I gazed out the window, watching the scenery blur by. About fifty miles ago the sparse tree landscape had turned red and rocky. The air was dry. We were definitely in the desert. We’d be in Phoenix just two days, then we’d be making a big jump to L.A. The entertainment capital was home to both bands. Everyone would get a chance to sleep in their own beds, shower in their own bathrooms.
Billy’s house had never felt like a home to me. A modern architectural wonder, the house was made up of sharp angles and floor-to-ceiling windows. He’d never meant to have a kid there. It wasn’t built for a family. When I was little and we weren’t touring, we only spent short bursts of time in the glass box. Inevitably, Billy would grow restless. Staying in one place too long made him anxious. He wasn’t meant to put down roots. I’d wake up to Billy packing our bags, booking us tickets to France or Spain or Japan. I believed he secretly missed his real home in the U.K.
Years before I was born, he’d had a falling out with his parents and they hadn’t spoken since. Billy said they never understood him. His soul was meant to wander. I didn’t know if mine was. I loved the road and the concerts, but when I was young, I had wanted nothing more than just to be still.
Nearby, Jett and Chord sat in flanking armchairs, strumming acoustic guitars. Chord sat next to me, headphones on and eyes closed. Daisy and Billy had disappeared to the back. We were in a lull. I guessed I understood why Billy liked nonstop action: because in these moments of quiet you were forced to think. And lately my thoughts centered on one tattooed lead singer. Besides some scalding looks, Warren hadn’t spoken to me. You are a cold-hearted bitch. There was some irony in that statement when he was the one who had made me that way.
Kelly plopped down beside me, greeting me with a smile. “Your neck looks good today, lass.”
The bruises were almost healed, but there were some residual aches. “Yeah, I’m almost all better. You’ll be out of a job soon.” Murse Kelly and I had grown into an easy, casual friendship, like siblings.
“I don’t think so. Billy wants me to stay on as your muscle.” He flexed his bicep and grinned. He had nice forearms, thickly muscled and veined. “Plus I’ve been helping look after Daisy too.” Today, his long hair was pulled back in a man-bun.
My eyes strayed to the back of the bus. The master bedroom door was closed. Since our hotel stay back in Seattle, Daisy’s sickness had grown worse. She’d been too sick to appear at last night’s concert. I wasn’t worried. I had an inkling what was going on. Daisy was pregnant. My cabbie in Seattle had been right. I was just waiting for Billy and Daisy to confirm it.
I swallowed and it felt like glue was lodged in my throat. Why hadn’t they told me yet? As if he could read my thoughts, Billy emerged from the back room, closing the door softly behind him.
He looked as tired as Daisy was.
“How’s Daisy?” I asked him.
“She’s good. Fine.” He wouldn’t meet my eyes.
“Maybe I should go check on her.” I rose to stand.
“You stay, lass. I’ll check in on Daisy.” Kelly got up, bypassed Billy and knocked softly on the bedroom door. “Daisy, it’s Kelly.” There was a murmur from the other side and Kelly slipped through the door.
Billy took Kelly’s seat on the couch next to me. “Thought he was a she,” he said, nodding to the door as Kelly shut it behind him. “Never would have hired him if I’d known. I fancied a woman bodyguard and nurse. You know I’m an equal opportunist.”
I shrugged, unwilling to engage him in the conversation. Billy was prone to rants.
My father tapped his thumbs on his thighs. “I hate these long stretches of road.”
“Maybe Daisy should go see a doctor,” I blurted. For some reason, I decided to push and prod at Billy until he told me the truth. Poke the bear.
Billy spread his arms out so they rested on the back of the couch. He gazed out the window, avoiding eye contact again. “She’ll be fine, yeah. Just some bad food poisoning or something.”
I gulped and wanted to hide. Warren had said the same thing to me back in Rome. I hadn’t had food poisoning and neither did Daisy. “Still, if it’s that bad maybe we should call a doctor. Kelly’s great and all but maybe Daisy needs to have some tests done or something.”
“Fucking hell, little bird.” Now, Billy’s eyes were on mine full force, the color of emeralds and just hard, they weren’t kind. “Just leave it alone, okay? She’s fine. She’ll be fine. If you want to talk about something why don’t we talk about you and that prick Warren?”
Stupefied, I turned from him. Now it was my turn to avoid eye contact.
“You think I don’t notice things, but I notice everything. You think your old man is some stupid sap who doesn’t see the way he still looks at you and the way you still look at him.”
Wow, Billy, way to launch an offensive. “Nothing is going on.”
Jett chose that moment to join the conversation. He swiveled in the armchair and faced us. “Are you talking about Addy? Ain’t possible, mate. She’s got herself a boyfriend.”
Billy snorted. His thumbs drummed faster on the back of the seat.
“I would never screw around behind Gabe’s back.” How had we gotten into this discussion? We were talking about cheating on my fake boyfriend with my very real husband. I wanted to throw my hands up at the ridiculousness of it all.
