisy a few hours before.
“Hello?” I croaked.
“Addy, it’s Uncle Jett.”
“What’s wrong?” I could hear it in his voice, seriousness. My grip on the phone tightened.
“It’s Daisy. You better come.”
The flight from New York to Boise, Idaho, felt like forever. In reality it took just over five hours. I used Billy’s credit card to book the first seat available. Some things were worth more than my pride, like getting to Daisy ASAP. Luckily, Billy’s credit cards worked. I was afraid he’d cut me off. I texted Jett my flight info. He replied back Kelly would be waiting for me at the airport. As I exited the plane, airport security approached me.
“Ms. Wanks, welcome to Boise,” a clean-cut guy in a navy blazer said. “We’ll retrieve your luggage from baggage claim and have it brought to your car. If you’ll just follow us.”
My mouth dipped into a frown. This was unusual. Most times, I flew under the radar, no pun intended. But today I was so thankful for the quick escort I didn’t ask questions. I should have. Hindsight is always twenty-twenty.
Security led me through an employee-only zone. We weaved through hallways until two glass doors leading outside cut off our path. My escort opened the door for me. At the curb, a shiny Escalade idled. Kelly stepped out of the passenger seat and opened the back door.
“Hurry, lass,” he said. He wore all black, complete with combat boots. Tactical gear. Had I fallen into a spy novel and not known it? “We’ve been circling to avoid the paps.”
I stalled, digesting what he said. Flashes of light caught in my peripheral vision. Then came the shouting.
“Addison! Is it true you lost Warren Price’s baby?”
“Addison! Care to comment on your secret marriage to Warren Price?”
“Addison! Does your marriage to Warren Price have anything to do with the longstanding feud between Wild Minds and Wanks and Janks?”
My eyes widened. A stampede of paparazzi descended upon us. Kelly wrapped a strong arm around my shoulders, gently guiding me to the car. I dove inside. Kelly slammed the door and regained the passenger seat. “Go,” he shouted to the driver. We sped away, leaving the paparazzi behind.
I drew in a careful breath. My hands shook. “They know,” I said in a daze.
Kelly nodded. “Aye, it’s been all over the rag magazines. I’m surprised you’re surprised.”
“I haven’t left my apartment.” I’d ordered in groceries and binge-watched television.
“That was probably for the best, kept you safe and hidden. Nobody could find you.” Kelly’s eyes caught mine in the rearview mirror.
“How’d they find out?”
“The waiter at the restaurant. He sold the story.”
Ah, I barely remembered him. But he was there, at the dinner from hell, where all our family secrets were served up as the main course. A sizzle of anger settled in my spine, but it was eclipsed by something bigger: worry. “How’s Daisy?” I asked.
Kelly was silent for a beat. “You’ll see when you get there.”
An ominous feeling took hold. If Kelly wouldn’t tell me, it had to be bad.
The ride to the hospital was short. The driver circled to a back entrance where another security guard waited. “I’ll help get the car and your luggage sorted out and meet you up there,” Kelly said.
I nodded mutely and let security handle me, leading the way. Another maze of hallways and one elevator ride, and we were on the fourteenth floor. “Should be safe up here, ma’am,” the security guard said, holding open the elevator doors. “The whole floor has been designated private. Your father is just through those doors.”
I uttered a thank you. My shoes squeaked on the linoleum tile. I pushed through the doors. At the end of a fluorescent hallway, Billy sat hunched over in an orange plastic chair. A cup of cheap coffee was in his hands, and a cigarette hung loosely from his lips.
He didn’t look up as I closed in. “Thought you quit those,” I said.
A corner of his mouth turned up. He plucked the cigarette from his mouth, placing it behind his ear. “She’s been asking for you.” He jerked his head at a cracked door. I wanted to ask how bad it was, give myself a few seconds to mentally prepare, but Billy stood abruptly. He had big circles under his eyes and his face looked gaunt, ashen.
“Have you eaten?” I asked. Whatever animosity was between us could wait.
