“Where’s Lynx?” was the first question I asked as I stepped over the threshold into the doctor’s office.
Normally, Lynx made it to the office before me, but it wasn’t just that. It was the vibe in the room. The safety that surrounded this space like a shroud wasn’t there. Poof. Vanished.
I had begun to feel remarkably comfortable in this room, but today, there wasn’t any of that. I could almost taste the difference in the air yet couldn’t put a name to it. The energy was off, putting me on edge to the point my palms began sweating and my heart rate picked up rapidly. Maybe I was making more of this than it was, right?
Wrestler McMann leaned against the front of his desk, his short, stubby legs crossed at the ankles and arms loosely at his sides. He didn’t seem sure of himself or sure about me. Which? I couldn’t tell. The unease chilled my body and my first instinct was to escape, but Nurse Hatchet was by the door, almost like a guard.
She didn’t seem off the entire time we had walked here. She never gave any inkling to something being wrong, but as I looked at her, she had almost a fighter’s stance, like she was waiting for me to come at her.
“What’s going on?” I asked the two, looking between them. I wasn’t sure who to focus on. At this point, both of them were making me nervous.
Wrestler McMann stepped forward and said, “Andi is here.”
My knees nearly gave out. I didn’t know how I kept them locked, but I somehow did. I wrapped my arms around my body as the coldness swept through. It did nothing to keep the heat inside me.
She was here. I had lost track of the days I had been locked up, but I knew it was a few weeks. It had to have been from all the talks with the doctor and the time before.
For most of those weeks, I had hated her, was so damn angry I couldn’t see straight. Then, others, I missed her so much I ached down to my bones. Now, she was here.
I had just told Lynx and the doc about this yesterday. And now … BAM. He was either preparing me for it, or he had set this up. My guess was the latter.
“You need to face Andi,” Wrestler McMann stated when I kept quiet. “You’ve made great progress, but your time is coming to an end here.” Those words snapped my focus, because I needed out of here, like, yesterday. “But don’t act like you think I want to see. That’s why your nurse is here and will stay throughout the duration. We will make that determination.”
A test, one I was more than likely going to fail. Perfect. My time here just kept getting better and better.
My head began to swim like water going fast into a drain, sucking down in a deep swirl. I closed my eyes, trying to stop myself from sinking, but I was still going. Around and around and around, I spun, trying to grasp anything to hold on to. Nothing was there. My breathing picked up, and I found it harder and harder to control.
Was I pissed? Did I miss her? Could I forgive her? What if she hated me for what I had said? What if she couldn’t forgive me for what I was going to do when she was taking care of me?
A hand came to my shoulder, and I flinched away from it, flying across the room to the far wall and slapping my back to the hard surface. Wrestler McMann’s special I-am-a-wonderful-doctor plaques shook from the impact, rattling in my ear.
Nurse Hatchet took a step closer to me, concern and comfort in her eyes that I had become accustomed to and liked, for that matter.
Thoughts of Andi spun out of control in the sea, and I started to panic—deep to my bones panic, like I wasn’t in my body panic. Suddenly, I couldn’t find air. I sucked in and out deeply but still couldn’t find it.
Nurse Hatchet was right in my face, but she didn’t touch me.
“Reign, breathe slowly, in and out,” she kept saying over and over again, but it took a lot of times before I listened, started breathing, and brought myself somewhat under control.
It’s Andi, a soft voice said in the back of my head. I knew it was right. This was Andi, my best friend. I thought back to what Lynx had said about her not really having a choice in what she had done, and the image of seeing her dead on the ground instead of me assaulted me.
I sank down to the floor and pulled my knees up into my body, finally getting my breathing under control. Nurse Hatchet sat next to me, mimicking my position.
“She misses you, too, ya know?”
It hurt to think I was the cause of her pain. I didn’t want to be that. Even if she had betrayed me by putting me in this wretched place, I never wanted to be the source of pain to her; yet, I was.
As tears filled my eyes, it took everything I had to keep them in check.
“Do you want to get up before she comes in, or do you want to stay there?” Wrestler McMann asked.
I had half a mind to take off my rubber shoe and throw it at him. He wasn’t going to give me an out on this. He was going to make me do this. He almost seemed gleeful that he had me. Unfortunately, like Lynx had said, we sometimes got into our own heads and the outside world’s agenda didn’t see ours. So the doctor’s glee didn’t register until much later.
I wanted to blame Andi for putting me in here. I wanted to yell and scream at her for doing this to me. It was like my mind wanted to take me there, but I fought it because what Andi had done was the only thing she could do given the situation, and she cared. When I needed to fall, Andi was there.
