“Oh my god, you’re the best secret lover I’ve ever had,” I exclaimed upon seeing the hotel suite. The next night, Billy made good on his word and rented us a hotel room. Actually, a hotel floor. The top floor, lined with suites, one for each band member.
Upon entering the cream and gold room, I squealed in delight. I danced through the living room and threw open a bedroom door. Another squeal of delight and I jumped onto the king-sized bed, sinking into the fluffy duvet. Doubling my happiness was the fact that I had the afternoon off. At Billy’s behest, Trent had taken Addy to see the new Pixar flick. Then he wasted no time ushering me into a limo and taking me to a hotel. It wasn’t lost on me that Billy was doing this all for his benefit. He thought he was going to get laid. And he was so right.
Billy followed and positioned himself in the doorway, shoulder leaning against the frame, arms crossed. His bicep muscles bunched under his tee. Yum. “How many?” he asked.
I stopped my ogling. “How many what?”
He frowned. “How many lovers have you had?”
I pursed my lips and tried not to smile. “This year?”
“This isn’t a laughing matter, flower. We’re still recovering from the tutor.” His mention of Joseph reminded me I needed to get on the horn and find Addy a new tutor stat. “How can you expect me to trust you again if you won’t be forthright?”
I laughed and bit my cheek. “How many have you had?”
“Lovers? Counting you?” he asked. I nodded. “One.”
I made a face of much disbelief. “What about Svetlana?”
Billy scoffed. “Svetlana? I fucked her but we were never exclusive.”
I winced at his crassness. I felt bad for the model, that Billy could dismiss her so callously. Would he do the same to me? But, as Billy had just pointed out, he hadn’t committed to her. He hadn’t promised anything. Not like he had with me. That had to mean something. Didn’t it?
“What’s wrong?” asked Billy.
I rested my chin on my folded hands. “Nothing.”
“Please.” He tilted his head at me. “I’m an obsessive fan of your face. I can tell when something is wrong, you get this tiny pucker …” Two steps and he was in front of me, his crotch almost at eye level. Despite my pique, dirty thoughts filled my mind. He put a single finger between my brows … “right here.”
I peered up at him, at his magnificent body and too-beautiful face. It didn’t seem fair what god had given him—looks and talent. Liquid filled my eyes. I felt weepy and hormonal. Maybe I was near my period. Yeah, that was it, and not all these pesky feelings I’d developed for my boss. “I’m just thinking about the future.” The rock star life, it’s a fantasy. I sighed. “How all things eventually end.”
“Deep thoughts for such a pretty girl.” I screwed my face up, not sure if I should be offended by the implication that pretty girls didn’t need to be smart, or delighted he’d called me pretty. I settled into ambivalence. He crouched so we were face-to-face, almost nose-to-nose. Since our sexy times, I noticed Billy needed a lot of affection. He wanted to hold hands or play with my hair or simply be in my space. I was constantly batting him away, afraid Addy might see, trying to keep my emotional distance, to keep from fully falling. My physical distance provoked much scowling and glowering from Billy. He’d been in a shit mood until we’d gotten to the hotel. “Nothing lasts forever,” he said, hand on my cheek, gently cradling it.
“I know.” My lips curled downward. All things had a time limit. Billy’s attention span. This job. My mother’s life.
“But while it does last, it can be fun right?”
“Sure,” I agreed. It’s easy to acquiesce when it’s your only option. “It’s just that,” I paused, “I have complicated feelings for you, Billy.” There, I admitted it.
He closed his eyes and then opened them, perhaps willing my words away. Shit had just gotten real. And Billy didn’t do real very well. “Don’t say that, flower.”
I met his eyes. “Too late.” I was an inch away from begging. Could you ever feel anything for me? Please feel something for me. If you don’t, just lie. I realized how pathetic I was. If he didn’t care for me, I’d still sleep with him, I’d still fetch his coffee and iron his shirts while secretly smelling them.
His thumb rubbed my bottom lip. “I know you got concerns about what’s going on between us, flower. You’re feeling shit and I get that. I’m feeling some shit, too. ” My heart took flight. Treacherous hope dug and took root. My insides felt like one of Addy’s early drawings, all scribbly and chaotic colors. He rubbed his chest and he grimaced. “Jesus, it kind of hurts sharing feelings. Is this what it’s like to be sensitive? I feel like an elephant just sat on my chest. Quick …” he stood and began unbuttoning his pants. “Make sure my dick is still there.”
