I woke to the shower running. I couldn’t believe I had slept the whole night through without waking up even once. In the hospital and even here, I couldn’t get through the entire night. By some miracle that night, I had. I didn’t know if I had Lynx to thank for that or the overwhelming feeling that there was some good out there.
I tossed the covers off and went in to the kitchen to make some coffee. Andi was always good at setting the thing up, so all I had to do was push a button, and it would start brewing. She knew me so well, probably better than I knew myself at times.
I sat at the small table, holding my cup of Joe in my hands, feeling the warmth hit me all the way down to my toes. Then I took my meds just as Andi came out, wearing jeans and a T-shirt, her blonde hair damp from the shower.
I had an instant tightening of my nerves. I had almost forgotten about needing to talk with her, but judging from her not so perky face, it needed to be done. Andi didn’t do un-perky. No, she was always happy no matter what. Seeing her like this … I needed to make that go away.
“Come and sit,” I told her after she had gotten her coffee.
She sat across from me, her eyes focused on her mug.
“Is there something you want to say to me?” I asked, trying to get the ball rolling. After all, it wasn’t going away, so I needed to face it head-on, even if it scared the living shit out of me.
Her pained eyes caught mine. “I just …” a tear streaked down her face, cutting my heart to shreds. “I thought that you and I had something.” Her words were soft and hushed, like she wanted me to hear them yet also didn’t.
“I didn’t know, Andi,” I responded, her eyes coming to mine. “I’ve been locked in myself for so long it was all I could think of. I didn’t see it.” I sucked in a huge breath and gathered whatever strength I could muster. “You’re my best friend in this world. I’m so sorry, but I don’t have those feelings for you.”
Another tear streamed down her cheek. “I get that now. I can’t say it doesn’t hurt, but it’s on me. I made us out to be something we weren’t. I’m sorry about that.”
“I didn’t even know you liked women,” I confessed.
She shook her head. “It only started in the last few months before you went to see Drew. I should have never told you to go and find him.” The dam broke.
I moved to her, wrapping her in my arms as she cried, the pain so evident it hurt me.
“I’m sorry. So, so sorry,” she cried.
I brushed her hair as I held on tightly. “I hate to say it, Andi, but you did the right thing. Yes, I know Drew’s alive, and I haven’t forgotten about him, but he’s happy with a family. I can’t do anything about that. I would never want to hurt him like that.”
She pulled away, her brow quirked. “Even though he hurt you for all those years?”
My mind wandered to the moment I had seen Drew again, and my heart cracked. It had hurt, and it still did. However, after seeing a small glimpse of happiness, I knew it was out there. I just had to find it.
“Even after all those years. I can’t keep living back there. That’s what’s bringing me down. I need to live.”
She pulled away from me. “Lynx,” she whispered.
“It’s not just him. It’s that he taught me it’s okay to be happy, to have fun.”
“You like him.”
It was hard to admit, but I had to. She was my best friend.
“Yeah, I kinda do.”
She wiped the tears from her eyes, her smile coming back to her face. “Good. You deserve good.”
I really believed I did, another first for me.
***
After a week back on the job, I quickly realized my feet were more acclimated to resting instead of being on them for ten hours straight. My boss had decided she needed me back full-time, and since I needed the money, I had quickly accepted.
The vibe in the bar hadn’t changed, but I had. When I looked out amongst all the people, I didn’t see the despair anymore. No, I focused on the laughter, instead. That alone put me in a better mood.
I hadn’t found anything on my father via the web, but Lynx had told me to give him some time to come up with something.
Life was life, and I felt as if I were living it instead of just existing for once. It wasn’t as though I were traveling the world or any grand gestures like that. No, it was more that I got out of the house.
Even after my conversation with Andi, she didn’t change around me. She was bright and happy, taking me to some of her favorite places, and I had fun. Yes, fun. We laughed, smiled. It was like the me I was supposed to be had come out, and I didn’t try to hide her.
The walls around me didn’t feel as constrictive as before. I felt like I could breathe and live for the first time. The medicine had to be working. I had a follow up with Wrestler McMann in a few weeks. I thought he would be proud of how far I had come.
“Hey, babe.” The words caught my attention.
I watched as Lynx slid onto a barstool, feeling almost giddy inside that he was there.
Lynx had picked me up the night before from my shift. He had taken me to get something to eat while we talked, and then he had taken me home. He had been doing that sporadically throughout the week, and I had to admit I enjoyed it when he did. While I was new at the whole guy thing, I thought things were going fairly well.
“Hey, yourself.” I smiled welcomingly. “What can I get ya?”
“Bud. Bottle.”
I made quick work of getting the beer, setting it in front of him.
“You’re off at eight, right?”
“Yep.” It was the first night I was off at a decent hour. Other people might not think it was decent, but when you normally worked until two a.m., eight was early.
“Good. We’ve got plans.”
My smile widened as I leaned against the bar. “What’s that?”
“It’s a surprise,” he replied before tipping his beer up and taking long, hard swallows.
I watched in avid fascination as his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. My tongue darted across my lip, instantly feeling dry.
“Babe, that’s not a good idea.”
My eyes snapped to his heated ones. “What?” I asked dazedly.
“Licking your lips. I’m a man, babe, and there’s only so much I can take.” It came out as a warning, but inside it made me burn, like sex hot.
A switch inside of me clicked, tingles spreading throughout my body and dampness growing between my thighs. Oh. Shit.
I turned away, embarrassed. “Sorry,” I muttered. “I’ll be back.”
