I sat, my eyes glued to Lynx. “Answer me this.”
It was his turn to talk today, and I wanted to listen. I wanted to know more of why he was here. More to the point, I wanted to know why the hell he had been in here four times. Once would be enough for anyone.
“Why four times?”
He quirked his brow. “In here?”
I nodded as he sat back in his chair, relaxed as can be.
Last night, while I lay in my room, I replayed what I could remember of my time with my mother and father, which let’s be straight, wasn’t much. I remembered my mother’s gangly brown hair and eyes that were always cold. I remembered my father striking me on several occasions; that all kind of blended together. But something that got me, that stuck out in my head, was the sadness behind my mother’s cold eyes. I didn’t dare think it was sadness for me, but I remembered it being there.
I asked for a paper and pencil yet got a paper and crayon, instead. Whatever. It worked. I wrote down everything that popped into my head, even the smallest thing regardless whether I could remember if it was an actual memory or something I had made up in my head over the years. I would have to sort that out later.
I wouldn’t say I felt better falling asleep, but I did feel different and couldn’t put my finger on it.
As much as I wanted to ask Lynx what he thought about it, when we first got in here, the doctor started pulling Lynx into a conversation, and my curiosity had been piqued, so I had my own questions for him.
“The first time was about three months after I got back. My folks are good people, but they didn’t know how to ‘fix’ me. I couldn’t sleep for shit, didn’t get why I couldn’t carry my gun on me at all times, shit like that. It’s so fucking hard to be on your guard and alert twenty-four hours a day for fear that someone is going to come up and attack you and your brothers. Then to come here where it’s not like that is a mind fuck in and of itself. Anyway, my folks checked me in, thinking I could get help for it.” He shrugged noncommittally. “I did some time and got myself out.”
I knew he didn’t seem like the type of man without parents waiting for him, although I had started to wonder about his family.
I cut in. “Do you have brothers and sisters?”
“One younger sister. She’s cool.”
I refused to pay mind to the dull ache that formed in my gut, but it seized me anyway.
“So, you have people who actually give a shit about you, and you want to spend your time here?”
Lynx turned his full attention to me like he knew I was having a hard time with this concept, like he knew I was suffering an inner turmoil. I didn’t know what to make of that.
“You can have good people around you, but that doesn’t fix what’s going on in your head. Yeah, I have a mom, dad, and sister, but you can be in a room of people and still feel absolutely alone.” He paused, thinking, then let out a deep sigh. “I got put in here the second time because an asshole broke into my parents’ home. I was staying with them, but was out with friends. The asshole beat the shit out of them, and unlucky for him, I showed up before he left. I assessed the situation, and let’s just say the motherfucker won’t ever walk again. It’s what landed me in here again.”
“Why would that put you in here?”
“Because I fucked the guy up pretty good. He was the enemy, and with my military training, I did quite a bit of damage. I had flashes of a different time in my life as I was laying him out. I got a bit lost in my head. I was deemed a danger to others.” Through his eyes, I could see the flashes of anger for the man who had hurt his parents, but I could totally relate to the danger to others part.
The words fell from my lips. “But he beat up your parents.”
“Doesn’t matter. Once I had him knocked out and subdued, I was told I should have stopped, but I didn’t. I couldn’t make myself. That got me six months and four days in here.”
“I just don’t get that.” I didn’t. I didn’t understand how Lynx could get in trouble for protecting his family. Even if the guy was messed up, that was on the other guy for breaking into the place. “What about him? What’d he get?”
“Fucker spent a lot of time in a state health facility, so by the time he was well enough to move out, he only had six months left to serve.”
“The way of the world,” I grumbled. Didn’t I know it.
“But not my way.” The depths of Lynx’s eyes sparkled with menace.
In that moment, I wanted to ask him if he had made right by his parents, but I also knew him well enough to know he wouldn’t say a word, so I kept my mouth shut. Maybe I didn’t need to know that answer.
