CHAPTER FOURTEEN

 

 

 

He loves me.

He wants to marry me.

Apple froze, every fiber of her being focused on the beautiful man kneeling at her feet. She opened her mouth, then closed it, her hand coming to her chest.

Benjen could tell something was wrong. “What is it, beautiful? You love me. I love you. Getting married is what people do when they’re in love.”

Apple’s face fell and Benjen’s heart sank. “Apple? Talk to me!”

She slipped from her place to kneel beside him. “I love you. I want to be with you. We can live together, we don’t have to get married.”

Confused, Benjen tried to make sense of what was happening. “A person doesn’t get married because they want to live with someone, they get married because they can’t live without them.”

Apple framed his face. “You are such a perfect man.”

He took her hand, pulling a ring from his pocket. “This belonged to my mother. I’ve been carrying it with me for days, waiting for this moment.”

When he tried to put it on her finger, Apple stood up, moving out of the way.

Benjen hung his head, his chest aching like he’d been kicked by a bull. “Is it too soon?” When she didn’t say anything, he glanced up. “Remember, Daniel took one look at Sara and he knew she was the one he was going to marry. Same way with Yuma and Mom. He proposed the same day they met. I told you this before and I know it sounds crazy, but I felt your presence and recognized you even before I laid eyes on you. We’re meant to be, Apple.”

“I…Benjen, it’s just that…”

Hearing her hesitancy, he jumped to the only conclusion he could reach. “I guess you don’t love me enough, do you?”

This made Apple a little angry. “No, it means I love you too much to marry you.”

At first, he smiled at her admission. She loved him! Then…the crux of her sudden outburst sunk in. Rising to stand beside her, he caught Apple by the arm, gazing at her beseechingly. “What do you mean? I don’t understand. Please explain. You’re breaking my heart.”

“You ought to know.” She hung her head. “You read Alan’s journal.”

Benjen bristled. “Alan was full of shit.”

“Yea, maybe.” She covered her eyes. “And maybe he was right about some things.”

“Like what?” Benjen couldn’t believe what she was saying.

Apple shook her head, obvious dismay visible on her face. “I adore you. I think you’re the most wonderful man in the world.”

“So far, I’m not hearing a problem.”

“Making love with you was perfect.”

“I thought so too. I loved being with you and I can’t wait to be with you again.” He reached for her, ready to prove his point.

She let him pull her close, but she stopped his kiss with two of her fingers on his lips. “Yes, but you’ve only been with me. You have no way of knowing if you’re missing something.”

Benjen stiffened, getting her point. “This is about that shit? Alan’s stupidity?” He got right in her face, his voice raised. “You forget, I know what it’s like to cum inside you. Being with you, making love to you, was fucking amazing!”

“Only because you don’t know any difference.”

He shrugged. “I don’t want to know any difference. I don’t intend to sleep with anyone else. Ever.”

Apple groaned. “One day you might not feel that way.”

“No. I won’t. When I’ve found exactly what I want in life, who I want – why would I ever look elsewhere?”

She let out a small moan of frustration and hugged herself tight. “You have to give yourself a chance to find out for sure.”

“How? What do you want me to do?” he asked slowly, her point finally dawning on him. “Oh, hell. Are you saying you want me to fuck someone else to make sure I’m not making a mistake loving you?”

Apple backed away. When he said it out loud, pain at the thought of him being with someone else knifed through her. Is this what she meant? “You make it sound so horrible.”

“It is horrible!” He couldn’t believe what she was asking him. “I can’t believe this. I love you more than life and you don’t trust my feelings. You don’t think I know my own mind. You think I’d hurt you like Alan did…” He paused, hands on hips, looking at the floor. “You don’t trust me.”

“No.” Apple was emphatic. “That’s not it. At all. I just want you to…”

“Shop around? Play the field? Sow my wild oats?” His breath was coming in harsh pants. “You don’t know me at all. I waited for love. I waited for you!”

Feeling confused and upset, Apple reached for him. “I don’t know what I mean. Please, don’t be mad.”

“Oh, I’m not mad. I’m…” He waved his hand in the air, giving her a hurt look. “I’m outta here.”

To Apple’s dismay, Benjen walked out of the house, climbed into his truck and drove off. Hurrying to the window, she watched until he was out of sight.

