“I’m coming with you,” Lynx practically demanded, crossing his arms over his chest in challenge. Little did he know he wouldn’t have a fight over this. I was happy he wanted to come with me, that he gave a shit.
“Okay,” I replied.
A smile came across his face, lighting up the entire space. The warm feeling in my belly grew. I let it alone, though, because it felt good. These days, I was storing everything good as much as I could, never knowing when the dark hole would want to drag me down again.
“Are you sure this is a good idea after what happened last time?” Andi spoke up.
I had no doubt she thought that whatever I found would send me to the place where she had found me before. I had to admit I was scared of that, too, but I was in a different place.
“I need to do this, Andi. I didn’t know what I was getting into last time, and I wasn’t expecting it. With my mother, I don’t have high expectations.”
“But what if you can’t take it?” The panic in Andi’s voice rocked me to my core. I didn’t want to upset her again. I didn’t want her to worry. It was another reason I had wanted to get out of there before she got home: seeing the hurt sucked.
“I don’t have any answers for what will happen. All I know is I have to do this. I have to find out why. Whatever happens or comes of that, I’ll deal with it.” How I would deal with it was the question of the hour. However, I would do my damnedest, especially since I didn’t want to bring Andi down again. It was a whole new reason to fight my way out.
“Do you want him to go with you?” she mumbled, tipping her head in the direction of Lynx. It was cute and almost funny, but I didn’t laugh.
“I know this is sudden and different, but yes, I want Lynx with me.”
A look of defeat fluttered across her eyes, tugging at my heart. I didn’t understand it. Was she upset that I wasn’t taking her?
I stepped close to Andi, sucking in deeply before I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her to my body. She rested her head on my shoulder, reciprocating the hug.
“I worry about you,” she said in my hair.
“I know. I’m going to be fine. I’m hoping”—damn, I said the H-word—“that this will make things better for me … Help me understand better.”
“I know,” she whispered back, retreating from my embrace. “Be careful,” she said into my eyes then turned to Lynx. “If anything happens to her, I hold you responsible.” Her tone totally changed when she addressed Lynx, making the hairs on the back of my head stand up in surprise.
“I’d never let anything happen to her,” Lynx said.
***
After giving Lynx the address and climbing up in his monster of a truck—I kid you not, it was huge, like having to lift my knee so high it touched my chest just to get in huge—the ride to the address was quiet. I was pretty sure Lynx was trying to give me some space after what had happened with Andi, and I appreciated that. I liked how he knew when to give me time to process things.
The drive seemed to go on for hours. Lynx would stop, and we would use the restrooms, grab something to eat, and then head back out. It sucked, though, because Andi forced money into my pocket before I left. I felt like a heel having to use it and not having my own. The feeling burned me. Still, I knew that no matter what, I was paying her back every last cent. Lynx gave me space on that, too, not demanding he pay or making me feel any shittier than I already did.
“We’re about an hour out,” he said, still facing the windshield. He had a profile I was sure women would swoon over: a strong jaw and nose with bowed lips that looked so damn soft. Even the scar he had didn’t take away from the beauty that was this man. I wanted to ask him how he got it yet refrained. It wasn’t my place. If he wanted to tell me, he would.
“Okay,” I replied.
“You ready to talk to me yet?” He glanced my way, his face a mix of concern and something else I couldn’t put my finger on.
I huffed out, “What do you want to talk about?”
“Want to first explain to me what your relationship with Andi is?”
That question caught me off guard. We had talked about Andi before. He knew she was my best friend; therefore, I didn’t know where he was going with this.
“Sorry?”
“Are you two dating? Have you been together?”
I gasped, my stomach doing a triple summersault at the thought of it. Why on earth would he think this?
Chills raced down my arms as the memories of earlier flitted in my head. Her look of disappointment, the shadow that had crossed over her eyes, the way she had snapped at Lynx…
Holy shit. He couldn’t be right, could he?
