Chapter 10

Lilly

Once again, I awakened to an empty mattress, but this time the note was on his pillow. It simply said that he had things he had to take care of and had to get an early start. He urged me to stay as long as I liked and he would be in touch. It wasn’t a terribly romantic note, but somehow I liked it better for that. It had the tone of it being an expectation that we’d see one another later in the day. We had evidently moved past the “Would you like to go on a date” stage. I like this much better. It was informal and familiar.

I quickly showered and dressed in what I’d worn the day before. I went to the room where Natalie had slept and found her sitting at the edge of her bed, staring out the window. She looked over her shoulder at me. “Where am I?”

I saw her clothes had been cleaned and were hanging neatly from a hanger on the closet door. I pointed to them. “Put your clothes on and let’s get going home.” I closed the door and said no more. I would save that for later.

I was waiting for her in the kitchen, a glass of juice in my hand to cleanse her palate. I knew she didn’t have a toothbrush and her mouth had to be pretty sour right about then. She came down shortly thereafter, and I handed it to her. She drank it without stopping. “Thanks,” was all she said. Padding over to the refrigerator door, she opened it, her mouth dropping at the assortment before her. “Hand me something to put things in.”

“What? Are you out of your mind? You can’t just steal food.”

“It’s not stealing. I could have eaten it yesterday, and it would’ve been considered polite. Why is it considered stealing today? It’s all going to go to waste, and you know it. We’ve got nothing at home.”

“And whose fault is that?”

Natalie glared at me, bending her arm to cradle as much as she could load before she headed out the door and stood next to my car waiting for me. I looked around, hoping the housekeeper hadn’t witnessed her greed, and then left.

When we got home, Natalie laid the food out in our refrigerator with great care. As angry as I was, it was rather pitiful to see. She was used to seeing one or maybe two things to choose from. Now there was a colorful smorgasbord, and I could tell she didn’t want to touch it in fear of ruining the artistic symmetry. Things had to change. We would be OK if Natalie would just stop her drinking and drugging and stealing from me. If she could get clean and even get a small job, it would be a tremendous help.

“Natalie, we’ve talked about this before, but something has to change. We can’t go on like this. Do you have any idea how much pressure I’m under?”

“Oh, you remind me quite often, don’t you?” Her voice was bitter and nasty, and I knew there was no good way to have that conversation.

“You really don’t care, do you? You’re content to just sponge off of me until I walk away from you. What are you going to do then? Because, Natalie, I’m just about there. Look at the spectacle you made of yourself at Bolt’s party. Did you even see yourself? Those people thought you were disgusting. I was never so embarrassed. I couldn’t even rejoin the party because I knew people were talking about us. We were like poor folks from the holler.”

“You’re just exaggerating.” She was mad. “You and your rich boyfriend think it’s perfectly fine if he takes you to fancy dinners and lavishes you with gifts. But me? What do I get? A lot of bitching from you. You think you’re so much better than me. You forget I’m your older sister.”

“Then why don’t you try acting like it?” I shouted at her. She picked up a pillow from the sofa and threw it at me, hard.

“Go fuck yourself, Ms. Fancy Pants,” she shouted and left, slamming the door so hard the wall vibrated.

I was so angry, I was glad she left. I hope she’d leave and never come back. I went into my bedroom, kicked off my shoes, and hung my dress neatly in the closet. I might never wear it again, but at least it would be presentable. I walked into the shower stall and turned the water on as high as it would go. I washed all the angry voices off of me, taking in deep breaths of the steamy air to clean my own wicked throat. In that moment, I believed I almost hated Natalie. If I were on my own, what could I have accomplished? She was holding me back, and she knew it. And what was more, she would continue to hold me back forever and never feel one ounce of guilt for doing it. I could never have done that to her. It just wasn’t in me.

I dressed, grabbed my bag, and left in my car. It was the one place I could call my own and she couldn’t reach me. I drove up and down the streets then out of the city to the south, down to Fort Knox. I slowed and stared at the gold depository, wondering what good it did to keep all that gold when there were so many people who could’ve used it. I knew that was crazy thinking. I knew better. It just showed the kind of mood I was in at the time.

