CHAPTER 39

 

“Should we try it again?” Cate asked in between large gulps of cold water. Her muscles ached, she was absolutely dripping with sweat and she was covered in bruises. She’d never worked as hard as she had the last four days with Vladimir and Alyssa but surprisingly she’d really enjoyed it. Vladimir was very clear about his role in her life; he was there to teach her the Tango and the Show Dance, nothing more. There was no blurring of the lines as there had been with Declan.

She might have felt differently if, like Poppy, she’d been partnered with him for the whole show but after what she’d witnessed with Declan and Ruby, she appreciated Vladimir’s honesty.

Vladimir looked her up and down; the harsh set of his features giving nothing away. He shared a brief look with Alyssa. “You’re ready.”

Cate shook her head. He couldn’t possibly mean that. “Are you sure you don’t want to try that final lift one more time?” She’d never done lifts before and Vladimir had put some of the most difficult lifts she’d ever seen into the choreography for their Show Dance. It was scary; she had to entrust her safety into the hands of a man who she’d only worked with for four days. She wasn’t even sure that he liked her very much. If even the slightest thing went wrong, there was a very real chance that she could end up falling on her head on national TV.

“You’re ready, Cate,” Alyssa insisted. “We’ll see you in L.A. tomorrow.”

Cate walked out of the studio for the very last time and it felt really weird to know that she wouldn’t be coming back there on Monday morning. She and Vladimir had already filmed their “switching the lights off” scene for the camera crew earlier that evening. Vladimir and Alyssa had stayed behind in the gym so Cate was all by herself. She felt a little sad that she hadn’t been able to finish the journey that she’d started all those weeks ago with Declan. She wondered if he would even watch the show online on Saturday night.

Kian texted and asked her to meet him at Volunteer Park. It was a long drive across Seattle, she was physically exhausted and she had an early flight to L.A. tomorrow morning but she turned the key in the ignition and typed the address into the satnav.

When she arrived at Volunteer Park, Kian was waiting for her. “What are we doing here?” Cate asked, the park was so dark and still it was eerie. There was a biting cold wind and she wrapped her scarf around her neck and held her long, black wool coat tight around her body.

“You’ll see,” Kian smiled, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. He led her towards their favourite spot in the park; the Water Tower. It reminded both of them of the tower at Mill Lake back home in England, where they’d had so many of their first dates.

Kian opened the door and guided Cate inside. It was nice to be out of the cold. She looked up and she could see lights flickering from the top of the staircase. “Are we supposed to be here?”

What she saw when she reached the top of the stairs took her breath away. Their wedding quilt was spread out on the floor and there were soft candles in front of each of the windows. “It’s so…” Cate turned to Kian, lost for words, tears pricked the corners of her eyes.

He stroked his knuckles down her soft cheek, “why don’t you sit down?”

Cate knelt down on the floor and watched as Kian retrieved a wicker hamper from underneath one of the wooden benches. He handed her a champagne flute and poured her some fresh, tangy lemonade.

“I love this,” Cate reached for his hand, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Kian chastely brushed his lips over hers. He pulled back, aware that when they kissed, it invariably led to him being inside her and he wanted, foolishly, to prolong the agony.

Kian reached into his pocket and handed her a slightly crumpled envelope. “I thought you might want to see this?”

Intrigued, Cate carefully removed the folded sheet of paper from inside the envelope. “Oh my goodness,” she gasped, “it’s my to-do list. I really thought I’d thrown it away.”

 

Paddle in the Pacific Ocean

 

Cate leaned back against Kian’s chest. She was awash with so many happy memories. This to-do list was so precious to Cate because with her depression, it was easy to just ignore the good times and instead focus on all the horrible things that had happened.