I needed a little bit of distance from him. In the time we had spent together, he had been so damn patient with me, holding my hand, for goodness’ sakes, and kissing it. He had never once taken it beyond that, knowing he had to be slow with me. There were small touches, even a slight hug, but nothing more.
Was it wrong of me to want something more? To want more of his touch on my body?
I picked up a wet rag and began wiping down the bar as a waitress came up, giving me their orders. I filled them quickly, handing them back out. I didn’t look down at Lynx for fear he would see into my thoughts.
The only touch from a man I had experienced that wasn’t forceful, beyond my control, or for survival was from Drew. When he had kissed me, it had been thrilling and exciting, but we had never taken it a step further than that.
The punch to the gut hit at the thought of him, but like so many times before, I dug down deep, trying to shake it off.
The other men I’d been with…
I shook my head, not wanting to think of those others, not wanting to acknowledge some of the things I had done. I was ashamed of it, dirty for it.
Sex had always been a tool for me on the streets, something I could use to get what I wanted. It was all I had to give, and there were plenty of men willing to take it.
I had seen movies and the way the guys would be so tender with their women. I had never had that. I never believed I even wanted that, because I buried myself so deep I never thought of it at all. All sex reminded me of was hurt and pain.
I didn’t want to associate Lynx with that. I didn’t think I was capable of giving that part of me to a man. A man like Lynx—one that was so self-assured, handsome, and fun to be around—wasn’t going to sit around and wait for the day when I might be ready. No … No man would do that. I was going to have to let him go.
My chest tightened to the point of pain at the thought, and tears sprang behind my eyes. I wasn’t good enough. I was broken beyond repair. I could never make a man like Lynx happy. Hell, I could never make any man happy, because I couldn’t give him what he needed, what every man craved. No band-aid or medication would ever fix the part of me that was so hurt, so torn.
As tears streamed down my face, I batted them away, turning away from all the customers. Pull yourself together! Work was not the place to do this.
The blackness I had kept at bay for the past week came back with a vengeance, swirling so rapidly it almost knocked me to my knees. I clutched the small desk that held the register, trying to get some grasp on myself, trying to stop myself from falling under, trying to gain some sort of control.
Large hands came to my arms, and I jumped, turning around fast. Lynx was there, his face set in hard lines.
“Come on.” He grabbed my hand, pulling me away from the bar and down the hall toward the bathroom. I didn’t resist, only followed. “Here.” He pointed to the women’s room.
I shook my head, pointing to the door on the opposite side. “Break room.”
He wasted no time getting us into the small room and flipping on the light. He pushed the lock on the door, but I felt no panic from that. No, the panic was from me. My short comings, everything I was lacking as a woman hit me like a wrecking ball, crashing down the structure I had started to build within me.
I scurried around, trying to pick the pieces up to snap them back in place, but they were in a piled, jumbled mess, only making me feel more lost.
“Talk to me,” he demanded.
I shook my head, not wanting to tell him, still wrapping my head around the turmoil inside as my world began to tip.
“Yes, we talk. That’s what we do, Reign. You can do this.” His words came out encouraging and light instead of demanding, which I felt some sort of relief from. It was nice to have someone in my life who understood what was happening to me.
Then I blurted, “Why are you with me?”
It was the million-dollar question, one that had plagued me since he had showed up on my doorstep. I was a mess and had more issues than a person could count, so why would this big, strong man want anything to do with me? After all, judging by the looks the other women gave him, he could have his pick, and none of them would have so much weight on their shoulders.
“Because I want to be,” he answered quickly, his hands coming to my arms then sliding down to my hands and intertwining our fingers. It felt good, comfortable, and safe, which made this so much harder, but there was no way I was letting go.
“Why?” I challenged, clutching him for dear life, wanting to know, not wanting to know, scared of the answers.
“Because you’re Reign.”
My brows drew together. “What?”
“The moment you sat in a ball like a scared little rabbit, I knew. When you smarted off to me, telling me about the life you’d lived, I knew. When you opened up at the hospital, I knew. And when you talked to me, ignoring the others in the room, eyes solely focused on me, I knew. When I saw you again after all those days, I knew. When you allowed me to support you when we went to your mom’s, I knew. And I definitely knew when we were lying there, talking like we’d been doing it for years.”
“Knew what?” I asked softly, my nerves bouncing all over the place. It wasn’t the blackness that was starting to envelop me by that point. No, it was something else that I didn’t have a name for.
When he raised our laced fingers, pulling them between our bodies, I had to take a step closer to balance myself.
“I knew there was a spark in there. I knew, whatever man was lucky enough to ignite it, he would be in for the most special gift you could give: you.”
Tears fell from my eyes in a steady rhythm. That had to be the sweetest, kindest thing anyone had ever said to me. I believed he meant every word of it, too.
I didn’t want to ruin the moment, but I had to ask, “What if I can’t give you what you need?”
He smiled. “You can. You do. You just don’t know it yet.” His eyes flared as he pulled me even closer to him, his head dropping down before he brushed his lips against mine. It was almost an illusion. The only way I knew it had actually happened was from the tingles on my lips. “When you’re ready, we take this further.”
I was beginning to feel like the lucky one in all of this as he brushed his lips against mine again. It felt so good, so damn good I wondered what it would be like to have more.
Damn, I hated that my emotions bounced all over the place. I was hoping the medicine would even out my ups and downs, but it was still early and the doctor had said it could take a month to six weeks before it showed any improvement.
“Plans just changed for the night,” he said, not releasing his grasp on my hands that felt warm in his.
“To what?”
“It’s still a surprise.” He reached down and kissed my forehead.
The giddy and excited feelings came back, which I liked much better than the others, as the blackness was kept at bay, even if it was only for a little while.