Chapter 22

Taylor

 

The air rushes from my lungs. I didn’t expect him to show up here. He saw me. He watched me strip before he lost control of himself. I watched him storm the stage, and instead of letting him cause a scene, I ran off the stage. His anger was not something I could handle right now. Now, I’m sitting in the dressing room in tears. Welcome to the fucked-up world I call life.

This last week without him around has been torture. Monster is nice and all, but he isn’t Mayhem. I look up at myself in the mirror, the smudged eyeliner and mascara running down my face. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know where I belong or how I fit in this world. My dad doesn’t want me. Mayhem doesn’t want me. Where does that leave me? I thought about taking Beth up on her offer to stay at her place for a while until I can figure my life out, but my dad still has security tailing me every second of every day.

“You gonna tell me why you were on that stage?” His deep voice rumbles through the room making a chill run down my spine.

I should have known he would come after me. I wipe at my face before I turn to look at him. Why does he have to be so fucking cute?

“It’s my job. I told you, the diner wasn’t working out.” His eyes stay on mine, unwavering. It makes me nervous. I want to curl into myself and hide from his glare.

“I told you that shit wasn’t happenin’.” He slides his cut off his shoulders as he moves slowly toward me. My heart beats a little faster as I watch him set it on the counter.

“You have no say in what I do,” I snap back at him.

Mayhem slowly pulls his shirt over his head, revealing his hardened chest as he walks toward me. His abs call out to me. I want to touch them. I want to lose myself in him, but I know better now. He isn’t going to come in here and take back all the pain he’s caused me with sex. I won’t let him.

“Put your clothes back on,” I tell him. He cocks his head to the side, a devilish grin crossing his face.

“You would like that wouldn’t you?” he says. I shake my head when I feel his hands on my shoulders. He rubs them gently. I sigh. His hands send heat soaring inside of me.

“Leave me alone, Mayhem. I’ve been doing fine without you around.”

His fingers tighten into my flesh. “Is that what you want?” he asks, his voice wavering slightly.

I close my eyes before I say, “I’m not her. I won’t try to compete with your past, Mayhem.” When the words leave my mouth, he sighs. His hands leave my skin, and I instantly miss his touch.

“She died, and I never got to say goodbye.”

I open my eyes and look in the mirror to find him slumped against the wall behind me. He’s giving me a piece of himself right now, but do I want it?

“Mayhem. You don’t owe me any explanation,” I tell him. He raises his head and locks eyes with me in the reflection.

“I owe it to us both, Tay.” He takes a deep breath before he continues. “I left her alone that night. She overdosed. I didn’t know she was that far gone. I thought that she used here and there, you know? I was so fuckin’ wrong about her. She had so much in her system when they did the autopsy. I blamed myself. I still do. If I hadn’t been so fucked up, I would have been there for her. Instead, I was out at the clubhouse gettin’ my dick sucked by a club whore because I didn’t want to fight with her.”

I shove out of my chair and move toward him. Wrapping my hands around his arms, I look up at him. “What she chose to do with her life wasn’t your fault, Mayhem. She chose to use that much. She knew the consequences of that. What were you fighting about?” I ask. I feel like I need to know now. I feel like he needs this moment to open up to me. Maybe then he can get past whatever it is that’s haunting him.

“She wanted kids, but I knew I wouldn’t be a good dad. Look at me. I’m shit and I got issues. I knew I couldn’t be what she needed,” he says softly.

I raise my hand and gently run my fingertips down his cheek. “You aren’t shit, Mayhem. She was on drugs, what kind of mom would that have made her? You made the right choice.”

Mayhem pulls his hand up to rest over mine that now cradles his cheek. “You really think so?” he asks, needing the reassurance. How can he not see that?

“You were man enough to say no, Mayhem. You knew the kind of life you lived wouldn’t allow you to be a good dad at the time. There is no blame in that. I think you were strong for saying it to her.” His eyes move between mine. There are so many emotions he holds inside.

“How long have you been having the panic attacks?” I ask. He tries to pull back, but I don’t let him. He needs to get this out in the open.

“I don’t wanna talk about it, Tay.” Shaking his head, he takes a step back. I move closer.

“Please,” I say gently. He studies me for a minute before he nods.

His voice is low and full of pain when he says, “After she died it all hit me. Every time shit would feel off, I’d feel it. It swells up in my chest. My breathing intensifies. Spots form in front of my eyes. The world spins. It scares the hell out of me.”

“You realize there is no shame in that. She meant a lot to you once.”

He nods, his eyes falling to the floor in front of him. “It’s hard to talk about. I still feel that guilt deep inside.”

I lift both my hands, holding his face tightly. “You’re not alone, Mayhem. No matter what you think, I’m here. I’m real.”

Who the hell am I trying to convince? He doesn’t need me. He doesn’t want me. He looks at me like her. I pull my hands away and walk toward the door when he speaks. “Wait.” My feet stop moving even when my brain wants to run. I lower my head and wait for the impending doom of what he’s about to say.

“You’re not her. I know that, Tay. You’re better than she was. You’re smart. You’re sheltered. You make me feel alive.” He stops.

I want to look at him, but I can’t. “But you’re not over her yet,” I say finishing for him. My heart breaks a little more inside of me.

“I don’t know how to be,” he admits.

“She isn’t here anymore, Mayhem. She’s gone!” I yell, turning to face him.

“I know that.” His voice quiet and a bit forlorn as he responds.

“I won’t be around forever, either. Just remember that.” I walk out of the room without him trying to stop me. My heart hurts. My chest is heavy as tears fall down my cheeks.