As soon as Lola was old enough, they’d taken her to L.A. and Cate could vividly recall that first day, when they’d stepped under the swaying palm trees on to Santa Monica Beach and she’d felt the warm sand beneath her toes. The air had been scented with the heady combination of fruity sun cream, cinnamon from the countless churro sellers nearby and salt from the Pacific Ocean. There had been a lovely warm breeze coming off the ocean and it had fluttered the hem of Cate’s light, cotton sun dress. Lola had been almost as excited as Cate and she was glad that she’d waited until she could experience it with her daughter. They’d run together, hand-in-hand, across the warm sand towards the vast expanse of glittering ocean.

 

Dye my hair purple

 

Kian stroked his fingers through his wife’s inky-black hair. “I’ve got to admit, I kind of liked the purple.” Cate had cut her long hair into a sleek bob and dyed a strand of her hair purple just before her sister-in-law, Sinead’s wedding. As he’d walked his sister down the aisle, Kian hadn’t recognised his wife in the congregation. That’s not strictly true, a certain part of his anatomy had recognised Cate but thinking she was a stranger, he’d cursed his masculine reaction. They’d been separated for six months. That was the night that she’d finally come him with him again.

 

I want to know what it’s like to be loved

 

Cate reached up and touched the silver locket that she always wore. It had been a gift for her eighteenth birthday and was engraved with the initials “MFH”. Cate hadn’t found out that it was Kian who’d left it by her bedside, after he’d spent the night taking care of her while she’d had flu on the night of what should have been her joint eighteenth birthday party with his sister, Sinead until many months later when they were married and she was pregnant with Lola.

They’d had a big row after he’d been spotted kissing an ex-girlfriend, Alice Devereux, after a function at Manchester Rovers and Cate had left him, spending the night at a hotel adjacent to a motorway service station. After she’d gone, Kian had found her to-do list discarded on the day bed in the back porch and reading this line had felt like being drop-kicked in the stomach. He’d spent half the night searching for her amidst the heavy snow and when he’d found her, he’d told her that he loved her for the very first time. The initials “MFH” stood for My First Half.

 

I want to get a tattoo

 

“I knew it was on the list,” Cate clapped her hands excitedly. The skin on her hip was still a little sore but she didn’t have any regrets. She thought about the matching tattoo on Kian’s ribs – they both had the Chinese symbol for courage. She’d had the same symbol as a henna tattoo on her ankle the night they’d almost made love for the first time. They’d been interrupted by calls from the hospital - Kian’s dad, Eamon, had been in a car accident. He’d died later that night. She’d sat in that sterile waiting room, with EastEnders on the TV, watching Kian try so hard to remain strong for his mum and sister and she’d realised that she was in love with him.

 

I want to be a good mum to this baby

 

“You are an amazing mum,” Kian insisted.

Cate shook her head, “I thought about drowning myself when I was pregnant with Sierra.”

“But you didn’t.”

“Yeah,” Cate gulped. She’d had to do it a lot for her charity but it was still hard talking about her prenatal depression. It made her feel so weak and ashamed. “But even just thinking about doing it makes me a really bad mum. I look at Sierra sometimes and I feel so incredibly guilty that I almost took away her chance of life.”

Cate looked around at the brick walls. It was here that she’d first admitted to Kian that she was depressed.

Kian gripped her chin between his thumb and forefinger and forced her to look at him. “Our children are happy and healthy and that’s all because of you, angel.”

 

I want to go to University and get a degree

 

When she’d found out that she was pregnant with Lola just after she’d finished her A Levels, she’d put off her dreams of going to university. “I didn’t want to be one of those WAGS who just shops and goes to the spa all the time.”

Kian laughed; his wife absolutely hated shopping unless it was for books.

He reached inside the wicker hamper and pulled out a tub of hummus, a plastic bag of carrot sticks and some pretzel chips. “Yum, my favourite,” Cate patted her rumbling tummy. She craved hummus like other women craved chocolate and had done ever since she’d found out she was pregnant with Lola.

“After the children, it’s probably what I’m most proud of,” Cate said, dipping a fresh carrot stick into the pot of spicy hummus. “I definitely couldn’t have done it without your mum though, she was an absolute godsend watching Lola while I was in class or studying.”

“Did I tell you?” Kian said, crunching on some pretzel chips, “Sinead thinks that Mum might have a boyfriend?”

