CHAPTER TWELVE
Justice
By the time Saturday rolls around, I’m more than ready to spend a full day with my daughter. Each visit has gotten a little easier and things are more comfortable between us but we’re still far from where I want to be.
She can talk for hours, which is perfect because I could listen to her for that long and never get bored. I’ve come to realize we have more in common than I first thought. She was enraptured when I explained my job to her. At least the kid version of it because how do you explain to a child you shoot people for a living, even if it’s for the sake of your country. She was so captivated by it she even asked if I would show her how to shoot one day. I couldn’t have been prouder in that moment.
I’ll make sure she grows up knowing exactly how to protect herself, just like Thatcher taught all of us. Although, if the need ever did arise that she needed protection, the threat would be eliminated before she even had a chance to take care of it herself. I’d make certain of it.
After our long talks, she leaves me with a hug, one I feel for the rest of the night. Every one is burrowed deep into my heart, making me long for that moment when I will get another one.
Things between Ryanne and I are still tense. We’ve barely spoken. Other than exchanging numbers, she has stayed out of my way and I hers. She hasn’t asked me to stay late again, not after the last time.
The image of her fucking my leg and coming apart has haunted me every night since. I was an asshole to her and I know it, but I also meant every word I said. She is not calling the shots any longer. Hannah is my child too and I will have a say in our future. She has denied me of that privilege long enough.
I’ve thought a lot about what she said, especially about the part of not wanting Hannah in Winchester because of the talk that circulates about my brothers and me. Personally, I think it’s bullshit. Yes, we have a reputation, but the people who talk shit are the ones who know nothing about us and I’ll be damned if I let them affect my family, especially my daughter.
I have no intention of uprooting Hannah right away, not with school almost being done for summer, but Winchester is not out of the question like Ryanne thinks it is. I will be patient, but only for so long.
My brothers want to meet her and I want that, too. Eventually, I want to return home with my entire family, including Ryanne. When the time is right, I will broach the subject again but no lawyers will be involved. One way or another, Ryanne and I will work this out.
Hannah’s smiling face in the window is the first thing I see when I pull up to the house. She bulldozes out the door as I climb out of the truck, her excitement palpable.
“Hi, Daddy, I’m ready!”
Hearing that name fall past her lips punches me in the chest every fucking time. I will never tire of hearing it, even if it scares the living shit out of me.
She has a small backpack on and holds a CD in her hands. “Mama packed us snacks and water. I also brought my Taylor Swift CD since you haven’t had a chance to listen to it yet.”
Before I can say a word, Ryanne comes barreling out of the house. “Hannah J. Creed,” she yells, her hands on her hips. “What am I, chop liver? Can I have a hug goodbye?”
Hannah giggles. “Sorry, Mama. I got excited.” She runs up the porch and jumps into her arms.
Ryanne hugs her close, her eyes closing as pain washes over her face. It’s obvious this is harder on her than she’s letting on, something I should be happy about but for some reason I’m not.
“I love you,” she whispers. “Have fun, okay?”
“Don’t worry, we will.”
Once she puts Hannah down, her eyes find mine. “Do you know how long you’ll be gone for?”
“I’ll have her home before dinner.”
She nods and looks like she wants to say more but doesn’t. Instead, she flashes our daughter a smile and walks back inside. My eyes follow her every step until she disappears.
“Ready?” Hannah asks, pulling my attention back to her.
“Yeah, come on.”
I walk her over to the passenger side with the intention of helping her up but she does it on her own, though not without struggle. “Man, this is a big truck,” she says, huffing and puffing as she gets situated.
Smirking, I lean over and buckle her in, making sure she’s nice and secure. After I close the door and climb in on my side, she immediately passes me the CD. “Number seven is my favorite.”
I stare down at it for a long moment before reluctantly taking it and placing it into the player that I’ve never even used. I prefer silence when I drive.
A fast tempo fills the truck, shit that I would never listen to blaring from the speakers. If my brothers could see me now they would have a fucking laugh.
However, as I watch my daughter next to me, smiling from ear to ear and tapping her leg to the beat as she tries to out sing the artist, I know without a doubt it’s worth the sacrifice of my pride.
There is no conversation for over half the drive, mainly because she’s too busy singing, something I’m content to listen to, even if it’s to this kind of music.
“Do you smoke?” she asks mid song, looking over at me with her nose scrunched up.
“Yeah, why?”
“Because your truck smells like it.”
I hoped I had aired it out enough but I guess not.
“It’s not very healthy for you, ya know.”
“Neither is ice cream,” I say, grinning over at her.
“True.” She nods. “But ice cream doesn’t kill you.”
I refrain from telling her we’re all going to die one day so may as well do what we enjoy. Smoking is a habit I picked up before I even entered that hell they called a group home. It calms me, soothes the beast that haunts me on the darkest nights. Never once have I ever questioned it…until now.
I glance over at Hannah who continues to watch me. “Does it bother you?”
She shrugs. “I just don’t want you to die, especially since we just found each other.”
My chest tightens at the admission. “You don’t need to worry about that. I’m not going anywhere.”
It will take a lot more than cigarettes to ever keep me from her.
For now, she seems satisfied with that answer, but I guess the habit is something I will have to be more careful with.
It takes about twenty minutes before we arrive at the zoo. After climbing out, I help Hannah down and watch piles of people walk through the entrance while she puts her backpack on again.