On the way back I stopped by a used bookstore. I went inside and browsed through the romances. I wanted something to take my mind off the bitterness that Natalie left behind. I knew she’d be home when I got there, so I picked up a burger and fries for her.

When I walked to the door, the apartment was dark and silent. She hadn’t come home yet. I sat miserably in the living room, eating her burger and fries, ketchup dripping down onto my shirt. I was in a dark mood and still angry.

I took my romance book to bed and waited for Bolt to call. He texted me just before midnight.

“Sorry, I’ve been out all day. I miss you and wish you had stayed here. We’ll talk in the morning.”

“I miss you too,” I answered. “Natalie and I had a huge fight. She hasn’t come home yet.”

“She will. This isn’t the first time, right? Just give her some space.”

“Good night.”

“Sleep well.”

I read for about an hour, listening for the door to open, but it never did. Eventually I rolled over and fell asleep. My phone awakened me the next morning.

“Did she come home yet?”

“No. She’s off pouting somewhere. There isn’t much I can do about it.”

“Can I ask what you fought about?”

“It was the same thing as always. She grabbed a bunch of your food before we left. I’m so sorry, Bolt. I don’t know if she does it because she’s trying to make me angry or if her brain is already burned out. We came back and she literally decorated the refrigerator with the food. It was so perverse. I knew there was no point in doing that, but it got to me. She embarrassed me at your house. All your friends, your family, your business associates—it was awful.”

“Don’t worry about it, really. Don’t worry about it.”

“Well, I started suggesting once again that she get clean and eventually find a job so we could have a little better status of living. I mean, we’re not starving. It’s just that we never get ahead.”

“You know I’m here for you,” he said quietly, and I understood what he meant.

“No, we’re fine. We could just be better, and it’s her fault we aren’t. Things got a little heated, and she got mad and took off again. She does this until I go out and drag her home, we have a few good days, and then the whole thing repeats itself. Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be putting all this out there like that. You must think I’m horrible.”

“I happen to think that you are a bit of a heroine. Where would she be without you?”

“Well, thank you, but I don’t feel very heroic. Right now I’m just mad.”

“Would you like to go out and eat or get out for a while? You could always come over here.”

“I’d love to, but I can’t. I need to hang around and wait for her to come back. Tomorrow is Monday, and I have to open the studio. I want to get this all sorted out before then. Does you understand?”

“You know I do understand. Remember, I’m here for you. You just have to call.”

We disconnected, and the residual warmth of his caring made me feel much better. I made myself a slice of toast and settled onto the sofa with the romance, waiting to hear her come through the door. I fell asleep, and it was dark when I awoke. Still no Natalie. I slept on the couch that night, and the next morning I went into work. I half expected to find her asleep in my office, but no such luck. I was absent-minded as I worked on my clients, and that wasn’t a very good idea. I almost spelled someone’s name wrong. That could’ve ended my career alone.

I drove straight home after I closed the studio. Still, no Natalie. I got ahold of Butch, but he said he hadn’t seen her. He promised to ask around, but he never called back. I went to bed that night worried more than I had been angry the day before. The next morning I went to work early, still hoping she’d show up. By that evening there was still no sign of her.

I called Bolt. “I don’t know what to do. She’s never stayed away this long.”

“Do you have any idea where to look for her?”

“Only the same places she always goes, the old neighborhood. But I called Butch, a friend of ours, and he said he’d check them out. He hasn’t called me back so I know he hasn’t found her yet. I’m worried, Bolt. What if she’s gone too far this time? What if she’s lying dead in some alley? I can’t call the police. She’s liable to have something on her, and then she’ll go to jail. In fact, she’s been in jail so many times, they were about ready to send her to prison. She may not be at the top of her game, but she doesn’t deserve to go to prison.”

“You sit tight. I’ll make some calls. I’ll handle this.”

He hung up, and the absence of his voice made the apartment all the more empty. At least someone was doing something, and that was more than I could accomplish at the moment. I paced the small rooms back and forth. I changed the linens on her bed, fluffing her pillows like a mother who missed her child. There was still no news, so I took the book and crashed on the couch again. I couldn’t get interested so I turned on the TV. The news came on, story after story of murders, stabbings, fires, every imaginable tragedy. It all made me feel worse. I felt guilty that I had argued with her, knowing very well how she would react. It had been all my fault.

