I fully intended to go out on the dock with Jesse, but he'd been out there for while, and I couldn’t work up the nerve. I think it was because I wanted something to play out that I knew wouldn't. I pictured the whole scene where I wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and sat next to him on the dock. He would catch fish, and we would laugh and talk the night away. I knew it was just a fantasy, though, since boys always wanted you to be quiet when they were trying to fish.
The idea of it was tempting enough, however, that I took a blanket off of the foot of my bed and stashed it by the front door in case I decided to go out there. "Nana said to give you a hug," Pa said when he finally came out of his bedroom.
I had the television on, but I had just been staring blankly at a commercial, so I turned it down, smiling at my granddad in the process.
"I didn't tell my parents I was coming out here," I said when it crossed my mind that I hadn't talked to them. "I guess Nana will tell my dad."
Pa nodded. "I told her you came with us. She'll tell Jacob when she sees him tomorrow at church."
He came to sit beside me on the couch, and I readjusted and glanced at the clock that was hanging on the wall behind him. "What time are y'all going fishing in the morning?" I asked.
"We'll walk out there at about six-fifteen. I like to be out on the water before the sun comes up."
"That way you're not missing church after all," I said.
My granddad knew I was referring to the beauty of creation, and he smiled at me and nodded. "You're right about that. There's something about being in awe of nature that makes you love, even more, the One who made it. He's an artist." He reached over and patted my leg. He was smiling, and this light-hearted talk of God must have made me feel like I had an open door. I didn't plan on bringing it up, but it just sort of came out.
"Do you ever want to do something so bad that you don't think is wrong but other people do?" I asked. "It's just that one minute, I feel guilty about something, but then I tell myself it's just other people who see it as wrong when it's really not."
He looked at me with sweet curiosity. "Do you want to share with me what it is?" he asked. "That might help."
I shook my head. "It's nothing really specific, I guess. It's just feelings and stuff. I mean, sometimes I just feel guilty for my own feelings—and then I go back and forth, thinking the feelings aren't wrong in the first place, so why waste time feeling guilty about them." I sighed. "Never mind. I don't really know what I'm saying."
Pa leaned over and touched my head. "Guilt, sweetheart, is different from conviction. Conviction is useful, whereas guilt—well, guilt's perhaps one of the biggest time-wasters known to man. It comes in a close second to fear."
"What's that mean?" I asked.
He smiled patiently at me. "I'm a sinner, Rose. My whole career, my whole life's work, is centered on the Lord's kingdom, and I am a terrible sinner just like everyone else. I am not even close to being free of sin, Rose. I could easily think of all the things I should feel guilty about, feelings, tendencies, hang-ups… I could think of those things and count myself out of the Lord's service. I could easily become immobile, unusable because of my own guilt. I guess I'm just trying to reiterate that guilt and conviction are different, and you just need to ask yourself which one you're experiencing."
I smiled and nudged him with my elbow. "I never knew you sinned before, Pa." I was just messing with him because everyone in Memphis knew Dan Lewis as the preacher. "What if it's something that you don't think is a sin or feel convicted about but others may?"
He smiled patiently at me. "Would you like to share with me what it is?" he asked. "I think I could help you."
I shook my head. "No sir. I just meant theoretically."
He shrugged and patted his heart. "Ask God to show you whether it's guilt or conviction," he said. "There's a difference in the two."
I nodded, and took a deep breath, hoping against hope that I hadn't said enough to clue him in on the fact that I was struggling with feelings for Jesse. I felt blood rush to my cheeks as I tried to remember our last few exchanges and wondered if I had said too much.
"I thought you were gonna go out there fishin' with Jesse," Pa said after a few seconds of silence. I had just been wondering if he was onto me about it, so his suggestion made me inwardly suspicious. "Me? Who? Tonight?"
"I just expected y'all both to be out there when I got off the phone."
"I was thinking about going out there," I said, trying to act casual.
Just to prove that I was in no hurry, I sat on the couch with Pa for another ten minutes. We talked about a lot of things that were nowhere near as deep as guilt and conviction. He had a reputation as being a strict person, but I knew him as a grandpa—one who was kind and reasonable.
"I guess I might head out there," I said once I figured a sufficient enough portion of time had passed. I pretended I was doing it reluctantly when, in actuality, I couldn't wait.
I started to get up from the couch, and my granddad asked me if my hair was dry. I combed my fingers through the long, wavy mass of it. It had dried some since I took a shower, but not all the way, so I went into the bathroom and used the blow dryer for a minute just to appease him.
It was one of those tiny, old hairdryers and it smelled funny, but it blew hot air, and I felt better for having taken the opportunity to glance in the mirror before I went out.
I took the blanket with me. I was carrying it in my hand until I stepped outside the door, but it was cool out, so I wrapped it around my shoulders just like in my fantasy. Okay, in my fantasy there would be harp music and a fan blowing my hair when I shrugged into the blanket, and that didn't happen. On the contrary, the whole transition was fairly ungraceful. I dropped the silver flashlight I was holding, and it clanged to the porch floor and rolled to the edge. I had to chase it before picking it up, and I laughed at myself for getting the trip to the dock started with such clumsiness.
