Two weeks of waitressing during the day and tending bar at night kept me busy. Two weeks of thinking about nothing but what Andi said that night I fell asleep in her arms after crying. I didn’t want her to be right. I didn’t want what she had said to be true. I didn’t want to say good-bye. Then it was final. Then it was over. Then what would I do? Nothing would change in my life. I would still miss him every day. I would still mourn him. What would going to his grave prove?
The sad thing was, in my gut, I knew she was right. I didn’t know how I knew; I just did.
“Reign.” A deep voice from across the bar called my name.
I turned and my nerves sparked to life. They shouldn’t. I had called Trey in for help. He was a regular in the bar, and he was also a man who knew how to get information.
Stupid me. I tried googling Drew Lewis’ name but got nowhere. Thousands of searches popped up, and looking through each one became too much for me. None of them were my Drew, so I sucked it up and pulled in Trey.
“Trey,” I greeted, wiping down the bar then grabbing his usual longneck, popping the top and placing it in front of him.
He winked, and I just barely stopped myself from rolling my eyes.
“You wanted me.” He would think I wanted that considering he went home with any woman who would spread her legs for him. Sure, I had an abundance of tits and ass along with long, dark hair, which were great for tips, but I kept everything sexual about myself locked up tight. That part of me was totally shut down.
The bar wasn’t busy, as it was still early in the day. Luckily, no one was within earshot. I needed to get this over with before I lost my nerve. It was all or nothing.
I pulled a small slip of paper from my back jeans pocket, along with one of only three pictures I had of Drew, and slid them across the bar.
“Presents?” Trey said, not looking at the papers.
I swallowed deep. “I need a favor.” I knew it was going to cost me. What it was going to cost, I didn’t know. I didn’t have much to give.
“And what would that be?” His brow lifted, urging me to go on, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to just forget the whole damn thing and go home. I wanted to yet didn’t.
“I need you to find where someone is buried.”
Bringing his arms to the top of the bar, Trey crossed them, leaning in. “Where someone is buried?” he questioned. “Normally, I find people who are alive, darlin’.”
I let out a gush of breath. If I wanted him to help me, I had to tell him everything, which was not something I wanted to do.
I inhaled deeply and rattled off my time with Drew so quickly one would have thought I was an auctioneer, like on that TV show Andi made me watch all the time. Trey’s face didn’t change, but from his attention, I could tell he took in everything I said. No emotion played anywhere on his face, though.
When he didn’t say anything, I prompted, “So?” I fought myself to keep the emotions at bay. In the last few minutes, I had shared more with Trey than I had shared with anyone except Andi.
He leaned back and whistled low. “Fuck, woman. I had no idea.” His eyes filled with the start of pity that I didn’t want or need.
I balled my fists. “Don’t. Don’t feel sorry for me,” I demanded.
He just shook his head then picked up the picture and paper, not letting whatever he was thinking come out of his mouth. “You’ve always been a hot, little thing.”
I didn’t know what to do with that, so I stayed quiet while he looked at the picture. It was one with both Drew and I standing in front of Mr. and Mrs. Petersons’ house. The foster liaison took it and gave us each a copy. She never explained why she took it, but neither of us asked. It was covered in fakeness, though. Smiles: fake. Happiness: fake. Everything: fake.
We stayed that way for a long time—way too long—until he finally broke it.
“I’ll do it.”
I wanted to feel relief yet didn’t. If anything, it only amped up my anxiety.
“But it’ll cost ya,” he finished.
This wasn’t a surprise.
“What?”
A devilish grin came across his lips. “I’m keeping that in reserve.”
Reserve? Who does that? I guessed the shady guy I was asking to help me.
“Fine,” I agreed.
He stood from the seat, tapped the bar top twice, and was gone.
I was a nervous mess.
***
Three days went by, and each time the door opened to the diner or the bar, my eyes shot to it, expecting Trey to come in at any moment. Nothing.
What I didn’t expect was the knock on my door at ten-thirty at night on my day off from the bar.
I checked and double-checked the peephole, seeing Trey standing there. I shouldn’t let him in. I didn’t know him enough to actually trust him. Hell, there was only one person on this planet I trusted. What if he hurt me? You went to him, Reign. Pull your shit together.
I straightened my shoulders, chastising myself. Andi was so right; I needed to pull my shit together. I sucked in deeply and opened the door.
“Hey, what’s going on?” I greeted as if him being in my personal space was no big deal at all when, in fact, I wanted him gone in that instant.
“We need to talk,” he said, not waiting for an invite. He just breezed on by me like I wasn’t there.
The space inside my safety net felt tight and claustrophobic.
“Come on in,” I grumbled, shutting the door and locking it. If he were going to hurt me, locking the door meant nothing. Still, it was a habit, and who knew who lurked outside?
He turned abruptly. “He’s not dead.”
The vast void below me opened up and sucked me into its abyss at his words. I felt as if I were floating down to the gates of Hell, burning as I went.
“What?” was the only word I could muster as the dredge of emotions spiraling out of control pulled me under.