Billy shook his head. “I can’t… I can’t leave her. The doctors, they can’t figure out what’s wrong with her. She says she’s dizzy, but her blood pressure is fine. She says she’s having contractions, but the tests say everything is all good. They wanted to send her home but I insisted she stay. I’m paying to keep her here for now. But I’m hiring a private doctor.” His voice got louder with the last sentence. A woman in scrubs glanced up from the nurse’s station and frowned. Billy frowned back. “Better than any of these quacks.”
I chewed my lip. “Go find something to eat. I’ll stay with her until you get back.”
Billy nodded absently, massaged the back of his neck with a hand. “Yeah, okay. I won’t go far. Jett’s in there, have him come out. He hasn’t eaten either.”
I smiled and nodded. I took a few steadying breaths and pushed into the hospital room. “Daisy?” I called.
The room looked more hotel suite than a hospital room. The light was soft, yellow and warm. Flowers littered almost every surface, perfuming the air. A bed had been set up in the center. And in it was Daisy. My former nanny was hooked up to all sorts of machines. Wires ran from her arms and under the covers. My eyes traveled the length of her body. A sickening feeling took root in my gut. I prepared for the worst, for her face to look ten times more haggard than Billy’s. But when my gaze settled on her, my jaw nearly dropped.
Daisy’s red hair was piled on top of her head in a messy bun. Her cheeks were rosy. She was practically glowing. She looked like a painting of Venus Lily had showed me in the Louvre. Only Venus was downing an ice cream sundae. My ex-nanny was licking the spoon as if her life depended on it. Hearing me, she turned toward the door, eyes brightening. “Addison! You’re here,” she exclaimed.
I smiled, unsure. “Hey, Daisy.” Movement in the corner of the room snagged my attention. Jett shifted uncomfortably on his feet, hands stuffed in his pockets. I addressed him, “Billy’s waiting for you. He wants you to come with him to grab something to eat.”
“Sounds good,” Jett said. “You got this?” he asked Daisy.
Daisy nodded, bun on top of her head bobbing. Jett left, closing the door softly behind him.
“How are you feeling?” I drew closer to her bedside. Billy’s words filtered through my mind. They can’t figure out what’s wrong with her.
Daisy scraped the last of the ice cream from her sundae and frowned at the empty dish. “I’m fine,” she said, setting the dish on a bedside tray. She looped her hands under her heavy abdomen. Last time I saw her, which was a week ago, she hadn’t been nearly as large. “How are you?” she asked.
“Good,” I said. “Daisy, what’s going on? Why are you in the hospital?”
Daisy waved a hand. “It’s nothing. I was feeling a little dizzy Monday. And you know Billy. He rushed me to the hospital. The doctor said I was fine, all part of being pregnant.”
Mentally, I did the math. “It’s Thursday,” I said. “You’ve been here for four days. Doctors don’t check you into the hospital if you’re fine.” What had Billy said? They wanted to send her home, but I insisted she stay.
“Well,” Daisy said, lips pursing, “it was the damnedest thing. They were about to release me when I started feeling dizzy again. So we stayed a little longer, just for observation. And wouldn’t you know it, every time they tried to discharge me the dizziness returned.”
“That’s very coincidental.” Suspicion tightened my gut. I smelled a rat.
“I know.” Daisy smiled. “It’s been so great. Billy rubs my feet every night. Have you seen my feet lately? They’re as big as paddle boards.” She wiggled her toes under the covers.
I came right out and asked it. “Daisy, are you faking being sick?”
The denial I expected didn’t come. She nodded. “Yep,” she said, popping the p. She looked mournfully at her empty ice cream dish. “I wish I had more ice cream. You wouldn’t believe how much this kid loves dairy.”
“Daisy!”
Her gaze snapped back to me.
Utter disbelief and shock ran through me. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done, what you’re doing? I hopped on a flight from New York. I didn’t even have time to pack clean underwear. Billy’s a wreck. He’s threatening to call in a private doctor. He’s probably terrorizing this whole hospital all day.”