“Wow,” Cate said, taking another bite of carrot. “How do you feel about that?”

“It’s definitely weird,” Kian admitted, “but I guess I just want her to be happy. I think that’s what Dad would have wanted too.”

Cate stroked her fingertips over the panel of pink cotton on their wedding quilt; it was from one of Eamon’s shirts. “Ugh, do you remember when your Aunt Sadie first gave us this quilt and Sinead walked in on you giving me a back massage?”

Cate felt the deep rumble of Kian’s laughter against her back. “It’s not funny. I didn’t have a top on.”

“I don’t need reminding of that,” Kian said with a little husk to his voice.

 

I want to go zorbing

 

“Ooh,” Cate clapped her hands again, oblivious to Kian trying to tamper down his masculine reaction to the image of his wife bent over the bed, half-naked. “That was so much fun.”

“I still don’t get the attraction of being in a massive hamster ball,” Kian shifted. The front of his pants felt so fucking tight.

“Don’t be grumpy just because you couldn’t join in,” Cate teased. Because of his contract with Manchester Rovers, he hadn’t been allowed to do anything which might have risked him getting injured.

Cate had asked Liv to come with them instead. They’d driven out into the Derbyshire hills early one Sunday morning. Kian had leaned back against the bonnet of his Range Rover and sipped black coffee from a flask, with baby Lola fitted snugly against his chest. He’d watched in amusement as his wife and sister-in-law had climbed into those giant inflatable balls.

Cate had rushed up to him afterwards, breathless but excited. Her inky-black hair was all mussed up and her cheeks were bright pink. She’d looked just the same as when she was pinned beneath him about to orgasm. “That was amazing.”

It was still one of the most exhilarating things she’d ever done. She was just sad that Kian had missed out. “You know, there’s a small town over near Forks called Beaver.” Kian spluttered. He was still trying to control his burgeoning erection and hearing his wife say “Beaver” definitely didn’t help. “So childish,” Cate tutted. “It’s the only place you can go zorbing in Washington. I thought that maybe after you’ve retired, we could go? We could both do it this time.”

Kian looked down at the next item on the to-do list and groaned loudly. It was like the universe was definitely trying to test him tonight.

 

I want to have a go on one of those mechanical bulls

 

“I think we can skip over that one,” Kian tried. He absolutely wasn’t going to think about his wife, with no knickers on, straddling that mechanical bull between her soft, creamy thighs.

“What’s the matter?” Cate twisted around. She noticed the muscle ticking in his strong jaw and her eyes dropped to his crotch. “Oh.”

Kian grimaced, “I’m barely holding on here, angel.”

Cate looked back at the to-do list. “There’s only three more. We can skip this one.”

 

I want to run a marathon

 

“That’s the only one I haven’t done yet,” Cate mused, “I wonder if I could do it”.

Kian rubbed her upper arms, “I think this list has proved that you can do whatever you want, angel.”

“Maybe it’s something else we could do together after you’ve retired? I don’t want my insanely sexy husband to get all flabby on me.”

“Do you want me to retire at the end of the season?” Kian asked.

Cate shook her head, “I just want you to be happy. If you decide to sign a contract for another year, you know I’ll support you one hundred percent. The same as if you decide to retire. I guess it just seems like you’ve already made up your mind that you’re going to retire after the play-offs this year. I’ve been thinking about things we could do because it’s going to be a huge adjustment for you and I want to be prepared.”

“I don’t know that I’ve decided anything yet,” Kian said, “what’s next on the list?”

 

I want to find my dad

 

“Yep,” Cate said, “we can definitely scratch that one.”

“You wrote it down.”

“Hey, you vetoed the mechanical bull,” Cate said, “I’m vetoing this. Tonight has been so perfect; I’m not going to let my biological father spoil it. It’s no big deal anyway. We found him, he was a humungous jerk and we all realised that we were much better off without him. End of story.”