“Andrew Lewis; twenty-one; foster care, the same time as you. Records link him to a Mr. and Mrs. Peterson, but they were sealed. He was shot five years ago, stitched up, and thrown back into foster care, but he went into a group home for boys. He was banged up pretty good, so it was more of an in-house hospital. Got out at eighteen, had odd jobs, and landed a good one at a business firm. He worked his way up from the bottom and owns his own house in Newport about five hours from here.”
I reached around, trying to find something to sit on. I was sure my legs were going to give out on me at any moment. The wobble they kept doing was sure to have me plummeting to my ass.
I sat in the hard chair, almost missing it, and scrambled to right myself. I held on to its base for some sort of balance, my world shifting on its axis. I wasn’t sure what to make of that.
Trey held out a paper to me, and I stared at it like it was a poisonous snake that would kill me with one bite. I didn’t want it. There was no way Drew was alive and never came to find me. No way. I couldn’t believe it.
Trey shook the paper in front of my face, making that annoying noise. Somehow, I grabbed it and clenched it in my hand, but I didn’t look at it. I didn’t want to know what was written on it.
It just couldn’t be.
“You’re sure?” It had to be a sick joke.
“Reign, I’m good at what I do. It’s true.”
My hands shook uncontrollably, and my body soon followed. Trey took a step toward me.
“Stop. Don’t,” I barked out. I couldn’t handle his touch right now. Normally, I couldn’t take it. Right now, I really, really couldn’t. All of this was too damn much.
I ran with everything I had to the kitchen counter and searched for my phone, typing as I clumsily held it, almost dropping it several times.
Come here now, I typed, sending it to Andi.
I needed her like I needed air. I needed a light in the dark. I needed someone to grab on to, something to hold that was real because this … This just couldn’t be real.
“Go,” I told him.
While he could call in whatever favor I had to do for him, he must have seen the look on my face or taken in my body language, because he got the hell out of there. He didn’t stick around a second longer.
I raced to the door, locking it just as a rushed knock came.
I checked and swung the door open to a wide-eyed Andi. I pulled her into my arms, initiating a hug from her for the first time ever. I needed her. I needed her to be my rock since I couldn’t be it for myself at that moment. I needed her strength because I was falling.
I heard the door close and then lock. Then Andi’s arms wrapped around me as she walked us over to the couch where we sat still in each other’s arms. She just held me, waiting until I was ready to talk. It took a while until I could, but Andi, as ever, didn’t push me. She simply waited with the patience of a saint.
“He’s alive.” The words were completely disheveled as they came from deep in my throat.
“Who’s alive?” she asked.
I didn’t tell her I was having Drew checked out, because I didn’t know if I would go through with going to see him. Having Andi disappointed in me wasn’t something I liked, so I wanted to avoid it at all costs. I also didn’t want to be pushed.
“Drew.”
At his name, Andi’s comforting arms tightened and her body stilled. She gasped, “What?”
I had told Andi everything about Drew, so she knew how much I loved him with everything I had. She knew every little, minute detail about our time together, including the crushing feeling his death had on me that I continued to carry around.
I pulled away, swiping the tears and snot covering my face. “I had Drew checked out by a guy I know from the bar. He found him, and he’s alive.”
“I…” She faltered. “Can you trust whoever this guy is that he’s telling you the truth?”
My heart kept tripping over itself. “I don’t trust anyone but you. However, he has no reason to lie.” I shook my head back and forth, trying to make sense of all of this, some of this, any of this. I had seen Drew’s life end. I knew I had.
“I don’t know what to say.” She relaxed her arms yet continued to hold me. Tears spilled everywhere, and by the time Andi pulled me back, her shirt was soaked. “What are you going to do?” she asked hesitantly.
I gave her the paper. “His address.”
She looked at the paper. “Are you going to go see him?”
I shrugged. At that moment, I didn’t know what I was going to do. All I knew for sure was, once again in my twenty-one years of existence, I was knocked away from any familiarity of knowing myself.
“I’m going with you.”
I didn’t respond. I didn’t know what to say.
The night was spent with me crying in Andi’s arms. The way she held me as I sobbed for the man I had loved all my life showed me to the core what kind of person Andi was. She didn’t waiver or lessen her grip on me at any given time. I felt comforted, soaking up every minute of it.
I felt Andi’s body relax as she fell asleep. Me? I did not. I couldn’t. Too many thoughts were crammed into my head. First, was it really true that he was alive? If he was, did he remember me, think of me? Why didn’t he come and find me? I would have found him had the roles been reversed. Through all of this, I cried and cried, letting all those thoughts overtake me.
I woke with a start, having passed out from the tears. I looked around the bed, seeing Andi still fast asleep, curled in a small ball. I had only slept maybe an hour. Every cell in my body was telling me I had to get to Drew. He was alive on this planet, and I had to get to him. I had to see him.
I slid out of bed, dressed, grabbed the note with the address, and flew out the door.
The only thought that kept on repeat through my head was, He’s alive. He’s alive. He’s alive. I couldn’t help smiling at that. The boy I loved was alive, and I was going to see him. Nothing else mattered, because today, I would see him. Today, I would get to experience a small bit of joy for once. I would get my small splash of hope.