 

* * *

 

“Well, I did it. I ran him off.” She paced back and forth in her tiny kitchen. “I’ve got no one to blame but myself.”

Apple felt like pulling her hair out. “What did I do?” She felt empty. Powerless. Alone.

“Oh, I did the right thing. For him. The fair thing.”

Sliding to the floor, she leaned against the wall. Rose came up to lick her face. “Rose, if what I did was for the best, why do I feel so miserable?”

The dog barked once, her signal that she needed to be let outside. Rising, Apple went to the door. “Come on. I’ll go with you.”

Shutting the door behind them, Apple led the way. She took off running. In her heart, she wanted to disappear. To run as far and fast as she could go.

Taking off through the meadow, she’d gone some distance before she realized in what direction she was heading. Apple let her steps slow to a stop. If she kept going, she’d end up at the Blackhawk ranch. “Oh, no, you don’t.” Her body and heart were working against her. “He’s gone now.” She grabbed the Shepherd’s collar and held it like a lifeline. “What do they say?” she asked as she watched a butterfly flitting from wildflower to wildflower. “If you love someone, let them go. If they come back to you, they’re yours. If they don’t, they were never yours to begin with.”

Words to live by, but the idea she’d hurt him nearly brought Apple to her knees. “He’ll never forgive me.”

…Almost home, Benjen was operating on automatic. He kept the truck moving in the right direction down the narrow farm-to-market road, but he saw little of the scenery he was passing. The sun was high in the eastern sky, sending super bright rays through the mirrors on the side of his truck. He shifted his head to avoid the glare, which sent an uncomfortable spiky sensation into his sensitive blue eyes. Today, Benjen ignored the discomfort, because the pain in his heart was far worse.

Apple’s idea that he should see someone else devastated him. How had he failed? Looking back, Benjen wondered what he could’ve said or done to make her feel more secure in their relationship. Not too many hours ago, he’d been so sure everything was perfect between them. How could he have been so wrong? “Damn Alan Cates! Damn him to hell!”

As he continued on down the road, a blur from the side caused him to jerk his head around. When he did, a big whitetail buck was darting right in front of him. Benjen slammed on his brakes and swerved to the left – hard. Sam’s poor truck bounced across the ditch and plowed into the fence, crashing through several posts before coming to rest against the trunk of a big pin oak. The air bag didn’t deploy and he cracked his head against the steering wheel. Agony lanced through his head and all he could do was shut his eyes and seek out the relief of blackness.

…Once Apple returned to the house, she threw herself into cleaning the house. Nothing really needed scrubbing, but she took out her frustration and worry on the kitchen cabinets and bathroom sink.

When the phone began to ring, she jumped a foot. Despite her decision, Apple couldn’t help but hope the caller was Benjen Blackhawk. Rushing to find her cell, she picked it up but the ID said ‘caller unknown’.

“Hello?”

“Senora Cates!”

As before, a woman began speaking what sounded to her like gibberish.

“I’m sorry. I don’t speak Spanish,” she insisted loudly.

Her caller kept talking, but this time Apple recognized two words in English. ‘Baby’ and ‘sick’.

“Who’s sick? Who are you? Why are you calling me?”

For a moment she considered this might be about someone’s animals.

“Are you trying to get in touch with Dr. Cleveland?”

Another round of unintelligible words assaulted her ears.

“I’m sorry. I can’t help you. I’m sorry,” she repeated.

A loud burst of static ended the call and Apple was left feeling even more disturbed than previously.

With a heavy heart, she picked up some folded clothes that needed to be put away. As soon as she passed through the door to her room, Apple was hit by the sight of her bed. No longer did she see just a piece of furniture, now she could see the image of Benjen as he held her – Benjen as he kissed her – Benjen as he made her his. Hit by the vivid memories of the time they’d shared, Apple wanted to cry. She sat down on the edge of the bed and soothed her hand over the covers, then picked up the pillow where he’d rested his head, crushing it to her chest. “Being noble sucks.”

 

* * *

 

Apple halfway expected Sara to cancel their coffee date. Truthfully, she almost canceled it herself. After the way she and Benjen parted, she couldn’t imagine what she would say to his sister-in-law.

Honk!

