Apple at 22
“He’s coming home. He’s coming home!” Apple raced around, finishing last minute preparations for her husband’s arrival. “I want everything to be perfect. This time we’re going to get our marriage back on track.”
She fluffed the pillows on the couch, put up her knitting project, then ran to the kitchen to take a cake out of the oven. Once she’d put it on a rack to cool, she rushed to the bedroom to make sure the surprises she’d purchased were all in order. “Negligee, lube, massage oil. All set.”
Next, she stopped by the bathroom to apply a bit more lip gloss. As she tidied her hair, she gave herself a pep talk. “You got this, girl. He’s going to be so glad to see you. It’s been so long. We’re going to burn those new red satin sheets up. I know we haven’t been on the same page lately, but this is our chance to make everything right. I’ll cook for him. Give him time to write. We’ll reconnect and he’ll fall in love with me all over again.”
Even as she cheered herself on, Apple felt a twinge of self-doubt. They’d been married almost five years, yet they’d only spent a fraction of that time together. Between their almost constant separation and the loss of their baby, she and Alan had faced hurdles most couples didn’t have to face. “Stop it. You can work through this. You’ve been in love with him for half your life.” They’d grown up together, her father working for his father, their mothers were best friends. She could remember family meals, shared vacations, church outings, and company picnics. From the time they were toddlers, it was assumed they’d end up together. Finding out she was a perfect match to give him a kidney when his life hung in the balance, seemed to Apple to be a sign they were meant to be together forever.
Despite all of this, there were still times when she felt she didn’t know her husband at all. Both were so young when they married. Now, Apple understood Alan’s hand had been forced by their folks. Living in a small town, being active in their church, having conservative values – all these things dictated that they expected their son to ‘do the right thing’ when she became pregnant – regardless of his personal feelings. Looking back, Apple realized she’d entered into the relationship with blinders on, seeing only what she wanted to see. Several times, she tried to broach the subject with Alan, but he’d never acted comfortable with the topic.
To further add to the uneasiness, both of Alan’s parents had passed the previous year. The inheritance he’d expected to receive didn’t materialize. Unbeknownst to his son, Alan’s dad overextended himself and when the will was read, the outstanding bills ate up the life insurance proceeds and what was left of the savings.
Despite all the obstacles, her heart was set on making their marriage work. “I love you more than anything, Alan Cates. I’m not giving up on us.”
When the time came, she drove the short distance to Goodfellow Air Force Base to await the military plane that would bring members of his unit home for their scheduled leave. Along with the other wives, she waited in the designated area. She was acquainted with a few of the other women, but Apple’s job at the local veterinarian kept her busy. Socializing wasn’t her thing. Maybe the fact that the other women had one or two children played a role in her hesitation to seek out their company. Reminders of the loss of her little girl hurt too much.
When the plane landed, she could hear the cheers and excitement begin. Standing to her feet, she moved closer, anxious to get that first glimpse of Alan. With hands clenched, she stood on tiptoe, looking for his signature pale blond hair and lanky frame. One by one, the soldiers came forward with big smiles on their faces, scanning the crowd for that one special person who’d come to welcome them home. Strangely enough, they cast odd glances her way, some bowing their heads, some giving her weak smiles. Keeping her own smile pasted on her face, she waited…and waited. Finally, the line of servicemen dwindled down to just a handful. Apple moved forward, keeping her eye on the opening to the transport plane. When another figure darkened the door, she felt her heart jump in anticipation. “Oh…” It wasn’t Alan, it was his commanding officer.
Not knowing what else to do, she stood her ground and waited while he approached, carrying some type of box in his arms. At first, she hadn’t anticipated he was coming to speak to her. Maybe Captain Holcomb could tell her why Alan didn’t arrive with the others.
“Ms. Cates?”
“Yes, sir. I’m Apple Cates.” They’d met before, but she couldn’t imagine why he would remember her. “Where’s Alan? Why didn’t he get off the plane with everyone else?”
Holding the brown cardboard box in one hand, he placed the other in the small of Apple’s back. “Let’s go inside and sit down for a moment.”
His careful attitude caused her heart to start beating faster. She could sense something was wrong. “Did he get reassigned? Sent on a special mission?”
Captain Holcomb maintained his intent to wait to speak until they were inside the administrative building. “Let’s sit.” He directed her to a chair.
By this time, Apple was shaking. Something was undoubtedly wrong. “Tell me, please.”
“Well, um. Hell. I’m not sure how to say this. I’m not usually the bearer…”
“Of bad news?” Apple began to cry. “He was killed?”
Captain Holcomb held up his hand. “No. No.”
For some reason, his denial didn’t make her feel any better. “What then…sir?”
“I didn’t want to tell you on the phone and I didn’t want the Notification Officer to drive up at your home and…”
“Oh, my God.” Apple placed a hand to her throat, her breath coming in shallow pants. “I don’t understand.”
“Five days ago, your husband went out on a military exercise. He got separated from his unit and when they all arrived at the extraction point, he didn’t show up. I sent out a search team, but they didn’t find anything.”
