“I’m going to kill that man. That stupid motherfucker, leaving me all alone.” A woman passed by me on the sidewalk and gave me a crazy side eye. Shit, I was talking out loud.
I put one foot in front of the other and made my way into the tall building in front of me. I hadn’t seen or talked to Greg since he left the girls and me at lunch on Monday afternoon. When we came back to the building he was nowhere in sight, and he didn’t show up to work yesterday and when I came in this morning and still didn’t see him, I wondered whether he was going to come to our first counseling session tonight. The girls had dropped the Greg conversation thankfully, and luckily Max didn’t come down from the fifth floor, but instead emailed me to take over Greg’s accounts for the rest of the week.
He didn’t mention anything being wrong or explain why I needed to do this, but I was glad to take on the work. I hadn’t have lunch with Alexa and Erica since Monday at Bakers. Yesterday when I left the building late, Erica was waiting for me with provisions. She brought gifts of chips and salsa and we watched chick flicks all night.
As I stepped into the elevator to go up to Dr. Coleman, I hoped that Greg would be there waiting for me because I couldn’t walk into that room alone. I couldn’t let my fears come to life, that he would just walk out and leave.
I walked into the waiting room to the office that Judge Baker had referred us to and panic set in when I saw it was empty. I crispy white walls didn’t make it feel like home and the receptionist sat behind her computer not paying attention to what was going on.
“Lilly?” A woman stepped out of a side room. She was tall and thin, with porcelain skin and gorgeous long curly black hair that I was extremely jealous of. She held out a hand to me. “I’m Dr. Tessa Coleman, but you can just call me Tessa.”
“Hi.” My response was short and weary. I reached for her hand and cringed on the inside at her dainty shake. Her hand felt petite, as light as a feather, and had no strength in the shake. I always judged someone by their handshake and I knew instantly that I wasn’t going to get along with this woman.
“Come on back, Greg is already here.” She turned from me and led the way into her room. Sure enough, when I walked in, there was Greg sitting on a long couch, lounging comfortably and concentrating on his phone. This room felt completely different compared to the main lobby. Tessa’s office was a calm tan color with walls filled with books. She had a large window along the back wall that opened up the small space and made you feel comfortable even though you knew that the conversations had here weren’t going to be the easiest.
I sat down on the opposite end of the couch, not paying attention to whether he was still on the phone or if I had caught his attention. Tessa sat down in a chair opposite us and, when she did so, I noticed the dress she wore rode up and it made my eye tick. You didn’t wear that kind of dress if you didn’t plan to impress someone, and as much as I wanted out of this marriage, that someone had better not be Greg.
“Thank you both for coming today.” Tessa reached for a pad of paper and pen and then straightened herself up, prepared for I had no idea what. “Most couples don’t come to the first session or only one does, so I’m excited to have you both here.”
I looked over to Greg, whose attention was now directed towards me. His eyes bore into me, but I didn’t see anger there. I saw a smolder, one that I had seen only right before we kissed. I snapped my attention back to Tessa. She looked a little too hopeful with her wide smile and go-getter attitude.
“What do you need from us?” I may have felt confident, but when I spoke, my voice broke. All the worrying I had done over the last two days came flooding back, and I couldn’t bear to look at Greg. I had tried to drown myself in paperwork, food, and movies, but none of it could prepare me for what was coming today.
“Why don’t we start with why you both think you are here today?” Tessa leaned forward, ready to write down anything we said.
“Easy.” I didn’t look over at Greg when he spoke up. “She wants a divorce.”
There it was again, him blaming me.
“And you don’t?” Tessa probed more as she began taking notes.
“The thought never crossed my mind.” I finally looked over to Greg. He no longer just had his body facing towards me, but had moved closer with a hand placed on the cushion between us. It seemed like I was his only target. That even though Tessa was asking the questions, I was the only one he was wanting to have hear the answers. “But I want her to be happy, so if it’s a divorce she wants, then I’ll let her fight for it.”
