It was going to be a bad day. I knew it as soon as my eyes fluttered open and the day’s sunlight came in through the curtains. I also knew it because of two things: one, I got up twice in the middle of the night and checked the locks on Andi’s doors, something I hadn’t done in a long time, and two, I dreamed of Drew.
The past four days since Lynx had brought me over for dinner had been wonderful. With each day that passed, he would either meet me before work or after. There hadn’t been a day that he had neglected to show me in some way that the kiss and other stuff we had done wasn’t wrong.
I had thought it at first. I had believed I was completely wrong for wanting something that felt so good, but over the days that had been relieved … until today.
I rolled over in bed and pulled the blankets over my head. I didn’t hear Andi and was thankful for it. The light that I had found over the course of my time out of the hospital seemed to have vanished, nowhere to be found. The only thing around me was a cloak of winding darkness and for no other reason except a dream.
It was irrational, but I wasn’t thinking; I was only feeling. And that was what was pulling me down.
In the dream, Drew had come to me. He hadn’t for a very long time, and I had thought that part of my head was straightening out, but I was wrong.
If anything, it was building to the point of combustion.
“I can’t believe you let him touch you.” Drew’s angry voice vibrated as spittle left his lips, and his body pulsed with his rage. “You let him kiss you, Reign!” he screamed, and I jumped back from him.
He gripped my arm so forcefully it hurt, and something I had never felt with Drew came over me: fear.
I had never seen him this enraged before.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, feeling I needed to say something yet not knowing what to say, the confusion of the moment spinning my head. How could Drew be here and be angry with me?
“You should be sorry.” He shook me, causing my neck to snap painfully.
I cried out in pain, and Drew let me go instantly.
“I’m so sorry, Reign.” He ran his hands through his hair and paced back and forth across the floor.
I moved as far away from him as I could, afraid that he could act like that and, more, wondering how he even knew.
Guilt filled me like water in a vase, each of the curves bursting to their limits until it overflowed.
I had let Lynx touch me, and I had liked it more than I had ever thought I would. I was having real feelings for him and liked being with him, his touch, his lips.
Still, how could I just forget about Drew? How could I let all those feelings I had held for him dissipate with Lynx’s touch? What kind of person did that make me?
“And you gave him your orgasms … something you never gave me. How could you?” Drew rambled as he continued walking.
I felt the urge to comfort him, console him. “I’m—”
“A whore. You’re nothing but a whore!”
It was the same last line each time that woke me from sleep. I had been doing so much better, being able to sleep for pretty long periods of time. Even when I had woken, I hadn’t needed to check the locks or get Andi. I had been able to handle everything on my own. But this … This was something I didn’t know how to take.
Drew thought I was a whore for giving myself to Lynx, and the guilt from that ate at me. If I had been thinking rationally, I would have known it was a dream, and Drew was happy with his family, but I wasn’t rational, and I didn’t want to move from the bed. It was weird. I felt like I was mourning something yet having a hard time figuring out what it was.
I did nothing except lay there with the blankets over my head, letting my mind go to places I had thought I had overcome. I let it go back to the place where I had seen Drew and his family, how I had felt. I let all of it overcome me.
***
“Reign?” Andi called from the side of the bed as it depressed from her.
I didn’t want to talk, and I hadn’t looked at the clock to know how long I had been lying there, but I had to pee quite badly, so I figured it had been a while.
“Yeah,” I answered quietly.
“What’s wrong?”
I didn’t have the answer. The darkness had taken over, and my thoughts were all over the place, so I shrugged.
“You’re scaring me, Reign.”
The pang in my chest hit hard. I tried to pull myself up, tried to be able to answer her in a way she would understand, but I knew nothing I said would make it okay for her. She wouldn’t get it.
“Leave me be,” I moaned, pulling the covers more tightly against me and letting the warmth fill my coldness.
“Tell me what the hell is going on!” Andi yelled, causing me to jump, but I still didn’t tell her. No one got it.
