Jesse led the way, but Jane rode right behind us and to the right where I could easily see her from over my shoulder. I tried to concentrate on her rather than the fact that my arms are wrapped around a torso of solid muscle. Try as I might to ignore it, I could feel Jesse's body through the layers of clothing, and it did nothing but make me more smitten.
The thing was, I couldn't let go. As long as I was on the back of the motorcycle, I was stuck touching him, and touching him felt way too good.
For months, I had seen the worst of Barrett, and it felt so good to feel good.
I felt free.
Being on a motorcycle helped.
I closed my eyes, and could see myself like a bird, flying through the air as the wind just rolled and whipped over me. I was lost in the moment when Jesse slowed. I opened my eyes to see that Jane had gone out front and was leading us to a gas station. Jesse pulled up beside her, parking the bike and killing the engine.
Jane smiled at us as she took off her helmet. "I should have used the restroom before we left," she said. "Can you watch it?" she asked gesturing with a flick of her chin toward the bike.
Jesse gave her a little wave, agreeing to guard it, and she smiled at him before looking at me. "Do you need to come in?"
"I don't need to use the restroom or anything, but I'll come in with you if you want."
She shook her head and stuck a hand out. "I'll be right back," she said. "Just watch my new baby."
As much as I wanted to sit there right next to Jesse on the seat, I knew I needed to create a little distance. I stood up, positioning myself next to him while he stayed sitting on the bike. He had already taken off his helmet, so I did the same, holding it with both hands in front of me.
"How have you been?" I asked since it was our first time alone in two months.
His mouth raised in a slow grin. "Fine."
"I heard you were building a house."
"Not yet," he said. "I plan to eventually, but right now I'm just buying the property."
"I heard you got yourself enough land for a little farm."
He smiled. "I don't know about that. It's three acres. It's not too far from Mom and Dad's place. I'll probably stay in the apartment and take my time building. I think I can do a lot of it myself. Dad and some of the guys at the shop will help, too."
I glanced into the store and saw that Jane had stopped to buy something. I looked at Jesse, feeling desperate to know more about him. "Are you dating anyone?" I asked. I was so nervous and awkward with my delivery of the question that he gave me an amused smile, which made me push at his shoulder.
"No, I'm not dating anyone," he said, still smiling. "You, Rose, are the one who's dating someone. I heard you were pretty serious."
"You heard me tell everyone I wish I knew how break up with him."
"I'll tell you how you break up with him," he said. "You call him, and you say, 'I want to break up'. That's how you do it." He gestured to the pay phone that was attached to the far side of the building. "There's a phone right there. All you have to do is call and say those words."
"I'm so glad you think it's that easy." I said.
Jesse wore a thoughtful expression as he looked at me, and before I knew it, he reached out, letting his fingertips brush the edge of my face. I wanted to fall into his arms, but just as quickly as he touched me, he took his fingers away. I touched my own cheek in the place where his fingers had been, feeling amazed by how much I missed his touch after only feeling it for a second.
"It is that easy," he said.
I glanced at the payphone, feeling crazy that I was even thinking about doing something so insane as to call Barrett and break up with him from a payphone. As I glanced in the direction of the phone, I saw Jane coming out of the convenience store. I looked at Jesse with a serious expression that said I was sorry we couldn’t continue our conversation, and he just shrugged at me like he didn't see why I was upset.
"Jesse," I said.
"Rose."
"Are you serious?"
He smiled. "Yes. But if you can't do it… if you wanna stay with that guy… I'll just have to accept the rejection."
My heart fell. It felt like a piece of my chest had fallen and landed at the bottom of my gut. Jesse, the man I wanted so badly, was staring at me and saying words I had wanted to hear him say. I felt nauseous and woozy that he was bold enough to ask me to do such a thing, and terrified that I was actually thinking about it. My mind was still swimming when Jane walked up to us wearing a huge grin.
"Thank you for stopping," she said, holding out a bag of Peanut M&M's to offer them to us.
Jesse and I both politely refused without saying anything, and Jane put a handful of them in her mouth before folding up the bag and stashing them in her pocket.
"I'm ready when you are," she said.
My heart pounded. I had the distinct feeling that Jesse wanted to be with me. Somewhere deep in my heart I knew I needed to put away my doubts and fears and make that final push to do something I had been dreading for so long.
"I think I need to use the restroom," I said. "I'm sorry. I didn't think I needed to, but now that I'm standing here…" I made a regretful expression as I trailed off, handing Jesse my helmet.
I went into the store feeling like my head was swimming. For whatever reason, I thought that if I didn't break up with Barrett right then I would lose my chance with Jesse. I don't know why but something about our conversation made me feel like he had been specifically waiting for me for the last two months while I was busy being a girlfriend to someone else. I couldn't do that anymore. My heart broke just thinking about it. I was dizzy with emotion as I walked into the gas station.
"Hello!" the worker called when I came in.
"Hello," I said. It was a young guy working at the counter, and I gave him a sweet smile.
"What's your name?" I asked.
"James."
I smiled. "Hi, James, I was wondering if I could possibly use your telephone."
"There's one outside," he said.
