Apple at 18
“She’s in a better place.”
The common phrase of consolation brought Apple no comfort. Her baby wasn’t in a better place, she was dead. The better place would be Jenny alive and in her arms. “Thank you.” Even in the midst of her grief, she knew her mother-in-law meant well.
“I’m just glad you’re okay.”
Her own mother hovered nearby, ready to support her if she stumbled. After suffering complications at the birth, Apple was weak and emotionally drained. “Where’s Alan?” She looked around the funeral home’s viewing room to see if she could spot her husband. He was nowhere in sight.
“He’s outside with his dad,” Alan’s mother murmured softly as she placed a sympathetic hand on Apple’s arm. “He’s taking this hard too, you know.”
“I know.” Truthfully, she had a hard time discerning what her husband was thinking at times. The only place they seemed to be close was in bed. Other times, Alan was in his own world, one that seldom included her. He’d been depressed lately. His father’s business had failed, leaving him without a career plan. The book he was working on never seemed to get off the ground. At the moment, they didn’t know how they’d make ends meet. Still, she loved him to distraction.
He was her world, even more now that they’d lost their child.
“She only lived a week. A week.” Apple couldn’t imagine how the tiny little girl had made such an impact on her heart and soul in such a short time – but she had. “I’ll miss her forever.”
She rose to make one more trip to her daughter’s casket. The small white box sitting on a raised platform was surrounded by floral tributes. Her mother and mother-in-law dutifully stood to accompany her. “Don’t you want to get some fresh air?” Marie Wright asked as she kept a steadying hand on her own child’s narrow back.
“Yes, we could meet up with the men and go get a bite to eat. You have to be hungry.” Inez Cates suggested as she followed along with the other two, nodding at the few friends and neighbors who’d come to pay their respects.
“Not now. I only have so long with her, I don’t want to waste a minute.” Apple stopped as she drew near the miniature coffin. “She looks exactly like a porcelain doll. Just perfect.” As she gazed at the face of her baby, Apple’s heart broke in two.
…After the funeral, Apple and Alan stood together as the casket was lowered into the ground. She held tightly to his arm and cried like the world was ending. Barely able to stand, she let her husband support her as they thanked the preacher, the members of their family, and others who’d attended the graveside service. After what seemed like an eternity, the young couple made their way slowly out of the small-town cemetery.
“How are you feeling?” Alan asked as he opened the creaking, iron gate near where the truck was parked.
“I feel like I’m in a daze. A dream, a nightmare really. I keep expecting to wake up and find myself in our bed, holding my baby.”
“It just wasn’t meant to be, Apple. Jenny was born with too many problems.”
“I hate it.” Apple kicked a pinecone lying in her path as hard as she could, almost losing her footing.
She was going to hate this even more, Alan thought. “I have something to tell you,” he told her as he opened the truck door and gave her a hand climbing in.
“What?”
He didn’t answer until he was behind the wheel and backing out of the dirt drive. “I joined the Marines. I leave this afternoon.”
“What? No!” Apple doubled over with pain. The incision from her surgery was still very tender and any sudden movement made her feel as if she was being ripped in two. “You can’t!”
“I have to. I couldn’t find work. My writing isn’t paying off.” He needed to get away. To escape. He felt as if he were being slowly smothered.
“How? We’ve talked about this before and you told me you couldn’t enlist because of the transplant.” She was shaking so hard, Apple had to wrap her arms around her middle just to be able to stay upright.
Alan dry-scrubbed his face, hating he had to explain himself. “Well, I read an article about the military’s need for interpreters. I went to a Marine career counselor and sold my abilities. Since I don’t have to take the anti-rejection drugs, they were willing to grant me a waiver.”
“So, that’s it? You’re leaving me?”
“I’ll be back on leave. And once I’m stationed somewhere, you can move into military housing near the base.”
Apple felt like she might faint. “This is the worst of times. I don’t think I can make it without you.”
“You have the family. You won’t be alone.”
His attempts at soothing over the thundering shock of his announcement failed miserably. “I don’t want you to go. Please. Stay. I can’t handle your leaving. Not now.”
“You’ll get over it.”
Apple jerked her head up and stared at Alan, stunned at his attitude. “Get over it? Get over my baby’s death? My husband abandoning me?”
Alan frowned, pressing his foot down harder on the gas pedal. “I’m not abandoning you. I’m serving my country.”
“Your country doesn’t need you as much as I do!”
“You’ll be fine. You’ll adjust.” He didn’t know for sure, all he knew was that he had to get out of here. He had to escape.
That evening, after Apple drove Alan to the bus stop, she returned home alone.
Alone.