Then it hit me.
“Lynx,” I murmured.
Andi stilled. “What?”
“Call him please.” I said no more, just burrowed into the covers.
I felt her leave the bed then the room. I didn’t know if she would do as I had asked. I only let the darkness take me in.
***
The covers were pulled from my body, the coldness jolting me. I must have just dozed off, but I didn’t remember falling asleep.
A warm body hit my back as the covers came back over me. I froze and sucked in deeply when a strong hand came to my belly. Then the smell of Lynx invaded me, and my entire body relaxed as I let his warmth invade me.
We lay like that for long moments before he spoke.
“Babe, what’s going on?”
He would get it. I knew he would understand if I told him.
“Drew came to me in my dreams. He called me a whore for being with you.”
His grip on me tightened.
“He said I shouldn’t be giving myself to you, that…” I stumbled a bit. “That I shouldn’t give you my orgasms.” I shook my head from side to side. “He hates me.” My words were grumbled into my blankets. I wasn’t even sure if he heard them all, because he said nothing, just started rubbing circles on my hand with his thumb.
I continued, “I had to check the locks, Lynx. I hadn’t done it since I first got out of the hospital.”
“Where are you now?” he asked softly.
“In the dark.” It wasn’t pitch black like it had been before, but the light that had been cast over me wasn’t shining brightly.
“I feel guilty,” I mumbled, needing to say it, but scared to, as well.
His lips came to my ear. “Babe, you need to pull deeper, find the woman I found, and let her help you up. I’m here, and I’ll stay here until you get there. Then we’ll talk.”
He was right. I wasn’t in a place to be rational or listen, so I didn’t. I lay there in his arms for a really long time until the urge to pee hit me so hard I needed to get up.
Lynx’s slow intakes of breath told me he was sleeping. I tried to get up softly, pulling away from him, but his grip tightened.
“Where are you going?”
“Bathroom.”
He let me go. I did my business and came back to find him fully awake, lying with his back to the headboard, his hands behind his head.
I ran my fingers through my hair and sat on the end of the bed. I dropped my head in my hands and began breathing slow breaths as the panic hit my chest like a sledgehammer. All the while, Lynx said nothing.
Deep breath, one … I inhaled. Deep breath, two.
As I continued counting to myself, the overriding anxiety and fear began to fade, leaving me behind. When I lifted my head, Lynx had his arms out to me. I wasted no time climbing into his arms as he held me tight. This time, his warmth penetrated me down to my soul, and I sucked up every drop of it.
“You ready to talk?” he whispered.
I wasn’t, but I would for him.
“What we have is beautiful, so beautiful. I didn’t think I’d ever have it, Lynx. I don’t know why I’m dreaming of Drew or why he’s saying those things to me. I don’t know why I felt so guilty.” I tipped my head up, looking into his eyes. “I don’t regret anything, Lynx. Nothing.”
His lips brushed mine, and I instantly lifted my hand to his scarred cheek, kissing him more deeply, not wanting him to think I believed any of what we had done was a mistake. It was just all so much.
“Babe, you have unfinished business with Drew. I thought it would have happened a lot sooner, but you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.” When he gave me a soft peck and pushed my head to his chest, I nestled there comfortably. “You need to go and talk to him.”
I jolted, trying to lift up, but he held me to him.
“Settle,” he ordered, and I tried to relax, but it was difficult. “Babe, you need to talk to Drew. Work this out. You’re never going to be fully yourself until you do.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
“Wasn’t it you who was going to see her mother, come hell or high water? Was it you who had the courage and strength to do that? The woman who wouldn’t let anyone touch her”—he stroked my hair—“but allows me to do so freely?” He wrapped me securely to his body. “You’re ready to do this.”
“But I’m just finding out things about myself: that I like to go on long walks with Andi or that I like running with you. Won’t going to see him take me back there? I can’t go back there, Lynx.” My body shook. I couldn’t. The day was bad enough with feeling that cloak surround me. I didn’t want to do anything to bring it back.