 

I want to learn how to tango

 

“The final item on your to-do list,” Kian got to his feet and reached for Cate’s hands, pulling her up to standing. She’d kicked off her shoes and so her feet were bare against the quilt. Kian reached for the belt of her wool coat and tugged her towards him. She felt the insistence of his erection prodding against her stomach. “You wanted to learn how to tango.”

He unzipped her coat and Cate felt the breath hitch in her throat. He pushed it down her arms until it crumpled to the floor, leaving her in just her thin vest and yoga pants. Kian unwrapped the chunky-knit scarf from around her neck, his fingertips grazing her goose bump riddled skin, and dropped it on the floor with her coat.

“I’m so fucking proud of you, angel.”

As he kissed the curve of her neck and shoulder, music filtered into the upper floor of the Water Tower. Cate realised that it was “Whatever Lola Wants,” the song that she and Vladimir would be dancing their Tango to on Saturday night.

“Wait a second… How did you even?”

“I have my ways,” Kian chuckled, anchoring his large hands on her hips.

 As their fused bodies swayed in time to the music, Cate felt hot and shivery. She could feel his steely length rubbing deliciously against her but there were too many barriers still between them; her yoga pants and his black trousers.

Kian snaked his hand into her inky-black hair, grazing his nails against her scalp with just the right amount of roughness.

“The things on the list,” Cate said breathlessly, her words spoken into Kian’s mouth as he sucked on her plump bottom lip. “They aren’t just about me. We did them together.”

Kian dropped to his knees on the quilt and pushed up the front of her vest, exposing the silvery scar which marked her abdomen from giving birth to Lola. “I love you.” He trailed hot, open-mouthed kisses against her skin until she ached with how much she wanted him filling between her legs. Kian teased her yoga pants down her trembling thighs, exposing her healing tattoo. She razed her fingers through his black hair, pulling it free of its ponytail.

Kian teased down the sliver of lace, the last bastion protecting her modesty. She was already so needy for him. The whorls of dark hair framing her pink flesh were slick and matted. He slid his large hand between her thighs, cupping the beating heart of her sex. Cate clapped a hand over her mouth, trying fruitlessly to muffle the hoarse cries being dragged from her throat. He parted her tender flesh and eased two fingers inside her tight channel. She gripped him so tightly.

Kian got to his feet and pressed her back against the rough brick wall. Cate tore at the front of his shirt, eager to feel his bare skin against her fingers. She nuzzled her face against the dusting of dark hair on his chest and closed her lips around his hard nipple. As her hand dipped lower to the waistband of his trousers, Kian gripped her wrists and brought them up around his neck. The air was filled with her sweet, feminine arousal. He feasted on her lips and the depths of her mouth.

When he couldn’t wait even a second longer, he pushed down his trousers and underwear. Cate didn’t need his gentle coaxing to hook her leg around his waist. Her head fell back, her eyes rolling back into her head as she felt the damp tip of his penis against her tender, aching flesh.

Kian slid his hands under her bare, tightly clenched buttocks and lifted her up. He thrust hungrily inside his wife, eager to feel every inch of her wet heat gripping his cock.

Cate clung to him, her arms and legs wrapped tightly around his sweat-drenched torso. “Look at me,” he commanded and Cate struggled to lift her head up from the curve of his shoulder. His eyes smouldered into hers and he rewarded her with a deep screw of his hips, which pushed her frustratingly close to the brink of release. “I want you to look at me when you come.” There was nothing more erotic than watching his wife orgasm.

Kian was barely holding on as he felt her thicken around his cock. She stiffened in his arms and then “oh!” She cried out, her breasts which were still confined by her vest, arched against him. She tried to do as he’d asked and keep her eyes on him throughout but as violent shudders racked her whole body, her eyelids dropped shut, her long lashes fanning out across her flushed skin.

Kian buried his face in the gentle curve of her neck and shoulder, filling his lungs with the intoxicating scent of blackberries and Cate. Every flutter of her orgasm against his painfully hard cock, snipped away yet more strands of his self-control until he was reduced to the most primitive animal. He rutted his hips between his wife’s slender parted thighs.