“Okay, so with those two and the reason you’re in this time, I know about three times; what’s the fourth?” I switched up.
“That was my own damn fault.” The room was hit with a heavy wave. The more it permeated, the more I could tell it was anger. “Had a friend who wanted to go to the fireworks for the Fourth of July. Something told me I shouldn’t have gone, but I didn’t listen. The first one went off, and I ended up taking a ride to the police station, which led me back in here.”
“The sound of the fireworks does that to you?”
He met my gaze. “Reminds me of bombs, gun shots, you name it. It puts me back in a place that I had to fight to get out of. I’m not talking about fighting to get out of my head; I mean physically fighting because I’m under attack. You don’t forget that shit. In order to survive, you have to rely on your instincts. Some sounds or situations trigger those. Then it’s like trying to tame a lion. It doesn’t happen overnight; it takes time and a fuck load of awareness.”
“I’ve only seen them once,” I said quietly.
“What?” Lynx asked.
“Fireworks. In twenty-one years, I’ve seen them once. My foster parent at the time kept saying how beautiful they were, but I kept seeing them as little explosions in the sky. I was waiting for one of them to fall in my lap and burn me. I was so terrified of it that I would panic at just the thought of going to see them or watching them on television. With my luck in life not being so great, I just knew I would be the one who got hurt if I went.” I immediately felt like an ass for putting that out there. Here Lynx was, telling about himself and what happened to him, and I was acting like a shit. Embarrassment flooded me, and my body began to get hot. “Sorry, Lynx, I didn’t mean to—”
He stopped me by holding his hand palm up. “Babe, it’s fine. I’d much rather listen to your shit than talk about mine.”
I thought that was nice, but still. “No, I mean—”
“Reign.” My name on his tongue was the most melodic sound I had ever heard. It was low, authoritative, but still gentle. I hadn’t had much gentle in my life, and it made me pause. “I mean it. If you’ve got something to say, say it. If it brings up something for you, let it. Why do you think doc put us together?”
My head swooped toward the desk. I had totally forgotten he was sitting there. Hell, he wasn’t even watching us. He was writing something down. Thinking about it, he was probably writing down what we said.
“Babe?” he called, and I instantly turned to him like my body just knew he was talking to me. “You’re good?”
I just nodded yet kept quiet as he continued.
“So, each time they put me in here, I learned something. I never went to college, but I have always been a fast learner. My dad told me that street smarts were a hell of a lot better than book smarts. He’d say, with me knowing both, I was a deadly combination.” His thumb and pointer finger began tracing his bottom lip, and then his tongue came out to lick it.
Holy shit. Why were parts of my anatomy that I had locked up starting to give a slight tingle? I shook my head and closed my eyes, but he was too deep in thought to notice.
“He had no idea how right he’d be.”
“All right, Lynx. It’s Reign’s turn.”
My eyes shot to Wrestler McMann as I took in his words. I didn’t know why I was surprised that he switched it up on me, but I was.
“I want to talk about Andi,” he said.
The blood in my veins turned cold. While I missed her, I still blamed her for putting me in here. She was the one who had said “get your closure,” and when I did, bam, it blew up in my face.
“I’d rather not.”
“Andi, is that a chick or a dude?” Lynx asked.
I didn’t hesitate to answer him. “Chick.”
“I know you are very angry with her; we need to discuss this,” Wrestler McMann proclaimed, and I felt the sudden urge to claw his eyes out. “She is the one you held the gun on. I need to make certain she is safe.”
The red film that covered my eyes couldn’t be stopped, so I didn’t even try. I clenched my hands into fists and tried to breathe, but that didn’t work, either.
“I did not hold a gun to her. I’d never harm her in any way, shape, or form. The bitch lied to get me in here, and you all bought it.” I shifted my feet and put my hands on my knees. They kept bouncing, driving me nuts. “She didn’t know how to ‘deal’ with me, so she made it up.”
“She just cares about ya,” Lynx said.
