CHAPTER 5
CHRIS
They walked out of the restaurant. Out of my fucking restaurant. I kept quiet at the bar, drank my third bourbon trying to calm my brain. But more than my brain, I needed to calm my beating heart. Even though my brain said not to think about her, my heart couldn’t stop beating too fast and there was that spark, that goddamn spark that I feel only when I’m close to her. It’s like my soul keeps searching for her and no matter what I do in my life, I’m always subconsciously searching for her. I tried everything. I tried not to think about her, I tried fucking other women until I was able to erase her image from my head, but still, there was this stinging feeling in my chest, this physical pain of missing her.
I was an asshole before her. In my defense, I was young. Eighteen years old, and already I’d seen shit people go through in their worst nightmares. I didn’t care about anyone, but for her, I was ready to move the mountains. I still am. But I’ll never admit it. I never told anyone what happened and how much I’ve loved her. It’s my burden to carry.
“You okay?” Lesley taps my shoulder comfortingly.
“I’m good. The night is almost over. How did we do?”
Lesley is more on the floor than I am during the night. I’m in charge of what happens behind the scenes. After Hailey left, I couldn’t keep focused on anything. I spent most of my night obsessing about her and how it’s even possible that we were in the same place after so many years.
“I’ve never seen you like this. You’ve spent most of the evening drinking at the bar. Ever since this man and his wife…”
“Fiancée,” I respond.
“What?” Lesley asks.
“His fiancée. You said his wife. She’s his fiancée. They’re not married yet.”
“Okay. My point was, you’ve been weird ever since they’ve left. What’s going on? Did he say something to you?”
“Nothing’s going on. Give me some space Les, I’ll be fine.”
I could tell she was offended that I asked for space, considering we’ve been fucking each other basically every day since we arrived in New York. I’m being an asshole, but more than anything I need my space now.
After another hour or so, we wrap up for the night and each one of us goes our separate ways. Les doesn’t ask anything else and respects my wish for some privacy. I go home to my apartment and sit for hours on my bed, staring at the white walls. I just stare and constantly rewind the events of tonight. I stare at images of her in my head and analyse every line of her face that seems new and unknown. She’s even more beautiful than the images in my head and seeing her makes me miss her so much that it hurts.
Then again, everything about our love has hurt and it still does. I know I have to call Jack and tell him Jacob has a business proposal and I know he’s going to say I’ll have to meet with him and then get back to him with all the details. We’ve never agreed to any of the business proposal that we’ve had; Jack never trusted anyone. I don’t want to work with Jacob, but he seems genuine and if his proposal is good, I’ll have to be honest about it.
I do what I need to do and make the phone call. Just as expected, Jack agrees that I should meet with him, but this time he’s more eager to spread around the country. Jacob has perfect timing. I better sharpen my fucking nerves.
***
It’s six in the morning and I’ve been running around the city like my life depends on it. This isn’t a workout. This is a pathetic attempt to calm my nerves, to remove the pain, except the pain won’t subside and the only way to hold off the emotional pain in my chest is to welcome a physical one. Sweat is dripping of my face and I can barely breathe. My body aches. I lie and tell myself it’s from running, although deep down I know it’s my reaction to her—it always has been.
It’s been two weeks since I saw her. Jacob or I had no time to meet yet which should have helped to calm this situation down. I keep asking myself when she’ll get married. Should I look for her, talk to her? What’s the point? I wasn’t good for her back then and I don’t think I am now. I lied to her after I promised so many times I wouldn’t. I ended up in jail and crushed her dreams of us moving to New York together. Now she’s here, engaged to someone else. I asked for this. I came to New York knowing she would probably be here. Now after so many years of moving forward, I feel like I’m back in that prison cell, and all I’m seeing is her face as a salvation.
Lesley’s been good to me. She can sense there’s something personal I’m going through and we’re keeping it to just being friends. I can’t even imagine myself fucking anyone, that’s how fucked up I am. I’m falling apart but I’m still trying to keep it together. Work helps. I’ve been working long hours every day, working harder than ever.
As my day at the restaurant today has been quiet so far, I close the back office doors and start browsing the internet. After only a few seconds, I manage to find a gallery that looks like it may belong to Hailey. I write down the address and decide it’s time to act on my insanity.
“Les, I have to step out of the office. I won’t be too long, call me if you need me.”
“I think we can manage without you for a few hours,” she winks.
God, I’m grateful to be working with her. She never gives me a hard time and isn’t depending on me as much as she could be.
I jump into my car and sit there for a few minutes. Do I really want to do this? Am I going to visit her gallery?
I am. Fuck it. I sense a pinch of my old self, the one that did whatever he wanted and was always so comfortable with it. I swear she’s the only woman I overthink things for. She’s the only one I try not to hurt but manage to do it anyways. I know this might not be the best thing to do for her, but I need to do this for myself.
I drive down to Manhattan and park around the corner from the gallery, and then sit in my car for another few minutes, staring at the busy streets of New York. Finally, I make my move and get out of the car. I can see the reception desk and a girl sitting at it, talking on the phone. So far, no signs of Hailey. Weirdly, I feel relieved.