The sound of a car horn behind her brought Apple out of her daze. She pressed the gas pedal and moved through the intersection, putting on the blinker to turn into the coffee shop where she was supposed to meet Sara Blackhawk.

Focusing on finding a parking place, she didn’t see the woman walking toward her car until Sara tapped on the glass. Apple rolled it down with a smile. “Hey, Sara. Sorry I’m a few minutes late. I was clipping a contrary tomcat’s nails.”

“Unlock the door.” Sara pulled on the door handle.

Apple was confused, but she did as the woman asked. “What’s wrong? Do you want to go somewhere else?”

“Yea. The hospital. Seton on 2900. I just found out Benjen was admitted last night.”

“What?!” Apple felt her heart fall to her knees. “Why? What happened?”

“He wrecked on his way home trying to avoid a deer.”

A wave of nausea swamped Apple. “How is he? Was he badly injured?”

“Calm down.” Sara touched Apple’s arm as she pulled back out into the road and headed for the hospital. “I don’t think so. Daniel talked to him earlier, he’s over there with Benjen now. I think they kept him for observation. Anyway, we’ll find out all the details when we arrive.”

“God, I pray he’s okay. I think this was my fault. We had a…disagreement. He was very upset with me when he left my house.”

“Don’t blame yourself. You didn’t chase that deer onto the road.”

“No, but he might have been paying more attention if I hadn’t…” Apple wiped tears from her eyes.

“Hadn’t what?” Sara urged her to finish the sentence she’d begun.

Apple didn’t know what to say. This woman was a member of Benjen’s family.

“You care for him, I can tell. Whatever you said to him, I can’t imagine you meant him harm. Apple, you can talk to me. I may be married to a Blackhawk, but that fact only lends me understanding in how hard-headed they can be.”

“He asked me to marry him.”

“That dog!”

“Stop.” A nervous, upset giggle burst from her lips. “It’s not funny.”

“I guess you turned him…down.” Her half-formed question sounded extremely doubtful.

“I’m afraid he isn’t ready. I think I’m the first person he’s dated since…”

“Kelli. Yea. I wouldn’t exactly say yours was a rebound relationship. It’s been over a year since she passed.”

“Benjen loved her very much.” She wasn’t about to tell the intimate things he told her. Sara might be his sister-in-law, but she wasn’t necessarily in the know about his love life.

“Yes, and he spent an entire year saying goodbye to her. I don’t think you have anything to worry about on that score. Of all the brother’s Benjen is the most thoughtful. He looks at things deeper. If he told you he loved you – he does.”

“I only want what’s best for him.” Apple put her blinker on to turn onto the road where the hospital was located. “I just wasn’t sure the best was me.”

Sara dug in her purse and found some tissues. “I think you two are perfect together. I’ve never seen him happier than since he’s met you.” She pulled a tissue from the packet and handed it to Apple. “Now blow.”

…Benjen plopped his Stetson on top of his head. “I’m fine. My head is hard. I’m leaving. There’s somewhere I have to be.”

Daniel and Sam blocked the exit.

“You’re going to wait until the doctor releases you.” Daniel was emphatic.

“Yea,” Sam insisted. “We’ll cover your chores.”

“I’m not worried about the ranch…” His protest ended abruptly when he saw who was standing behind his brothers. “Apple?”

Apple sagged against the door facing. He was on his feet. He was pale but standing tall.

Benjen pointed toward the door and nodded. “If you two would excuse us, I need to speak to Apple. Alone.”

Apple stood back while Daniel and Sam filed out. Sara met them and they moved down the hall to the waiting room.

“Close the door behind you.”

Apple was shaking as she did as he asked.

“Apple…”

She still had her back turned to him when he said her name, his voice cracking just the smallest fraction. He spoke softly, but the emotion contained in that one word took her breath away. Her feet moved of their own accord. Nothing could’ve kept her from his embrace.

One moment she was apart from him – and the next, she was in his arms. “Oh, Benjen, I’m so sorry.” She ran her hands over his body. “Where are you hurt?” He felt strong. Solid to the touch. The fact that her misguided protest had been the cause of his accident almost crippled her.

“I’m fine. Just a little bump on the head. Damn deer.” He tossed his hat on the bed and buried his face in her neck. “No, I’m really glad I didn’t hit it.”

