CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Justice
I hold Ryanne close, chest heaving and heart pounding, feeling spent both emotionally and physically.
The three of us make eye contact, my brothers looking as fucked up as I feel, especially Knox. I want to say something to ease the turmoil I know he’s going through, but I’m unable to sort through my own thoughts or feelings right now let alone voice them.
This was different, so different than the other times. Usually there are no emotions involved just straight fucking, but this time all of our emotions ran high.
This was our goodbye.
Pushing to his feet, Knox leaves the room first, walking into his bedroom and closing the door behind him.
“Go,” Brax says, doing up his pants. “Take her home. I got him.”
Getting myself together, I keep Ryanne wrapped in the blanket, not bothering to worry about finding her discarded clothes, and carry her out to my truck. She remains silent through it all, her expression unreadable, and I hate it. Usually I can always tell what she’s thinking. Just like I knew what she was thinking the moment my brothers announced themselves. I’ve always seen the curiosity lurking in her eyes no matter how hard she tried to hide it.
We’ve all thought about it, my brothers included, and if I’m being honest, letting them do something as small as watching was harder for me than I thought it would be. I’m glad we had this one last time together, but never again will I let them see the beautiful parts of her. Parts that are meant for my hands and eyes only.
The drive to the farm seems to take forever, Ryanne’s soft gaze staring out the window. At one point I reach for her hand, needing to feel her warmth, needing reassurance she’s okay. She squeezes it back but doesn’t look at me. It doesn’t ease the worry coiling in my gut. Despite her willingness to give us tonight, I’m terrified it was too much for her.
Once arriving at the guesthouse, I carry her inside and take her to bed, stripping myself down before gathering her in my arms, feeling her skin on mine.
Just her and I.
She curls into my body, her head resting on my chest, heart beating against my ribs and breathing life into me like never before. With my gaze trained up on the dark ceiling, I’m unable to bear the silence any longer. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”
“Honestly, I’m not sure,” she admits quietly. “I’m feeling so many things right now.”
“Regret?” I hold my breath, feeling fucking sick at the thought.
“No. Not at all.”
The air I’d been holding in my lungs releases on a heavy exhale, relief flooding my veins.
I feel her look up at me. “I’d have never gone through with it, Justice, if I wasn’t a hundred percent certain.”
That doesn’t mean she couldn’t regret it later and that was my biggest fear. I’m glad she doesn’t though because I’m not sure I could live with myself if she did.
“It’s for Knox, isn’t it?” she says, continuing to peer up at me. “You guys do it for him.”
It’s so much more than that, more than anyone understands. “He’s what started it, but we all battled our demons together in those moments, not just Knox’s.”
“What happened to him?” she asks on a whisper.
The question evokes a burn to start in my chest that spreads up my throat. “I can’t tell you that. I’m sorry.”
I hate having to withhold anything from her, especially after what she just did for us, but it’s something I promised to take to my grave, and I never break a promise. She doesn’t need to hear it anyway. It will only haunt her the same way it does me.
“Then what about yours, Justice? Will you tell me yours?”
I tense, my eyes meeting hers in the quiet dark.
“You know all my secrets,” she whispers, “the good and bad, yet I don’t know a single thing about yours.”
“What do you want to know?” My voice is gruff, restricted in fear because I know exactly what she’s asking.
“Where did you come from before you found your brothers and Thatcher?”
A coldness takes over my body, freezing the ice in my veins as the dark memories I’ve always kept locked away emerge with a vengeance. “You don’t want to know,” I finally manage to choke out.
“Yes, I do. I want to know everything about you.”
Not this. She has no idea who I am without my brothers and dad. Who I really belong to and what I come from.
She touches my face, her fingers soft and grazing. “Nothing you tell me will change how I feel about you,” she says, sensing my greatest fear. “Please, let me in.” The soft plea has me unable to deny her.
Swallowing thickly, I somehow find words to explain one of the darkest moments of my life. The moment that shaped me from a child.
“I was born to a woman who never wanted me,” I start, a sudden calmness slipping over me. “Actually, she hated me.” My voice becomes nothing more than an echo, my body cold and numb as I’m forced to relive that fateful night.
The distant sound of sobs pull me from my bed. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I grab my tattered bear, the only stuffed animal I’ve ever owned, and slowly open my door. I look back and forth down the dimly lit hallway of our small house then tentatively step out. My small feet press into the carpet as I follow the tortured sound; every step making my heart beat in fear for what she will do to me if she finds me out of bed.
