I didn’t know how I made it home. I didn’t even remember driving, but somehow, I got there. When I pulled up to the complex, Andi came barreling down the sidewalk like she had been waiting for me. I was a zombie and could barely walk to her. I didn’t have the strength.
“Oh, baby,” she said, wrapping her arms around my body and holding me up.
Lone, hiccupped whimpers came from my throat. I had already cried so much during the drive home. I didn’t think I could do more, but I was wrong. The dam collapsed, and I fell to my knees. Andi tried to pick me up yet ended up falling to the ground, as well, my weight being too much for her.
Weeks passed in a blur of tissues and emotionally exhausted sleep. I asked for time off from both of my jobs. After all, I couldn’t move from the bed, let alone go to work. The diner fired me after a week, and Judi called from the bar yesterday saying she had to fill my spot. Now I had nothing there, either, but I didn’t care. Rent was due last week, but I didn’t have the money and got an eviction notice three days ago. Good thing I knew how the system worked. I had a good two to three weeks before I was actually forced to leave by the cops.
I didn’t know what I was going to do. I didn’t care to try to figure it out, either. I was too lost in my head to make any sense of the world, so having a roof over my head or bills paid wasn’t on the radar of giving two shits.
I wasn’t sure what was worse: watching the boy you love die before your young eyes or finding out five years later that he was alive, happy with a woman and a child, and now a man.
I should have been a bigger person and thought “At least he’s happy. He deserves that. I’m happy for him.” Nevertheless, I couldn’t be that bigger person. I couldn’t feel that happiness for him, not when I ached so badly inside. I wanted him to be hurt, too, not carrying on with his life like I had never existed, like I was a blip on his screen as he continued his happy life.
As the days dragged on in one continuous loop, the hurt turned into anger and then back into hurt. I couldn’t stop it, didn’t even try. The dark hole I had been trying to avoid for years since Drew left me the first time finally fully sucked me under. I let it consume me, eat me up, and swallow me whole. I was surrounded in a thick, dark cloak of pain and despair that nothing could cut through.
I had thought I was alone before. With my mother and father being the assholes they were and then all of the foster homes never great, I had only had Drew. I had only had him for two years, and those were the best two years of my life. Even if I was doing things I wasn’t proud of, they were the best because I had someone. I had someone I could turn to, talk to, and count on. I had my person, and I had never once in my life had a person.
Part of me wished I had never had it, never had him. Then I wouldn’t know what it was like to lose it twice now. The ache burned so deeply in my soul and the pain rolled and gained momentum from day to day, building, digging, and embedding itself into my soul.
“Eat,” Andi said at the doorway of my bedroom.
I groaned and turned slowly around in my bed, staring at her holding a cup. I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t deserve to eat, not when other people out there needed it. I was just a waste of space in this world. They should have food to live, not me.
Andi being Andi, I knew she wouldn’t give up, but I didn’t want to give in. Like everything else, it was pointless.
I regretted giving Andi a key to my place. One, for this, and two, because I never knew for sure if she locked the door after she came in. Having that worry in my head drove me farther down the rabbit hole that was becoming my life. I wanted to get up and check the doors and windows. I wanted to make sure everything was locked and secure, but I couldn’t make myself get out of bed. Still, that compulsion rode me hard, suffocating me.
When Andi rolled me over onto my back, I didn’t fight her and used the little bit of strength to help her.
“Drink,” she ordered, holding the lukewarm chicken broth to my lips.
I tried to drink it, but it kept catching in my throat, causing me to cough, gagging on it. Andi didn’t stop, even as my stomach rolled from the liquid. She kept at it until I drank every bit.
“Good. Want to shower?” she asked, sighing as I threw the covers up over my head.
“No.”
Andi was the only thing keeping me alive at that point, something I lay in bed all night, thinking about.
I couldn’t do it anymore. There was absolutely no reason for me to carry on like this. Having Andi care for me wasn’t living. I was a burden on her, just like I was to my biological mother. I didn’t want that for Andi. She of all people deserved better.
The black hole became deeper as I sank into it willingly. My entire life I had been a disappointment, a disgrace, a nuance, a punching bag, a sex toy … alone. Me, myself, and I. And I didn’t like either of those three people. Each one of them was shitty. I didn’t deserve to be here, didn’t deserve to breathe air.