When I walk in, the receptionist cuts her phone call short. “I will talk to you later. Bye bye.”
“Welcome sir!” Her greeting is overly enthusiastic as I continue to walk in towards the room with all the photos.
“Is the owner in today?”
“She’s not here yet, but she should be in soon.”
“Do you mind if I look around?”
“Not at all. Let me know if you need anything.”
I keep walking and stop at certain photographs that amaze me. They have Hailey written all over them. Her style has evolved over the years and I feel astonishingly proud of her. As I keep walking, shock takes over my body. There is a black and white photograph of me.
I remember the night it was taken as if it was yesterday. Hailey’s insane idea to take photos of me as part of her project, in the time when we were just friends and were only getting to know each other. She never showed me any of those but I think that was the moment I admitted to myself that I wouldn’t be able to stay away from her. And that whatever she asked, I would do for her.
I stare at the photo probably for too long and the nosy receptionist walks over.
“That’s one of the most popular ones. There’s no price set for it, even though clients keep proposing prices. But Hailey won’t sell it.”
“Why not?” I ask.
“I don’t know. I guess she’s not happy with the propositions.”
I keep looking at the photograph and she does the same.
“Oh my God!” She squeaks like a little child and it annoys the shit out of me. “You’re the guy in the picture!”
Shit. My face isn’t completely visible because I’m looking down, so it’s really hard to say it’s me. I decide to lie for Hailey’s sake.
“Sorry to disappoint you, this isn’t me.”
“I could’ve sworn it’s you. Hailey wouldn’t tell me the story behind it.” Luckily, just then, the phone rings and she walks away, leaving me alone.
Why’s the picture here? Why is she keeping it? Why wouldn’t she sell it?
CHAPTER 6
HAILEY
After I’ve finished all of my errands, I finally arrive at the gallery. Rachel greets me, overly excited as always. I don’t think anything of it until she says: “Hailey, we have a guest. He’s been staring at one of the pieces for 20 minutes now. I tried talking to him but he seemed annoyed when I did. I think he prefers to be left alone, but you should talk to him.”
“Okay let me see if I can help him.”
I’m not really looking forward to a grumpy old man, but I need more clients. Even if I don’t always feel like talking to them, part of my job is boosting sales and engaging with customers as much as I can.
“Just a heads up, he’s really handsome. Like super hot.”
Okay, maybe he’s not an old man after all. I laugh at how ridiculous she’s being. I’ve never seen her so heated around a guy. Perhaps this guy would be the perfect date for her. She needs to start seeing someone so she can stop flirting with the rest of my clients.
I walk into the first large room but see no one. It’s when I walk into the second room that I notice a familiar face. The echo of my folders hitting the ground in shock fills the room. He turns around and looks at me and rather than picking my folders up from the floor, I just stare at him, completely helpless.
He’s wearing blue pants, his white shirt is perfectly tucked in, and the sleeves are pulled up, showing off his muscles decorated with tattoos. Oh, and his hair, that dark, messy hair that I desperately want to touch. It gives him an edgy look, a reminder of his real nature. I leave the folders and walk over to him, eager to find out why he’s in my gallery.
Before I can say anything, he fires a first shot. “Why didn’t you sell it? I heard you had a chance. Several chances, in fact.”
Shocked by his question, I look at the photograph of him, trying to think of the best way to answer his question. Why didn’t I sell it? Because I love it so much? Because I was never good at letting things go?
“No one proposed an acceptable price. Why are you here?”
He’s quiet for a few seconds, but completely still. “I wanted to talk.”
“Let’s go into my office.”
I lead the way and yell to Rachel we’ll be in the office, praying to God she won’t ask to many questions once he’s gone. I sit behind my desk and prompt him to sit on the other side. I can’t be too close to him—the heat overwhelming me is already too much. His scent has already filled my tiny office and I feel the need to hug him and bury my face in his neck, just to feel him again. As if I need to make sure he’s truly here.
“Would you like to buy it?” I ask, pretending he’s another client I’m talking to.
“No.”
“I don’t know what to say then. Why are you here?”
“I don’t know Hailey. The way we left things, and the fact we’re back in each other’s lives…”
“We aren’t really, Chris. We saw each other once, that’s it. We don’t have to talk it over; in fact, we don’t even have to see each other again.”
Keep it cold Hailey, that’s my tactic. I may want to rip his clothes off and he might have taken my breath away with his presence, but that doesn’t mean he’s been forgiven for all the things he did to me.
CHRIS
She’s being a cold bitch and I’m not surprised by her behaviour. She was always feisty, especially when she felt threatened. It’s more than obvious now that she’s still angry about some of the things from the past. I find it funny, considering I’m pissed off just as much. She gave up on us, gave up on me. Not one fucking letter answered. Even when I wrote to her to tell her I almost died, not even an, “I’m sorry Chris.” I think it’s time some questions are answered. I’d guess we both need it.
“I almost died. Not even that was enough for you to answer any of my letters. Are you really that cold?”
The shock on her face tells me everything, and I’m not sorry. I’ve fucking loved her every minute of the day since I’ve met her. I think I deserved at least something after things went to shit. Not even a “fuck off” from her. Not even a real break up, silence was all I got.