Daisy’s jaw worked. She fisted the white blanket in her hands. “I’m so sick of his shit.” Her eyes shimmered with tears. “You know I’ve got shit, too. Everyone always wants Daisy to fix everything.” Her nose screwed up, and her voice dropped low, mimicking: “‘Daisy, Billy refuses to play unless he has a bowl full of green Skittles, the lime kind, the retired kind.’ ‘Daisy, the band wants to Slip ’N’ Slide in the hallways of their hotel.’ ‘Daisy, nobody can find Addy, find her, make her come home, make her apologize to me.’” The last sentence was spoken with Billy’s accent. Her voice went back to normal. “But you know what? I’m tired, I’m pregnant and I’m hormonal. I’m taking a break. So sue me.”
“Okay.” I spoke in a placating tone, as one would do with an errant child.
“You know what else?” Daisy asked.
“I couldn’t hazard a guess.”
“I’m sick of your shit, too.”
“My shit?” Color me surprised.
“Yeah. You took off and don’t call. Just to hear you were okay, we had to get information from Pete and Mel. And you know how much Billy hates them. Then I had to deal with Billy’s bad mood every time…”
I grabbed her hand to shut her up. “I’m sorry,” I said. “That was a shitty thing to do.”
Daisy exhaled a breath, blowing the wisps of hair from her face. “It’s okay. All water under the bridge now.” I blinked, taken back by Daisy’s mood change. Pregnancy hormones sure took you on one hell of a ride. She scooted over in the bed and patted the empty spot next to her. “Sit,” she commanded.
I settled in and lay back, half my body on the bed, half off. “So you’ve been faking being sick.”
She shrugged. “I did feel dizzy on Monday. I wasn’t lying about that. But then when I thought about going back on tour, I couldn’t do it. I’m so tired.”
“Well, I’m glad you’re all right. You should’ve told Billy you needed a break,” I gently chided. “He would’ve delayed the tour.”
“I know. But then you wouldn’t have come,” she said quietly.
I squeezed my eyes shut. “So the faking wasn’t just because you were tired but also a ploy to get me to come back?”
“Uh-huh.”
Her plan was diabolical. “My God, Daisy, I’d expect this from Billy but not from you.”
“He must be rubbing off on me.” Suddenly, Daisy jumped.
I bolted upright, off the bed. Had I hurt her? How fragile were pregnant women in their second trimester? “What’s wrong?” I asked, ready to hit the little red emergency button I spied on the bed railing.
Daisy moved and winced. “He’s kicking my ribs.”
Tentatively, I reached out. “Can I feel?”
Daisy grabbed my hand and dragged me forward, placing my palm on her belly. For a moment, nothing happened and then… the baby kicked. I withdrew my hand in shock. I knelt back beside her. “He?” I asked, keeping my eyes on her middle.
“Yep, we’re having a boy.” Daisy patted her stomach.
A single tear ran down my cheek. “I never got to know the sex of my baby. I don’t even know if there was a sex yet.”
“Oh, honey.” Daisy wrapped her arms around me, my head on her chest, right above her heart. I realized then I’d been wrong about not having a mother. Daisy was my mother. She’d always been there, in the background, giving me a thumbs up or muttering gentle encouragement, soothing the rough edges of the relationship with my father. So she wasn’t my biological mom. She was more—a nanny, a big sister, and a fill-in parent all in one. I was lucky. Blessed.
“Everything seems so fucked up now,” I said.
She rested her chin on top of my head. “It doesn’t have to be. Talk to your father. Make things right. I know he wants to.”
“How do you know?”
“You know Billy. He explodes and then always regrets it. He’s flawed and so are you. We all are. Plus, I might’ve told him it was my dying wish to see you two reconciled.”
Wiping my eyes, I sat up. “That was cruel.”
Daisy giggled. “I know. You should’ve seen his face. Even when the doctor assured him I wasn’t dying, that I was being overdramatic, Billy insisted they run a full battery of tests.”