Lynx ginned. “I can tell by your deer-in-the-headlights look that you didn’t suspect a thing.”
I had to shut my mouth because my jaw dropped open. I hadn’t. How could I have missed something like that? As soon as I thought it, I knew the answer. I was so caught up in my own head I didn’t see what was right in front of me.
“Oh, shit,” I said softly, covering my mouth with my hand. “I didn’t…” I couldn’t say anything more. This could change everything between me and Andi, and I couldn’t lose her.
“I get that you didn’t, but a blind man could tell she loves you.”
Shit. Shit. Shit. She loves me? Like that? My head spun as this tumbled around in a kaleidoscope of colors so vivid they were almost blinding.
With a thunk, I rested my head against the headrest, fully taking all of it in. First, I had closed off that part of me for so long that, not until Lynx, had any rumblings or tingles come to me. Second, she was my best friend, and if this were true, she could get mad that I didn’t reciprocate those feelings.
She was beautiful—don’t get me wrong—but I had never once thought of her as anything more than a friend, a best friend whom I cared deeply for, who had been there for me, stuck by me like no one else had. She had never elicited those tingles or feelings inside of me. I almost felt guilty for not feeling the same way because I could hurt her badly. No, this couldn’t be happening. It just couldn’t.
“Babe, I didn’t mean to dump this shit on you, but you two are gonna need to have a talk.”
Talk … I didn’t want to talk. No, I wanted to run. I didn’t want to talk to her about her liking me then tell her no. She of all people knew I didn’t have relationships, but seeing me with Lynx had to have hurt her, and I absolutely did not want to do that. I never wanted to cause her any pain, not like I had before. Regardless, I had a feeling this was going to go badly no matter what way I dished it out.
“Yeah,” I answered. He was right; we were going to have to talk. I so didn’t want to, but if that was how she really felt, then it would need to be addressed. Of course, I hadn’t the slightest inkling of how to do that.
I dug down deep inside myself. I needed to deal with my mother first. Then I would talk to Andi. I could only handle one thing at a time, and adding in Lynx’s closeness, I was already juggling two. Math was never my strong suit, but I was definitely one over my quota.
“How have you been doing?” Lynx asked, changing the subject, something I was grateful for. The tension was there, but this was a good reprieve.
“Good, I think. I got my job back at the bar part-time.”
“That’s great, babe,” he encouraged, and it felt good to have that, even with my chest heavy at the new revelation.
I kept going. “I’ve been searching for a steady job, but there aren’t that many out there for someone like me.”
“What do you mean by that?”
I shrugged, looking out the window. “All I’ve ever done is wait tables and bartend. There are only so many bars and restaurants around this place.”
“Maybe you need to do something else,” he suggested.
I wanted to chuckle yet held it in.
“Right. Like what? There isn’t much for a high school drop-out to get.” I had always had a complex that I hadn’t finished school. I had hated it when I was there since the kids were downright cruel, but looking back, I wished I had that small, little piece of paper, just to show I had accomplished something in life. As it stood right then, I had nothing, which didn’t sit right with me.
“Anything you set your mind to. What did you enjoy growing up?” His question made my throat constrict.
“I didn’t have things I enjoyed growing up. I didn’t have toys or crayons or any of that kid shit.” I thought back, not one thing standing out. At Christmas, I would get second-hand clothes, never any toys or anything fun. Regardless, I was grateful for them. I needed them, but it would have been nice to have something.
“Let’s think about the last few years. What’s something you enjoyed?” This question wasn’t any better. It was really sad and made me realize just how far I had fallen into myself. It was time to climb up.
“All I’ve done is work since getting my own place.”
“Do you watch TV?”
“Of course.” Everyone did that. It was nothing special.
“What do you like to watch?”
He was going to laugh at me; I just knew it. I didn’t want to tell him but did, anyway.