"That's the thing," I said, nodding. "It was really nasty. I think there was gum on it. It would just be a really quick call."
James motioned for me to follow him. We went around the counter and down the short hallway to an office with a small desk. He pointed at the phone.
"You can't call long distance; it's blocked. You can call collect, though, if you press zero. All you have to do is press the button for line one and dial out."
"Thank you," I said. "I won't be long, and it's a local call."
He nodded at me, looking frustrated at the condition of the payphone. I didn't feel bad about what I said. I had glanced at it before I came inside and it was gross—the whole gas station was run-down, and I looked at the messy pile of papers on the desk, absentmindedly wondering how on earth they ever kept up with their bills in these conditions.
My thoughts jumped from one thing to another as I picked up the phone and dialed Barrett's number.
I was nauseated and terrified. I pressed the buttons stiffly, having to hang up once and start over when I thought I might have dialed the wrong number. I pushed each number carefully, numbly thinking about what I would say once he picked up.
My heart began racing when I heard the sound of the phone rustling as he picked it up.
"Hello," he said.
"Barrett, it's Rose."
"What are you doing?" he asked. "Are you coming over here?"
"I'm calling because we need to talk."
"I thought you were coming over here," he said distractedly.
"I'm not," I said. "I can't. I can't come over anymore."
He laughed. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means we have to break up. I'm breaking up. I think we should break up."
I stopped talking, thinking he would say something, but there was just silence on the other end.
"Hello?"
"I thought you just said you were breaking up with me."
"I did."
"Are you joking, or being serious, Rose?"
"I'm being serious. We have to do it."
"No, we don't," he said. "I can't make it without you. You're my everything, baby."
"No I'm not," I said. "I'm not that," I added, glancing at the door and trying to be quiet so that the people in the store didn't hear me.
"Rose, just come over so we can talk about this," he said. "Please. Don't do this to me over the phone." He sounded so pitiful that I wanted to agree to it. I was tempted to give in and say I'd be right over, but then I remembered Jesse and the way he was waiting for me. I remembered how he said it was easy enough for me to just call Barrett and do it.
"I'm sorry, Barrett. I tried to stay long enough to help you out when you got hurt."
"Oh, so you had to make an effort," he sputtered in an offended tone. "Are you asking for a pat on the back for leaving me when I'm at my worst, Rose?"
"No, but I'm not…"
"Isn't this what they mean by for better or for worse, in sickness and in health."
"Yeah, but we're not…"
"For richer or for poorer…"
"Yeah, but we're not married," I said.
There was a few seconds of silence, and I glanced out of the door craning my head to make sure nobody was standing nearby.
"We need to talk this out," Barrett said.
"I can't," I said. "I, uh, we have to see each other again so we can get our things back or whatever, but seriously, Barrett. We have to go ahead and do it."
"Do what?"
"Break up."
"No, Rose."
"Yes. I have to go."
"No."
"I have to. I'm sorry. Goodbye, Barrett."
I hung up the phone so delicately that I heard the mumbled tones coming from the receiver as Barrett continued talking.
I stared wide-eyed at the phone as I let the receiver fully rest on the base, resulting in silence. I didn't even give myself time to contemplate what I had just done. I remembered that Jesse and Jane were in the parking lot waiting for me, and I took off, headed for the door.
"Thank you!" I called as I made my way out of the convenience store.
Jesse and Jane were still in the parking lot, and I smiled at the sight of them. Honestly, I felt as though the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders, and I had to work to contain the huge smile that threatened to cross my face. Jane and I exchanged smiles, but Jesse's expression was unreadable. I knew he had been expecting me to use the payphone, so I figured he had no idea that I had even talked to Barrett.
"Thank you for waiting," I said.
"No problem," Jane said. She glanced at Jesse with a smile. "You ready?" she asked.
He nodded, and they both started their engines. We all put on our helmets and I got onto the seat behind Jesse, situating myself.
My heart was pounding with anticipation.
I was so happy that I could finally feel excited by his touch without feeling terrible about it. I was overjoyed that I officially wasn't spoken for anymore.
"Hey," I said, facing the opposite way of Jane so she couldn’t hear me.
"Hey," he returned, talking to me from over his shoulder.
"I did it," I said.
He glanced at me curiously, but then Jane got his attention. He nudged his chin at her, indicating that she could lead the way, and she took off in front of us. Jesse revved the engine, and we took off, through the parking lot and onto the street. I held onto him, and gave myself permission to appreciate how comfortable and content he made me.
"What did you say?" he asked, turning to holler at me from over his shoulder once we were on the road. I stretched upward, putting my mouth as close to the back of his ear as I could get it.
"I said I did it," I repeated in a loud voice that was meant to overpower the wind. "I used the phone in the store. I called and broke up with him."
Jesse didn't answer me with words. Instead, he gunned the engine, leaning the bike toward the left and going around Jane in a huge, swift, sweeping motion that had me feeling like I was riding a roller coaster.
I giggled with delight and held onto him tightly. I didn't know it was possible to show excitement through driving, but that's what Jesse did. I squeezed his waist as he whizzed past Jane, taking the lead, and challenging her to keep up with us.
We headed out of town on the straight, country road.