I didn’t answer the doc. Instead, I rose from the floor, staying near the wall and using it as my anchor. The rushing water became swirling rapids so fast there was no slowing it. It was going to pull me under.
Nurse Hatchet started grunting from the floor. I noticed she was having trouble getting on one of her knees. Without thinking, I grabbed her arm and helped her up. At her slight touch, the rapids slowed just a bit.
It wasn’t until moments later, when the door opened, I realized I was still holding on to my nurse; only, this time, I was clutching her hand like she was my life force. And she was. Any confidence I found in searching for answers and gaining my power vanished. I was back there, back in that dark pit.
As Andi entered the space, I sucked in a deep breath. Her face was void of the happy sunshine I had grown accustomed to. Now, her eyes were sunken in like she hadn’t slept in a really long time. Her cheeks didn’t have their normal natural glow, and her body was almost frail. This wasn’t the Andi I had left in the car that day. No, this was a shell of her. Even her hair didn’t catch the light like it used to.
My heart hurt with a pain that was harsher than a stab. It was worse. It was bleeding for Andi, just like all those years ago when it had bled for Drew. I had done this to her. I had made her feel this way. I had never wanted that for her.
Although I had wanted her to live her life without the weight of me dragging her down, I had done it anyway. I had sucked her down into my pit, which caused the ache inside me to grow.
I didn’t make a play for her. No, I stayed rooted to the spot with my nurse, still clutching her hand with the force of a car clamp, using her as my brace. I didn’t know what to expect, because I didn’t know how to feel. I was pissed, hurt, scared, lost, and even a bit embarrassed. My blood was pumping through me so hard my heart was thumping in my ears like a loud band playing. I was sure the others in the room would be able to hear it.
Andi clasped her hands in front of her, her eyes locked on me. Tears filled them, and she didn’t stop them from spilling over her cheeks. I could see the pain inside of her was deep to her core, almost totally extinguishing the light in her eyes that I had relied on so much for so long.
The realization hit me hard that I had taken for granted the sunshine she had given me for so long. She had given it to me freely, and I had sucked it up like a starving woman.
The hollow in my gut opened. I couldn’t figure out if I had ever given anything back to her in all that time or if I had just taken.
I didn’t think; I acted. I released Nurse Hatchet’s hand and moved faster than I had moved in a long time. I didn’t catch Andi’s reaction before I engulfed her in my arms and rested my head on her shoulder.
She was statue still for only moments before her arms wrapped around me, and I lost it. Heavy sobs racked me, but these weren’t ones I had shed these past few years. No, these were the earth shattering ones like the moment I thought I had lost Drew. These squeezed my insides and wrung them so tightly I was sure to combust.
Andi’s arms constricted around me as her body began to shake from her own sobs, our bodies moving in tandem. That was when the weight of everything hit me hard, so hard my knees gave out. Andi wasn’t prepared for it, so we both clattered to the floor in a heap without letting go of each other for a second.
We stayed in that exact spot for what felt like forever. Even after the sobs turned into horrible hiccups then into little whimpers, we remained clutched together. Even after the tears dried up, we didn’t move. I simply held on to her, lost in the moment and not wanting to let her go ever.
“Ladies.” The doctor’s voice came from behind me, but we both ignored it, each of us gaining our breaths and trying to still our bodies.
I felt her warmth like a blanket. This was the first time I had felt warmth in so long, and I didn’t want to let it go.
“Ladies.” This time, the words were bolder and terser. I knew my time was up, but I still didn’t want to release her.
“Reign.”
I opened my eyes to see Nurse Hatchet bent down, her eyes shimmering and a small smile playing on her lips.
“We need to do this now,” she told me.
Reluctantly, I released Andi. I smiled when she gave me another strong squeeze before letting me go fully.
When I looked at her, I couldn’t stop a small smile from forming. She was a hot mess: snot down her face; eyes red, almost to the point of swollen; and tear stains all the way down her cheeks. However, it was her eyes that caught me. They were filled with something I couldn’t put my finger on yet wanted to know.
Tissues were pushed in front of my face from Nurse Hatchet’s waiting hand, and I snatched them just as Andi did. I was covered with the same as Andi and had to wipe myself clean. The nurse then handed us the garbage can and we disposed of the tissues, neither of us saying anything.
I was scared down to my toes that she would hate me, that the things I had said to her couldn’t be unsaid. I was terrified what we had built—the friendship, sisterhood—was lost. I couldn’t handle another blow, especially that one.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, which caused tears to well back into Andi’s eyes. “I…” I trailed off, not knowing what to say.
