I went straight to my parents' house when I left Bishop Motorcycles. I was delirious with heartbreak, and I just drove to their house on autopilot. It was one of those trips that you don't remember driving or how you got to your destination. I didn't even have a plan or realize what I was doing it until I walked into their house.
"Hey, Rose is here!" my oldest brother called from his spot on the couch.
"Hey J.J.," I said.
"Hey, beautiful Rose!" I heard my dad yell from the kitchen.
I headed in that direction, barely aware of the fact that Cottonball, my parents' dog, was jumping up on me and begging for attention. I didn't give any to him, and I didn't feel guilty about it, which was weird for me since I loved animals.
I went directly to the kitchen where I found my dad, sitting at the breakfast table with a post-dinner/pre-bedtime bowl of cereal.
"Where's mom?" I asked, leaning over to give him a hug before sitting next to him at the table.
"Reading, I think."
Just then, we heard a loud thud in the next room (which happened to be a garage that had been converted into a playroom).
Dad rolled his eyes. "Your brother has friends over," he said. "They're lucky your mom can't hear them."
"Dad, do you still have a key to Pa's cabin?" I asked.
He glanced me curiously. "Yeah, why?"
I shrugged. "Because I was wondering if I could use it for the night—go spend the night there."
"When?" he asked.
"Tonight."
His face contorted and he looked at the clock. "Are you talking about the lake house?" he asked.
I nodded, and he gave me a suspicious look like he thought I was in trouble or was maybe about to get into trouble.
"I broke up with Barrett," I said, knowing I had to let him in on some of my feelings. I sighed before continuing. "I just did it earlier tonight. It's been a long time coming, but I just did it a little while ago, and I feel a little overwhelmed."
The truth was I didn't feel overwhelmed by my break-up Barrett at all. I had been over him for a while, and if anything I was relieved in that regard. My eyes filled with tears as I stared at my dad. I wanted to tell him everything, and at the same time I couldn't.
Dad reached out and gave me a hug. "You sure it's not something else? You're not scared of going back to your apartment are you?"
He was being protective of me and thought my desire to leave town had to do with a fear of Barrett.
"I'm not scared," I said. "I just don't feel like going home right now. I went out to the cabin with Pa a couple of months ago, and it did me good to get out on the water and clear my head."
"Were you thinking of going up there alone?" Dad asked.
I nodded, and he tilted his head at me.
"Do you think you'd feel comfortable spending the night up there by yourself?" he asked.
I nodded again. "They have neighbors and a phone. Worst-case scenario, I can just turn around and drive back. It's not really that far."
"Are you sure you're okay?" he asked again. He reached out and rubbed my shoulder with a comforting touch that had me on the verge of spilling my guts.
"I'm fine," I said with a sigh. "I like it up there, and I think it'd be good to clear my head."
"I’m just not used to hearing you say you need to clear your head, Rose," Dad said, squeezing me around the shoulders.
In spite of being perhaps a little skeptical, he crossed the kitchen to dig in the junk drawer and came up with the key to the cabin.
"Do you think I need to call Pa and make sure nobody else staying there tonight?" he asked, handing me the key.
I shrugged at him, and he leaned over to dial the seven-digit number to my grandparents' house. I listened to his one-sided conversation.
"Hey, can I talk to Dad?"
(a pause)
"Hey, Dad, Rosie was gonna see if she could go out to the cabin for the night."
(a pause)
"Tonight. She won't bother anything. She just wanted to go up there for the night and turn around and come home in the morning."
(a pause)
"No, I have a key, I just wanted to make sure nobody was using or anything.
(a longer pause and a smile)
"I'll tell her. Love y'all too."
Dad shrugged at me as he hung up the phone. "He said nobody's there. You'll want to run the air conditioners, and they've been off for who knows how long, so it might take a little while to cool down the cabin. Be sure to turn on both of the window units. You'll see. There's a list of instructions on the refrigerator."
I smiled, clutching the keys in my hand and feeling so thankful that I had a place to go to get away. I was completely overwhelmed and could not imagine going back to my apartment and stepping back into my life as usual since my normal routine had been severely interrupted.
I hugged my dad, feeling so thankful that I had a perfect place to go.