“If you want the darkness to fade, you must face the things that put you there. Drew is your catalyst. It’s the one thing you must face.”
I didn’t want him to be right. I wanted to yell at him that he was wrong. Even though I had a good man at my back, I still didn’t want to open the old wounds. I didn’t want to have those attack me.
Why did my life have to be so messed up? Why couldn’t I be normal and not so messed in the head? I shouldn’t have to live my life like this.
“I’ll tell you what. We keep living like we’ve been living, and after your appointment with Dr. McMann, you can decide what you want to do.” He gave me an out, and I took it. I needed it. I needed to process it all, and he knew that.
I didn’t know what would change from that point to this, but I was going to take him up on it because I didn’t think I would ever be okay enough to see Drew again.
***
“Hang on!” Lynx called from behind me as I gripped the chains with all of my might.
The wind rushed through my hair and onto my face, sending exuberance through me as I climbed higher and higher. It was almost like an emotional high as I flew up into the air and back down. My lungs filled with the scent of the trees around us as Lynx pushed me from behind, as I let my legs and body soar, swinging.
I had done it at school a couple of times, but after getting picked on, I stayed as far away from the other kids as I could. This was different, though.
As I gripped the chains, they were hard and unforgiving, but the air around me was so freeing.
This … This was freeing.
I turned to see Lynx’s large body behind me, his hands on his hips, and a smile across his face.
“Babe, we’ll come here every day if you’re gonna smile like that.”
I didn’t wipe it from my face. I felt it: pure utter happiness from a swing. I was a kid, so free and climbing up so high. My heart thumped in tune with the ups and downs of the swing, and I loved every second of it.
That entire week, I hadn’t had another nightmare about Drew. I believed it was due to the strong man whose arms wrapped around me at night, but he said it was all me. It was a tossup, one I wouldn’t know since there was no way I was giving up waking up next to him if I didn’t have to.
We had been staying at his place, because I didn’t want to hurt Andi in any way. I had hurt her enough when she had come in that day and seen Lynx with his arms around me tightly.
Every time I turned around, I kept doing hurting her, and I hated myself for it. Therefore, I had made myself a promise that I would do everything I could so she didn’t hurt. I had early dinners with Andi, and we talked on the phone regularly, but my nights were spent at Lynx’s place. No way would I bring Lynx to Andi’s to spend the night. It was disrespectful.
Also, I had come to really love Pepper. I asked Lynx why he had a dog, just out of curiosity. It surprised me when he told me the VA he went to had suggested it, saying dogs were great companionship. In turn, it would help him through his dark. Hearing that, I allowed Pepper to help me out, too. I really liked the pup.
I had thought long and hard over this time, as well, and knew a visit to Drew was in my future. I was tired of living in the shadows. I didn’t want to feel the darkness overtake me again. I wanted to be happy, free like I felt today. I deserved a small sliver of it. I needed to grab life by the balls and take it, which was exactly what I was going to do.
No more running. No more hiding. I had wiped my incubator from my life and all her toxicity. Now I needed to get right with Drew. I needed to know that he was okay. I needed closure, just like Andi had tried to get me all those months ago. She had been right then. I hadn’t seen it and reacted. It was time to be proactive, instead.
Knowledge is power. Lynx’s words rang through my head. It was time to get the knowledge so I could move on.
Even as I flew through the air, letting the wind take my hair whichever direction it wanted, I felt the change in me. I had lived in the dark for so long, but I had a choice. I could either stay in the dark or make it so my life was filled with more moments like these. I chose to live.
If going to see Drew would help me to move to that, I would do it.
I hadn’t told Lynx yet, but I planned on going there after my talk with Wrestler McMann the next day. I knew he would be by my side if I asked him. Nevertheless, I was going to do it on my own two feet. I was a woman now, not some scared child. I had choices now, and I was going to make the best ones for me. I was putting me first.
