Benjen at 22
“So, you’re getting married? Does Daniel know?” Sam asked as he and Benjen rode behind a herd of cattle they were moving to a new grazing pasture.
“I haven’t talked to Daniel and I’m not getting married. Not right away.” Benjen grinned at his brother. “I’m getting engaged. Big difference.”
“Not the way I see it. Both spell the end of all good things.”
“Depends on how you look at it, I guess.” Benjen hid a smile. Sometimes he felt older than all of his brothers. “Mom and Dad had a great marriage.”
“Yea, I guess it all hinges on ending up with the right woman.”
“True. And I have.” Benjen was certain of that fact. “Kelli is the one for me. I can’t imagine my life without her. We’ve been inseparable since the moment we met – almost four years ago.”
“True. Where we see one of you, we usually see the other one.”
“We finished high school together, we went to college together, we’ve planned our life together and now…”
“Now, you’re ready to get to the good part?” Sam leered at his brother.
“Yea.” He wasn’t going to say more. What went on between him and Kelli was private. “I’m headed over tonight to ask her father for her hand.”
“I bet it’s not only her hand you’re interested in.”
“You’re so crude.” If his brothers knew he and Kelli were waiting until they were married to have sex, they’d have something to say about it and Benjen didn’t want to hear it. What he and the woman he loved did, or didn’t do, when they were alone together was their business. “Have a little respect. Kelli is a lady.”
“She’s nice. And pretty. I’ll give you that.” Sam punched him playfully in the arm as their mounts drew near one another on a narrow part of the trail. “You’re a lucky guy.”
“I am.” He wouldn’t argue with the truth, that was for sure. “You know, I’m proud of our family.”
“Yea?” Sam guided his horse around a big mud puddle. Rain had fallen the night before, hard and steady for more than an hour. Dust had settled and the land seemed to glow with gratitude, the colors of the Earth looked vibrant. The air smelled fresh and the sky was a robust blue. “How so?”
“After Father was killed, there were people who expected us to fail.”
Sam chuckled. “Hell, there were folks praying for us to fail. This is prime Hill Country property; more than one person had their sights set on acquiring Blackhawk Ranch.”
“True, but we fooled them. With Daniel at the helm, we pulled it off.”
“We worked our asses off, you mean. Especially you. You went to college and still managed to come home most nights and every weekend to do what was needed with the cattle and whatever else was going on at the time. Even that girlfriend of yours pitched in at every opportunity.”
Sam’s praise of Kelli made Benjen smile. “She’s going to fit in perfectly with our family. Plus, she’s going to make me the happiest man in the world.” He couldn’t wait to make the pretty lady his wife.
As they rode along, Sam pointed at a young sorrel mare rolling in mud. “I guess we’d better pick up some more fly dope.”
“I want to try something different this time. Mixing garlic powder in their feed.”
Sam chuckled at Benjen’s suggestion. “Are we going organic? You didn’t learn that at A&M, did you?”
“You’d be surprised what I learned at Aggieland.”
“Next thing I know you’ll be wanting to pipe opera music out into the fields to soothe their little nerves.”
Benjen was about to respond to Sam’s sarcasm when the sound of approaching hoofbeats drew their attention. “Wonder what’s up?” Bringing their mounts to a halt, they waited as Easy and Daniel joined them.
“Is the house on fire or were we contacted by aliens?” Sam asked in his usual dry delivery.
It only took one glance at his brothers’ faces for Benjen to know something was wrong. He’d seen that look on Daniel’s face twice, once when his mother passed and the other when their father was killed. “What’s wrong?”
Daniel and Easy looked at one another and then at Benjen, as if they dreaded putting their message into words.
“Tell me. What’s happened?” In the few seconds this exchange was taking place, his brain was racing at the possibilities – and it only came up with the unfathomable. “Is it Kelli?”
“She…she collapsed, Benjen. Her father just called.”
Benjen didn’t wait to hear more. He urged his horse into a gallop and set out for home. His heart was racing in his chest and his mind had ceased to function.
“Stop!” Daniel rode up beside him, keeping pace, reaching over to grasp the reins of Benjen’s horse. “Stop!”
Benjen tried to push his arm away. “I’ve got to get to her, Daniel!” he shouted, tears running down his cheeks. He knew in his heart what his mind didn’t want to accept. Sometimes he hated the wisps of foreknowledge that would come to him like trails of smoke.
“She’s gone.”
“No, she’s not. She’s fine.” There was no other acceptable reality. He struck out at Daniel. “Let me go.”
“We’ll go, yes. Of course. But I need you to listen to me a minute.”
Three brothers surrounded the fourth, willing their strength to become his.
If the words didn’t reach his ears, he could deny the horrific truth. “I don’t want to hear.” His voice was harsh and his vision was clouded by tears.
“It happened so fast. They rushed her to the hospital, but it was too late. The doctor’s say she had a brain aneurysm.”
“No!” The resounding cry of Benjen’s grief rent the countryside. The wind died down, the birds grew quiet, everything seemed to pause out of respect for so great a heartache.
* * *
After saying goodbye to Kelli, Benjen fled to the top of Packsaddle Mountain. He’d promised his father that he’d study his teachings and the teachings of their ancestors, but since meeting Kelli and going to college, he’d postponed those things. Now, when faced with the worst grief a man can bear, he wished he’d listened more, learned more from the buckskin journal.
Walking to the edge of the cliff face, he stood at the very highest peak, his face turned toward the dying sun. He stripped off his shirt and raised his arms in supplication. How could he go on? What was the purpose of this travesty? One day Kelli was more alive than anyone he’d ever known – sweet, kind, the light of his world – the next, she was gone, her life snuffed out by a hidden time bomb in her brain. “Heh-ya-heh…” he began to chant repetitively, bowing his head and calling upon the spirits of his ancestors to give him solace. To illustrate his torment, Benjen took a knife from his pocket and opened the blade. Placing the tip at his collar bone, he dragged the sharp end over his flesh, opening a gash to the middle of his pectoral. Blood began to flow down his chest in a scarlet rivulet. Ignoring the pain, he picked up his long hair, gathering it in his palm. As another act of abject sorrow, he lifted the knife, slicing off a great length of his hair, throwing it to the ground.
Over and over, he danced in a tight circle, using words his father taught him to give voice to his sorrow, to say goodbye to the woman with whom he’d planned on spending all the days of his life. As he wept, he remembered all the things they’d shared – their hopes, their dreams, plans for a family – he also recalled how it felt to hold her, to kiss her, how her soft voice brought him peace.
Among the regrets of lost tomorrows, Benjen mourned the fact he’d never made Kelli his own. Not completely. In honor of her faith, she’d wanted to wait, to come to the marriage bed pure – and because he loved her above all, he’d agreed. And now, he’d never know the rapture of being one with his soulmate.
“Heh-ya-heh-ya-heh…” Again and again, he raised his voice, pouring out his anguish and despair. With every breath he drew, he immersed himself in memories. Despite his remorse over never knowing the full joy of making Kelli his wife and becoming one with her – he could never regret one moment they’d spent together.
She’d taught him the joy of loving his best friend.