I stood and stretched. “You shouldn’t mess with his emotions so much.”
Daisy seemed unbothered. “He messed with mine for two years before committing. I’d say we’re even now.”
“Between the two of you, I don’t know who’s worse.”
In the hall, I heard voices. Jett and Billy had returned. I straightened and said, “I’m going to go talk to him.”
“I think that’s an excellent idea.” Daisy smiled encouragingly.
Near the door, I stopped and turned. “Does Jett know you’ve been faking it?”
“He figured it out, wouldn’t make the phone call until I fessed up to him. Nothing gets by that man. He may not say much but he sees all. Oh, ask him for another ice cream sundae when you get out there.”
“Sure,” I said.
When I emerged, Jett and Billy were seated in the plastic chairs lining the hall. “Hey,” I said. “Get something to eat?”
“Shitty hospital food,” Billy said.
“Shitty,” Jett repeated, agreeing.
“We brought you a cup of coffee.” Billy held up a small white cup with a plastic lid.
“Thanks,” I said. I took the cup from him and sat down. “Daisy wants another ice cream sundae.” I spoke around Billy to Jett.
“Another?” he asked. “That’s the third one.”
“I’d get it sooner rather than later. She was pretty adamant.”
Jett stood, brushed his hands down his jeans. “I have to sneak them up here. The hospital staff monitors her meals. Something about policy. I’m going to freeze my nipples off hiding it. Billy, the things I do for your girls,” Jett muttered as he wandered off.
Billy and I were alone in the hallway. I sipped my coffee, letting the warm liquid burn a path down my throat.
“Thanks for coming,” Billy said. “Daisy kept asking for you. I think she wanted to see you more than me.”
I bobbed my head up and down. “What about you?”
“What about me what?”
“Did you want to see me too? Or are you still pissed at me?” I came right out and said it.
“I’m not pissed, little bird.”
“But you were,” I pointed out.
“Yeah, of course I was. All these years I thought we had a fantastic relationship. Whenever anyone asked about you, I’d point out that I was your best friend. They always laughed. I thought they were agreeing with me. But it turns out they were humoring me. I don’t know shit about your life, do I? Do you know how much that burns?”
“Billy—”
“And then there’s that. You won’t even call me Dad or Pop. I know I haven’t been perfect, but you know I’ve done the best I could, right?”
Oh, man, here came the tears again. Billy’s learning curve had been sharp. He’d had a five-year-old dumped in his lap at the age of twenty-two. Maybe it was time to forgive, forget and move on. I couldn’t keep holding things against him. “I know.”
Billy sipped his coffee. “Daisy told me about your baby.”
“She did?”
“I was pissed about that, too.”
I winced. Ouch.
His eyes turned sharp and hurt. “Not about the baby, bird. Never about that. About the fact you didn’t tell me. Daisy pointed out I was being selfish. ‘Maybe you need to reflect,’ she said, ‘think about what you’ve done to make Addy feel like she couldn’t confide in you.’”
I picked at the label on my coffee cup. I didn’t say anything.
Billy shifted his body so he faced me. “She was right. I made it so you didn’t feel safe when you were in trouble. My one job as a parent, and I’ve failed.”
I closed my eyes, opened them. “You’re not a failure. You’ve been awesome. Even when I was mad at you and didn’t want to be around you I never wished for another dad.”
He settled back in his seat. “Well that’s something, I guess. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I’m sorry you didn’t feel safe telling me. When I think of you alone in that hospital…” He trailed off.
“I wasn’t alone. Lily and Gabe were there.”
“But I should’ve been there, too. I’m your pop. There’s nothing you could ever do that would make me stop loving you.”
“Except marry Warren Price.” The words slipped from my mouth unbidden. I clamped my lips shut.
Slowly, he shook his head. “Ah, little bird. You’ll never know how much I regret that, turning my back on you in the restaurant. It’s not one of my proudest moments.”
