CHAPTER 9
“She’s getting so big,” Ruby gushed. Sierra was cuddled up on Cate’s lap while she and Ruby chatted on Skype.
“Don’t say that!” Cate stroked her daughter’s soft, black hair. As if she could tell what her mummy was thinking, Sierra snuggled closer to Cate. Since Kian had had the vasectomy and Cate knew for sure that they wouldn’t be having any more children, she wanted her youngest daughter to stay her baby girl for as long as possible.
In the background, Cate saw one of Ruby’s flat-mates walk into her bedroom. “Oops, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“It’s fine,” Ruby shrugged. “Come say hi to my sister.” Ruby introduced the striking young woman to Cate. She looked very gamine; she was wearing black Capri pants and a black polo-neck jumper. Her jet black-hair was fastened neatly in a bun. “Cate, this is Emily, one of my flat-mates.”
“Hi,” Cate smiled. She was pleased to see that Ruby and Emily had finally made friends.
“Hi,” Emily blushed. When she moved closer to the camera, Cate could see that she had really pale skin but the most amazing, electric-blue eyes.
“We watched your show online,” Ruby said. “Everybody thought you were under-marked.”
Emily nodded, “your Cha Cha was fierce.”
“I take it that’s a good thing?” Cate laughed.
“She’s actually really sweet,” Ruby confided after Emily had left the room.
“Ooh,” Ruby clapped her hands together, “before I go, I won’t be able to Skype with you next Sunday. Nico’s taking me to Brighton for a very dirty weekend.”
“Make sure you take lots of condoms,” Cate teased. “That’s how we ended up with Mats.”
“I will,” Ruby giggled, “ugh, I miss him so much. We Skype every night but it’s not the same.”
The screen flickered and then went black. “Ruby?” Cate wiggled the cursor. “Are you still there?”
When the screen came back up, Ruby was frowning. “It’s so frustrating. It keeps doing that. I might ask Emily if she’ll take a look at it. She’s a whiz with computers.”
“How was Ruby?” Kian kissed the top of his wife’s head as he walked into the bedroom.
“She’s missing Nico,” Cate carried Sierra into the nursery. “But she definitely seems more settled now in London.”
Cate put Sierra down in her cot and checked on Mateo and Lola. Lola had the nightlight on and was reading. “It’s time to go to sleep, sweetheart.”
“Just one more chapter, please,” Lola pleaded. “It’s getting to a really good bit.” Cate was proud of the fact that her eldest daughter seemed to have inherited her love of reading so she acquiesced. “OK but don’t stay up too late. You’ve got school tomorrow.”
“Have you talked to Declan yet?” Kian asked as she walked back into their bedroom.
Cate sighed, “today has been perfect. Please don’t ruin it by talking about that lying scumbag.”
“I’m not trying to ruin anything, angel. You’re going to have to talk to him at some point. You’re supposed to be training with him again tomorrow morning.”
“They already think I’m an unprofessional diva. Who cares if I don’t turn up to training?”
“You’ll care,” Kian circled his arms around her waist. “You’re not like that.”
She didn’t want to admit it but Kian was right. “Fine,” Cate grabbed her phone and went downstairs. She let herself out through the back door and walked across the grass to the small wooden dock at the back of the house. The moon was full and shining brightly on Puget Sound. Cate curled her legs up underneath her and dialled Declan’s number. “Please don’t pick up,” she repeated, tracing her fingers over the wooden slats of the dock.
“Cate?” Declan’s Irish accent made her angry all over again.
She looked down at the Sound and thought about how scarily close she’d been to just filling her pockets with rocks and drowning herself in the depths of that dark water. This was nothing.
“Kian thinks I should give you chance to explain,” Cate wanted to make it clear that if it was up to her, she wouldn’t be making this call.
“It was a crappy joke,” Declan said. “I’m sorry.”
“You think it’s funny?” Cate demanded angrily. “You’re unbelievable. I’m not doing this show because I want to be famous. I’m doing it to raise money for 33 Rocks, the charity I set up with my friend, Abby to help women who suffer from prenatal depression.”
“Cate…”
“Do you want to know where I am right now? I’m on the wooden dock at the back of my house. When I was pregnant with Sierra, I sat in this exact spot and I thought about how many rocks I would need to fill my pockets with so I would sink underneath the black water to the bottom of Puget Sound and never resurface. I was so desperately unhappy that I thought about killing myself and my unborn baby. That “crappy joke” doesn’t sound so funny anymore, does it?”
Declan was quiet for a minute, “Hadley’s brother, Jason killed himself when he was seventeen. He jumped in front of a train.”
Cate gasped, “I’m so sorry.”
“That’s why she can’t come with me to America; she can’t get a visa because she has a criminal record for drugs. After her brother killed himself, she was lost to me for over a year. I think what you’re trying to do is amazing. If you can stop even one person from feeling like you, Abby and Jason did, if you can stop one family from having to suffer like Hadley’s did… I would never do anything to jeopardise your charity, Cate.”
Cate sank down onto the dock; all of her anger had seeped away after hearing about Jason.
“Why did you do it? You said you were going back to L.A. a day early for your friend’s birthday.”
“I was. It was Max’s birthday on Thursday.” Max was one of the professional dancers on the show. “He asked me to meet him at the gym because he was still rehearsing with Sarah. After they’d finished, Max went to get showered and dressed and I waited in the empty studio.”
“Why did you say that about my time-keeping?” Cate felt a rolling in her stomach.
“I said it after our very first training session. Do you remember when you kept bruising my toes?”
Cate found herself wanting to believe Declan. “You definitely didn’t say it on Thursday?”
“I didn’t, Cate. If you look at the footage, you never actually see me say those words, do you?”
“I still don’t understand. Why would they want to make me look like such a diva?”
“It’s all about ratings, chara.”
“Will I see you tomorrow?” Declan asked.
“I’ll think about it,” Cate said quietly.
As she walked into the house, the sloshing in her stomach got worse. She barely made it to the kitchen sink before she was sick. “Ow,” Cate clutched her aching stomach muscles as she leaned her forehead against the cool sink.
“You need to go to the doctor’s,” Kian gently rubbed her back.
“I’m OK,” Cate croaked. She gratefully took the glass of cold water Kian offered.
“This isn’t the first time you’ve been sick,” Kian watched her carefully. “If I hadn’t had the vasectomy, I’d think you were pregnant again.”
“You have and I’m not,” Cate was still thinking about what Declan had told her about Hadley’s brother, Jason. She’d had panic attacks and depression during each of her three pregnancies. As sad as she was that Sierra would be her last child, she just couldn’t put herself or her family through that again. She knew how lucky she was that she’d made it through to the other side.