“What about you, Lilly?” Tessa shifted her focus back to me and it broke the trance I had on Greg. I looked over to Tessa and answered her the best I could.
“I want a divorce.” I reiterated what Greg had told her.
“Why?” She wrote something down on her pad. I wrung my hands together and then wiped my sweaty palms onto the couch.
“I don’t think we’re good together.”
“Bullshit.” Greg’s response popped out of his mouth so fast. I wasn’t sure either Tessa or I had expected such a response from him.
“We aren’t.” I looked over to Greg, giving him a stern look.
“I’ll say it again.” He inched closer to me, bracing his arm on the cushion behind my head. “Bullshit.”
“Fine.” I was staring him directly in the eyes now. “I don’t trust this.”
I waved a hand between where we were sitting.
“I don’t trust what you think we might have started here, because nothing should have been started to begin with.” I added more to my statement.
I whipped my head back to Tessa, not waiting to see Greg’s face. I didn’t want to see the shock or anger, or whatever he was feeling right now. The counselor asked me, not him.
“Why don’t you trust this, Lilly?” Tessa probed again.
“Did you not hear what I said?” I rolled my eyes at her question. I had already answered her. I knew she was only trying to help, but right now it felt more like she was hurting the situation more than it already was.
“That’s not what I’m asking Lilly. You said what you don’t trust, but why don’t you trust it?” I looked back to Greg and thought long and hard about the feelings I had two years ago when he first kissed me, the night of our wedding, the morning after our wedding, and everything in between. I knew what I felt, but I still had no idea what Greg felt, and that was the biggest fear in all of this. Laying my heart on the line and not being able to see an outcome.
“I don’t trust that he’ll be able to stay. That he won’t leave me. That he’ll love me as much as I love him.” There. I had said it out in the open. The one word I had been feeling for years, but hadn’t really given in to.
I knew people who worked in this field weren’t supposed to show emotions to their patients, but the sad look in Tessa’s eyes almost shattered me. This person I barely knew was seeing a part of me that almost no one had ever seen before. The lump in my throat tried to break free, but I pushed it back down. I pushed down every sad and happy feeling inside of me. This was just a conversation with our marriage counselor, that’s all it was, nothing more.
“How do you feel about this, Greg?” After Tessa’s question, silence filled the office. I didn’t look back over to Greg, but waited to hear his response. The couch moved beside me and I snuck a peak of Greg moving back to the other end, where he had been before, and my heart dropped. I just admitted why I didn’t trust this and he was already pulling away.
I looked around the room, trying to make it so my eyes didn’t land on Greg or Tessa and tried to count the minutes as they passed by.
“Let’s try a different question.” Tessa broke the silence. “How long have you two known each other?”
“Over five years.” We said in unison.
“So, you are knowledgeable about each other then?”
“Humph.” I made a noise at her next question. “You could say that.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Greg shot back at me. I still wasn’t facing him, but was now concentrating on the far wall off to my side. “I’m pretty sure I know you better than anyone else.”
“Now, that’s a lie.” I laughed at his comment.
“How so?” I felt the couch move, but I willed myself not to look his way. “We’ve been best friends for five years, Lilly. We’ve even lived together at one point. You used to come to family dinner every week. We see each other every damn day at work. How can you say it’s a lie that I don’t know you?”
I turned only my head towards him to answer.
“Before you answer that or have any reason to say it’s still not true. Your favorite flowers are black roses. You love the color blue. You first learned to ride a bike when you were twelve and that’s only because one of the neighbor boys showed you how to. You love to create new concoctions when you eat food and are addicted to condiments. You sleep on your back, like a freaking vampire and only snore if you go to bed early. I don’t know what else you want me to say when you think I don’t know you, because fucking hell Lilly, I know you!”
He had screamed his response not at me but to the whole room. He wouldn’t meet my eyes, but I needed him to know that this was so much more than him knowing what I like and didn’t like in my life, but that he had no focus on knowing anything about us.