"Whatcha doin' here, Rose? I didn't even hear you come in," Mom said, coming around the corner.
She already had on her bathrobe and slippers, so it felt a bit weird explaining to her that I was just heading out for a trip.
I took the next ten minutes to explain to her what had happened with Barrett and convince them that I was of completely sound mind regarding my decision to go out to the cabin. My dad reminded me to get gas on my way there, and I was glad he did because I only had about a third of a tank and I doubted that was enough.
I had clothes at my parents' house, so I simply packed a bag and left from there without going by my apartment. Maybe it was cowardly of me, but I didn't feel like listening to the messages that were no-doubt waiting for me from Barrett. I left town without even calling my roommate to let her know where I was going.
I took the key to the cabin and drove ninety miles north to the lake. It was a bit intimidating being there alone, but I didn't give myself time to think about that. Everything was really dark when I arrived, so I went around, turning on all the lights and locking myself in.
I checked the list on the fridge, doing all the right things that it said to do, like setting the air conditioner to a certain temperature and running the water in the sinks for thirty seconds straight. I noticed the neighbor's number was written on the sheet of paper, and I picked up the phone when I saw it just to make sure that I had a dial tone if I needed it.
I turned on the television and let it play a little bit louder than normal just to have some noise and light in the room with me.
I normally wouldn't have done something like this.
I normally would be too scared to go into the woods and sleep in a cabin by myself.
Tonight, on the other hand, I was capable of it because my thoughts were completely consumed with other things.
Tonight, I couldn’t care less about the boogeyman or bigfoot.
I took a cold shower, and then I made a pallet on the couch. I didn't pull it out into a bed, but I did use about ten blankets from other beds so I could build a cozy nest on the couch. Mom and dad had sent some food with me, and I was happy to have it because I stuffed myself while watching TV. I ate snacks, watched television, and did my best to ignore my feelings for a few hours until I drifted off to sleep.
It was just after 5am when I woke up.
I had been sleeping soundly and had no idea where I was for the first few seconds. There were a few lights on in the cabin along with the TV, and I squinted at the clock and then at a window wondering if it was light out or dark. I blinked as it registered that the shades were drawn and I wouldn't be able to see out anyway. I glanced sleepily at the kitchen window, which wasn't completely covered and saw that it was still dark outside. I flopped my head onto the pillow, closing my eyes and trying my best to go back to sleep.
I opened my eyes again a few seconds later.
The television was tuned to some cooking show, and I squinted at it for a minute before I found the remote and turned it off.
I tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn't.
I was restless like I had been that night before I crawled into bed with Jesse.
I had flashbacks of that night and the next morning, and before I knew it, one thought led to another, and I had picked up a couple blankets and was on my way out to the dock.
I brought a flashlight and the blankets, and I headed out there, knowing morning was on its way and having every intention of greeting the sun as it came up over the water.
I didn't get to see the sunrise.
The same thing happened to me on the dock as it did that morning that I climbed in bed with Jesse. It was dark on the dock with only the sounds of water and nature. I wrapped myself in soft blankets, and I felt so comfortable that a heavy sleep crept over me.
The next time I opened my eyes, the sun was up.
It wasn't just coming up either—it was way up.
I glanced around, wondering what time it was but not caring enough to get up and find out.
I took my time waking up. I was relaxed out there on the dock wrapped in those comforters, and I wanted to take a little while to enjoy my lakeside escape before I had to go back to Memphis.
I thought about Jesse constantly, and I still felt heartbroken and hopeless where that situation was concerned. I should have been able to listen to him. I should have been braver about saying something to his parents, but I just couldn't make myself do it. I told myself that regardless of what happened with Jesse I was happy I broke up with Barrett and tried to see the positive, but I was heartbroken.
I sat there in the midst of nature, thinking that if God could hold together the miracle of creation, then certainly He could hear me and help me.
I asked God why I ended up in this situation—one where I loved someone I was too afraid to have.
Then, I had a flashback of Pa telling me how much time a person could waste on guilt, and it sank into my heart that he was right.
I stayed out on the dock for what must have been an hour or so, letting that truth sink in and applying it to my current situation. I stayed there, soaking in the morning before deciding to head back to the cabin.