I laughed, my mood instantly lighter, and scooted forward on my hands and knees. Pushing his hand away, I grasped his fly and pulled down. “Poor, Billy,” I crooned. “Do you need me to make you feel like a man again?”
His hand slid through my hair. “I do, darling. Kiss it better.”
I smiled and ran the tip of my finger over his tented boxers.
He threw his head back. “If you don’t mind, I’m going to picture you in a nurse’s costume.” He groaned.
“I’m okay with that.” I dug into his shorts and found his hard length, stroking it up and down. I rubbed the smooth, crowned head with my thumb, wiping up a tiny bead of pre-cum. Withdrawing my hand, I licked my thumb clean.
“Oh, fuck, darling.”
I slid off the bed and knelt at his feet. My hands skirted up his jeans-clad thighs, all the way up, stopping at his waistband. I shoved down his boxers and jeans. And just as quickly, my hands were back on his cock, stroking and rubbing, squeezing at the base like my Navy SEAL showed me so many years ago. Billy shifted away, but just for a moment. He tugged off his shirt. I gazed up at his bare chest, at his rippling muscles and black-and-white tattoos. My god, this man. He took my breath away. Even though I was the one on my knees, I felt powerful. I did this to him. I made him hard, made him want me. I’ll never understand why, but now wasn’t the time for questions.
I took Billy into my mouth. First I teased, licking and sucking. Yum. His hands fisted my hair. At his rough touch, I let him slide all the way back until the head of his cock grazed the back of my throat. I swallowed and Billy grunted.
“Fuck.” His hands tightened in my hair. In response, my fingers dug into the back of his thighs, urging him to move, to thrust. I was so turned on. I squirmed in my kneeling position, bobbing my head. “Fuck, darling, you look so beautiful down there taking my cock,” Billy rasped. My eyes flickered up and met his. Oh god, he’d been watching me the whole time. Another thing I’d learned about Billy since our sexy times started: along with being a biter, he was kind of a voyeur. The third time he’d taken me he’d done so standing while I laid back and he watched as he slowly slid in and out of me.
Billy’s chest heaved. He ran his thumb along my lips. He groaned again and again. I let his cock fall from my mouth and licked him from root to tip. Then sucked him down again. His hips pumped faster. Again that powerful emotion swamped me. Billy was out of control. And I drove him to the brink.
“Darling,” he ground out and I knew, I knew just a little more and he’d go over the edge. “I’m going to come.” His cock jerked and his nostrils flared. His hands tightened in my hair, pulling and dancing on the edge of painful. He exploded into my mouth and I drank him down. In all my years, all my heated one-night stands with my Navy SEAL, it’d never been like this. And I knew it never would be. Billy was the only man who made me feel so wanton, so savagely desired.
“Fuck, flower,” Billy panted. I sat back on my heels and blinked up at him. Fingers grazed my cheek, such a tender touch. I smiled from ear to ear, feeling pride and other things, like deep affection and love. No, not love. I bit my lip, willing that pesky emotion into oblivion. “I’ve got to get to the arena for practice.”
“Oh,” I said, disappointment colored my tone. What about me? What about me? My nether region chanted.
“So you’re going to have to be quick,” said Billy. He snapped his fingers. “On the bed, on your back, darling.”
I hopped to, doing what my boss told me. I was an ever-so-good employee. Billy pulled up his jeans and boxers and when he went to put on his shirt, I blurted, “No, leave it off.”
He smiled, slow. “Why, flower. I feel so objectified.”
I shrugged a shoulder. “You pictured me in a nurse’s costume. I’m picturing you as a Navy SEAL.” I brought up Colin because I needed some reassurance. Childish, I know. Billy’s jealousy was the closest declaration I got to love.
Billy’s hands slid under my ass and squeezed.
“Ouch!” I squirmed.
“Don’t say shit like that to me, flower. It makes me want to punish you.”