“You about ready?” Lynx moved to the side of the swing.
I gave him a pouty lip. “Already?” I mock whined, playing with him.
He smiled. “Already? We’ve been at this for over an hour.”
We had? Damn. Time always flew by when I spent it with Lynx. It was so natural, easy, like I was meant to be with this man.
I slowed the swing and hopped off with a giggle, walking right into Lynx’s arms. I stood up on my tiptoes and connected my lips to his. Each time I tasted him, he tasted better and better.
It only took seconds before the kiss turned scorching, and we had to pull away for fear we would blow up Lynx’s backyard. Yes, he had a swing that hung from a tree in his backyard. It was beautiful out there, serene, relaxing. Some nights, we would eat dinner out on the deck before I went to work if I didn’t meet Andi because she had a shift. Luckily, tonight was my night off.
The tips were helping me out tremendously, and with Andi not allowing me to pay for anything, I was saving every penny. Soon, I would be able to get my own place and my own car. That would be freedom, independence, and power coming back in my life full-fledged.
“Come on. I’ve got snacks set up and the movie queued up, ready to go.” He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and led me up to the house.
It was amazing how comfortable I felt in this space and how wonderful I felt just being with Lynx.
The evening had been going so well, just like every other evening I had spent with Lynx. After the movie, we climbed into bed. I loved that he never pushed me when it came to being close, but tonight … Tonight, I was ready for more. I needed Lynx like I needed to breathe. I was ready to live.
I turned over, our faces inches apart when Lynx opened his eyes, questioning me. I answered his look by kissing him with every bit of emotion I felt yet didn’t have the guts to say.
Our lips melded together in a dance so beautiful I almost didn’t want to stop it, but I did.
I sat up and straddled him. Then, gripping the hem of my shirt, I lifted it from my body, exposing my breasts to him. I was nervous, so damn nervous I would mess this up or not do it right. However, I just went with my instinct and didn’t second-guess myself a thousand times like I had done a few days prior. I had known it was coming, and I had tried to prepare myself. Regardless, nothing could prepare you for the way a guy looked at you like Lynx was looking at me. It was like I was the only woman he had ever wanted in his entire life, and I was beautiful to him.
Lynx coughed. “What’s going on, Reign?” he asked, his hands clenching on my thighs. He wanted to touch me, but he was holding himself back for me. I loved how he took care of me.
I spoke softly, “Touch me.”
He paused. “Reign, you’ve gotta tell me where this is going, babe.” He coughed again. “I’m doing my damnedest to hold back and not push, but this is like letting a lion out of its cage after being tempted.”
I liked that I tempted him, that I could feel his erection through his pajama pants. I did this to him. That in itself was a hefty thing. It was power, control.
I gripped his hands and brought them to my breasts. He didn’t move them, but the lust pouring from his eyes told me he liked where they were.
“I need to feel you, Lynx,” I told him, moving his hands for him, the warmth seeping into my body.
“Fuck, babe. Are you sure about this?”
I stilled my hands and leaned down to his lips. “I’ve never been surer about anything in my life.” Then I kissed him as his hands worked my breasts, sending pings throughout my body.
I pulled back briefly. “You need to be patient with me and let me be on top.” I needed that control, to not be pinned down. I knew it would help me to have that little bit of an escape if I needed it, which I hoped I wouldn’t. There was that damn H-word again. I was starting to feel it more and more as the days passed.
“Anything you need, Reign. Anything.”
I kissed him, showing him how much those words meant to me. And they meant the world.
His skin twitched as I moved my hands down then pulled his shirt from his body. He was gorgeous. There was no denying it. From the muscles where they needed to be to the tattoos lining his arms, everything about him was beautiful.
I sat up and raked my small nails down his chest, watching each muscle twitch as they went down.
“That smile is about to undo me, babe.”
Our eyes connected as I stood from the bed, pulling my pants down along with my underwear. He sucked in a breath so deeply I didn’t think there would be any air left in the room for me.