“Don’t laugh,” I told him, a small smirk playing on my lips. He said nothing, so I continued, “I watch home improvement shows, ones where they take old houses and fix them up.” I turned to look at him, recognizing a small smile gracing his lips, but he didn’t laugh. “But I can tell you I know shit about fixing anything and have never built anything in my life.”
“You never know.” He winked, and my heart did a flip at the silent gesture. I wanted to yell at it and tell it to stop, but it wouldn’t do a damn bit of good. “Maybe we can find a birdhouse or something,” he joked.
I felt the smile spread across my lips and looked down, instantly embarrassed.
“You know you have every right to smile, babe,” Lynx said with conviction, but I hadn’t reached that point yet, the one where I thought I deserved anything. Deserving anything wasn’t on my mind while I dealt with the bumpy road I was on. Therefore, I said nothing, just stared out the window, watching the trees fly by.
“Reign,” he said, and I turned to him, giving him my full attention. “I mean it. Everyone deserves to be happy, and sometimes, it happens when we least expect it.” Those words hung in the cab until we pulled up to a small box house.
“This is it,” Lynx said as I took in my surroundings.
Around the home’s exterior were bushes that looked so overgrown they should have been pulled out by their roots and replaced. The brick and mortar looked decent, but the broken down car and camper off in the driveway looked like they could use a lot of work. The house didn’t look horrible at all.
I wasn’t sure what I was expecting, but this seemed almost normal, whatever in the hell that meant.
“Let’s park around the block, and then we’ll go up.”
Puzzlement filled me. “Why?”
“Trust me?” he asked.
I froze. I hadn’t expected him to ask me something like that so bluntly. Trust had always been something I didn’t give. It made me vulnerable. Giving someone your trust meant they could hurt you in ways you never dreamed, and it wouldn’t be a physical pain. No, it would be the emotional backlash that killed.
Then again, on the flip side, I did trust him. It was in my gut, and I had to follow it.
“Yes,” I answered.
He grinned like my answer was the perfect one before he pulled onto a side street and parked the truck.
My heart began to thump in my chest so hard I swore if you looked at my flesh, you could have seen it. My skin got clammy just as my hands began to sweat. Air didn’t want to go into my lungs, and I had to pull hard for it. The blackness was threatening me. It was right on the cusp, and if I didn’t hold on with two hands to something, anything, I was going under.
When a hand on my knee caught my attention, I turned to Lynx.
“Calm,” he said soothingly. “You’re just fine.” His eyes told me it was going to be okay as he gave my leg a soft squeeze that I didn’t pull away from.
I just wished I could get my body to listen. It was strung so tightly I didn’t know what would loosen it. I breathed in and out, hoping it would work.
“She hates me, Lynx. Why am I even here?” I pled with a crack in my voice. I was struggling. I was digging down deep for some sort of strength to get me through this, and it was only coming in small amounts. It wasn’t fast enough as the darkness began to threaten.
“You tell me,” he responded, not answering my question, obviously trying to get me to talk so I would calm down.
I drew in a deep breath, letting the air fill my lungs, my hands calming from the shaking before I answered, “To get answers about why she allowed my father to hurt me.”
He didn’t give me an inch as he prompted, “And …?”
“To find out why she didn’t fight for me when they took me away.” I felt kind of proud of myself for getting it out. It was small, but it was the little bit of confidence I needed. It didn’t stop the nerves or the panic attack that was right there, but it helped relieve it a bit.
His knowing eyes bore into mine. “Right. You deserve to know. Knowledge is power.”
“I remember,” I whispered softly, recalling every little thing Lynx had ever said to me. He didn’t need to know I remembered all the details, even how he was sitting in the room when he had said them. Lynx was right, and that was why I was here: to get that knowledge.
“You always start what you finish. Always follow through once you’ve made your decision. Right or wrong, you deal with that after, but never back down.” His words seemed to have come from experience, and I had none, so I was taking his.