The light that Andi shone on me was fading to the point where it was lost. It was so far away it was unreachable. There was no coming back from this. There was no revival. There was nothing. I was nothing.
As I sat on my bed, my feet touching the floor, the heaviness of the cold metal sat in my hand. The gun was so weighted it felt as if it were all my emotions swirling around in my head, now sitting in my hand and under my control. For once, it was under my control. This was the one tool I could use to make everything stop, to make everything go away, to make me go away.
It was my answer to end the pain.
I stared at the shiny, silver metal as flashes of Drew’s vacant eyes flashed through my head. The pain of that hit me all over again, but the gun could take it all away, even the good of when I saw Drew again and the bad of finding out he had a son and a woman.
Who would care? I mean, Drew didn’t care to find me; he had moved on with life. He certainly wouldn’t miss me.
The burn in my chest only grew as the thoughts raced through my head, and I realized how fucked in the head I really was. I never really had a shot in this world from the moment I was born. I was never anything. I was and always would be nobody. I let some guy fuck me over and over again while thinking I was protecting Drew. I made things work while I was on the streets. Every, single fucked up thing I did was to survive a life that I should have disposed of years ago. The world wouldn’t miss me.
The only one who would was Andi. She was everything I was not. She had the ability to push through all the bad and be strong when everything crashed around her. She would survive and be better since I wouldn’t be holding her down.
I, on the other hand, couldn’t. I was drowning in darkness and losing what little I thought of myself. I had held her back, making her think she had to take care of me. She needed to be free of me, free to live her life without me and my fucked up existence.
I needed it all to end. I wanted to disappear, vanish, leave this life, not feel anything anymore, make everything whirling in my head stop and quiet. I needed to fall. I needed to succumb to the losses, to the unanswered requests, to the wishes not granted. I needed to fall into the pit of emptiness and make it all go away, to find a sliver of peace.
“What are you doing!” Andi screeched, making me jump as she bore down on me, not stopping until she was at my side and the gun was in her hand. I didn’t even have time to struggle, which would have been futile, anyway, since I was so weak.
“Give it back.”
Her brows were knit between her angry eyes as I spoke, her long hair pulled back in a ponytail so tight it made her look madder than I had ever seen her. The fury pulsed from her in thick waves.
“That’s fucking it!” She opened the clip on the gun and pulled all the bullets out. Her hands didn’t even shake; she was in full control of the weapon.
I didn’t even know she knew how to do that. I had never seen her with a gun in my life. I was taught on the streets by a guy named Tim. I never saw him again afterward. Andi, though, she was too perfect to know anything about the underbelly of society.
It felt like I was on a cloud above, looking down at my best friend as she moved. Even when the anger poured off her in waves, it didn’t penetrate me. I was so high above that nothing mattered.
“We’re taking a shower.” She said nothing else of the gun as she stuffed everything into the big bag she had draped over her shoulder when she had come in.
I didn’t want anything to do with the shower. I wanted everything to end. Showering was least on my priority lists. However, the strength to fight for the gun back wasn’t there. No fight was.
The thump of Andi’s bag hitting the floor had my eyes moving to her angry ones. She started tearing off her clothes, shoes, and panties before coming toward me naked. I did nothing. She then undressed me and hauled me into the shower, coming in with me.
Tears spilled over my face as I shook my head. “Just let me be done with this, Andi,” I whispered.
She turned me around, the spray of the shower hitting my back as she held me up. “Listen to me,” she growled, her words echoing through the tight space. “This shit ends right here and right now. I tried to let you work through it. I tried to be patient. I tried to let you do your thing.” The water pelted my back, but it was like I couldn’t feel a thing. “This?” She gave me a shake. “You trying to kill yourself? No. I’m fucking done!”
While she washed me quickly, I felt so damn defeated and worn I didn’t put up a fight. Nor did I help her when she dressed me, nor did I when she made me get into the car. It was like I was floating over my body. I could see everything that was happening, but I was too out of it to care.
When Andi pulled up to Zachariah Hospital … That was the moment I snapped together, reality slapping me across the face in a powerful blow.
She wasn’t! She couldn’t! She was my best friend! She wouldn’t do this to me!