Oh, at his whispered promise my sex squeezed tight. Yes please. Punish me. I’ve been bad. So bad. His hands tucked into the waistband of my leggings and with one swift motion, he whipped them off, along with my undies. I was totally bare from the waist down. On the bus, the room had been dim, grey from the outside weather. But this time all the lights were on. I’d made a big deal out of flipping on each one as I danced about the room. And the window curtains were open. We were on a top floor, so I didn’t worry anyone could see in. But the daylight was bright. I clenched my thighs together, too aware of my dimply flesh.
“Billy?” I was about to put a kibosh on the whole thing. Forget me. We can handle this business later. In the dark. Under the covers.
“Hmm?” Carefully he placed his hands on my knees and spread them. I grabbed a pillow and covered my hot face. “No hiding, darling. I want to see all of you.” The pillow was pried from my hands and tossed to the side. He laid between my thighs. My heart sped up and threatened to burst from my chest. “You’re so gorgeous.” He stared between my legs. I put a hand over my eyes. His hands ran up the inside of my thighs, leaving gooseflesh in their wake. He bent down, placing a kiss on each thigh. “This pussy is mine.” He flicked his tongue over my clit. Even though I knew it wasn’t possible, I swore sparks shot from my skin. I’d never felt so alive. So wanted. So adored. His strong hands cupped my ass. I was slick and needy, totally out of control. My hips bucked, seeing his tongue again. He withdrew and nipped the inside of my thighs, sucking and biting. I moaned. Damn man, leaving marks on my body like some kind of werewolf-caveman. My eyes ran the length down my body. Billy wasn’t the only voyeur. The sight of his blond head working between my legs was everything. He glanced up, a muscle ticking in his jaw, then he went to work, devouring me. His tongue lashed. His throat hummed. His fingers worked into my channel. The combination had me writhing. My knees bent, my head tilted back and I did that thing again, where I chanted nonsensical things. Please. Don’t stop. Right there. Right there. Right theerrreee. I came. Stars exploded behind my eyelids. My chest heaved.
“Fuck, I’m going to be late.” Billy loomed over me. His hands went to his fly, unbuttoning it. His cock sprang free and he was inside me. His tongue slipped inside my mouth, mimicking his rough thrusts. I came alive against him. My body wound tight and chased another release. Billy called to me, body and soul, and I answered, gripping his hips between my thighs. I couldn’t get him close enough. We clashed together, a hurricane of savage want and insatiable hunger. Together, we rode out the storm.
Morning and I was pouting.
“It’s only one night on the bus,” Billy said, sipping coffee.
I gazed at the hotel room. I hadn’t even gotten to know it yet. One night wasn’t enough for all the things I’d planned to do with it—showering in every bathroom at least twice, a couple of baths using those tiny bottles of French bath gel, a mini bar that needed raiding. The thought of climbing back on the bus and stuffing myself into a bunk and showering in the shoebox they called a bathroom did not appeal. I’d seen the good life, and I wanted to stay. Plus, I knew my period was coming, I could feel it, and changing a tampon in a moving vehicle sucked balls.
I forked eggs around my plate. Another thing about hotels, they had room service. Amazing room service brought by men in tuxedos. I’d pre-ordered our meal last night and this morning when it had arrived, I’d licked Billy’s bacon, just for old times’ sake. “Maybe Addy and I should just stay here until the tour ends,” I suggested, with little hope.
In the living room, Addy watched cartoons with headphones on. I’d made her wear them after I started hearing SpongeBob in my sleep. The girl had a serious obsession with the Bikini Bottom.
“No fucking way, flower. Where I go you go.” Sigh. Billy liked buses, I liked hotels; that was the real lynch pin in our relationship. That and I was pretty sure I was in love with him. But I decided to ignore the L word. Ignorance is bliss, whoever said that got it right.
“I know you’re super needy.” I said, concentrating on making the eggs on my plate into a frowny face. “It’s sad really.” I sniffed, casting another long, mournful gaze around the hotel room and snuggling deeper into my plush robe. “Would you be mad if I stole this robe from the hotel?”
“For fuck’s sake, flower, you’re overreacting. Stop being so maudlin.” I gave him a super-sad look. He chugged back the rest of his coffee. “You can keep the robe.” My lips twisted into a smile. “And we’ll get another hotel in Vegas.” My smile brightened. “My god, you’re cheap, you know that? You should’ve held out for something more. I was about to promise you a car.”