Billy leaned forward, head in his hands. White blond hair poked through his fingers. “You’re right, little bird. I’m sorry. I’m just worried about Daisy.”
I uncurled myself from the sofa, moving closer to Billy. “It’s all right.” I patted his back. My smile was a touch brittle.
He straightened. “I need a drink. Let’s drink and play some music.”
Jett and Chord joined him in a chorus of, “Hear, hears.”
Billy roused Turner and together they played a full Johnny Cash acoustic concert. When they started Ring of Fire, I plucked a lighter off the kitchen counter and held it up. No matter what, I’d always be their biggest fan.
The Phoenix concert ended just after midnight. The noise increase outside the stadium and along the security fences alerted me. I’d skipped the show, curled up in my bunk with my Kindle. Fans chanted, willing the bands to exit the back door. Jett, Chord and Turner would definitely go out, find an after-party somewhere. The bus door opened. I heard two sets of footsteps accompanied by Billy and Daisy’s voices in the cab.
A soft knock sounded on the wood paneling. “Little bird? You awake?” Billy called quietly.
I stuck my head out of my bunk. “I’m here.”
“Come on out, Daisy and me need to talk to you.”
My steps were sluggish. I stretched a five-second walk into a full minute. Daisy and Billy sat on the couch. I folded myself into a wingback chair that swiveled. “Where’s everyone?” Kelly had been with me, settled up front reading the paper.
“Jett, Chord and Turner went to an after-party and I asked Kelly to wait outside. This is a family matter,” said Billy.
I raised both my brows. “Sounds ominous. You sending me back to Pete and Mel’s again?”
Daisy smiled feebly. “Nothing like that. It’s good news. At least I think it’s good news. I hope you think it’s good news too.”
A beat of silence passed.
Finally, Billy placed his hand over Daisy’s. “Right. Better to get it all out there. Daisy’s pregnant. You’re going to have a brother or sister. I’m going to be a father.” Brief pause. “Again.”
Daisy’s smile brightened but it looked a little sickly, fake.
Billy just looked grim.
“Oh,” was all I could say. I was stunned. I had figured it out, but to hear it was a completely different matter. To say it was shocking was an understatement. My mind exploded with bad thoughts. Billy didn’t want more kids. At least that was what he’d told me, what he’d promised me. Of course, now as an adult I couldn’t possibly hold him to it. But his vow had wiggled its way into my brain. I was content to be an only child. It made me feel special. I’d taken Billy’s words to heart. How could I want more children when I already have the perfect one?
Daisy and Billy were starting a family. Without me. The timing couldn’t be better. I was in college. Billy was retiring. They could set up house, a home, in L.A. This baby would have all the things I’d longed for but never had the courage to ask for as a child.
“That’s all you’ve got say?” Billy asked, green gaze never leaving me.
I tried to smile but failed. “Congratulations. That’s great news.”
“Really?” Daisy said, relief evident in her voice. “I was so worried about telling you. We’ve been trying for a year.” Wait, what? “I’m almost five months along. I wanted to tell you right away, but Billy wanted to wait. We had some complications. Then once we found out everything was okay, Billy was arranging this whole tour.” I started to feel sick as the full weight of her words sunk in. And then she dealt the death blow. “It’s so amazing, Billy decided to retire for the baby. He wants to be there for everything…” She trailed off as my mouth opened and closed, stupefied. That was okay, she didn’t need to finish. I knew where she was headed. He wanted to be there for everything because he wasn’t there for me.
“You planned this?” I asked and I didn’t recognize my own voice. It was like I was in a tunnel, shouting from some deep, dark, pain-filled place. “You didn’t plan me.”
“Little bird…” Billy started.
I waved him off. They’d had their say. Now I wanted mine. “So you’re what?” Standing, I fired questions at Billy. “You’re going to set up house? Play a happy family? What happens when you get bored? Are you going to put an infant on an airplane and take them to God knows where like you did with me?”
Billy was the epitome of calm. “Of course not, little bird. I’ve learned from my mistakes.”
Later on I’d be able to decipher what I’d heard, but right then? Right then all I heard was the word “mistake.” As in “Addison was a mistake.” A sob wrenched in my throat. Why did this hurt so much?
“Addy.” Daisy reached for me.
My heart pounded. I needed to get off the bus. All of sudden it felt as if there wasn’t enough air. My hands balled into fists. “Congratulations. Really, guys. I’m so happy for you. I can imagine you probably want your alone time.”
“Now wait a minute—” Billy stood.
“No, it’s totally good.” I smiled but I imagined it looked manic. I did feel a little crazy. “I’m going to go out for a bit. Let you two have your time together.” I picked up my purse from the kitchen counter, hugging it to my chest. “You won’t have very much alone time much longer. Once that baby comes…” Everything changes, I wanted to say, but I couldn’t finish my sentence.
I fled the bus.