“I know you are.” She squeezed his biceps as hard as she could. “If anything would’ve happened to you, I would die.”

“I’m glad you came.”

“You are? Sara told me when I met her for coffee.” She stroked his hair. “You should’ve called me.”

“It all happened so fast and when I came to in this room, I used the quiet to think about what you said.”

Despite her previous assertions, Apple felt crushed. He was about to tell her that he’d thought about her suggestion – and agreed with her. Yes, she wanted what was best for him – she just wanted what was best for him to be her. “Okay.”

He led her to the bed, where he sat down, and steered her to stand between his legs. “Knowing your past, this reaction to my proposal shouldn’t have come as a surprise.” He framed her face. “I hate what that bastard did to you. I hate that he stole your confidence.” Benjen kissed her gently. “If anyone should have confidence in their beauty, in their sex appeal, in their ability to please their partner – baby, it should be you.”

She wanted to believe him so much. “I don’t know what to say.”

“You could say yes.”

Apple ached to do as he asked, but she still had these torturous doubts. “I want to.”

He could see the wheels turning in her sweet head. “You’re afraid that you won’t be enough for me. I’m telling you you’re wrong.”  

“I know there are no guarantees,” she whispered softly.

“No, there aren’t, honey. But I’m as close as anyone could ever get.” He put a finger under her chin so she’d look up at him. “I’ll tell you what, let me give you a new proposal. I’m going to take you up on your offer for us to move in together.”

“Really?” She stared at him, trying to read his thoughts on his face. “Why?”

He chuckled and kissed her on the nose. “Why do you think? I’m going to do everything in my power to change your mind. To wear you down. To prove to you that I’m the real deal. That what we have is real and lasting.”

With her mind awhirl, she could think of several arguments – but none she wanted to make. “For the record, I never doubted you. I doubted myself.”

“The grass is not always greener, love. Sometimes a person is right where they want to be.” He cuddled her close. “And with you, in your arms, in your bed is the perfect place for me. We’ll wait until you agree with me – but I’m not going anywhere. I don’t want anyone else.” He took her hands in his and brought them to his lips. “Don’t you think I looked around? I wasn’t unaware of women. I was celibate for a reason. I’m not bragging when I say I’ve been propositioned more than a few times. I was never even tempted…until you.”

“I love you so much.” She kissed him full on the lips. “Don’t ever doubt it. You have come into my life and been just what I needed, just who I wanted.”

“And?” He prompted needing to hear the words.

“And the answer is yes to your new proposal. I want to live with you.”

He gave her a smile that showcased those signature dimples of his. “That’s my girl.” One day soon, he hoped to hear her say yes to his original proposal – but for now, he’d make a place for himself in her life.

A tap on the door caused them to look up to see the doctor coming in with Benjen’s chart. “I hear you’re pulling at the reins to get out of here, Mr. Blackhawk.”

“Places to go. Things to do.” He picked up his hat. “I just stopped by for a little nap, Doc.”

“Well, I know the nurses were glad to have you.” He looked at Apple. “Benjen is a favorite around here. He’s charmed everyone on staff with those little caps he knits the babies.”

“I’m sure.” He certainly charmed her.

The doctor turned his attention back to Benjen. “You’re lucky, young man. The X-rays show no damage. You don’t have a concussion. Just pay better attention to your driving.”

“Yea, next time just take the deer out and bring us home some venison,” Easy piped up from behind the doctor.

Apple saw Benjen’s face brighten. Since she hadn’t seen Easy in the room before, she had to assume he’d just arrived.

“Hey, I thought you were already on the road,” Benjen said to his brother.

“I wasn’t too far down the line to keep me from coming back to check on you.” Easy came over to give him a hug. “How’s that hard head?”

“Fine.” He smiled as he signed the release forms. “Thanks, Doctor.”

As she stood close to Benjen, with his hand on the small of her back, Apple caught Sara’s eye and smiled. The other girl gave her a slow wink, acknowledging the fact that things looked to be fine between her and Benjen.

While Benjen talked to his brothers, she said a quick goodbye to Sara. “Let’s try this again soon. Okay?”

“Yea, preferably without any emergencies involved,” Sara agreed. “I have an idea, I’ll talk to some of my friends and we’ll make a girl’s night out soon.”