The five-hour drive went by in a flash, consumed as I was with my nervous energy. When I got to the address, though, I had major second thoughts.
I shouldn’t have come. I shouldn’t have entertained the idea. The idea was better than the actual vision burned in my eyes, never to be scraped away.
I sat it my car, staring at the house my GPS had led me to. It was a one-level with some type of greenish worn siding around it. It wasn’t new yet wasn’t old, either. The home had flowers and bushes around the front and sides. It had a Welcome flag hanging from a pole by the door. It was a home for a family, a home I once daydreamed of building with the very man who owns it. The house felt like that, like a home, a happy one.
I had been there for hours, just staring, sure the neighbors would see me and call the cops on me, but so far, so good. I couldn’t stop staring at the house. Could Drew really be inside there? No, this was all some sort of sick joke. It had to be.
That was when it happened.
A small, blue car came from down the street and turned into the driveway. I was parked far enough away that they could see my car, but not really make me out inside. I wasn’t sure I wanted to knock on the door. Hell, I didn’t think I could.
The car came to a stop, and a beautiful woman with long, straight, blonde hair got out. Her body was perfect, not a blemish anywhere. My stomached rolled, hoping the thoughts swirling in my head were wrong, so very, very wrong. This just couldn’t be.
She walked over to the back door and opened it. A little boy with dishwater-blond hair cut short, small shorts, and a shirt with a dump truck on the front got out of the car. The smile on his face radiated for miles.
The front door to the house swung open, and a man exited the door. He had dishwater brown hair, a lean but muscular build, and he was tall, so very tall. It wasn’t until his face lit up in the most perfect smile that it hit me like a ton of bricks coming down on my chest.
Drew. He was alive. He was here. Not dead.
The grip on my steering wheel became painfully tight as tears began to well up in my eyes.
Alive. Here.
Drew bent down as the little boy ran into his arms. My breath left my body as every synapse in my head forgot to fire. He was alive, and he had a little boy. Same hair and I would bet my life they had the same green eyes.
I had thought Drew had taken my heart with him when he died in front of me, but that was a lie. This right here was ripping my soul and what was left of my heart out of my body.
He was alive, and he had a little boy … without me.
I watched as Drew stood to his full, healthy height as the woman walked right up to Drew, and he wrapped his other arm around her and kissed the top of her head. He had a woman who was not me.
He smiled at them both, love pouring out of him, and I broke. The images burned with hot irons into my retinas, searing, branding their spots forever. My insides twisted so painfully I had to wrap my arms around my stomach as fresh tears skidded down my cheeks.
It was official. I had … nothing. There was absolutely nothing for me to believe in. It was ironic that I had wished over and over for Drew to be alive, and he was. It had come true. But the cost was me, because seeing him alive and happy was like watching him die all over again. Only, this killed me more than watching the life drain from his eyes. This destroyed me, and I fell deeper.
I couldn’t wrap my brain around it. He was here, and he never came back for me. He never looked for me. He never…
The tears turned into sobs, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the only guy I had ever cared about. The only one who ever gave a shit about me in my pathetic life. The one guy who made plans with me to get away from the life we were living and be free. The guy I saw my future with. The guy I dreamed about at night and watched the light leave his eyes over and over on replay. I relived his death every time I closed my eyes, yet he was alive and happy without me.
Everything inside me hurt. The tears became so bad I had to shut my eyes. It was physically impossible for me not to. I didn’t want to take my eyes off him, though. I feared this was all a dream and he would disappear, so I fought it. The sad thing was another part of me was hoping this was a dream and I would wake up so I didn’t have any of this etched in my head. With all these conflictions, I had no direction.
He was going on with his life, moving on, when here I was, a pathetic excuse for a human, stuck back in time. Me, here, crying over something I had lost so long ago. The hurt was too much, and I had to cry. I could feel the hole beneath me opening up, and there was no way to stop it. All those years of loss were for … nothing, and now they had turned into something I didn’t know how to process.
When Drew pulled the woman in for a tight hug and whispered something in her ear, she pulled away, smiling up at him. Then the three of them went into the house, Drew never letting go of either of them.
This had to be a joke. It had to.
I sat there for hours, unable to wrap my head around what I had seen. I wondered what they were doing inside. Were they having lunch together, watching TV, or was Drew playing with his kid? The more I thought, the bigger the hole beneath me expanded.
When the door to the house opened again, the little boy came running out faster than a shot. Drew and the woman were on his heels. Drew turned around and locked the door then walked with the woman to the car and got in the driver’s seat. I watched as the car sped off down the road, but I was rooted to the spot. I sat there until night fell, unable to force myself to go. I sat there until my cell rang, snapping me back to the present, knowing there was only one person on this planet it could be—my saving grace.
“Yeah?” I answered softly.
Andi’s voice came across the line. “You okay?” She knew exactly where I was without even telling her. That was how well she knew me.
“No. I’m nowhere near okay.”