To have my daughter around this many people makes me fucking nervous. You never know who or what kind of enemy walks among them.
“Stay next to me at all times, okay?” I tell her.
She nods then reaches up and wraps her tiny fingers around mine. I look down at our joined hands, her small one engulfed by my large one, and become plagued with emotions I can’t name.
My fingers grip hers as I cling not only to her hand but this moment, this one defining moment that means nothing to the average parent but is completely life changing for me.
We walk up to the gates to purchase our tickets then I pull Hannah to the side where the maps are, feeling completely lost. “Where to first?” I ask.
“The monkeys!”
We head in the direction of the rainforest, weaving in and out of the crowd.
Hannah’s eyes are wide; smile even bigger as she takes in our surroundings. “Over there are the lions.” She points. “Want to go there after?”
“Whatever you want. This is your day.”
“Our day,” she corrects me.
I nod. “Our day.”
We enter a building that is thick with humidity and filled with vegetation.
“Look, up there in that tree!” Releasing my hand, she runs up to the glass where a bunch of other kids are standing, her eyes riveted to the ape that jumps from branch to branch. “And look down here, too.” She points below where a gorilla holds its baby. “Aren’t they amazin’?” she whispers, her hands pressed against the window.
“Yeah.” My answer has nothing to do with the animals and everything to do with the little girl standing before me.
Pulling my phone out, I snap a picture, wanting to freeze this moment and keep it forever. I also send it to Ryanne, unable to get her sad eyes out of my mind since leaving her.
My phone dings back not even a minute later.
Ryanne: Thank you, you have no idea how much I needed this. I miss her already.
Me: I’ll send you more throughout the day.
Ryanne: Thanks. Have fun!
Pocketing my phone, I bring my attention back to Hannah where she walks along the glass, following two of the smaller monkeys.
“I think these are the kids,” she says.
“They look like it.”
“I wonder if they are brother and sister.”
I remain silent since I don’t have a fucking clue.
She stares at them thoughtfully, watching as they play. “I hope one day I’ll have a brother or a sister to play with.”
Every muscle in my body tightens. She makes the remark casually, not having any idea what that really means.
To think of Ryanne having another child with someone else makes me feel fucking violent. It also makes me wonder if she has been with anyone else. Has anybody tried being a father to my daughter? Just the thought makes me want to drive a bullet between their fucking eyes. For as long as I am walking this earth, no one else will step in where my daughter is concerned.
“Wanna go check out the lions now?” she asks, having no idea the torment I’ve found myself in.
“Yeah. Let’s go.”
She takes my hand again as we walk outside and I decide I’m never letting go, never giving anyone else the opportunity to have this.
“How many times have you been to the zoo?” she asks.
“I haven’t.”
“Never?”
I shake my head, amused by the disbelief in her voice.
“How come? Didn’t Papa Thatcher ever take you?”
The mention of my father reminds me of the betrayal that’s been staked into my chest but I do my best to shove aside the feeling, refusing to let it wreck my time with my daughter. “I was older when I lived with Thatcher. Too old for the zoo.”
“What do you mean? Weren’t you a baby when you were born?”
I smirk at the way her mind works. “Yes, but I wasn’t born to Thatcher, even though he’s my father.”
She peers up at me, looking confused as hell, and I don’t blame her.
I drag her off to the side, deciding now is as good a time as any to explain this to her. Kneeling down, I look her in the face. “Sometimes the family we have aren’t always people we are born to. I wasn’t born to Thatcher but he’s my father because he loved me and raised me to be who I am now. He gave me a home when I didn’t have one.”
“You didn’t have a home?” she whispers, looking devastated at the thought.
“For a while, no, I didn’t.”
“Where did you live then?”
“On the streets.”
Her small lips part on a gasp. “But what about your parents? Where were they?”
My teeth grind against the burn that starts in my chest, my gut churning as the one horrific moment in my life tries emerging from the depths of hell.
“I don’t know my birth father and my mother is dead.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispers, her small lip trembling with emotion.
I’m not.
I refrain from saying that out loud and push on. “Don’t feel bad for me. I have Thatcher and my brothers, Knox and Braxten. Do you know about them?”
“Yes, Mama has told me a little about them and Papa Thatcher talks about all y’all whenever I see him. He’s even shown me pictures.”
I nod, grateful for that. “They aren’t my blood brothers but they are my brothers in every sense of the word. We take care of each other, love each other like family. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“I think so,” she says. “But me and you, we-we’re blood family, right?”
“Yeah. We are.”
She’s the only living thing on this earth that carries my DNA. A gift I will always treasure.
She catches me off guard when she steps into me, wrapping her arms around my neck. “I’m glad you’re my dad,” she whispers, her voice thick with tears.
It makes me feel like I’ve just swallowed a thousand razorblades. “Me too, Hannah. More than you’ll ever know.”
Not ready to let her go, I stand with her in my arms, never feeling anything more perfect. I carry her over to the lions where we watch them through the chain-link. Once again the animals fascinate her, but while her gaze is fixated on them mine is on her, wondering how I got lucky enough to create something as perfect as her.
For the rest of the day she remains in my arms, and by the time we make it around the entire zoo, it’s close to dinnertime.
“You wanna stop at the gift shop before we leave and pick something out?” I ask.
“Yes, please!” she says excitedly. “Do you think we could get somethin’ for Mama too since she never got to come with us?”
I don’t give the request a second thought. “Yeah, we can buy something for her, too.”