“I don’t want a car. I want a hotel room with a shower that can fit five people and a bathtub you can swim laps in.” My phone buzzed with an incoming call.
“That thing’s been going off all morning,” Billy griped.
“I’m sorry me managing your schedule bothers you.” Billy quirked a brow at me then smiled. I guess he kind of liked me sassy and pouty. “It’s probably Phil, he wants to change up the set list for Vegas.” There was also a small lighting issue that needed to be worked out, but I kept that tidbit from Billy. Sometimes the less he knew the better. He’d never notice anyway if one red light changed to blue.
As I predicted, Billy wasn’t happy about changing up the set list. His brow narrowed into a V. “I’m not changing the set list. Phil can eat shit. Jett and I worked on that for a week. It chronicles our ascent to greatness.” The concert featured Wanks and Janks’ greatest hits from the beginning to now. Phil wanted to do more of a mix of old and new stuff. I kind of agreed with him. Things were getting stale.
“You don’t have to decide right now. Just think about it.”
Billy made a grumpy sound. Great, this would affect his mood for the rest of the day. Thanks Phil. My phone buzzed again. Jeez, the guy was relentless. “Give me the phone, I’ll tell Phil to bugger off.”
I picked up the phone to do just that, but then I saw who was calling. Quickly, I put it down, screen facing the table. “It’s not Phil,” I said.
If possible, Billy’s frown descended even more. “Who is it?”
“No one.” I stood and pushed my plate away. “I’m going to go take a thirty-minute shower.” Idaho drought be damned. My phone buzzed. Billy cocked his head. His gaze jumped to the electronic device, still buzzing. Stop calling, I mentally commanded. The thing stopped vibrating, then started again.
“You hiding something from me, flower?”
My fingers twitched. I snatched the phone from the table and held it against my chest. I imagined I looked pretty cagey. I felt cagey.
Billy held out a hand. “Give me the phone, flower.”
One shake of my head and I was walking brusquely to the bathroom. The only room in the suite with a lock. I’d answer the phone in there. In privacy.
“Is it that fucking tutor?” Oh, he was right behind me. I quickened my steps. A few feet and Billy blocked me. We were in the bedroom. The one Billy had slept in last night alone. I’d insisted on separate beds since Addy was in the same suite. I stepped to the right. Billy followed. I darted left. Again, Billy followed, blocking my path to the bathroom.
“You’re acting like a child,” I said, my voice terse. “It’s not Joseph. And who it is, is none of your business.” My grip tightened around the phone as it buzzed again. For god’s sake, stop calling.
“We can do this the hard way or the easy way. Which will it be, flower?” He held still, big body looming over me. It really wasn’t that big of a deal who was calling. I should just tell him. But then again, I didn’t really care for Billy’s attitude right then. Just because we were sleeping together didn’t mean he had the right to know everything about my personal life.
“You’re being unreasonable,” I said.
“You’re the one keeping secrets from your man. Give me the phone, darling.”
Addy’s laughter bounced off the walls. She had no idea her father was being a threatening ass hat in the next room. “Okay, Billy.” I held the phone out. When he reached for it, I darted right, keeping the device locked safely in my hand.
Behind me, I heard him mutter, “I guess it’s the hard way then.”
My heart pounded, the bathroom door was inches away. Billy’s arm looped around my waist. My feet left the ground as I was hauled far from the bathroom door. Billy swung me up and dropped me on the bed. I bounced once and he was on top of me, caging me in with his arms and legs in much the same position as when we’d had sex on the bus. My pique turned to arousal, then back to anger. I wriggled and thrashed. The tie on my robe came undone, revealing my thin tank underneath. “You ready to give it up?” Billy asked.
“I don’t negotiate with terrorists,” I spat back.
“You’re so dramatic. I believe you missed your calling to be an actress.” A hand clamped around my wrist. With his other hand, Billy pried the phone from my fingertips. He scooted off me to stand at the edge of the bed. Dammit, I should’ve put a lock code on my phone. But snooping rock stars had never been a problem before. “Now let’s see what you’re trying to hide.” His tongue played behind his cheek as he thumbed through my missed calls. His forehead wrinkled and he tensed. “Who the fuck is Colonel William?”