I turned on the flashlight and used it to light my path. It took me a minute to get down to the dock, and I smiled at what I saw. I expected Jesse to be sitting up or standing, but he was flat on his back with his hands under his head and legs crossed casually in front of him.
The dock was smaller and shorter than I remembered. It started up on the shore, but it only stuck out over the water about ten or twelve feet, so Jesse took up the whole end of it.
"I thought you'd never come," Jesse said without picking up his head to look at me.
I stepped onto the dock, turning off the flashlight in the process since the light of the moon reflecting on the lake was enough. Jesse scooted a few inches to the side when I came to stand next to him, but remained laying down. I looked out onto the lake, taking in the whole scene. His line was cast and he had secured the rod to a spot on the dock. I could see his line extended out over the lake, and I followed the clear string until I saw the cork resting on top of the water. I glanced down at Jesse with a smile, and he lifted his eyebrows.
"I stared at the water for a while, but the stars…" he trailed off, pointing at the sky.
I glanced up, smiling at the countless clusters of bright stars that filled the night sky. I had planned on just glancing at them and then looking away, but I got stuck staring once I looked up. I gazed at them for a while until focusing again on Jesse who was still sprawled out near my feet. He grinned at me. He had on jeans and a flannel jacket that was open, exposing his T-shirt underneath.
"Why'd you…"
I was about to ask him why he and Tammy broke up. I got the first two words out of my mouth before realizing that was a horrible first thing to say.
"Why'd I what?" he asked.
"Did you catch anything?" I asked, sitting down next to him and pretending that's what I was planning on saying all along.
"A little trout about that big," I glanced at Jesse to see that he was showing the length of about three inches with his fingers.
I smiled. "Are you gonna cook him?"
"Maybe if I was starving," he said.
"Did you let him go free?" I asked. I glanced at him for an answer, and he gave me a nod.
"I'm not really worried about fishing. I'm just laying out here, thinking."
I, in equal parts, both did and did not want to mention Tammy. I was so torn about it that I just sat there for a few seconds not saying anything. I peeled a piece of splintered wood from the deck and threw it into the lake before stretching out next to him. He scooted over to accommodate me and, in the process, made it so that I had plenty of room to lie next to him without making physical contact.
I carefully positioned myself about as close as I could to Jesse without touching him. We were close enough that I could feel the heat of his arm. "Do you remember that one time when we were out here for Easter, and they hid so many eggs that we looked for them all day?" I asked.
"I think they just told us we weren't done looking because they wanted us to stay outside. I think the cabin was too small for all of us."
I laughed at the memory of our families cramming into that cabin when we were little.
"I remember you would tip the boat," Jesse said.
I sat up onto my elbow and turned so that I could stare at him. "I hate that you remember that. That was not on purpose. I did it like three times growing up. I haven't even gotten in a boat since I was like fourteen because I always feel like I'm gonna tip it over."
He regarded me with a curious grin like that was a fact he didn't know. "You can swim, though, can't you?"
"Of course I can," I said, nudging him as I stretched out next to him again. "You've been swimming with me a bunch of times."
"I know, I thought so, but I thought I'd been in boats with you a bunch of times, too. I didn't know you had a thing about them."
"I don't make a big deal about it. I just hadn't been on one in a long time."
"Why'd you come fishing?" he asked.
"Because it sounded like a fun thing to do when Pa asked me. Plus, I really did need to take a break from numbers. Between school and work and now this new thing I've started at your dad's place, I'm looking at numbers for like fifteen hours a day."
"Why are you doing that to yourself?" he asked.
I shrugged. "Because I can, I guess. Physically, I mean. As long as I can work without getting careless or making mistakes, I figure I'll take advantage of the hours in the day."
We sat there for a while, staring at the stars.
"I bet the stars are rearranging themselves into math problems," he said, causing me to laugh.
"Bar charts, actually," I said.
"It's okay," he said. "Sometimes I see bike parts."
"How about right now?" I asked. "What do you see now?"
"Stars," he said. "Whole galaxies and universes. It's really amazing, you know? How little we are in the grand scheme of things."
"I know," I said. "There are so many of them."
"Countless."
"Vast," I added. "Awe inspiring."
"Are you gonna go out on the boat with us in the morning?" Jesse asked.
"I don't know," I said. "I might just stay back. I brought a book. I thought about just coming down here on the dock to read."
"You know you're not gonna flip the boat, right?" Jesse asked.
"You sound more confident of that than I am."
"You won't turn us over, Rose. It's just something silly that stuck in your head from when you were a kid, and we take that bigger boat out now, anyway. I mean, stay back and read your book if you want, but just know you won't tip us over. I won't let you—especially not with granddad in the boat. I'll just hold you on my lap and trap your limbs if you start spazzing out."
I covered my face and laughed at the thought of it. "As tempting as that sounds, I might just stay safe on the shore and read my book."
"What about it sounds tempting?" he asked.
"What?" I asked, stalling.
"What about that scenario sounds tempting to you, Rose?" he repeated.
My heart was beating like crazy. "I was being sarcastic," I said. "…about having to be restrained."
"Oh, okay," he said.
He was so confident and serious, and I had no idea how to respond. I just stared at the stars with my heart beating at least double speed. Several long seconds passed.
"Why'd you break up with your girlfriend?" I asked, finally.