25
Obsession
Life became bearable for Lucas as the weeks progressed. Yes he was lonely but the occasional companion filling his night helped to ease this a little.
His quest for vengeance for his parents faded and he closed the door on the case once and for all when he ran his copy of the file through the shredder. The others went into the cold case drawer.
His parent’s killers had never been caught and although there had been a few similar murders in the last twelve years, no-one had ever been brought to justice. Lucas accepted now they probably never will. He reflected instead over all the criminals – murderers – he had attributed to arresting during his time as a detective and discovered helping others find retribution had actually dulled the pain.
The nightmares had ceased and his existence was tolerable. His decision to remain alone continued and although happiness was beyond his grasp, he felt content with his choice. Work was his life and it gave him satisfaction. It was enough.
After his night with Sasha, his one place to find fulfilment – work - became somewhat awkward. As he spent long hours at the precinct running in to her became commonplace but Lucas suspected – due to her early arrival for shift – she aimed to bump into him. Following their night together, he taken her home the following morning offering no promises and she’d said she understood. For the first week he hadn’t seen her at work and life went on as normal. By the second week, every second day, she ‘turned up’ near his desk or at his car as he was leaving. He made polite conversation and excused himself.
Four months had passed and although he was tempted by her obvious attempts at another night together, he didn’t cave. She was beautiful and seemed sweet but he didn’t get involved. She knew this but it didn’t seem to matter. Her persistence was intensifying and he ran into her more and more. He now avoided ‘In Blue’ entirely as she had been there on the two occasions he visited and then left with a willing girl. He had felt her eyes on him, watching his every move until he left with his conquest. Guilt festered within him and after seeing her at ‘In Blue’ he decided to cease this activity as well. There was little to stave off the loneliness now. Work continued to be his life – aside from his family. He spent the Saturdays he had off with Mabel and Tommy, giving his sister and Nathan some much needed time together. Their innocence and joy lifted his spirits.
Sitting at his desk thinking about the past months and Sasha, he pondered over what he should do. He didn’t want to encourage her but his solitary life was making it harder to refuse. How long could he resist the need to feel soft skin beneath his hands and warm lips against his? Could he continue to have these hollow, empty encounters and be able to look at himself in the mirror and not feel shame, guilt? He loved women, how they felt, how they smelt, their softness and the point where they let their inhibitions go but he simply didn’t want to fall in love and feel loss. Better to keep a guarded distance. The only way to survive in this world was to close off his heart, suppress his remorse and continue to fill his nights with faces he would forget. They all knew what he wanted, he was honest, but occasionally they wanted more. Sasha was one of them. Her obsession was unnerving.
Dammit! He loved women too much to give them up. Glancing at the time, he decided to test his resolve, bring forth his indifferent attitude and find solace in the arms of a beautiful woman. Being Friday night and not having to work the following day, he thought it the best opportunity to see if he could resume the lifestyle without the baggage. As he strode through the double doors which led out of his section and into the hall a hand grabbed his arm. He turned to find the girl who was causing his angst.
“Guess what?” she asked sounding excited.
“What?”
“I’m finally on day shift.”
“That’s great.”
“What are you doing now?”
“Um, going to grab some dinner and go home I guess.”
“I’m finished too. Do you want to have dinner with me?”
Lucas studied her for a moment. Her cheeks were flushed and her blue-green eyes sparkled with desire, while her small mouth offered a seductive smile. The thought of her sexy little pant was his undoing. His groin tightened and he internally cursed his traitorous lust.
“Sure, there’s an Italian restaurant around the corner—” Her mouth was on his cutting off his words and her tongue probing his sent rational thoughts from his mind.
Giving in to desire, he drew her into his arms and buried his hands in hair, while her aroma intoxicated his senses. Her hands started in his hair, then moved to his shoulders and then worked their way down to probe at his pants.
“Wait,” he said dragging his mouth from hers. “Not here.”
“My house?”
“I’ll follow you.”
Her apartment was close to the station and it was a short drive. Lucas contemplated the wisdom of the decision but his lust overpowered his reason as always. All he could see was milky skin. All he wanted to do was satisfy his lust.
He pulled up behind her car in the rear of the building and followed her to a door on the first floor. Her apartment, though small, was decorated with modern furniture which gave her home a cosy ambiance. It felt warmer than his place.
“Would you like a drink? Or I could make you some dinner.”
“No, um, thanks.”
Suddenly he felt awkward, he shouldn’t be here. He didn’t want to have dinner with her. He wanted to get her naked. If he didn’t soon, he was going to bolt. As though sensing it, she pounced on him again.
Before he became aware of what was happening he was naked and on the floor. She took control and he let her. It was quick and satisfying but had none of the same passion or intensity of their last encounter. Instead of feeling euphoric or relaxed he felt emptiness and shame. He shouldn’t be here, his compassion tore through him.
Lucas eased her from him, stood up and began to dress. This situation needed to be resolved and fast. Avoiding her was the only solution. Now came the hard part.
“I, um, have to go,” he told her.
She stood up and gazed at him with a hurt and puzzled expression. Damn my foolishness.
“Why?” She asked looking forlorn. His heart lurched. “I thought I could make you dinner, maybe you would like to stay.”
“Sasha … I …”
Tears filled her eyes as she dressed. “Why did you come here?”
“I think you know the answer to that.”
“Why would you use me like that?”
“Sasha, you’ve been asking me for this for weeks.”
“I didn’t want you to come in here and fuck me then leave. I like you, I want more.” Her face, already pink from satisfaction, became a darker pink in anger.
“I told you that first night, I don’t want that.”
“Then why are you here?”
“It was a mistake, I’m sorry. I think I should go.”
The slap across his face took him by surprise. He deserved it. His behaviour was despicable. He took in her hurt face for a moment and internally kicked himself before turning and leaving.
At home, beer in hand, he sat out on his small patio overlooking the high rises surrounding his building, raked with regret. Why did everything have to be so complicated? Why couldn’t he enjoy women without having to feel? This was why he didn’t get attached, too many people got hurt. He pushed every feeling, every emotion down deep inside and aimed to keep them there. Cold indifference and an empty bed was the only way.