“What are you doing?” I asked her through a very scratchy throat.
With her voice lowered, sounding resigned and sad, she said, “Helping you.”
“By doing …?” I asked just as she threw the car into park and two very large men dressed all in white came up to my door. “You didn’t!” I gasped, feeling my heart break all over again.
She turned fully toward me. “You need this. I don’t know how to help you, and you’re scaring the shit out of me, Reign. Then today…” She shook her head, closing her eyes, pain etched on her face. “I know I take the risk of you hating me because of this, and as much as that kills me, I have to. I can’t lose you.” When she opened her eyes again, tears were streaming down her face.
Somehow, I snapped to alert enough to defend myself. It was pure instinct taking over as the panic set in. “I can’t go in there, Andi,” I told her bluntly, having her words cut me, not wanting to go. “I can fix myself. I promise. You know I can’t be in there.” I gave her a pleading look.
“I…” She started, but I dug deeper.
“You know my mom used to bring me to the doctors all the time when my daddy beat the hell out of me. I’ve been poked and prodded, asked all kinds of questions that I couldn’t answer. They stuck needles in me and scared the ever-loving shit out of me. You can’t leave me here.”
Being in hospitals all the time was the reason I was taken away from my biological mother when I was six. I didn’t understand it at the time. Hell, I still didn’t understand why she let him beat on me all the time and never stopped him. I looked it up on the internet once and read about something called Munchausen syndrome and wondered if that was what my mother had, because why else would she take me to the doctor after my father hurt me? Didn’t she fear she would get in trouble?
“I know,” she whispered. “I love you. You are the best friend a woman could ask for.”
I looked at her, wide-eyed. She was going to do it. I wasn’t going to change her mind. I had to change her mind, though.
Before I could speak, she continued, “Nothing I do is helping. You have to go in there so you can get better.”
“No,” I answered instantly. “I’m better.” I perked up as I felt the guys outside my door jiggling the handle. “I promise, Andi. I’ll be fine,” I tried. I was frantic, grasping at straws, hoping she would buy it. I scrounged around for anything to make her change her mind. “Child Protective Services brought me here when a foster brother of mine decided to cut me in my sleep,” I blurted, trying anything I could come up with so she wouldn’t let them take me.
Andi’s eyes clouded as more pain filled them. I thought I had hit the nail on the head, but…
“I can’t. This isn’t going to work. You need this. It’s for your own good.”
I exploded, the anger bursting out uncontrollably when I realized I wasn’t going to change her mind. I completely lost it.
“You fucking bitch! I can’t believe you are doing this to me!” I clenched my hands into fists and pounded them into the dashboard hard. The doors to the car unlocked, and my head swung frantically to where the guys were coming at me. “You’re a fucking bitch! I hate you! I’m gonna die hating you! Remember that!” I yelled as the two guys each grabbed one of my arms and hauled me out of the car. I kept yelling at Andi, spewing nasty thing after nasty thing, riding on panic. Everything inside me was on edge.
I looked back to Andi, seeing her tears coating her face along with agony.
“You can die hating me, but I can rest knowing I tried and loved you through this,” she said.
I was too pissed to care.
I fought. I did. The first needle they tried to stick me with fell to the floor because I kicked so much. The guys had ahold of my arms pretty tightly, so the only things I had were my legs. The second needle didn’t miss, and I screamed at the sharp pain just before I passed out.
***
Slowly blinking my eyes, I felt as if there were sand in them. I reached up to rub them, only to find my arms and ankles were attached to the bed. My mouth was dry from the sterile air of the room as I inhaled deeply, smelling disinfectant and that distinct smell of hospital. The beeping machines did nothing to calm the panic as it hit me head-on. I thrashed back and forth on the scratchy sheet, wailing, my arms and legs wanting to be free.
It wasn’t long before a woman wearing kitten-covered scrubs appeared by the door with a small smile on her face. I didn’t know what the hell there was to smile about.
“You’re awake,” she said in some damn, sing-song, happy voice.
Puke.
“Get these off.” I raised my arms as far as the white straps would allow, which wasn’t far, flailing them for emphasis.
She stepped into the room. “Sorry, Reign. I can’t do that.”
“Yes, you can,” I told her sternly.