“You think he’s dead, don’t you?” A pang of unbearable anguish ripped through her breast.
“Unfortunately, we don’t know for certain. As of now, Staff Sargent Cates’s status is Missing-In-Action.”
“Missing-In-Action?” The only place she’d heard that term was in the history books and movies. “So, you think he’s been taken hostage?”
He frowned. “No one has taken credit. No evidence has been found. We haven’t made that jump in our fact-finding mission. I can assure you a team is looking for him now. As soon as they make any type of determination, you will be informed. Immediately.” He cleared his throat and held out the box. “Since we were coming stateside for reassignment, I brought his personal things.” The captain patted the top of the container. “His journal is in here. I apologize, but our intelligence team went through it and redacted any sensitive information.”
“Oh. Okay.” She took what he offered and ran her thumbs over the rough paper, tears streaming down her cheeks. “I didn’t know he still kept a journal.”
For a second or two they sat in silence. Apple felt lost. She’d come to take her husband home and now she would be returning without him. Without answers. A feeling of helplessness swamped her.
“Look, Ms. Cates, I’m so sorry to spring this on you. I know you must be feeling confused and frustrated.”
Apple stared at him. He had a kind face. The captain reminded her of the iconic Mr. Rogers. “Honestly, I don’t know what to think.” A faint giggle slipped from her lips and she lifted her hand to cover her mouth, knowing the response was out of place. “I may be in shock.”
Captain Holcomb placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. “I’m sure you are. Is there anyone I can call to come for you?”
Apple shook her head. “No. I don’t have any family close by.” Her parents had moved from Texas to Florida the previous year, fulfilling her father’s dream to retire to a place where he could fish every day. “Someone will keep me updated? You have my number?”
“Yes, absolutely,” he assured her. “I apologize for not calling you earlier.”
“No.” Apple shook her head. “Hearing the news in person is better.” She swallowed nervously, then took a deep breath. “I want to ask you how long until I know…but I know you don’t have an answer.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I can stay in my home?”
“Yes, of course. Everything will continue as before. No changes would be made…unless…”
“Unless…” Apple repeated the word he’d let trail into nothingness. “Unless you learn he was killed.” She understood. Staring down at her hands resting on top of the pasteboard box, Apple forced herself to think straight. “I’ll leave now. I’ll wait to hear from you.” And she would pray.
“I’m so sorry, Ms. Cates. Truly.” Captain Holcomb rose with her, then walked Apple to her car.
…At home, Apple sat on the couch, holding the as yet unopened box in her lap. Something told her once she removed the lid and examined the contents, her life would never be the same. This seemed so final. Yet, nothing was certain. MIA was such a nebulous state of being. Was he being held in some dirty prison in an enemy camp? Apple squeezed her eyes shut. “I don’t even know who the enemy is!” Why were the American soldiers even in Central America? Who were they fighting? The war on drugs? Gangs? Regimes unfriendly to the U.S.? “Oh, this makes my head hurt.” She covered her eyes and tried not to cry.
“I need to call my parents and let them know.” They’d always thought the world of Alan. But what would she tell them? “He’s MIA. Missing.” She didn’t even know what country for sure. Once he’d mentioned Guatemala and once Honduras. What the U.S. military’s aim was in those countries where no war was being waged – Apple didn’t know. She’d only learned the term ‘lily pad’ recently, a term used to describe small spartan military bases, usually inaccessible, with a limited number of troops and prepositioned weapons and supplies. It hurt her to think of Alan living like that.
Taking a deep breath, she removed the lid on the box to peer inside. Her breath hitched in her throat as she examined the few items. A picture of his parents that she’d had framed for him. A thick spiral notebook which she assumed was the journal the captain spoke about. There was an iPod and a handheld video game. “This is all?” Puzzled, she thought about it, then realized he would’ve had his watch and wallet with him. “Remember, he’s not dead. They haven’t found a body.” A shiver went over her body when she recalled those horrible videos sent from the Middle East showing the hostages with cloth hoods over their heads. Some of them had been killed by their captors, beheaded in front of the camera. “Oh, God, no.” Not that.
Needing to feel close to him, she picked up the journal. The idea of reading it made her feel funny. He’d never offered to share the thoughts he put on paper with her. Once or twice, he’d allowed her to see some short stories he’d written, but nothing like this. Still…she needed to know what he was thinking. “I miss you so much.”
With something akin to reverence, she opened the cover and flipped through, focusing only on the dates. It appeared he’d made an entry about once a week, starting a couple of years before they were married. Some of the entries were short, only a few sentences, and some were much longer. Chewing on her lower lip, she turned back to the first page, needing to feel close to him in the only way available to her at the moment.
Looking up, she sought strength, knowing this was only going to make her miss him more. Still…she desperately craved any connection to him she could get.
I’m going to live. I’d resigned myself to dying and now I’m going to live. For years, I’ve longed to do the things other guys do, but I’ve always had to be careful. My dreams of traveling and writing about my travels seemed out of my reach. Now, thanks to my best friend, I’m going to have a new lease on life. She not only gave me the kidney I needed, Apple was willing to give me a bone marrow transplant so I would have her T-cells to help prevent my body from rejecting the foreign organ. How will I ever be able to repay her?