“Even though we’ve been best friends for over five years, have lived together, and see each other every day at work, and you happen to know what foods I like and how I sleep, doesn’t mean you know me Greg. It doesn’t mean you know us.” That caught his attention and he moved his focus back to me. “You still couldn’t see that I’ve been in love with you for five years, that’s basically the whole time we’ve known each other. You had no idea that these feelings I have aren’t something new. This isn’t something that just came about, Greg.”
I turned away from him again and Greg didn’t respond back to me this time. I watched Tessa out of the corner of my eye as she quickly wrote on her pad.
More silence dragged on in the small room and I wasn’t sure how much time had passed as I looked over each book on Tessa’s shelves, reading the titles from where I sat on the couch. When I finally couldn’t stand it anymore, I turned towards Tessa and could see that Greg was also staring off into space on his end.
“Are we done here?” I looked up at the clock on the wall, seeing that it was almost seven. “He has somewhere to be.”
I laid the excuse on Greg needing to go to his parents’ house, but truthfully I didn’t care where he went or what he did. Okay, maybe that was a lie, but I needed out of this damn room. It was starting to suffocate me.
“Not yet.” Tessa readjusted herself and put her pad and pen down. “There is clearly a disconnection here that you both need to work on, communication being the key part.”
I rolled my eyes at her comment, but Greg chimed in.
“Ya think?” His sarcastic tone didn’t go over my head.
“It’s not like you are one for communication, either.” I looked over to him. I could tell he had been running his hand along his face, a nervous habit, his cheeks were turning a light shade of pink from the friction. The top button of his dress shirt was undone and the tie he was wearing had been loosened. I didn’t remember seeing him this casual when I walked in. “Just save it all for when you talk to your mom tonight, like you always do. Mama’s boy.”
“Don’t bring Mom into this.” Greg stood up from the couch. “This is about us, not her.”
He ran his hands over his face again and I sank back into the couch. Just a few more minutes. I watched as the clock got closer to the seven mark, so close to freedom.
“Don’t worry,” I tried to sound chipper, with my arms crossed and frustration radiating off me. “When you see her tonight for family dinner, she’ll make sure you are fully taken care of. She probably already invited someone over to keep you company.”
Greg narrowed his eyes at me, but when they softened, I knew he knew I was right. It had happened too many times. Margaret had taken it upon herself to invite women over on occasion, so that Greg would have a dinner date for the night. But it wasn’t like his parents knew we were married, so I technically couldn’t blame her.
“Why don’t you go to family dinner tonight, Lilly?” Tessa’s question wasn’t one I was expecting.
“No.” I responded with distaste at going to family dinner tonight. It had been way too long since I had been there and right now just didn’t seem like the time to go back.
“Family dinner it is.” Tessa grabbed for her pad again, writing something down quickly. “You’ll go tonight and on Friday we’ll discuss how it went and whether both of you were able to get in some more communication.”
She looked up to the clock as it struck seven.
“That will be our time today.” Tessa stood and held her hand out to Greg first and then to me after he shook it, like we were all making a deal that we would follow through with what Tessa told us to do. “I’ll see you both same time on Friday.”
I exited the room first, not looking back to see if Greg was following and made my way out of the building. I had taken an Uber here, but as I pulled out my phone to get one to head back to my apartment, Greg snatched the phone out of my hand and headed towards where his car was parked along the street.
“Hey!” I chased after him and was thankful I had changed into jeans, tee, and Converse shoes after I got off work. I caught up to him before the time he had reached his car, my phone nowhere in sight. “Give it back.”
I held out my hand to him and waited, but he didn’t look at me, just grabbed my hand and dragged me, literally, as I tried to fight my way out of his grasp. He forced me to the passenger side of the car and tried to push me into the seat, but I wouldn’t budge. I propped myself against the car door frame as leverage against him.