I slid off the bed and re-tightened my robe. My father had been calling. Again, I don’t know why I felt like it was such a big deal. Probably my compartmentalizing issues. I didn’t want Billy to know about my father. About how much it hurt when he didn’t call, and how it hurt even more when he did. How could I explain it? I didn’t even understand it myself.
“Is he that Navy SEAL?” Billy asked, much affronted.
“There’s not a colonel ranking in the Navy,” I said, throat dry. I opened my mouth to ask for the phone to call my father back. But it was too late, Billy had hit redial. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. The volume was up loud enough I could hear the ringing. I grew desperate and leapt for the phone. Billy frowned and turned, holding one arm, hand splayed on my chest, he kept me at bay.
My father answered on the third ring. “Sweetheart?” his gruff, dry voice reached me. I pictured him in his office on base, starched uniform on, blinds closed—whenever I’d visit him I’d open them, let the light in.
“No,” Billy said with a distinct frown. I stopped struggling and just kind of stared at Billy. It was all I could do. Damn the man and his superior strength. “Who’s this?” he asked.
“Who’s this?” My father volleyed back. Billy may have met his match in the take-no-shit Colonel.
“This is Daisy’s sex toy.” Billy answered. What. The. Fuck. My eyes drew wide. Of course, my father knew I was a nanny for Billy Wanks. What he didn’t know was that I had sex, like ever.
“This is Daisy’s father. Put my daughter on the phone before I have the entire U.S. military deport your ass.”
“Right.” Billy nodded, pulling the receiver from his ear. “Flower, your father would like to speak to you.” I snatched the phone from Billy. “Sorry,” he mouthed with a grin.
I took a deep breath and answered, “Hi Dad.”
“Daisy who was that?” The Colonel’s tone was even, but I could tell he was pissed.
“It’s Billy, my boss, he was just joking around.” The words tumbled out of me in a rush.
I heard my father breath in deep. “Tell him he’s not funny.”
“Will do.”
“How are you?” he asked.
“I’m good.” A few seconds ticked by. This was how it always was between my father and me—awkward conversations full of stilted silences. Maybe that’s why I didn’t want Billy to overhear, to see firsthand my dysfunctional relationship with my father.
“You’re doing okay? You don’t need anything?” The Colonel always asked if I needed anything, perhaps an airstrike or personal bodyguard.
“All good,” I said lightly.
I could feel Billy’s heated, wondering gaze on me. I turned so I faced the window and looked out. The view was magnificent, a park with a blue river running through. I held up my middle finger, effectively flipping Billy off behind my back. It was the best I could manage without shouting for him to get out. Billy chuckled, then I felt his lips on my finger. His mouth opened, lapped the tip with his tongue then he bit down. I jumped and swirled around, staring him down. He put his hands up and stepped back.
“That’s good.” How many times had we said “good” in this conversation, in our lifetime? Everything was always good or fine or okay. “Listen, Sheila,” his secretary, “reminded me it’s your birthday in a couple days.”
My mouth formed an O. “Yeah?” I said carefully. Please don’t tell me you’re going to come visit. Please don’t.
“I have to go out of town tomorrow. And I won’t be able to call.” When I was a teen, the Colonel often went on strange deployments where he’d leave me alone for weeks at a time. If I had an emergency, I’d have to call his secretary, and she’d go through the channels to get ahold of him. I’d done this once when I was scared, I thought for sure someone was outside the house trying to break in. When my father called back, I heard gunshots in the background. I apologized and told him it was nothing. “So I’m calling you now to wish you a happy early birthday. I’ve got a gift for you, but I’m not sure where to send it.” Translation: Sheila bought a gift for you, and she needs to know where to send it.
I chewed on my thumb. “We’ll be in Vegas for a couple days. I can send you the information for the hotel.”
“Okay. Happy birthday, sweetheart,” he said.
“Thanks,” I said back. We exchanged a few more pleasantries before hanging up. He didn’t say I love you and I didn’t either. We disconnected and I rubbed my brow. Conversations with my father always left me exhausted, a little depressed.
“So that’s dad, huh?” Billy said.