Peeking around the corner, I see her in the living room, surrounded by darkness. An empty bottle sits in front of her, a shiny metal gun resting in her hand as she cries uncontrollably. Her lips move, whispering things I can’t understand as she rocks back and forth.
A creak beneath my foot alerts her of my presence. Her head snaps up, sad expression turning to one of hatred.
Silence beats between us, fear crawling up my throat that she’s going to lash out and hurt me.
“I tried,” she cries. “I tried so hard to love you but I can’t.”
Even though I already knew this, her words still hurt. All I’ve ever wanted is for her to love me. That’s what mothers are supposed to do. When other kids get dropped off at school their moms always leave them with a hug or a kiss. I’ve never had that from her.
I don’t even know what a hug feels like.
“You look so much like him,” she screams. “You are just like him!” My eyes go wide as she lifts the barrel to her temple. “Now I will never be forced to have to see him again.”
The shot goes off, the loud noise making me flinch as something warm and wet hits my face. She slumps over, the color red pooling beneath her lifeless body. I find myself unable to move, my body violently trembling as I stare into my mother’s dead eyes, a mother who hated me too much to love me.
“Justice,” Ryanne’s whisper pulls me back to the present, sympathy burning in her gaze. “I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be,” I say, managing to speak through the tormented emotions suffocating me. “She didn’t have to look at me again, and I was freed from her hatred.”
Only to end up in the system to endure more abuse before finding my brothers, but I keep that part to myself. One revelation is enough for tonight.
“Why did she harbor so much resentment? I don’t understand.”
“Because I look just like her rapist.” My stomach hollows out, bile inching up my throat as I speak the shameful words.
She stills at the revelation.
“I’m a product of rape, Ryanne. That’s who I am. That’s where I came from.” It took a long time for me to come to terms with it, and if I’m honest, at times I still haven’t, knowing that man’s blood flows in my veins makes me sick. I have no idea who he is or where, all I can hope is he’s burning in hell where he belongs.
“That’s why you always ask me,” she whispers, realization dawning in her eyes. “That’s why every time before we ever make love, you make sure I want it. That I want you…”
My silence is all the confirmation she needs.
She reaches out, touching my jaw. “I always want you, Justice. Never doubt that. You are not him and you aren’t her either.”
“I’m both of them. That’s whose blood I have running in my veins.”
“That means nothing. You know that better than anyone. You’re a Creed.” She leans down, brushing her lips across mine. “A good man and father. I just hope…”
“What?” I ask when she trails off.
“Can you really leave it behind? The lifestyle with your brothers. If that’s what suppresses your demons how can I compete with that?” Her voice cracks, the fear in her words shredding my insides.
“You don’t get it. I don’t need it when I have you.” I reach up, cupping her soft cheek. “It’s always been you, Ryanne. If I had been given the chance six years ago, I would have walked away from it then. I will always choose you and Hannah.”
Her eyes close, a sob tumbling from her as she drops down on top of me. “I’m sorry, so sorry for running and keeping her from you,” she cries, apologizing once again. “I was scared of so many things but you were always with us, Justice. Always in our hearts.”
My teeth grind as the ache in my chest intensifies, hating the pain and regret that bleeds from her. It has me speaking the words that I do. “I forgive you.” The moment I say them, I know they’re true.
Her cries stop and she pushes up on her elbow, sad eyes appearing before me. “What?”
“I forgive you,” I say again, wiping her tears with the pads of my fingers. “I haven’t told you this because I was too angry before but you’ve done good with her, Ryanne. You’re everything a mother should be and I’m glad you’re Hannah’s.”
The confession has her crying harder. Unable to bear the painful sound any longer, I flip her over and come over top of her, my fingers curling around hers. “Tell me you want me,” I murmur, needing to hear it.
Her hands frame my face, soft eyes peering up into mine. “Always.”
I slide into her, her warmth spreading throughout my entire body.
She gasps, accepting all of me, her arms circling my neck. “I love you.” The three words leave her on a whisper, making me still deep inside of her. “I’ve always loved you, years apart never changed that. I’ll love you until my last breath, Justice Creed.”
I’m unable to speak, unable to mutter the same words I feel, too afraid to say them out loud. Instead, I show her. For the first time in my life I make love to someone and know it will always be her. The woman who has undeniably claimed every part of me forever. A woman I will never let go of again.