Chapter 30
JP flicks on the light to his condo, and I drop my overnight bag and purse on the floor in his hallway.
“Allow your bellhop to handle this,” JP teases, leaning over and affectionately kissing my cheek. He swiftly picks up my bag, as I know me dropping it in the hallway probably drives his neat and orderly self crazy, and he strides down the hallway, toward the master bedroom to properly put it away.
I bite my lower lip, doing my best to keep the torment off my face. We went out to dinner with Matt and Holly after the game, and JP asked why I was so quiet, especially after a 4-0 dominating win over Los Angeles. I claimed I was tired from the photo shoot I had the day before, which he seemed to buy as he knows those can be exhausting.
Holly wasn’t convinced. She asked me during the game if I was okay. I said yes, but her raised eyebrow told me she wasn’t buying that at all. Of course, she wouldn’t. Holly knows me better than anyone. Then she texted me during dinner, from across the table, and said we would meet tomorrow after barre class, no excuses, for Oreo cupcakes and coffee.
JP returns to the living room. He’s doffed his jacket and tie and is now wearing one of his luxurious, crisp-white dress shirts and suit pants. The lights from downtown Dallas illuminate his living room, casting a gorgeous light over him, and my heart nearly breaks in half.
I love him with all my heart.
And I don’t know if he is capable of truly loving me back.
“I worked on something for you,” JP says, sitting down at the piano bench. “Come here, my mermaid.”
I move across the room, my chest squeezing tight. I sit down next to him, his spicy, assertive cologne wrapping around me, and I fight back tears.
I want him to love me.
For me.
Not because I was the only option available for love.
JP unbuttons the cuffs on his dress shirt and takes a moment to roll up the sleeves, revealing the forearms that have held me so protectively on so many nights the past month.
I study his profile illuminated in the darkness and see the barest hint of a five o’clock shadow sweeping along his jaw. With his sleeves rolled up, he’s studying the sheet music in front of him. His eyes shine as he is about to play music, one of his greatest passions.
“I learned this for you,” he says, smiling at me. “You’ll see why once I start playing it.”
I watch as JP shifts his focus to the piano keys, his fingers flying across them as the musician in him comes to life.
I recognize the song as soon as he starts playing.
It’s “Kiss the Girl” from The Little Mermaid.
JP sings to me, his rich baritone filling the air, and my emotions become a muddled mess.
This man is singing a song for me. His little mermaid.
My heart fights back, railing against my brain.
I don’t care how many girls he tried to find love with. The past doesn’t matter. JP’s patterns don’t matter.
What we have does.
I fight the lump in my throat as I watch him sing.
JP is playing this song for me, not because I’m merely here, but because I’m his mermaid. I’m the one he wants to sing to.
This is real.
It has to be.
JP finishes and turns to me. When he sees tears in my eyes, his face turns to one of concern.
“Reese? Honey? What’s wrong?” he asks, putting his hand to my face.
Warmth surges through me the second I feel his skin against mine.
I swallow hard before speaking. “I like that you sing for me,” I say, my voice thick. “Thank you.”
I lean in and kiss him, savoring the warmth of his mouth, the taste of his tongue, and the way his facial scruff moves against my skin. I lift my hands to his hair, and then I slide them down to his neck, needing intimacy with the man I love.
I move my hands to his chest, and JP murmurs against my mouth.
“Post-game celebration?” he whispers against my lips.
I find myself smiling. “You can score more than once tonight, my Jean-Pierre,” I say, unbuttoning his shirt and feeling his strong, muscular chest with my hands. “If you are so inclined.”
“I’m inclined,” JP says, kissing me again.
I shove all my tormented thoughts away. I’m once again going back to the beginning. To live in the moment. To allow myself to express my love for JP, knowing he doesn’t love me in the same way. To allow myself to receive the feelings he does have.
While I pray with all my heart that someday he will love me not for love, but for me.
~ ~ ~
October 14th
Today’s Schedule: Teach Barre Class, 6:30 AM
Coffee with Holly at Roast & Grind, 7:45 AM
Lunch with JP, 12:30 PM
Dinner with Mom, 7 PM
“What is going on with you?” Holly asks as soon as we’re seated at a table for two in our favorite coffee shop. “You were fine during the first period of the game, but after that you were quiet and you weren’t yourself at dinner. What happened?”
I fixate on my plate of hard-boiled eggs and cup of oatmeal with peanut butter. I’m prepping for a huge fitness shoot in two weeks, and my diet is full of protein as a result.
But I’m too busy avoiding Holly’s perceptive gaze to eat.
I don’t want to talk about what Emma said because I know Holly will be mad she said it.
Even if it was true.
I don’t need to be the center of drama in the WAGS, so I formulate the best answer I can before meeting the concerned eyes of my best friend.
“I sometimes wonder what JP’s real feelings are for me,” I say carefully.
Holly pauses, putting her fork down before she takes a bite of her Oreo cupcake for breakfast.
“What do you mean by that?”
I fiddle with my spoon. “Did you ever worry that Matt wasn’t on the same page as you?”
Holly furrows her brow. “In what way?”
I absently drag my spoon through the oatmeal. “My feelings have changed from what we agreed to when we started dating.”
Holly is silent. “You fell in love with him.”
I don’t say anything.
“Reese, this is the best thing ever,” Holly insists, her voice taking on an excited edge. “For so long, you seemed resistant to the idea.”
“Resistant? I met boring guys. I wasn’t resistant,” I insist.
“Okay.”
“Argh, I hate when you say ‘okay’ like that.”
“Like I don’t believe you?”
“Yes.”
We both laugh, and I watch with envy as Holly breaks off a piece of her cupcake with her fork, dragging it through the decadent top layer of creamy frosting, flecked with Oreo goodness.
Oh, I really want to eat one, with all the emotional stress I’m feeling.
Or five.
“Regardless,” Holly declares, pausing to eat a bite of cupcake, “you didn’t plan to fall in love with JP, but you did.”
I can’t admit it, even though I know it’s true. It’s another level of vulnerability I can’t allow myself to have, not now, knowing the story Emma shared.
“But I know what JP and I agreed to,” I say, reframing my thoughts. “He wants to date exclusively, he’s made that clear, but what if it doesn’t go beyond dating?”
Holly puts her fork down. “You’re afraid he won’t love you back.”
I don’t say anything.
“Oh, Reese,” Holly says, “JP is crazy about you. I promise you he is. Just because he hasn’t said it doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel it or that he’s not in the process of falling in love.”
“But what if he’s not? What if we have this great relationship and he walks away? What if he breaks my heart?”
To my surprise, my voice catches on the last word, and Holly immediately puts her arm around me.
“I know this is scary,” she says softly. “Love is exhilarating and magical, but it can also be terrifying when you’re uncertain.”
I grab my napkin and dab my tears with it. “Now that I’ve been with him, I can’t imagine being without him.”
Or the idea of him deluding himself into loving me because he feels I’m the last resort, I add to myself.
Which would be worse than being alone.
“Hey,” Holly says, stroking my hair in a soothing way. “Trust JP. Allow your relationship to grow. Love is worth being vulnerable for, even if you’re scared. JP is worth it. You and I both know he is.”
I nod, thinking of how we made love last night. How I was able to focus on us and what we have.
If we are going to move forward, I have to put my faith in him and know his feelings will continue to grow.
To be real.
And hope my vulnerable heart isn’t broken as a result.