My phone rang, and I knocked my book to the floor trying to answer it. “Hello?”

It was Bolt. “I’ve got her. Pack a bag and come for the night. Better pack a bag for her too.”

I threw things together as quickly as I could. I knew there was no real need to rush. I knew she was in safe hands and wouldn’t be going anywhere. The car seemed to know its own way to the farm, and I loaded my arms with our things and knocked at the door. Mrs. Polk answered, a look of sympathy on her face as she stood back to hold the door wide. She said nothing but knew that I knew where to go. I went to the master bedroom, laid our things on the bed, and went in search of Bolt. I found him with Natalie on the back patio. He saw me coming through the door and held one hand up.

“Stop. Stop right there. Before you come out, I want you to know she’s OK. The doctor just left. He checked her out.”

“Doctor? Did she need a doctor?”

At that, he motioned me forward, and I came around to her side. Natalie looked up at me, and her face was badly bruised, both eyes blackened, and a small, ragged cut marred her chin. “Oh my god, what happened?”

Bolt stood up and put his arm around me, leading me to a lounge chair. “Here, sit down.” I did as he said, and Natalie watched me with her swollen eyes. “Now, Natalie and I have been having a good chat. She told me what happened, and she understands how dangerous it is to put herself in that situation again. Now, you don’t have to know the details because there’s no point in putting her through it all again, so let it go.”

“But, I have to look after her,” I began to object.

“No. That’s where you’re wrong, Lilly. Natalie said it herself. She needs to be in charge of her own life and is willing to do that… with our help.”

“Our help?”

“Yes. Now, here’s what we’ve been discussing. I know of an excellent clinic in Georgia. Savannah, to be exact. I know people who have stayed there, and they couldn’t say enough good things about it. My doctor will refer her, and Natalie has agreed to let me fly her down there, and she will be my guest. I will fly her down personally, making sure she has no problems. The staff there will look after her. They know what they’re doing and will keep her comfortable. When she’s better, she’ll come back, she’ll go to work for a friend of mine who owns a chain of clothing stores in malls. She’ll stay at the apartment you have now and can start part-time. There’s a bus that will take her there and bring her back. There are real management possibilities with this company, and if she keeps herself straight, she’s smart and ambitious and can start her life over.”

I was shocked. They’d discussed all this in the time it took me to drive out there? Somehow, I doubted it. I looked at her. “Is this what you want, Natalie?”

She nodded but didn’t speak. She was looking at me with wariness. I think she was afraid I’d object, and she’d be out on her duff.

“But Bolt, this is too generous. You don’t owe us this.”

“That’s for me to decide. No one asked. I offered, and it’s because I care what happens to you, both of you.”

“I just don’t know what to say.”

“Honey, it’s not really up to you to give permission. Natalie is her own woman, and she has already accepted my offer. We’re leaving in the morning. You will stay here and go on with your life and let me keep tabs on her. She can call me at any time.”

I stood up, miffed. I really wasn’t sure why. I guess I felt unappreciated for all the sacrifices I’d put in. To suddenly be told that I wasn’t even included in the decision-making—well, it just didn’t sit well. “Well, I guess I’m not needed here. I’ll just leave your things in the bedroom and be off.”

I turned to leave, but Bolt caught my arm. “Hold on there, Lilly. You and I are going to talk. Natalie, you OK here by yourself for a bit?”

She nodded, so Bolt took me by the hand and led me into his bedroom. I felt like a child being taken to punishment.

He said down on the bed and pulled me down next to him. “Look, I’m sorry I had to put it to you that way, but Natalie’s pride is pretty dinged right now, and I had to give her a little sense of dominion, if you understand my meaning.”

I nodded. “But, Bolt, I’m not sure this is going to work. She’s promised me to clean up so many times.”

He shook his head. “This time will be different, I promise you. I know this place I’m sending her to. They won’t let her go until she’s clean. They have their methods.”

Then I became concerned. “Are you sure we should send her there?”

“They are the best.”

I thought about it, and I thought about the alternatives. Her missing for three days had been some of the worst days of my life. I knew she was out of control and I was out of options. “Thank you for caring,” I put my arms around his neck and hugged him.