I nodded in confirmation.
“Let’s go.” He nodded back.
I couldn’t make my hand reach for the door handle. It wouldn’t move to grab it as frustration built alongside my nerves. The panic began to move around me in swirls as I fought to gain control.
I closed my eyes. You can do this. You have to do this. I chanted those phrases in my head over and over as my door swung open.
Lynx was standing there. He didn’t extend his hand; somehow, he knew I needed a minute to gather myself.
Digging down deep, I could feel my body changing. My shoulders rose, my spine stiffened with resolve, and my hands stopped shaking. Yes, I can.
Once I rose from the seat, Lynx held his hand out to me, which I took willingly. One, it was like he was my helping hand, so I clutched it, and two, because the damn truck was so big I was sure to fall out of it without any help.
The door slammed shut and bleeps came from the locks. Lynx turned to me.
“You deserve answers. I’m so damn proud of you for taking this step.”
My insides warmed. His compliment hit me on so many different levels I didn’t have time to count them all. However, I felt it down to my bones, and I liked it.
“Let’s do this.” The authority in his voice was comforting. I focused on that, or tried to, the entire walk to the driveway.
Upon hitting the space where the camper rested, I froze, my feet unable to move. It was like they were stuck in thick cement.
“Reign?” Lynx’s voice seemed far away as I stared at the brick home. Thoughts scurried through my head like little mice on their way to find food. There were so many questions, so many what ifs.
I didn’t remember this place. Had I lived here with them? And what if I had been a better little girl? Would my father not have hurt me? Would my mother have treated me better?
I was getting slammed from all directions by them, my head beginning to spin. The dark pit below me began to open, sucking me in. My only thought was, If I let it take me, then I wouldn’t have to deal with this.
“Reign!”
The voice was loud, and I turned to the source: Lynx.
“Babe, you’ve got this. Answers, remember?” That voice… I was coming to find that I could listen to it all day and never get bored with it. It was deep and powerful.
Slowly, things came into focus as the vast darkness threatened to take me away. No, Reign, pull your shit together, a small voice in my head rang out, and I listened to it. I forced the thoughts inside of me to calm. I was in control of this, not them. They did not have power over me. I had the power, and I was going to take it.
I looked Lynx dead in the eye with every bit of strength I had. “Let’s do this.”
He gave me one of those rare smiles, and I felt my knees weaken, but I desperately tried to brush it off.
Walking to the door, the doorbell stared back at me like a wicked snake. If I were to touch it, it would be dead set on biting me. Lynx didn’t touch it, either; he waited. He was there, beside me, but he wasn’t going to do the job. I had to.
Snake be damned, I pushed the bell. We heard it blare and then movement behind the door.
My pulse spiked as a cold sweat beaded all over me. This was it. I was going to see my mother again. Then it hit me that she probably didn’t even live here. She had probably moved a long time ago, and I was getting myself all on edge for nothing. Of course, I wasn’t sure if that was wishful thinking or avoidance talking.
Locks on the other side turned and then the knob of the door. When it opened, I fully stopped breathing.
The woman was about five-feet-five, my height, with long, dark brown hair, like mine and emerald green eyes, again, like mine. What was different were the lines marring her face. They weren’t laugh lines around the eyes; no, these were like I had seen time and time again. These lines were from stress, hard work, and if I wasn’t mistaken, lots and lots of drugs.
“What?” she barked, her brow raised at us.
It took me a moment before I asked the question I already knew the answer to. “Are you Rebecca Jameson?”
She held a cigarette and waved it around as she talked. “Who wants to know?”
“I’m Reign.”
She stared at me blankly, nothing registering in that head of hers.
That was the moment the fire began to burn in my belly, but not from nerves. No, it was from anger. She didn’t remember me? I had the same first name that was on my birth certificate, which she had to have given me.
I gave her a little help. “Your daughter.”