“You lied. You lied to me for months. After you’d promised everything would be okay and you would quit doing what you were doing.”
“I was going to quit, and you fucking know it. You knew I couldn’t just stop selling drugs for William. He would’ve fucking killed me.”
“But Chris, I begged you to be honest with me and you lied about the most important thing in my life—my family.”
“I’ve been apologizing for months, explaining myself. I almost fucking died, Hailey! You promised things too, but you just gave up. You gave up and left without even saying goodbye!” My tone is rising, but I can’t stop. Accusations are flying out of my mouth and I realize I wasn’t even aware of all of the things I’ve been holding against her.
“This is ridiculous! Why are we talking about this? It’s been years since it all happened, and I’ve moved on. I opened another chapter in my life. That one is closed,” she says bitterly, now standing up and leaning against her desk as if she wants to be superior. I get up too, wanting her to hear me loud and clear.
“Hailey, pretending some things never happened doesn’t mean they’re not there. Doesn’t mean they didn’t change me and you both.”
“I’ve been pretending those things never happened and as you can see, that’s been working out great for me.”
The words sting right through my heart. Consumed by anger, I move closer to her, now inches from her face. I can feel her tense and I’m not sure I’ll be able to restrain myself from touching her. I’m so fucking angry at her, yet I need to be close to her.
“Don’t fucking lie to me,” I say.
“God, you’re the same cocky teenager that you were back then. You don’t know me anymore, Chris!” She hisses back and her pretending that we’re just two strangers pisses me off even more.
Before I can think about what I’m doing, I grab her hips and sit her down at the edge of her desk. With slow movements, I pull her skirt up as lightly as I can, enjoying the torture on her face. She quietly groans in the back of her throat, suppressing the air, trying not to say anything. She doesn’t want me to stop, she wants me to touch her. I know this makes no fucking sense and it’s completely wrong, yet, my brain has shut down, and my body has taken control.
I position myself between her legs, sensing she can feel my hard dick pressing between her legs. I bury my head in her neck and peck it gently, barely touching her. She gasps for air as if she’ll pass out. Her fingers violently comb my hair, something she did since we first started dating.
God, I want to fuck her. The need and anger are blurring my mind and I’m barely able to restrain myself. I look her in the eyes and gaze down to her mouth. I need to fuck her, be inside her, I want her to scream my name. She’s still. Looking at me with lust in her eyes, but before we both step over the boundary, I move away from her.
“I’m not the same teenage boy and you’re not the same either. Just don’t fucking lie to my face and pretend everything that happened didn’t mean a thing. And sell the goddamn photograph.”
I storm out of the office angrier that I’ve been in the last six years, and not sure why anymore.
HAILEY
I sit still at the edge of my desk, unable to explain myself. If he had made the move, I would’ve given him everything. I have no control over myself when it comes to this man. How is this possible? He’s such an asshole, testing my limits, touching me the way he touched me. What is wrong with me? I love Jacob, I would never give him up. The past needs to stay in the past.
I decide it’s best to pretend this didn’t happen and to move on with my life. The things he said haunt me. I can’t forgive him, but he can’t seem to forgive me either. At this point, I’m not even sure who’s to blame for everything that happened. I haven’t spoken to my father again after Chris ended up in jail, and I have Chris to blame for that.
I brush off the thoughts of the painful past and continue with my day, successfully pretending everything is okay. But the fast beat of my heart doesn’t lie, and I find it hard to restrain it.
These past few weeks have been dreadful. To constantly hide my past from Jacob hasn’t been fair to either one of us. It’s not that I think he wouldn’t understand, I just don’t have the energy to rewind everything and explain the sad story of my teenage years. I told him once I’m not very close to my parents. He accepted it and never pushed me to explain this further. I told him Ellie is the closest to family I’ve got, and we’ve left it at that.
The truth is, I don’t think anyone can truly understand how important and heart-breaking everything that happened to us was, how important we were to each other. It wasn’t just teenage love—he had nobody, and I was his light. I was so naïve at the time that I believed everything would be okay; I believed I could change him, even though he had hurt me multiple times already. At the end, he betrayed me in a way I never thought was possible.
Sure, I knew he almost got killed in prison. I worried about him for months, but I wasn’t sure I could forgive him for all the months he fed me lies. It took a lot of strength not to reach out and to move on with my life. I’m still not sure I could forgive him now because he hid the truth about my father.
I was always stubborn and I’ve always had a clear view of what is right and what is wrong. The thing is, I was never quite sure if I believed Chris was a good guy or a bad guy. Somewhere in all the drama, I believed he was both at times. He really tried to be good, but sometimes his dark patterns and demons overruled him, until eventually it was at both of our expenses.
I decide to end the day early and stop to get a bottle of red wine on my way home. Once again, I tell Jacob I’m feeling under the weather. I decided to keep today’s events away from Ellie. I need to sit in silence, be by myself, and work this out in my head. And maybe, by the end of the evening, I’ll be able to admit to myself that I still feel something for the one man I once thought was the most important person in my life. Maybe it’s just the physical attraction. God, I hope it is.