“Get. In.” Greg’s grip on me loosened but his demeanor changed to something I hadn’t seen before. He stood straight, his shoulders squared to where he was blocking my exit, and the fire in his eyes called to me. Like he was undressing me right there in the street. I leaned towards him without thought and he took the opportunity to shove me into the car, reach across me, and buckle my seatbelt. When he slammed the door to close me in, I didn’t fight it. I was still in a trance from the look in his eyes.
He got into the car only a few seconds later and took off down the road. I almost regretted now changing after work, as I realized that we were headed towards his parents’ house. When I said I hadn’t been there in a long time, I meant it. I hadn’t been there in over a year, since Alexa had moved back into town. It got to the point that, even after she moved in with Max and we weren’t hanging out every night, I knew if she found out that every Wednesday night I went to Greg’s parents for dinner, she would question me more than I was ready for. Even Erica didn’t know that I had gone to the Morans’ for dinner every week, and Jack never mentioned it when we all hung out. It was like a family secret, one that I used to love.
I stared out the window, bracing myself for this two-hour drive, and by the way it was starting, I knew it was going to be a quiet ride.
The drive to the town of Helen was one I typically loved. The mountains and greenery were a sight to see and once in Helen, the experience was breathtaking. The small German town was to die for. The people, the shops, the food— it was all something out of a fairy tale and probably the best kept secret in Georgia.
As we drove through town, the sour taste in my mouth from Greg kidnapping me to take me to family dinner started to diminish. I rolled down the window to take in the scent of fresh bread and baked goods. It really was a fairy tale, but today it felt like we were driving into a Brothers Grimm book rather than a Disney happily ever after.
“We can grab a bag of pickles on the way out tomorrow.” My heart sank at Greg’s words. This was another reason I hated family dinner. It forced us to stay the night. Since Helen was a two-hour drive from Atlanta and we wouldn’t finish dessert and games until almost midnight, unless we wanted to be tired driving back home it meant sleeping in his parents’ house. Typically in the same room since there are only three spare bedrooms and Greg’s brother and sister took the others. At one point, years ago, I questioned why I had always slept in the same room as Greg. But then I thought about the times Delilah brought a boyfriend or that Jack snores could be heard throughout the house, and it made sense to sleep in the same room as Greg.
Family dinners were never the excuse I gave to Erica when I started coming into work late on Thursdays. And since Greg was my boss, it didn’t seem to matter to me to explain it more. When I stopped going and started showing up on time to work on those days Erica had questioned me, but I just told her I got a new alarm clock and stopped staying up late on those nights. It seemed to have worked, but I knew from the outside it all looked fishy if you weren’t in on the relationship between Greg and me.
“Okay.” My answer was monotone. I couldn’t let him know that, even though I was upset about having to spend the night, the excitement of getting a bag of fresh pickles from town was exciting me to no end. Fresh pickles. My weakness.
We stayed quiet for the rest of the drive up one of the mountains, winding up and up until we reached our destination. It wasn’t so much a house as it was a giant log cabin. Greg’s parents had money, old money, but they used it conservatively and this was one of the only luxury items they bought. That way the kids would always be able to come back to see them and there would never be an argument of there not being enough room.
Once the car stopped at the top of the hill, I made my way out and over to where Jack was waiting by the front door. I hadn’t noticed if Greg had been messaging anyone that we were on our way, but considering the time, I thought everyone would still be eating. But no. There was Jack holding two glasses of amber liquid. I reached him and grabbed for a glass, shooting back whatever was inside that sent a fever of fire down my throat, then shoved the glass back into his hand and grabbed for the other.
“Not even a hello? Just shooting back my best Bourbon?” Jack was a package deal when it came to Greg. They were twins, but not identical in looks or personality. Jack was broad with lots of muscles, tattoos, and a growing beard. Greg, on the other hand, was lean but toned, only a hint of scruff, but both had a buzz cut that would have any girl’s panties drop.