“Yep.”
“You never really talk about him.”
“Nope.”
“Quit with the monosyllables, flower. I don’t like it.”
I glared at him. “Sorry,” I said. Ha, that was two syllables.
“He sounds like a pompous ass.”
“He’s not, he’s just busy. He has a really important job. The military, it’s not easy.” Fighting war, keeping the world safe and all that. Nothing like a nanny does.
He tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. “How’d you get a name like Daisy? Doesn’t seem a man like that would name his daughter after a flower. Seems like he’d name you something like Ingrid or Beatrix or Hatchet Face.”
I let out a dry laugh. This made Billy smile. “Hatchet Face?”
“You know what I mean, something harsh and rigid. You’re much too soft to be the daughter of a colonel.”
“What would you have named Addison?” Since Billy wasn’t around for Addy’s birth, I naturally assumed he didn’t have a say in naming her.
“I don’t know. I never thought of it really. Probably something ridiculous with too many vowels, like Penelope or Chrysanthemum.”
“Addy fits her,” I said.
“It does.”
My shoulders slumped. I gazed at my phone. “My mom was named Iris. She was kind of a hippie, a free spirit—they had the whole opposites attract thing going. I think maybe he loved her so much that when I was born, he didn’t have any love left over for me.”
“Ah, I’m sorry, flower. We men can be complicated creatures.” He shuffled his feet then opened his arms. “Come here.”
I glanced at the door. “Addy—”
“Is stuck in SpongeBob land. Come here, let me make you feel better.”
“You just sounded a little like a creepy uncle.” I crept closer. An inch away and Billy wrapped his big, muscled arms around me, squeezing me tightly to his body. I rested my cheek on his bare chest, on top of the “a” and “n” of his “Made in England” tattoo. His breath hitched, and his hand rubbed up and down my back. This was a new type of intimacy for us. I fell a little more, a little harder. I started to pull away but he held tight, chin on top of my head. “Not just yet, flower. We have to hug for at least thirty seconds, it releases endorphins.”
Good enough reason for me. I clung to him. He smelled amazing. Spicy cologne and his natural scent, I turned my cheek to get a better whiff. So good. I felt him harden against me. But he ignored it and didn’t try to cop a feel. Pity.
“What’s he sending to Vegas?” he asked.
I exhaled hard. “He wants to send my birthday gift there.”
His hands settled on my hips and he pushed so he could look down at my face. “Your birthday?”
“Yeah, it’s Friday.”
“And when were you planning on telling me this?”
“I don’t know. It’s not that big of deal.” The past two years, I’d had birthdays on the road with Billy; they’d come and gone with little fanfare, exactly how I liked it.
He shook his head and clucked his tongue. “This isn’t nearly as bad as your dalliance with the tutor, but it’s up there. I don’t like you keeping things from me.”
“It’s not that big of a deal,” I repeated.
“Maybe that’s because no one has ever made it a big deal.”
I wiggled my toes into the carpet. “Can we just be done talking about this? I want to take an epically long shower before getting back on the bus.”
“Want me to join you?” he asked, a note of hope in his voice. “I’m very good with soap.”
Heat pooled at my core. Sweet Billy had left the building, and in his place stood sexy Billy. I didn’t know which one I preferred.
“No,” I said sadly. “This is a one-person job today.”
“Addy’s a big girl, she can handle seeing me with someone.” Not true. Not true at all. Children were fragile creatures. Addy needed stability.
I kissed the middle of his bare chest. “I’m going to shower. Alone.”
Billy huffed. Too bad. Despite the hug, some of my melancholy had hung around. I needed the shower and some time by myself to transition back to happy Daisy. Wash off all that bad. I dragged my feet all the way to my room. At the threshold I paused, seeing Billy opening the door of the suite. He’d donned a shirt and was stuffing his wallet into his back pocket, muscles straining under his thin shirt. Damn, he was so fine.
“Where are you going?” I called out.
“I’m taking a fucking therapeutic walk.” He slammed the door. The edge of my mouth curled up. Billy’s bad mood had an opposite effect on mine. Suddenly everything felt a little better, a little brighter. It was going to be a good day, despite my father’s call, and the long bus ride, and stinky Turner.