My whole intention on opening my figurative doors was to get the hell out of here so I could end the voices, end the hurt, but I couldn’t tell her that, and I didn’t know if that was the truth anymore, not after the talks with Lynx, Nurse Hatchet—hell, even opening up to the doctor. I didn’t know anymore if that was what my plan needed to be. I also didn’t know how to pull myself out of it, how to stop it without going through with it. Subsequently, I wouldn’t lie to her.
“I’m a mess,” I told her.
She sat in the chair that Lynx normally sat in; except, this time, the two chairs were facing each other in front of the doctor’s desk. The only place we could look was at each other, and as painful as it was to see her so hurt, I didn’t take my eyes away from her because I had caused that. I had made her hurt. I deserved to see that.
“Reign, I didn’t know what else to do.” She shook her head, a tear rolling down her now pale cheek. “When you…”
“I know. It’s—”
“Stop,” the doctor said, interrupting me.
I turned to glare at him. Wasn’t this what he wanted? For us to talk this shit out? Why was he interrupting?
“Reign, you need to let her talk. Let her tell you what she needs to say. She deserves that much.”
That took the wind out of my sails. The little prick was right; I did owe her that and so much more.
I said nothing, only nodded and turned back to Andi.
“Go ahead,” the doctor prompted Andi while Nurse Hatchet took another chair off to the side by the wall. I guessed all was calm and we didn’t need reinforcements so much anymore.
“When I told you to find Drew’s grave”—my heart sank at her opening—“I didn’t know that you would find this. If I had known, I’d have never said it. I swear.”
I made a noise to start talking, but the doctor cleared his throat in a small reprimand. It cost me to keep my lips zipped, but I did it. I only nodded at Andi for her to go on.
“I never thought he would be alive. I only thought that you could say good-bye to him, give yourself some closure so you could live your life instead of being locked up so tight.”
She twisted her fingers this way and that, obviously nervous, and if I wasn’t mistaken, scared. “When you came home and cried and cried and cried, I didn’t know what to do. I called my parents, asking them, and they didn’t really know how to help, either. The only thing they told me was, if I was that scared, then I should take you to the hospital. I did the best I could without going there because I knew you hated them.”
And she had. I knew she had, but at the time, I was so lost that I couldn’t put those pieces together. After all the shit she had done for me, she should get a fucking medal.
Her tears began to flow more quickly. “When I walked in and saw you holding the gun … I knew I couldn’t help. I knew you were so sad, so lost, and I didn’t have the power or the strength to get you back. I wasn’t going to see you dead on the floor.” Her tears became heavier.
I wanted to go to her and give her comfort, but I didn’t feel like I should.
“I know you hate me, but the fact you’re sitting across from me, breathing, is why I did it. But I don’t want you to hate me.” She sobbed, covering her face with her hands.
Fuck it.
I got up, knelt before her, and put my hands on her knees. She removed her hands to stare down at me. The grief and pain etched in every line of her face were like daggers piercing me slowly in and out.
“I was pissed,” I whispered, and she nodded. “I said some things I shouldn’t, and I’m sorry.” I grabbed her hands and clutched them between mine. “I hated that you put me in here, but in a twisted way, I get it.” And I really did. Lynx was right. “I still hate it here,” I said softly. “But I’m getting out soon.”
Hope sprang in Andi’s eyes.
“You might be getting out,” the doctor corrected.
I rolled my eyes to the ceiling. He was so not helping right now. Wasn’t it his job to help people, not hinder them?
I ignored him. “I am. I’m doing better.” Was that a lie even though I had said I wouldn’t lie to her? Was I doing better?
Thoughts drifted to Lynx and his whole “finding my power and strength” business then to my mother and asking her why she hated me so much. It was becoming a bit irritating that he was right so damn much. I wanted those answers. I wanted to know why I had turned out the way I had. What actions had led to me being in a place like this? It was almost like I had gained a purpose in this life to find out why it was so shitty. Strange.
But I wasn’t quite ready to end it all anymore. I wanted my knowledge. I needed my strength, and I craved my power. Therefore, in a way, I was a small, tiny bit better. In turn, I hadn’t lied to her, and that felt good.
“You are?” she asked hesitantly.
I nodded. “You did what you had to do. I didn’t like it … I don’t like it, but—big but here, Andi—I get it. You doing this helped.”
Then she smiled, and when she did, it was like the sunshine filled the room.
And I embraced it.