I slept for a few hours. When I woke nothing felt better. My spirit was still crushed, my heart still broken. But I didn’t cry. It was as if my brain had decided we’d shed enough tears. Any more weeping and I might self-destruct. I texted Jett for an update on Addy. He replied she was doing fine, Billy hadn’t left her side since I’d gone.
Afternoon light filled my room. I gazed at the closet. My suitcase was inside. When we’d arrived I’d unpacked everything into drawers. When had I started to do that? The first year, I’d lived out of my bags. Then I’d gotten comfortable. Thought I’d be staying for the long term. My birthday gifts littered the dresser. Looking at them made me feel sick, so I turned my cheek. At the hospital I’d forgotten it was my birthday. I was twenty-six now and in love with a thirty-year-old rocker. And what did I have to show for it? Not much. Not much at all. The nannying gig was supposed to be temporary. I’d sacrificed my wants and desires for Billy and Addy’s. Because the desire to be near them was greater than my desire to teach. I loved them with the ferocity of a thousand suns. The problem with loving people like that was they couldn’t ever possibly love you the same. It was time I loved myself more, time for me to leave. While I packed, I grieved for Addy. Hopefully in time she would understand.
The suite door opened and closed. Footsteps padded down the hall. Billy leaned against the doorjamb. Dark circles hung under his eyes. “Hey,” he said.
“Hi.” I kept folding my clothes, kept my eyes averted. “How’s Addy?”
“Trent and Jett are with her. I just came to pick up her pillowcase.” Addy’s blankie. “Turner said he would get it but I didn’t trust him not to get shit all over it.”
I managed a smile. A very, very tiny one.
“I’ve been calling but you haven’t picked up. I was worried.”
I pursed my lips. “I turned my phone off while I was sleeping. I guess I forgot to turn the ringer back on.”
“I also came to see if you’re all right.”
What a complicated question. “I’m fine,” I said. If fine meant broken hearted and numb and cold all over.
Billy swore. He stepped into the room. “You don’t seem fine. You seem pissed.” How very astute of him. I said nothing. “I didn’t sleep with her.”
“Her?”
“That nurse. I didn’t fuck her.”
“Oh.”
“Oh? That’s all you got to say?”
I stared at him, incredulous. “Do you expect me to say thank you for not fucking her?”
He grinned. “I guess not. I just wanted you to know that I didn’t, that our deal is still on.” A deal. I had a relationship and Billy had a deal.
He ran a hand through his hair. His gaze settled on my open suitcase. Little frown lines appeared in his forehead. “You’re packing. I’ve canceled the next three shows. We’re going to stay here until Addy is up and running again.” So he thought I was prepping for the next jump.
“I’m leaving, Billy.”
He sucked in a breath, thought about it for a second and nodded. “Okay. That’s good. You going to visit the Colonel or something?”
Why was he drawing this out? He couldn’t be that obtuse. “I am going home but not for a visit. There are a couple job opportunities on base my father can help me pursue. I’m going back to teaching.” I had to face the facts. I was a fill-in. A substitute mother for Addy, an occasional lover to Billy. None of this had any permanence. In order to stay in their lives I’d made myself pliable. Time to grow a backbone.
“Are you fucking serious?” His face hardened into fury.
“I’ve contacted the service that connected me with you and let your managers know. A new candidate should be here by tomorrow. I think you can handle everything until then.”
“What about Addy? She’s in the hospital, in case you forgot,” he snarled.
Wow, low blow. Way to hit a girl where it hurts. “She can call me any time she wants, any time day or night, I’ll pick up.”
He snorted and crossed his arms. “So you’re abandoning us then?”
You can’t abandon something you never had. “I’m doing what I need to do. For years, I’ve made you and Addy the center of my life.” It was as Billy had drawn that Thanksgiving night. The Venn diagram come to life. I’m your universe you just don’t know it yet, he’d said. “It’s not your fault. You and Addy didn’t do anything wrong.” Billy had made his limitations clear from the beginning. And Addy was just a kid. The emotional abandonment by my father made me needy. Made me do things for people I wouldn’t normally do. Made me give and give even at the expense of myself. Made it so I wore my heart on my sleeve, my bleeding, soft heart. Now wonder it was so easy for Billy to snatch it up. I’d been holding it right under his nose.
Billy’s hands curled into white-knuckled fists at his sides. “You’re still tired. You’re not thinking clearly. I’ve heard of this, you’ve suffered some traumatic experience or shit with Addy going to the hospital. You just need a few more hours of sleep.”
