Chapter 24

Lilly

I spent the afternoon at the studio, feeling too restless to stay at the apartment. Mary had stopped by with two mugs of hot tea, and as I lounged back on the tattoo table, she sat on a nearby stool and shared stories from her younger years. I found myself missing my mother, particularly in my condition. There were so many things I didn’t know and so much to be experienced. I felt so totally alone, and if it hadn’t been for Mary, I know I would have been depressed as the waiting game began.

“Can you tell me anything about the father?” she asked, not in a judgmental way, but in a concerned voice. I knew she was trying to help me.

“No, I really can’t. I will tell you that his family has money and his father is not a good person. Neither he nor his father know about this, and I want to keep it that way. Jinx will belong to me, not to his family.”

“But, my dear, I can’t help but notice that you’re struggling alone. There’s a real possibility that your baby’s father will learn about him at some point in the future. He may go to court and ask for father’s rights, and it’s likely the judge will grant him visitation, as well as child support. That could come in handy for you. It would give you more options for your future.”

I knew she meant well, but I shook my head. “It’s not the way I want it. I can do this alone.”

She patted my hand. “You’re not alone as long as I’m around.”

Who could ask for more than that? Since Mary didn’t drive but relied on the bus system or Ubers, I made sure she had an envelope with enough money to call for a ride if I needed her. We had come up with a plan and agreed that when I felt my labor beginning, I would call her, and she would come in an Uber to pick me up and take me to the hospital.

“Have you felt any cramping yet?” she asked me.

“No. Why?”

“It’s just that, well, my oldest son wants to take me to Lexington for a couple of days to meet his girlfriend’s family. I told him I would, but I won’t go if you don’t want me to or if you think you’ll need me. He wants to leave this evening.”

I shook my head. “No, no, I’ll be fine. I’m not due for another three weeks, and I’m feeling just fine. At least, as good as anyone can feel carrying around a watermelon day and night,” I laughed.

We finished our tea, and Mary went back upstairs. I locked up the studio and headed home. I hadn’t told Mary, but I was giving thought to letting the lease go on my studio and moving out of town. As long as I stayed nearby, Bolt would continue to pursue me, and once Jinx was in my arms, there was no way I could hide him. My sister didn’t seem to give a damn what happened to me, so I knew leaving her behind would be no hardship. I also knew, however, that it would mean cutting Bolt from my life, and on a permanent basis.

I was in love with him, and the thought of never seeing him again left me in despair. Essentially my life had come down to protecting my son versus letting him have both parents, because Mary was very right. I knew Bolt well enough to know that if he found out about Jinx, he would want his parental rights. In all honesty, I had to agree that he deserved them. He’d never done anything but be kind and generous to me, and I was being a real schmuck by paying him back with fear and distrust. If only he could find a way to be honest with me. I knew I could overlook the past if we could start again fresh and have an open, honest relationship. I’d given him so many opportunities to promise me that, even if it was nothing more than a promise, but he hadn’t done it. That made me wonder. Why hadn’t he at least lied and said he would, hoping to overcome my objections later on? Was he protecting me from something? Was he protecting someone else?

The whole situation made me feel exhausted and sad. I made myself a few saltine crackers with peanut butter for supper and took a cup of tea with me into the bedroom. I gathered every pillow I owned, trying to support the aching parts of my body that never got a full night’s rest. I rolled like a beached whale beneath the blankets, shoved the pillows into the small of my back and beneath my knees and played music on my phone, hoping to fall asleep.

As Jinx grew heavier within me, the periods between bathroom runs throughout the night grew shorter and shorter. I had them down to where I didn’t even need to turn on the lights. My space was compact, and the soles of my feet knew the textures between the edge of my bed and the cool tile of the bathroom. I didn’t even open my eyes, trying desperately not to awaken fully. It made it so much easier to fall asleep.

I groaned to myself as the need woke me up. I got a little hip momentum going so that I could roll over and maybe even make it to my feet in one motion. I stood up and immediately collapsed back on the bed as a deep aching cramp found its way from my lower back to beneath my belly. I sat on the bed a few moments, waiting for it to pass, and eventually it did. I made my bathroom run and found my way back to the bed, lying down and pushing pillows into position when the ache began again. I laid awake for some time, recalling what I’d eaten that could have given me such indigestion.

The cramps became harder, and it was with a feeling of idiocy that I eventually recognized I might be in labor. The thought made me roll, trying to sit up, but another cramp caught me and made me breathless. I was reaching for my phone when there was an odd, wet sensation around me. Is this the water that’s supposed to break? Jesus!

My first thought was to call for Mary, until I remembered she had left town with her son. So much for my knowing that everything would be OK. Maybe this was my first mom-worry lesson. The only other person I could think to call was my sister, and she would be a long shot. She didn’t even know I was pregnant.

“Natalie?” I waited for her to come out of her grogginess and recognize me. With any luck, she might not be drunk.

“Lilly? Why the hell are you calling me in the middle of the night?”

“I know, I know. I knew you wouldn’t be happy, but this is important. I need your help.”

“What’s wrong? Did you get yourself locked up?”

I decided to resort to Natalie language. “You might call it more knocked up. Look, I’ve been scarce lately because I’m going to have a baby. In fact, if what I’m feeling is the real thing, it could happen within the next twelve hours. I need some help. I’m alone, as you know, and the woman who was going to help me just happens to be out of town. Can you possibly come over and drive me to the hospital?”

