Chapter 33
I stare out of the window of the passenger seat as JP drives. I put on the greatest performance of my life for the past hour at the shower. Smiling. Laughing. Engaging in small-talk while JP’s arm was looped over my shoulders.
The whole time I was fighting back tears, knowing JP will never love me.
The scenery blurs in my eyes. I don’t think JP even realizes what he’s done.
He’s convinced himself that he cares about me because he wants a relationship, but does he feel real love? Love that makes him want to discover new things about me and fall more in love with me as he does? Find true amusement in my messy habits and love of Oreos? Miss my touch and the unique scent of my perfume at night when he’s in a hotel room on the road?
No.
I bite down hard on my lower lip, so hard I taste blood.
Anybody could be what JP needs.
“Hey,” JP says, reaching for my hand as he drives through Nate’s neighborhood. “What’s wrong?”
I can’t face him. I can’t.
Because I know as soon as I do, our relationship will be over.
I have no choice but to break up with JP. I can’t continue with him, knowing this.
While I know it needs to be done and this is for the best, it’s tearing me apart to know I have to let him go.
“Reese, you haven’t been yourself this afternoon,” JP says, his voice laced with concern. “Honey, please tell me what’s wrong.”
I shake my head. I can’t do this.
Suddenly, the car sharply veers off to the side of the street and JP throws the car into park. I gasp in surprise, shocked by his decisive action.
But the second I do, I burst into tears.
“Reese, please, talk to me,” JP implores, putting his hands on my face. “Baby, what’s happened? What is it?”
“I can’t do this anymore,” I cry.
His eyes grow wide with alarm.
“Do what?” he asks, his voice taking on an urgent edge. “Reese, what?”
“I can’t see you anymore,” I blurt out.
JP drops his hands from my face. His expression changes to one of complete shock.
“What?” he gasps. “Wh-What do you mean?”
“I can’t continue this lie,” I say. “Because this is a lie. I know you don’t realize it, but it is.”
JP stares at me long and hard, his chest rising and falling quickly, as if he’s struggling to get air. I can tell my words have sent him reeling. He turns his gaze straight ahead, and I watch in agony as he swallows hard. JP puts his hands on the steering wheel, gripping it, and I see his knuckles have turned white.
“I wanted this to be real,” I say, choking out the words, “but it’s not.”
JP continues to look straight ahead. He’s still not speaking.
“This is for the best,” I whisper. “Even though it hurts.”
JP remains frozen.
Then he slowly turns toward me. A sob escapes my throat when I see the devastation in his hazel eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I choke out over the new sob threatening to erupt in my throat. “Goodbye, JP.”
Then I scramble out of his car, as I can’t take being around him any longer.
I begin to run down the sidewalk, not knowing where I’m going. I don’t make it far before I hear his car door open and JP running after me. Unfortunately, I can’t go fast in my heeled suede boots, and soon JP is in front of me, cutting me off and bringing me to a stop by putting his hands on my arms.
“How could you do this to me?” JP demands, his voice thick with pain. “I believed you. I trusted you with my heart.”
“You don’t want me,” I say, as sick as it makes me to utter those words. “You just want a girl.”
JP furrows his brow as if my words confuse him.
“What are you talking about?” JP asks, his grip tightening on my arms.
I become angry. “You have a checklist: girlfriend, fiancée, wife. You don’t want me, you only want to check the boxes, JP!”
JP gasps as my words hit him. “You actually think that?”
I try to wriggle free, but JP won’t let go.
“I was the one who said yes,” I say. “That’s why you convinced yourself you liked me!”
“What are you talking about?” JP yells back.
“You were looking for anyone! Jen. Anna. Lexi. Holly,” I say, tripping over the name of my best friend. “I know about all of them!”
“Know what?” JP asks.
“You wanted to marry Jen after a month!”
“What?” JP yells, losing his cool. “That’s crazy! I never wanted to marry Jen!”
“She told me you were the kind of guy you marry!”
“Yes. She said I was a good guy, the kind you marry, and she broke up with me because she thought I was too serious. That doesn’t mean I wanted to marry her. Even if I had, what does that have to do with us? Tell me.”
“It has everything to do with us! All you want is to get married. It doesn’t matter who the girl is. I’m sorry, but I need more than that.”
JP angrily releases my arms, taking a step back from me. “Who are you?”
“What?”
“I thought you knew me better than anyone ever has,” JP says. “I do want to be married. I do get serious with girls because I know what I want and I’m not into playing the field, but that doesn’t mean I wanted to marry any of them. You should know how I feel about you. The way I look at you. The way I speak to you. The way I’ve made love to you, Reese. You should know.”
JP’s words make my stomach drop out.
Because they make sense.
“I held back saying anything because you were so afraid of being hurt,” JP continues, his voice full of anguish. “I didn’t know if you wanted to hear what I felt.”
“Don’t act like this was all because of me,” I counter. “You were used to women leaving you if you expressed your feelings. When you told me you didn’t want to label us, I thought you needed time to fall in love with me. But, the truth was, you needed time to find a way to love me.”
“Don’t you dare say that.”
“Then how do you feel? Tell me,” I implore him.
Anguish fills his face.
“You can’t do it” I cry. “You can’t tell me how you feel. So, either you don’t love me, or you can’t tell me because you’re afraid I’m like Jen. Or Anna. And I won’t return your feelings.”
JP remains frozen.
I begin to fall apart.
“You don’t love me or you could say it. You’ve put me in that same category, the same as everyone else. I’m interchangeable. I allowed myself to be vulnerable to you, do you understand that? This is exactly what I wanted to avoid! You’ve broken me. You have. You will never love me. I’m merely the girl to complete your love story.”
JP’s eyes flash angrily, and I know I’ve infuriated him with my words. He’s going to strike back now, I can feel it.
“Interchangeable? That’s bullshit!” JP roars.
My stomach drops out when I hear the raw anger in his voice.
“You are everything to me, and you can’t even see it. All you see me as is some loser willing to take whatever woman who said ‘yes’ to be his girlfriend. No woman who truly knew me would ever think I was that pathetic and desperate. I chose you. But you don’t know me. You don’t. It kills me to hear you say these things about me. About us.”
My heart stops as I see the torment on his face.
He’s telling me the truth.
I was wrong. My own fears drove me not to listen to my heart.
Now I’ve destroyed what we have with my words.
He clears his throat.
“I’ll take you home for the last time,” JP, ever the gentleman, says.
I see tears glistening in his eyes.
“JP.” My voice breaks. “I don—”
“Please don’t say anything else,” he says. “You’ve already broken my heart enough tonight.”
“I can’t,” I say, taking a step back from him.
“I’m not leaving you here.”
“You are,” I say, the tears streaming down my face. “Don’t come near me. You deserve better than this. Than me. But one thing is true. I love you, JP. And I always will.”
Then I turn and run, leaving JP behind.
With my heart, which will always belong to him.