I sighed and kept folding T-shirts. The clothing was snatched out of my hands. “Stop fucking packing.” He grabbed handfuls of clothes from my suitcase and dropped them on the bed.
“Don’t,” I hissed, fisting the crumpled clothes and stuffing them back into the suitcase. “I’m not traumatized. I don’t need more sleep. I’m leaving. I don’t even know what I’m doing here anymore.”
He scoffed at that. “You’re Addy’s nanny.”
“What happens when she doesn’t need a nanny anymore?” In a few years Addy would be a teen. She would begrudge a nanny following her around all day. So uncool.
His mouth screwed down into a frown. “I don’t know. Why the fuck are we talking about this?”
I shook my head, sorry I’d started down this line of conversation. I might as well see it through. “There’s no security for me here. No commitment. I need to look after myself, my career.”
“No commitment? Are you talking about us? That shit you said the other night?” Shit being my declaration of love. “You want a fucking commitment from me, is that it? Fine, we’re fucking boyfriend and girlfriend. You’ve got to label everything. Now put your shit away and come with me to the hospital.”
I looked down at my suitcase, gathered my thoughts, stilled my trembling hands. “I deserve more than a promise squeezed out of you because you’re pissed and afraid I’m going to leave.” A deep breath. My eyes connected with his furious greens. “I told you I loved you. Do you feel the same?” Hello heart? There you are in my palm, an offering one last time to Billy.
He jerked his head, the muscle in his jaw went pop. “I get you hotel rooms with big bathrooms and sweaters and phones. Whatever you’ve ever asked for I’ve done.” Except love me. “But you want more? Fine. I’ll double your salary.” He nodded like it was all settled.
All at once everything crystallized and made sense. Oh man, I hadn’t considered this. Billy had said his parents wanted money. Was Billy’s lavish spending a way to keep people in his life? The answer was obvious. Yes. Billy equated love with gifts. So screwed up. So sad. The realization was almost, almost enough for me to unpack. “Do you know why I loved all those things?” I hugged a camisole to my chest. “Because it showed you were listening to me. It wasn’t because they cost so much. I would’ve been happy watching bootlegged reruns of the game show and eating a bag of pretzels from 7-11.” I lowered my voice. “I’m not your parents Billy. Take away the money, the fame and I’d still want to be here with you.”
“Yet you’re leaving,” he said, downright mean.
I shrugged. “Some things money can’t buy. I told you I loved you. I ask you again, do you love me?”
“You know I care about you.”
I tucked my heart back away. It was wounded but still beating. “You care about your vintage shirts but you could live without them. Love is entirely different. I used to think it was about sacrifice but it’s not. It’s about respect and compromise and both parties being happy.”
He wouldn’t look at me. “If I could love someone it would be you.”
Well that was something, but it wasn’t enough. I finished tucking my clothes back into my suitcase. “I want kids someday, Billy.” He flinched like I’d sucker punched him. “Not now, not tomorrow, but someday.”
He paced in front of me. “I told you I wasn’t the kind of man to build white picket fences.”
“I know.” I gave him a watery smile. “It’s something I love about you the most. You’re a free spirit. I don’t want to live in the burbs or have a nuclear family. But I do want a baby someday, and a man who loves me to distraction. I deserve that.” I wouldn’t settle for less. At least, not anymore. Doormat Daisy was officially dead.
I zipped up my suitcase and checked my phone. “My flight leaves in a few hours. I need to head to the airport. I’ll call Addy tomorrow and check in. I’ll explain everything to her. You don’t have to. I’ve left all the birthday gifts you gave me yesterday. I think you’ll be able to return most of them. Except for the pendant, I’d like to keep that one if you don’t mind. I’ll pay you for it, if you just send me the bill.” I lugged my suitcase off the bed. My whole life was tucked inside there.
I put my head down and pulling the suitcase behind me, passed Billy. Our shoulders brushed, our last touch.
“Don’t think I’m going to chase after you,” he warned, voice low and furious.
“Okay.” I continued my walk.
“You fucking leave and that’s it, you’re dead to me.”
“I understand.”
“And you can forget about talking to Addy tomorrow. I’ll tell her myself.”
“That’s your choice.” I kept going. Behind me a door slammed. Objects hit the wall. Billy was breaking things. He’d have a hell of hotel bill. Not that he cared. My shoulders slumped. I didn’t have any fight left in me. If Billy Wanks wanted this relationship he’d have to fight this time. Secretly I hoped he would. But I knew he wouldn’t. It wasn’t in his nature. He was a scorpion and I was frog. All I’d ever get out of him was a free ride and a vicious sting.