She burst out laughing, the air getting trapped in her throat as she began to crouch.
There I was, serious as a heart attack, and she was laughing … at me.
I didn’t move.
“My daughter is dead,” she said between coughing and laughing.
What was wrong with this woman? I wasn’t dead. I looked just like her, only younger.
“I can assure you that I’m not dead.” I placed my hands in the front pockets of my jeans, the urge to reach out and strangle the woman burning brightly. I fed off that anger, allowing it to help keep me together.
Rebecca took some heaving breaths, a smile still plastered on her face as she said, “She died when she was six.” Which was the time I had been taken away from them.
I had questions, and I was going to ask them.
“If she died, why are you laughing about it?”
I felt Lynx’s heat at my back. It was all the encouragement I needed as the flames scorched higher inside me.
She chuckled. “Because she was a pain in my ass.”
My heart felt the hit on that one, but I kept charging along.
“I’m laughing because, even after she was gone, Robert left me. I should have known he wouldn’t be man enough to raise someone else’s kid.”
The bricks above me started to tumble down, each hitting me on the head as everything I thought I knew was blown out of the water in an explosion so big it shook me to my foundation. I tried to hold on as it quaked.
“Someone else’s kid?”
She took a puff on her cigarette and blew the smoke out the door and into Lynx and my face. “I hooked up with my boss a couple of times. Robert couldn’t have any kids, so he knew I fooled around. Damn, he hated that little girl.” Every word that came out of her mouth came with nonchalance, like I had meant nothing to either of them.
The air around me began to press in, but I did my best to force it back.
“Yeah, I looked.” She looked me up and down. It was like her clouded brain had cleared and thoughts started firing. Her eyes widened, and she crossed her arms over her stomach. “It’s you.” This time, there was no laughter, only disbelief. She had to be shitting me if she thought I had bought that whole I-thought-you-were-dead spiel.
“I told you who I was; you refused to see it,” I said with confidence I didn’t have on the inside, but there was no way this woman was seeing any of that. “Who is my father?”
“Didn’t think I’d ever see you again.” She paused, and for a brief moment, my heart latched on to the words, hoping she would turn around and be happy to see me. Then she had to go and ruin it. “Damn. I could have lived my whole life without it. And you fucking look just like me. Fucking hell.” The disappointment in her words was more than evident, and I tried to keep my anger from taking back over.
At least I knew now why my “parents” hated me so much. My mother was a cheat, resulting in me, pissing her husband off; something so fucking simple that had absolutely nothing to do with me. It was all on them. This was their burden, not mine. Yes, they had treated me like shit, and my life was hell, but what if I would have stayed with them like I had thought so many times before? I had thought if I would have been better, we could have been a family. I realized in that moment there was never going to be a family here. I was the product of an affair and had to live the consequences of it.
The earth below me started tipping, but it wasn’t pulling me under. No, it was righting itself.
Sure, I had a lot of shit to deal with, but this part was clearer. The more I thought about it, the anger and hate for this woman swirled around me. She was never my mother, only an incubator, and by the looks of her, there was no telling what I’d had in my system when I was born.
“Who is my father?” My words came out monotone, but there was a tinge of demand there.
“You think I’m gonna tell you that? He doesn’t even know you exist.” Another blow, but I took it and still stood tall. “No matter. By the look of ya, he wouldn’t want you, anyway.” That one hit hard.
“Considering I look like you, and he fucked you, I’m sure he’d see me.” Even though my comment was immature, it still felt good to say since it was true.
Lynx’s hand came to my hip, giving me a slight squeeze that I didn’t shy away from. I needed to know he was there, that he had my back. I was the one doing this, but he was there to support me if I needed it, and although I did, I wasn’t going to let this woman see that.
“I’m not telling you nothing, and I don’t want to see your face here ever again,” she snarled.
“You don’t have to worry about that.” But I was going to find out who my father was in one way or another.
Knowledge is power.