“Damn.”
I had shown my body before, of course, but never to a man who looked at me like Lynx did, not one who held my heart, which he probably didn’t even know.
“Your turn,” I told him.
He removed his clothes without taking his eyes off me. As the pajamas flew by me, I took in all that was Lynx while he lay there, letting me take my fill.
His legs were toned from all the running and his training. It was his penis that caught my attention, though. I had never paid much attention to them before, but the thickness and the way it jutted out to his bellybutton had me a little worried everything would work between us.
Instead of straddling him, I let my nerves win for the moment and lay next to him. “I don’t really know what to do,” I said then quickly added, “I mean, I know what to do, but I … don’t.” I sounded so stupid, so immature for my years. Lynx had to have had a lot of practice at this, while there I was, nervous to even touch him.
“Do you want me to guide you?” he asked, his hand brushing away the stray hair that fell to my eye.
“Yes.”
“I need your hand around me. I want you to feel me.”
I did as he had said, feeling the steeliness of him, yet the flesh was so soft. His hand gripped mine, squeezing him more tightly than I ever would have. I followed him.
“Just like that … up and down.” Then he groaned, “Okay, babe, gotta stop.”
I smiled at that, loving getting to him.
“I need to get you ready for me. You have two choices: either lay your pretty, little ass down on the bed, or you can bring that sexy, little pussy up to my lips.”
An excited, lustful thrill raced through me, and I went with my gut.
“Lips.”
“Get up here.”
Tentatively, I crawled up his chest. He positioned my knees on either side of his head, and I couldn’t help feeling a bit embarrassed. He didn’t see it that way, though.
“Fuck, I’ve wanted to taste you since I saw you.” His hot mouth attached to my flesh, and everything in my head left, my focus solely on the man between my legs.
He readied me, slipping his fingers in and out, and I was right there, ready to explode, but he then stopped.
I looked down at him with wide eyes. “What are ya doing? Don’t stop!” I almost cried.
“Babe, trust me?”
“Of course I do.”
“Then you come on my dick. I wasn’t planning this, but I have condoms in the bathroom.”
I smiled before removing myself from the bed and going to my small bag where I had packed foil packets.
“Had this planned out, did ya?” He gave that sexy, flirty smile that made my heart flutter.
“Something like that.” I handed him the packet, and he placed the condom on his shaft. “I’m a little scared,” I told him honestly. That was what we had between us: talking and honesty. I knew I would always give that to him.
“I know, my little rabbit. Take it nice and slow.”
While he waited for me, I felt absolutely no pressure from him, but I did feel it from myself. I wanted to make this good, make this right—perfect for him and for me. I had never had a gentle touch in this way until Lynx, and I didn’t want to mess that up.
Slowly, I straddled him again and sucked in deeply.
“Why don’t you kiss me?” he suggested.
I dove on it. I didn’t see it as an out; I saw it as a way to get myself right. It was the right choice as my body lit up.
Before I realized I was doing it, I was guiding him into my body. I ripped away from his lips as I sat on his hips, him fully inside of me. I stared into his eyes, hoping he would see everything I couldn’t put into words. Then he rocked my world.
“You are the most beautiful thing on this planet. I’m so fucking happy I was in that hospital with you, so damn happy you snipped at me and made me want to know you. You, Reign, are my light. You make my world right. You are my everything.”
A tear rolled down my cheek. My heart was so full I swore it would burst from my chest.
“I love you, Reign.”
More tears fell as I let his words seep into my soul. He loved me. Me. Reign. Problems, issues, everything, this strong man loved me.
I wanted to say it back, but I couldn’t form the words. They were lodged in my throat. All I could do was show him.
I moved up and down on him, our eyes never leaving one another’s. The build came quickly. Still, I couldn’t look away from Lynx, his hips moving with mine as we came together in a rush.
It was the single best experience of my entire life.