I almost called in sick. I couldn’t sleep at all during the night, and my head was fuzzy with grief. But the thought of sitting in my dark apartment with my agonizing thoughts and feelings seemed worse, so I dragged my exhausted ass into work.
Patty gave me a worried look as I shuffled past. “Morning,” I said gruffly.
“Good morning.” Her gaze burned into my back, but she didn’t say anything else.
I reached the rear of the clinic, and I went to work like a robot. King kept coming up to me and licking my hand. I patted his head and tried to ignore the depression that wrapped me like a blanket. As the day progressed I was thankful the clinic was busy, and I worked without a break my entire shift. I wasn’t hungry and I just wanted to be with the animals.
Lance left two voice mails on my cell, but I didn’t have the courage to listen to them. Every time I thought of his wounded expression last night, I wanted to cry. I was angry and confused about what to feel. I missed him. I wanted nothing more than to run to him and let him comfort me, but I couldn’t. The fact that his father had defended Garrett in my trial was impossible to wrap my head around.
I was still in shock. Remembering the moment when I’d realized why the photos of his father were so familiar made me nauseous. I felt like I was in a bad movie. This twist was almost too much to handle. I’d been falling in love with Lance. It had been wonderful too; allowing myself to trust and believe in another man had made me feel alive again. After so many years of heartache and loneliness, I’d finally lowered my guard and let Lance in.
I slammed my fist onto one of my workbenches and cringed at the pain that shot through my hand. My fingers throbbed and my eyes stung. I wanted to cry and roll into a ball and pretend none of this was happening. King jumped up on his hind legs, and he licked my face anxiously.
“It’s okay, boy,” I whispered, rubbing his furry head and feeling demoralized.
The back door opened and Patty came out with a bottle of water and a sandwich wrapped in plastic. “You haven’t taken a break all day and you need to eat.” Her tone was inflexible, and I knew she wasn’t going to let me ignore her.
I hid my throbbing hand behind my back. “I’m not really hungry.”
“I don’t care.”
I leaned against my workbench and hung my head. I was so depressed, it was impossible to hide my feelings from her. I took the water bottle and twisted the cap open. Then I drank half the bottle and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.
“Listen, I know you’re a private person.” She grimaced. “But I can keep a secret.”
I clenched my jaw.
“You’ve been here a long time. I’ve never pressed you for anything about your past. But it wasn’t because I didn’t care or didn’t want to know. I gave you your space, and it was obvious you needed that.” She sighed. “But then you started seeing Lance and I thought you were going to be okay. You were like a different person. You seemed happy and hopeful.”
I shrugged and looked away.
“But this morning when you came in… I could see that something bad happened.” Her voice was soft. “Did something go wrong, Scottie?”
I sat on a nearby stool because it felt like my legs were going to give out as a wave of sadness slammed into me. “I broke it off with Lance.”
Her sharp intake of breath made me wince. “Why?”
I shook my head. How could I put into words what had happened? It was too crazy. She probably wouldn’t even believe me. “It doesn’t matter,” I whispered.
She took a step toward me. “Are you serious? You look awful. It obviously matters.”
I kept my gaze down. “There’s nothing that can be done.”
“I don’t believe that. I’ve seen the way you two look at each other. I’ve rarely seen two people so in love.”
My face was hot, and I turned away. “I never said I loved him.”
“Honey, you didn’t have to.”
I sucked in a deep breath. “You don’t understand.”
“Then enlighten me.”
Her expression was filled with compassion. I wasn’t sure why she cared so much, but she did seem to. “It’s not your problem.”
“If I came in looking emotionally wrecked, wouldn’t you want to know why?” She narrowed her gaze. “I know you try and pretend like you don’t have feelings, but I’m onto you.”
I chuffed. “I never said I don’t have feelings.”
“You try and act very stoic. But you can’t even fake it today, and that’s why I want to know what’s up.” She stepped closer. “Did he cheat on you or something?”
I shook my head.
“He obviously did something. But people make mistakes. Even good people. If he screwed up, you should try and forgive him.”
“It’s not like that.” I held her worried gaze. “It’s nothing he did.”
She frowned. “What?”
“It’s complicated.”
She twisted her lips. “Well, breaking up with a guy who didn’t do anything wrong doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.”
I felt an overwhelming desire to confide in her. I had no one to talk to, and studying her expressive face, she seemed sincerely concerned for me. In the years I’d worked for Paws For Care she’d never gossiped about any of the other employees to me. That truth made me feel like perhaps she really was a trustworthy confidante. “You promise if I tell you something personal it won’t go any further?” My voice wobbled.
She nodded. “Swear to God.”
I swallowed hard. “I… I was attacked five years ago when I lived in California.”
Her gaze flicked to my scarred jaw. “Okay.”
“The people who attacked me got away with it.” I finished off the bottle of water before continuing. “God, I can’t even believe what I’m about to tell you.”
“It’s okay.” She pressed her lips together, her eyes dark with concern.
“Lance’s father was the lawyer who defended Garrett, the man who attacked me.”
Her eyes widened and her mouth fell open. “No way.”
I nodded. “Yes.”
“But…” She frowned. “The odds of that are impossible.”
“I know.” I rubbed my tired eyes. “I still can’t believe it.”
“How did you discover this?”