“Sounds perfect.” The two girls embraced, then Sara went to join her husband, since she needed a ride back to her car. Apple waited while Benjen talked to his brothers, unsure of what would happen next. She watched him give Easy another hug, then speak quietly to Sam. Whatever Benjen said to him, Sam nodded his agreement, clapping him on the back. To her surprise, Sam and Easy gave her a friendly wave, then headed for the exit – leaving Benjen and Apple alone.

“Ready?” he asked her. “Since I totaled Sam’s truck and arrived in an ambulance, I’m going to have to ride with you, gorgeous.”

“Of course, yes.” The idea thrilled her. When she arrived, she certainly wasn’t expecting he would be going with her. He held out his arm and she stepped close to his side. “So…how will this work?”

“Wait! Wait! Hold up, Mr. Blackhawk!”

They stopped to see this elderly little candy-striper hurrying down the hall pushing a wheelchair.

“What are you up to, Ethel?” he asked with humor and affection in his voice. “You don’t think I’m going to ride in that contraption, do you?”

“Oh, I know you are, you big hunk of handsome. You aren’t going to put a black mark on my record, are you?”

Benjen sighed. “You know how to get your way, don’t you?” He winked at Apple. “Apple, this is Ethel Lohman. She pretends to be a volunteer, but she actually runs this place.”

“Hello, Ethel.”

Apple was very still while Benjen’s friend looked her up and down. When she turned to Benjen and said, “You did good. She’s cute as a button,” Apple felt immense relief.

Turning to Apple, she gave her a finger shake. “Take good care of him. This is one of the good ones.”

“Oh, I know he is. I’ll do my best.”

To Benjen’s chagrin, he let Ethel push him to the door while Apple hurried out to get her car. Once she pulled up into the circle drive, Benjen was standing beside Ethel and ready to get inside. She reached over and opened the door for him, her nerves dancing from sheer excitement. After he was seated and belted in, she looked at him closely. “Are you sure you’re okay? Do you need to get a prescription filled?”

“I’m good.” He held his hand up and pointed his finger toward home. “Are you through for the day?”

His question caused her to gasp. “I was on my lunch hour.” She grabbed her phone. “Let me call in and explain.”

Fairly frantic, Apple called Dr. Cleveland and apologized profusely, explaining what happened and offering to drop Benjen off and come back in. Thankfully, the vet understood completely, and directed her to take the rest of the day off and she would see Apple in the morning.

“Thank you, Dr. Cleveland, I appreciate you very much.”

“Everything okay?” Benjen asked once she was off the phone. “You didn’t get in trouble for coming to me, did you?”

“Everything’s fine. She was very nice. I’m lucky to have her as a boss.”

Benjen took a deep breath, sinking down in the seat, obviously content. “You won’t regret this, Apple. I promise you. We’re going to be so happy.”

“I know.” She took a couple of deep breaths, trying to put everything into perspective. “How are we going to do this?”

He glanced over at her, seeing how tightly she was gripping the steering wheel. “Hey, don’t look so worried. I will never make you regret the decision to be with me.”

She looked at him briefly, then back to the road. “Benjen, don’t ever think I don’t want to be with you. You have brightened my life and made me so happy. Any doubts I have are not about you.”

He knew that wasn’t exactly true. She did doubt herself, but she also doubted his ability to stay true to his commitment. Although this hurt him, he understood how she was only going by what she’d experienced. “I’m going to do whatever it takes to prove to you that I am yours. Completely.”

His adamant declaration warmed her heart. She felt the burden of uncertainty begin to lift. “Okay.” She glanced at him again, putting on her blinker to turn on to the road toward their homes. “I believe you and I want this to work more than anything. So…where are we going right now? My house or yours? I’m sure you need to pack.”

“Hmmm, yea. Let’s go to the Rock House and I’ll pack a bag. I want to split our time between the houses. I want you to feel as much at home on the ranch as I do. Eventually, we’ll move there full time – when you’re comfortable with it.”

“I like the sound of that and I agree.” Apple placed her hand on her chest to calm the beating of her heart. “I’m excited.”

He cupped the back of her head, stroking her hair. “Me too. This is the beginning of our grand adventure. I plan on making sure you’re the happiest woman in the world. I promise.”