“You were so disappointed in me.”
“That’s true. I always imagined if you got married, I’d be there, walking you down the aisle. We may not be a traditional family, but I would’ve liked that. I would’ve been on my best behavior too.”
“Well, next time you may get to.” I meant it as a joke, but it came out so bleak-sounding.
“You and War ain’t on good terms?” he asked.
I didn’t want to talk about Warren, so I changed the subject. “Daisy said you’re having a boy.”
Billy must have read my reluctance, because he let the subject drop. A small smile appeared. “Yeah. God help us if he’s anything like me.”
I nudged his shoulder. “Two Billy Wankses? The world could be so lucky.”
“I’m fucking terrified.”
“You’re going to be a great dad.” That was the truth. Billy had been unconventional, but he’d been a good father. Even with all his mistakes, I wouldn’t have chosen anyone else.
“You would’ve been a great mother.”
Gah. Tears again. “You think?”
“Absolutely. Just wasn’t your time yet.” A pause. “We going to be all right?”
He’d asked me that before, when I’d first found out about Daisy’s pregnancy and gone on an epic bender. I’d said yes, but I hadn’t meant it. I nodded. “I think so. And if we’re not we’ll work through it.”
He straightened, and took a sip of his coffee. “Look at us, all mature and shit.”
“Daisy would be so proud.” We laughed together and it felt good. Everything felt lighter, better.
Billy looked at his lap, sobering. “I mean it, little bird. I’m fucking terrified about this new baby. You turned out terrific despite me.”
“Just think of whatever you would’ve done when I was a kid and do the opposite,” I quipped.
Billy smiled at my joke. “I’m going to need help.”
“Daisy’s a natural, she’s great with kids.”
“I’m going to need more than Daisy. I want you to come home. Help your old man out.”
I said nothing, stared into the lid of my coffee cup.
“Is it school? You know we have colleges in L.A.,” he said.
I frowned. “It’s not school. Truth is I’m not doing so great in that arena either. I keep changing my major. I can’t decide what I want to do.” While we were on this honesty kick, I decided to let it all hang out.
“You’ll figure it out,” he reassured. “You’ve always liked to tell people what to do. You’re a born leader. I always knew someday you’d be the head of a large company or a prison gang.”
I chuckled. Still, I stalled on answering Billy’s question.
“Fuck it,” Billy ground out. “He can live with us, okay? If that’s what it takes, the little bugger you married can live with us, too.”
My mouth twitched with a smile. “While I appreciate that warm and welcoming offer, Warren’s not the problem.” I wasn’t even sure if we were still together. I wondered what Warren had been up to during our time apart. If he’d been trying to call, or if he was still “processing.”
“Then what is it?”
“I don’t know. I guess I don’t want to get in the way.”
“You wouldn’t be in the way. I need you. Daisy needs you.” His voice dropped to a persuasive rumble.
I felt the heaviness of his stare on my profile. He was waiting for an answer. But I wasn’t ready to give one, so I evaded. Again. “Daisy’s faking.” I outted my former nanny. She deserved it.
Billy’s jaw unhinged. “That devious redhead…” he muttered.
“Don’t be too mad at her. She’s tired. She needs a break. All the traveling has gotten to her. Also, she used it as an excuse to get us back together.”
“I’m not mad at her. I’m furious I didn’t think of it first.”
As if sensing we were speaking about her, Daisy called for us. Billy rose, exhaled gustily and said, “I’m going to tell her the doctors think she needs a colonoscopy. Play along if you don’t mind.”
“I don’t think I’ll be able to keep a straight face. I’m going to get a refill.” I held up the coffee cup. “Tell her I’ll be there in a minute.”
Billy nodded. “Sure.”
At the double doors, I paused and turned. Billy was just stepping into Daisy’s room. “Pop,” I called out. He stopped and cocked his head, listening. “I’ll come home.”
His shoulders dropped—a sign of happiness or relief? Probably both. “Sounds good, bird.”
Yeah, we’d be all right.