I stilled. How could he be taking her side in this? He was supposed to be on mine. He was supposed to understand that form of betrayal couldn’t be fixed. He had to know that it was fucked up that she lied. He had to.
“What?” I clipped out harshly at him.
“Put your daggers down.”
I glared at him, but it did nothing. He kept going.
“You were going to off yourself, and she couldn’t stop you any other way. I don’t know the chick, but if you’re her friend, then I see it. She gives a shit.”
I sat back, some of the anger leaving me. She gave a shit. Such simple words, but they were ones that I gripped on to hard.
“Look, if she didn’t care, she would have left the room and let you do what you had to do. But she didn’t. She took action and did what she knew. You don’t think she had a hard time coming to that conclusion? That driving you here didn’t gut her? I bet it did and that she’s spent this entire time you’ve been in here beating herself up for it.”
“But she’s the reason I’m here,” I defended.
“The only other option she had was to watch you put a round in your head. Turn that around and put Andi in your place.”
The thought shocked me to my core, and my toes curled as the air sailed from my lugs in a burst.
“Exactly,” he said. “Don’t tell me that she was doing it to be a bitch. She just didn’t want to see someone she cares about on the ground in front of her, dead.”
Somehow, the reverse scenario penetrated my thick skull. I could see it. Through the hurt and the anger I felt toward her, I could see where she had been coming from. I could see the gut-churning pain she must have felt from watching me go to pieces without being able to do a damn thing about it.
Imagining her sitting there with a gun in her hand was almost too much to take. She was sunshine, not dreary. As tears fell from my eyes, I didn’t even take the time to bat them away.
“Babe, you have a somebody. You’re not alone.”
The dam burst open. I pulled my knees up to my body and rested my head on them, covering it with my arms. I wasn’t sure if I was hiding or just trying to get small. All I felt was sadness. I did have someone who cared, someone other than Drew, and I was going to let her walk in on my dead body. What kind of person was I to do that to someone who cared about me? I fought the tears that craved to continue to fall as the hurt sliced me.
“But she deserves better than to put up with my shit,” I mumbled into my knees.
“She’s a big girl. If she didn’t want to put up with your shit, she’d be gone.”
I shook my head back and forth. He just didn’t understand.
“Babe,” he said, but I ignored him. Seconds ticked by before he said, “Reign.”
This time, I jumped and shot my eyes his way.
“Better.” He let out a heaved breath. “How many people have come and gone from your life?”
I should have thought about what he was thinking and where he was going, but I just answered, “More than I can count.”
“She knew you had baggage because, babe, just from looking at you, I could tell.”
I wanted to glare and give him a good fuck you yet didn’t.
“Again, you need to talk to her and get this shit out. If you get this off your chest, it’ll be better for the both of you.”
Where in the hell did this man come from? Seriously.
I hated it, but he was right. Andi had proved she was my somebody to me time and time again. She gave a shit, more than a shit. She treated me in a way I hadn’t seen in my time on this planet. Sure, Drew had, but Andi was different. I didn’t know how; I just knew it was.
I swiped my face with both my hands, feeling the wetness and wiping it on the green scrubs I wore today. The big, black hole that was always around me started to diminish just a bit. The cyclone moved down to a hurricane, and my heart squeezed.
I couldn’t stay pissed at Andi. I just couldn’t. No matter what happened to me in this life, I couldn’t shit on her. She had never shit on me, never given up on me, and more importantly, she was my somebody.
“So what do you plan on doing?” the doctor asked.
I didn’t know. I didn’t know what the hell I was going to do with anything. I felt like I was in a sea of sharks: one wrong move and I would be eaten. But the weird thing was I didn’t know if I wanted to be eaten alive yet. For the first instance in a really long time, the voices inside weren’t as strong. The more they quieted, the more I wasn’t sure that ending my life was the way to go.
“I don’t know.” My voice was quiet as I set my feet back on the floor and clasped my hands together in my lap. “I really don’t know,” I repeated with no less feeling.
“I actually believe you,” the doctor said. “Time’s up.”