I made a cup of coffee and while it was still brewing, the telephone rang.
I hadn't been expecting anyone to call, so I looked at it, wondering if I should answer it or not.
"Hello," I said, figuring I needed to do even though I was a little afraid.
"Rose? Is that you?"
It was Jane's voice.
When I registered that it was a woman, I instantly thought it would be my mother, but it only took a second to realize it was Jane.
"Hey," I said, wondering why she would be the one calling.
"Are you at the cabin?"
"Yes," I said. "You just called me here."
There was a pause after that—one where I could tell she was trying to think of what to say.
"Rose do you love my brother?" her tone was serious and maybe even a little bit shaken and I did the thing no one should ever do.
I don't know why I did it.
It was like my arm just involuntarily straightened and set the phone back onto the receiver without my permission.
I hung up on Jane.
She asked me if I loved her brother, and I responded by reaching out and hanging up the phone.
I was still staring at the back of the receiver when it rang again a few seconds later, the loud sound startling me. I let it ring three times before finally deciding I had to pick up even though I didn't want to.
"Hello?"
"Why'd you hang up on me?" Jane asked.
"Because," I said. "Because you're tripping."
"Am I?"
"Yes, Jane, you're tripping me out asking questions like that."
"Do you, Rose?"
"Do I what?"
"Do you love my brother? He said you love him. Do you?"
I felt a longing in my chest and couldn't imagine responding with anything but the truth. "Of course I love him," I said.
"Like a cousin?" she asked.
I paused for a long time. "Yes," I said, finally.
"Well that's funny, because he seems to think you two are in love," she said.
She seemed almost annoyed, and my heart felt crushed as I realized this was the dreaded confrontation I have been afraid of.
"No, it's not like that," I said, feeling heartbroken at letting her down.
"So you don't love him?" she asked.
We sat there for several long seconds as I tried to bring myself to lie. I just couldn't do it.
"I do," I said. "I love him, Jane. I wish I could be with him. I'm trying to keep myself from it, but it's hard."
Several more seconds passed where Jane was silent on the other end, and I could tell she was considering what to say next.
"We all had a big discussion about it last night," she said.
That's the last thing I expected her to say, and my heart dropped.
"Who?"
"Our whole family. Jesse came over here after Mom and Dad had already left. He started telling me that he loves you and was going to be with you. He was thinking that I would give him my best wishes, and that wasn't quite what happened."
"What happened?"
"I wasn't sure about it, Rose. I didn't know what to think."
"I knew you would say that," I interrupted nervously.
I wanted desperately to hang up again, and it took all of my strength to hold the phone to my ear. "He said he wanted to be with you Rose, and I honestly didn't know what to think about that at first. We called our parents, and they came over so we could talk about it."
I sank my face into my hands feeling mortified. "Why are you telling me all this, Jane? Can't you see I already knew you would freak out, and that's what I am trying to get away from it? I can't believe your parents came over there to talk about it. Why did y'all do that?"
"They completely saw Jesse's way," she said. "They agreed with him. The first thing they did was remind me that you two weren't blood-related. Mom actually cried at the idea of you and Jesse. They supported him about it and said how cool it was that God gave him someone so close to home."
My heart, which had just been feeling broken was now coming back to life with restored hope.
"I'll tell you why I wasn't convinced, though, Rose," she continued, causing my heart to drop yet again. "I seriously love you both," she said. "What am I supposed to do if you date my brother and then break up, Rose? I would be so mad at both of you for that."
"I know," I said, since that was the main thing on my mind for the last two months. I felt heartbroken. I had seen and felt and tasted something so true that my heart ached over not being able to have it.
"Jesse had to promise me it wouldn't happen," she said.
I didn't quite understand what she meant by it. "What?"
"I said it's a good thing Jesse promised me everything would be all right."
"What's that mean?" I asked.
Jane paused again. "It means that if there's one person in this world I can count on to tell me the truth, it's my twin. I know him, and I can tell when he's lying and when he's telling me the truth." She took a deep breath. "He told me he's gonna be with you and that everything's gonna be all right, Rose. And I believe him. I think he really loves you."