“Nope.” She began checking all of the machines around me. That was when I noticed my hand had IVs plugged into it.
“What are you putting in me?”
She tapped the tube coming down from a large bag with her index finger, turning toward me. Her eyes were a chocolate brown that was so warm it could melt ice. Too bad it had no chance of working on me whatsoever.
“Fluids. You are severely dehydrated, not to mention very malnourished, young lady. Until we get you back where you should be, you’ll remain hooked up.”
“That doesn’t mean you can’t take the straps off!” I barked.
She smiled knowingly. “I’m not stupid. I’ve been doing this for more than twenty years, young lady.”
I strained my head and torso, trying to get up from the bed. “You bitch! Let me up!”
“Now, Ms. Owens, if you don’t lie down, I’ll have to sedate you.”
“Fuck you!” I snapped, not giving a shit if she sedated me or not. My blood thumped through my veins as I let the anger out.
“No, thanks.” She reached into her pocket. “Maybe, next time you wake up, you’ll be a bit calmer.”
I snarled at her as she injected something into my IV. Then everything went black.
This routine went on for what felt like days. I had no idea how long. I hadn’t been keeping track of days since I found out Drew was alive. However, it felt like I was in and out for a lifetime.
The one good thing about it was I liked being out. When I was out, I couldn’t think. I couldn’t let my mind race about Drew or Andi. I could simply sleep, something I had never done in my life. All the pain just melted away. I looked forward to the syringe. It was becoming my escape.
That was when the nurse stopped putting me under as much. It was like she had a nurse radar and could tell I was enjoying myself, and she wanted to stop it like the evil witch she was. One thing in my life that I actually enjoyed and she had to be a bitch and take it away.
No amount of name calling or threats did it after that. Nothing. It was like she totally tuned everything I said out. I could call her a fat bitch who needed to get laid, and she would just laugh at me. Yes, fucking laugh! Her comment was “Honey, you have no idea.”
One good thing was I couldn’t have any visitors, so I knew that traitorous Andi wouldn’t be showing up any time soon. I couldn’t bear to look at her. She had done this to me. She had put me in here.
One morning, the nurse came in, all happy and smiling like sunshine.
“What?” I groaned, seeing the light shining in from my lone window. I had been tied up a really long time, and the only reason my muscles didn’t ache was because, while I slept or was sedated, Nurse Hatchet, or whatever her name was, said she stretched them. Otherwise, I would be in a lot of pain. At least she did one nice thing. Then again, it was her job, so she didn’t do it to be kind.
“You have an appointment this morning,” she said, moving the now unused machines out of her way to get to the other side of the bed.
The doctor came in and said I was physically fine, so I got the tubes out. When I didn’t want to eat, Nurse Hatchet told me if I didn’t, she was going to plug me up again. Therefore, I ate a little to keep her off my back.
“With…?” I asked.
“Dr. McMann.”
I raised my brow. “Like the wrestler guy?”
She chuckled. “Nope, as in the psychiatrist.”
My heart fell. I didn’t want to see a shrink. I didn’t need to know the thousands of ways I was fucked in the head. I especially didn’t need someone to tell me those thousands of ways. I knew what they were. That was why I wanted away from this life. I also didn’t need someone trying to pump drugs in me at every turn. No, thank you.
“No,” I said as adamantly as I could.
“You don’t have a choice.”
“No. I’ll pitch a fit until you have no choice but to put me under.” I tried conniving, knowing she wouldn’t give in. If she didn’t give in when I called her a come guzzling, road whore and instead, laughed at my creativity, then she wasn’t budging at that point.
She shook her head. “Young lady, don’t you know that, if you’re going to do something like that, it’s best not to tell anyone so they can’t do anything to stop it? Look, I’m gonna be straight with ya, because if I was in here, I’d want someone to be straight with me.”
I was in shock at her tone. This wasn’t ray of morning sunshine nurse. No, this was dead serious, about to tell me like it was nurse. The change in her face was a bit disturbing. How she could switch so fast was a bit alarming.
“You want out of here?” She looked at me expectantly, so I nodded my head. “The only way to do that is to talk to the people here and get yourself together. They aren’t going to release you until you do.”
“Why not? I’m an adult. I should be able to sign myself out.” I didn’t know the exact law, but I thought I had the right to refuse any medical treatment.