“I was at his mom’s house last night and I saw photos of his dad.” I grimaced. “I just freaked out and I left.” I winced, remembering how confused his mom had looked.
“Oh, wow.” Her eyes were still wide. “Wow. Wow. Wow.”
“I know.” I stared at my clasped hands.
“So you don’t want to be with Lance anymore because of what his dad did.” It wasn’t a question. She studied me with a sympathetic expression. “It would be weird. I understand that.”
“You… you do?”
“Of course. He would be a constant reminder of what happened.”
“Yeah. It’s just so confusing.”
She sighed. “Too bad. You two were wonderful for each other.” She patted my leg.
I was surprised when she didn’t try to convince me to give Lance another chance. I’d expected she would start telling me all the reasons why I should. But when she didn’t, it was kind of disconcerting.
“You think I did the right thing by breaking it off with him?”
She shrugged. “Well, if it’s too painful to be around Lance and his mom, what can you do?” She raised her brows.
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“I mean, of course it will be hard to never see him again.” She gave me a sympathetic glance. “I assume.”
My stomach clenched at her words. “It’s horrible. But I don’t know how I can just pretend it didn’t happen.”
Pulling her brows together, she said, “Oh, that wouldn’t be possible anyway. There’s no way to forget it happened.”
“No.” I sighed. We sat in silence for a moment. “Lance insists his dad would never have taken Garrett’s case if he thought he was guilty.”
“You don’t believe him?”
“I don’t know what to think.”
She rubbed her chin. “Hmmm. I will say that Lance and his mom aren’t exactly shady people. It makes me think Mr. Franklin wouldn’t have been either.”
I frowned. “But he did defend Garrett, and he was guilty.”
“Oh, I believe you. But maybe Mr. Franklin had a good reason.”
I leaned my elbow on the workbench, feeling demoralized. “I can’t imagine what that would have been.”
“Did Garrett have a violent record or anything?”
“I have no idea.”
She straightened and patted my shoulder. “Well, I guess none of that really matters because you just find it too painful to be around Lance now.”
Just hearing his name made me ache to see him. But I couldn’t figure out how to move past the obvious problem of him reminding me of the most painful time in my life. “What would you do?” I grimaced. “I mean if you were me?”
“That’s a tough one.”
“Yeah.”
She grabbed my empty water bottle, and she hesitated. “I guess I’d have to decide if seeing Lance and working through things hurt more than losing him completely.”
“I do miss him,” I said softly.
“That’s promising.” She smiled.
“Is it?” I winced. “Because it just makes this ten times harder.”
“Maybe you can figure out why Mr. Franklin defended Garrett in the first place.”
“How?” I’d always assumed he’d just done it for the money. That was usually what motivated people.
She wrinkled her brow. “I guess that would be hard to do without talking with Lance and his mom.”
“Exactly.”
She threw her hands in the air. “Gosh, I don’t know. If you don’t want to talk to the two people who knew him best, I don’t see how you’d figure out Mr. Franklin’s motivations.”
I pinched the skin between my eyes. “What makes it doubly confusing is how he could defend a man like Garrett when he himself had a gay son.”
“He must have had his reasons.”
I hardened my jaw. “There’s never a good reason to defend a bigoted, violent asshole.”
“Right. If Mr. Franklin knew his client was all those things.”
I scowled. “How could he not know?”
She widened her eyes. “Because people can be very good at hiding stuff.”
My face warmed, because of course she was right. Garrett had obviously fooled me completely. “I wish I knew what to do.”
She shrugged. “I’d love to have a magical solution for you. But only you know what you’ve been through and what you’re willing to give up. I think you and Lance had something special. But it doesn’t really matter what I think.” She moved toward the door, and her expression was compassionate. “Don’t forget to eat your sandwich.”
I watched her leave with my stomach churning. I unwrapped the sandwich and took a bite. I felt almost more confused after talking to Patty. Before our conversation I’d been convinced that, as painful as it was, cutting Lance off was the only way to handle the situation. But now she’d planted a seed of doubt in my mind. Could Mr. Franklin have had some actual reason for defending a monster like Garrett? Was it possible he’d just assumed his client’s innocence?
I knew defense attorneys didn’t need to believe in their client’s innocence to do their job. But from what Lance had said, his dad wasn’t the kind of man who would defend the horrible behavior of Garrett simply for money. Especially since he’d had a gay son of his own. He must have trusted that his client was innocent. But why would he do that?
I pulled my phone from my pocket and stared at it, longing to hear Lance’s voice. I nibbled on the sandwich, and I stared at Lance’s name on my voice mail menu. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to hear what he had to say. I wrestled with my pride and my desire to listen to his voice on my phone.
Finally my need to hear him won, and I pressed the last voice mail he’d left.
“Hey, Scottie. Look, I know you’re upset and confused. But I am too. I meant it when I told you I loved you. Please talk to me. I feel like I’m gonna die if you keep ignoring me. I know we can fix this. But you have to talk to me.”
I snapped my phone shut because the need to see him rocked me to the core. I hardened my jaw and tucked my phone in my pocket. I wasn’t ready to see him or talk with him. I needed time to myself while I tried to figure out my next move.
I stuffed down the rest of the sandwich Patty had brought me, just so she wouldn’t give me a hard time. Then I went back to work and tried to push all thoughts of Lance from my mind.