“Oh, Alan. I am so grateful I was there when you needed me.” Many times, she’d marveled how fate seemed to have taken a hand in both their lives. Putting them together. Her a perfect match to save his life. Him the man of her dreams. Yes, they’d had their ups and downs. They’d grown apart. Being separated for so much of the time had taken its toll. But like Alan had written, they were best friends. Lovers. Soulmates.
Wanting to read more, she turned her eyes back to his dear handwriting.
After reading several pages, she wiped new tears from her eyes. Seeing his thoughts as he went through the transplant and the recovery period gave her new insight into his viewpoint during the traumatic experience.
She smiled when she found the entries he’d made after they’d begun dating.
Wow, Apple is hot! I don’t know why it took me so long to notice. We were childhood playmates and best friends. One day she was a gangly girl in pigtails, then I turned around to find her with curves and big blue eyes I feel like I could drown in. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to keep my hands off her.
“I’m glad you didn’t.” She enjoyed being with him so much. They were each other’s first. And only.
Turning another couple of pages, she came to an entry that caused her smile to fade.
I’ve lost control. I feel trapped. I like Apple. I do. We have a good time together, but everything’s changed. She’s pregnant. I wanted to ask her to get rid of it, but she told her mom and everything spiraled like crazy after that. My folks don’t want to be embarrassed. Dad’s a deacon at the church and our town is so small that everybody knows everything about everybody else. Our mothers are planning our future. My dad is looking for a house and by this time next week, I’ll be a married man. A husband. A soon-to-be father. I’m not ready for this and Apple’s just a kid. What about me? What about my plans? What about my dreams? I feel like my life is over. Apple was my best friend, but I may end up hating her.
“Hating me?” Cold despair held her in a vise-like grip. She’d known their getting pregnant and marrying so young had thrown him. Alan was a planner and she and little Jenny had blown his plans right out of the water. “But he never loved me…and our baby didn’t live.”
Doubling over, she sobbed her heart out. Even though she knew she should put down the journal, she kept reading.
She’s trying so hard. I can’t be mean to her. I can’t let Apple know I’d rather be anywhere than with her. At first, I thought the sex was great. Now, I’m wondering how good it really is. I’ve never been with anyone else and I feel like there has to be more. The worst part is that she’s so happy. She loves me. She really does. I wish I could be happy. But I can’t. I’m miserable.
“Put it down. Put it down!” Apple felt humiliated to know whoever had marked out the classified information about places and missions had read her husband’s opinion of her. She laid the journal down, got up and walked away. Moving to the living room window, she stared out into the street. Her eyes saw nothing, they were looking inward, wondering if she’d been purposefully blind to her husband’s unhappiness. “No wonder he left when Jenny died. He couldn’t wait to get away from me.”
As evening fell, Apple tortured herself, reading her husband’s words. Oh, not everything was bad. He was a good man. He loved his country. He loved his family. She relived moments they’d shared when each had stood by the other. The birth of their child…and their loss. The failing of his family’s business. His parents’ death, one so close to the other. The holidays they’d shared. But the dawning understanding she gained of how Alan’s feelings for her had changed broke Apple’s heart.
I hate going home. I’m so glad she didn’t question when I told her my last leave had been canceled. There’s more to see in this world than the backwoods of Texas.
Well, I did it. I had sex with another woman. My God! I had no idea it could be so good! I don’t know how I’ll ever be satisfied with just Apple again.
“Just Apple.” Just Apple. She wrapped her arms around her middle and tried to keep from throwing up.
As badly as it hurt to find out how he really felt about her, the worst was yet to come. She found out how he’d lied to her. There had been several other women. And each time he recorded his feelings, Alan always compared them to her and she always came up short.
She was plain. Too curvy. She was boring. She was awkward and needy in bed.
And very near the end of the journal, these words stuck out like a stark, barren, jagged peak.
I don’t know what my future holds, but there’s one thing I do know. I don’t want to live the rest of my life with Apple.
He wanted a divorce.
If Alan hadn’t gone MIA, he would’ve asked her for a divorce when he came home on leave. She knew that fact to be true as well as she knew her own name.
Reaching out to steady herself, Apple felt like the floor was shifting under her feet. Everything she’d believed about her marriage and her husband had been a lie. He didn’t love her. He’d never loved her. He didn’t desire her. Heck, as far as she could tell, he didn’t even like her anymore. They hadn’t just grown apart, things just hadn’t cooled between them - their marriage was broken beyond repair. It was over.
Anger at her husband warred with fear for his safety. In spite of everything she’d learned, Apple didn’t want anything to happen to him, she wanted him to be safe. Even in the midst of this agonizing revelation, she couldn’t wish him ill. She hoped beyond hope that the phone would ring any minute to tell her he’d been found and that he was okay.
What would happen then?
She didn’t know.
The one thing that kept coming to her mind time and time again was how naïve she’d been.
The man she’d thought of as her hero had feet of clay.