There was a long pause. I heard some muttering and a male voice asking several questions. “Kenny wants to know how far apart your contractions are.”

I was completely amazed that she took it in stride. Was it possible she had known already? I couldn’t imagine her holding back on that kind of information. It would’ve been more like her to rub my nose in it. Nevertheless, I wasn’t in a situation to be argumentative. “I haven’t been timing them, but I would guess about ten to twelve minutes.”

I heard her repeat that, and Kenny’s voice took on an urgent tone. I couldn’t understand his words, but the nuances assured me that they wouldn’t turn me down.

“Get dressed, throw some clothes together, and start timing your contractions.”

The call ended, and I realized it was no time for social niceties. She was finally stepping up and being my big sister. She gave me orders that were common sense and helped me hold the panic to a minimum.

Another cramp hit me, and although I hadn’t taken the Lamaze classes, I’d gotten the gist of the idea and was puffing. Whether it was the right time to be effective or not, it made me feel better to think I was doing something to diminish the pain. When it passed, I got to my feet and folded up the blankets and sheets, tossing them into the bathtub until they could get properly washed. I washed myself as best I could at the sink and then pulled on the most comfortable clothing in my closet. I had luckily already packed a small suitcase and set it by the bedroom door, so that part was done.

I looked at the crib, waiting with its blue blankets and stuffed animals. I wished everything was over and that Jinx was lying there, kicking his feet in the air and wanting to be picked up. I knew there was a lot of work between that point and where I was, so I tried to stay calm and went in to lie on the old sofa and wait for Natalie. As an afterthought, I got up and unlocked the doors in case I was in the middle of a contraction when she arrived.

I could feel another one starting and was already dreading the crescendo that began in my lower back and crept around to the front of me. I gripped the throw pillow and moaned, wondering if they could become any worse than they were. I would soon learn that what I was feeling was the bottom of the mountain I had yet to climb.

There was a tap at the door, and I heard the handle turn. I wasn’t worried that anyone was breaking in. If they were, I hoped they had a car and could drive me to the hospital. After all, I had nothing to steal. To my utter shock, it was Bolt’s face that was leaning over mine when I opened my eyes. I tried to sit up with a start. “What are you doing here?”

“Save it. Kenny called me. Let’s get you to the hospital.” His voice was neither compassionate nor angry. It was cold and efficient. I couldn’t blame him. I hadn’t told him about the baby. I decided at this point to concentrate on bringing Jinx safely into the world. I could deal with Bolt later.

“Put your arms around my neck,” he commanded me, and I obeyed without question. He hefted me up against his chest, pushed out the storm door, and strode through the short front yard to the curb where his car waited. He opened the back door and deposited me on the seat. “I’ll get your things.”

I felt another cramp coming, and I knew they were closer. “Bolt, hurry, I think I’m in trouble. They’re coming faster than they’re supposed to,” I called out to him. I heard my front door slam, and then with a whoosh of cold air, he opened the passenger seat, and my luggage was thrown in. There was a second whoosh, and he hit the ignition as he slammed his door. “Where’s your doctor?”

“Norton’s,” was all I could manage. “Oh god, Bolt, this hurts so much more than I thought it would.”

“Hold on. I’ll get you there, and they’ll give you something for the pain. This is normal, and women go through it every day. You’re strong, and you’ll be fine. Just don’t get scared. I’m here with you.”

“Thank you,” I said in a grateful tone.

He cleared his throat. “Is there someone I should call?”

“I already called Natalie, you know that.”

“That’s not who I’m talking about.” His voice was even, almost stern. That’s when it dawned on me. He didn’t know the baby was his. He thought the father was someone else. Part of me was angry that he’d think I was out screwing around, but at that moment, I didn’t care.

“No.”

I knew that was not what he was after, but it was all I could deal with at the moment.

The only thing I heard him mutter was, “No wonder you’ve been avoiding me.” I let it go. I didn’t want to say any more. I couldn’t say any more.

I could see the large red neon letters spelling EMERGENCY as we pulled up to the doors. Bolt went inside and returned almost immediately with the wheelchair. He lifted me from the back seat and put me in the chair, grabbing my bag and holding it against the handles as he pushed me inside. He brought me up to the admissions counter, and the nurse tapped her keyboard and looked up at me expectantly.

“May I help you?”

“I’m having a baby.” I looked to see what Bolt was doing and found that he left me there. I didn’t know whether he had gone to park the car only, or whether he had gone for good. Either way, he got me into the hands of the people I needed most. Maybe he was giving me the privacy to give the nurse the information he didn’t want to hear.

Bolt wasn’t with me as I finished my labor. I had no way of knowing whether this was at his own request, or whether they wouldn’t let him into my room since he was not a relative. Either way, it only took another thirty minutes, and Jinx made his way into the world. They laid him on my tummy, his umbilical cord not yet cut. He was purple and red and covered with goo, and I was instantly in love with him. The doctor severed the cord, and he was taken temporarily as they cleaned him up and pronounced him healthy. They finished up with me and then rolled me to a room. Jinx joined me not long thereafter.

Later that day, someone from the administrative offices showed up with a sheath of papers. She needed insurance information, as well as the details for his birth certificate.

She was a young woman and the tag on her blouse read “Nina.” I pulled out my medical card and handed it to her. When she’d finished with that form, she went on to the next. “Your child’s name?”

“Jackson Bolton Symington,” I heard myself say. I hoped it might be months before I was required to tell anyone his full name. In the meantime, I couldn’t deny my son the right to his parentage.