“True, but you’ve been determined to be a threat to yourself and others.”
I stilled. Others?
“What?”
“Yep, and the only way to get out of here is to follow what we tell you and do what we tell you.” She lifted her brows.
“I don’t get how I’m a danger to others,” I told her.
“Holding a gun on your friend.”
A red haze went over my eyes, and strength I thought I had lost long ago came with it. Anger bubbled in my veins, setting my skin on fire.
“She told you that?” That lying little bitch!
Nurse Hatchet pulled up the lone chair in the room that had yet to be used during my stay. She grabbed my hand, and I instantly pulled away, though I was stopped by the white straps. She didn’t stop and grabbed my hand, anyway. My skin felt superhot from her touch. I wanted to shake it off, shake her off.
“None of that matters.”
“The hell it doesn’t.” My hands began shaking with the anger floating around me.
She squeezed my hand hard, either to settle me or comfort me. I didn’t know which and didn’t give a shit.
“You think I don’t know that girl lied to get you in here? I know it and you know it. Her reasons for doing it are her own. Bottom line, at this point, it doesn’t matter. Your behavior over the time you’ve been here has proven to the doctors that you need to be here. You can’t blame your friend for that.”
The hell I couldn’t. She was the reason I was here. Regardless, I listened to what nurse Hatchet said and kept my mouth shut, even if I was thinking, I hate you.
“You did try to take your life, Reign. Let’s not forget that.”
“You have no idea what I’ve gone through,” I snapped back, again pulling at my hand yet getting nowhere.
“I know more than you think, young lady.”
My head jerked.
“Right now, we need to get you ready, and be warned, if you take a swing at me, I do fight back.” She winked at me, rose from the chair, and did what she wanted me to do.
***
Boring. Absolutely, positively boring. Wrestler McMann went through everything I had ever told Andi from a manila folder, which proved nothing except that he could read. Good for him.
I ached when he talked about Drew, felt strange when he talked about Andi, and didn’t know what to make of any of it. He asked me questions, which I mostly answered with one word or a nod of the head. I didn’t feel comfortable with him.
It wasn’t his appearance, which let me tell you, was nothing to tell a best friend about if I had one. He was round, short, and had a patch of hair that he combed over, trying to make it look like he had hair on the top of his head. He also had thick glasses that made him look like a closed-off snob. Like I wanted to open up to someone like that. Uh, no, thank you.
He told me that I was a very negative person and needed to find some positives. The only one that I could come up with was that, since I was on such alert here, I didn’t have time to fall down the dark hole that is my life. It was still there, waving like a pool of water under my feet, but my focus was on this place.
The first order of business here was to get out. If that meant I had to play this sick, little game, I would do it. I had played lots of games in my life. This one should be no different. Second, make it all end.
“That was a good session. I feel like you did great. We will do these twice a day for the next week.”
The next fucking week? Was that how long they were planning on keeping me here?
***
Drew came into my room after school with a look of fierceness. I was in tears again. It wasn’t the first time, and I was sure it wouldn’t be the last.
The girls at school were horrible, teasing and tormenting me at every turn. Today in the girls’ locker room, the ring leader of them all, Tonya, started in on my small boobs. She said no one, not even Drew, would want some flat-chested girl. The words kept coming out of her mouth over and over again. I couldn’t escape them. I ran and hid in the girls’ bathroom down the hall until the last bell rang.
Drew hadn’t said a word to me as we walked home. He knew something was wrong, but he let me deal. He also knew I would tell him in time.
Drew came right to me, and I didn’t hesitate to throw my arms around him, burrowing my head in the only safe haven I had. As the tears fell, he didn’t let me go.
Suddenly, Drew’s body was limp in my arms, all of his weight pressing on me.
I moved my head back only to see blood coming from his eyes and mouth, pouring all over me.
I woke with a jolt, my arms unable to move, which only made me fight harder. The images of Drew burned my eyes. I wanted to get up. I wanted to check the locks, make sure no one could get in. However, I was stuck to this bed in this hospital. I couldn’t move in this white, sterile place. I was trapped not only here, but in my head. I felt like a prisoner in both places.
I allowed the tears to fall, never succumbing to sleep.