“That’s only part of the reason I brought you in here.”

“What is it? What’s wrong?”

“When Natalie’s clean, just as I said, she’s coming back, and I’ll have a job lined up for her. That gives her something as an incentive. But she also needs to be on her own, truly alone. On the other hand, I don’t want you to be alone. I want to ask you if you will consider moving in here with me? I want you to be in my bed every night. I want to see your smiling face in the morning, and I want to make you happy. I can’t do that from this distance, and I think we would be more comfortable living here than we would in your apartment. Anyway, while Natalie is gone, I thought maybe you and I could redecorate the apartment a little, maybe freshen it up so she’d have some place pretty good she could be proud of. The more she has that gives her pride, the easier it is to avoid sinking back to those dark places.”

I looked at his face and could see he earnestly meant it. I hadn’t expected it. I could readily admit that I thought of it, but only in the sense of a young girl who pictures her future husband and the wedding and the white picket fence around their little cottage. But I didn’t think we were anywhere close enough to be living together. That didn’t mean I was not open to the idea, I just didn’t think it would come that quickly. “Are you sure? Are you doing this because you want me to be here or because it would make it easier for Natalie when she comes back?”

“Do you really have to ask that?” His face revealed his hurt. “I thought you trusted me?”

“I do. I guess sometimes I’m just not sure what I don’t know. I know that’s a really strange way to put it, but you have to admit you’re secretive. And you have to admit that if I were that secretive, you would wonder what you didn’t know about me.”

“I get it. Do you remember when I told you about what I do for a living?”

“Sure. You take care of imports and exports, right?”

“Yes, that’s right.” He gripped my hand a little more tightly and took a deep breath. “There’s more that you don’t know, you’re right about that. But here’s where I have to ask you to trust me. I can’t tell you the rest. It has nothing to do with you, and it has nothing to do with anyone around me. It only has to do with me. It’s not something I can talk about. There are security issues involved. Now, as much as I want to, I can’t say any more than that. But I promise you, there is no one in my life but you. I want what is best for you, and that is to have you at my side. There will be times that I leave, just as we talked about before. When I do leave, it could be sudden. You might wake up in the morning, and I’m gone. I can’t explain it in advance, and I can’t explain it when I come back. It’s nothing illegal or immoral—it’s just not something I can talk about. Do you think you could be OK with that?”

“That’s a pretty broad question to ask me, under the circumstances.”

“Yes, it is. You’re right. I know it’s impossible for you to trust what you don’t know. But you do know me, and I hope you can trust me, the man, and not worry about the absences. Is that possible?”

“May I ask one question?”

“Of course.”

“Does anyone know where you go when you go?”

“No one in our life knows. I just can’t say any more than that.”

I stood up and went to the window, looking out over the brilliantly green grass. I thought about my life up until the day that I had met Bolt. I was strictly in survival mode, and there were no options on the horizon. Natalie was in the same boat, except that hers was headed for the bottom. And then, Bolt came along and everything changed. Natalie was headed to a clinic that would change her life. The pressure was off of me to look after her, and I had a man who cared about me enough to want me to live with him. Why was I hesitating? Why was I feeling this reservation? I knew why. It was about giving up control. I’d clung to the concept that I was in control in order to survive, through my parents’ death, through Natalie’s tribulations. I needed something that I could depend on, and it had only been myself. Now, a very fine man was offering himself to me. He was waiting for his answer.

“Lilly?”

I still had my back to him as I stood at the window. “Yes?”

“I have one more thing to tell you.”

I swallowed hard, praying that it wasn’t something that would add to my doubts.

“What is it?”

“I’m in love with you.”

I snapped upright, unsure I’d heard him correctly. I knew I had, but my suspicious brain was screaming that he had not just said those words. I spun around and looked at him, and I knew instantly he had said them. It was all over his face.

“I’m in love with you, too,” I whispered and crossed the room to the bed where I climbed onto his lap and wrapped myself tightly around him. “Just remember that I’m scared, Bolt. I’ve been in charge for so very long, I’m scared to let go.”

“You don’t have to let go, Lilly. You just have to let me in.”