“It’s okay.” I took a swig from the second glass. It was more than okay, this baby was doing me in and I had barely had any.
“Just okay? Come on, sis, I know you can do better than that.” Jack shot me a wink just as I was about to go in for a second sip. The glass laid against my lips as my eyes shot up to him. The devilish grin on his face assured me I was correct in what I thought I heard him say.
“You fucking told him?!” I turned around and shouted at Greg, not realizing he was standing directly behind me. He grabbed for the glass in my hand and took the last sip, then handed it to Jack.
“You told the girls.” Greg said it matter of factly, and walked around me and into the house. Who else knew? Shit. Shit. Shit.
I was not prepared for this. It felt like Greg had something up his sleeve, and I just wanted to run away, but now I was stranded on a mountain at my in-laws’ house.
“Come on, sis, let’s see if we can find Delilah.” Jack grabbed for my hand as we followed Greg into the house. I could smell the barbecue coming from the direction of the kitchen. My mouth watered instantly. I had forgotten how much I loved the inside of this house, too. There were family photos everywhere, trinkets the kids had made throughout the years, and it felt like a home.
This place really was a home, though. More home than my own house was growing up. The love that radiated through these walls made me jealous. Greg and his siblings grew up with the kind of love I had always wished for from my own family. We had never taken family photos and my parents saw no meaning behind anything that I made in school. I had no idea if this was how it was with my siblings, but that shouldn’t have mattered.
“Lilly!” I heard and felt Delilah before I saw her. Her arms were wrapped around me as her body hugged to my back. Delilah was only a year younger than the guys, and two years older than me. Greg and Jack always took care of her and I had adopted her as a sister, too.
“Hey, Delilah,” I turned around to bring her into a proper hug. Out of everything I missed about this house, I missed her the most. If she lived closer to Atlanta, I’m pretty sure she would be a part of the little tribe Alexa, Erica and I had going on, but she didn’t and that wasn’t something I could change. Delilah loved it here, the small-town vibes. She owned her own jewelry shop in town that was always booming with business. “I’ve missed you.”
“I missed you, too.” She hugged me tighter, but let go when I heard a resounding cough come from behind me. I turned around to see Margaret and David Moran standing there waiting for their greeting.
“You look lovely, darling.” Margaret reached me first after taking the time to compliment me, her southern charm always showing through. I gave her a brief hug and then moved over to David, who stood there stoically, like my being in this house again didn’t affect him, which I knew it did. David and I had built a father-daughter relationship that technically shouldn’t have happened, but he was definitely more of a father to me than my biological father.
“David.” I said his name as a greeting as I stood there, not sure if I should go in for a hug or just stay where I was.
“Don’t call me that.” He grabbed for me and pulled me into a bear hug. He was taller than both Jack and Greg and the muscles that adorned this middle-aged man astounded me and were almost crushing me at this moment.
“Don’t kill her, Dad.” Greg laughed at his father’s enthusiasm and I let a sob break free from me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him tighter to me. My legs were far enough from the ground that, if I were dropped, I probably wouldn’t land on my feet.
He pulled back and held me with only one arm as he used his free hand to wipe away the tears streaming freely down my face.
“You okay, munchkin?” I loved and hated his nickname for me. I wasn’t that short at all. In fact, I was the same height as Greg and Jack, but since I was shorter than David he always loved to tease me.
“I’m good, Dad.” I felt relieved once I said the name I knew he wanted me to call him by. Everyone in this house had always heard me call David “Dad,” and it wasn’t something anyone was uncomfortable with, even Delilah. I was a part of this family forever.
David set me on the ground and I looked around at all the bright faces in this room. I so desperately wanted to be a part of this family in a bigger way than they even knew, but as my eyes landed on Greg’s, my heart sank because the smile on his face reminded me that one day this could all be gone.
With one word. With one drive. He could be out of my life.
I just couldn’t chance it.
I wouldn’t chance it.
I needed this marriage to be over.