I squeeze my eyes shut as the shower curtain is pulled back, knowing instinctively that she’s finally come for me.
I’ve only been here for eight weeks, but from the moment Dee Dee set her eyes on me, I knew that she had a problem with me: that nothing good would come from the way she stared at me.
It’s a big change coming from juvie to being in a women’s prison. Simple things like trying to figure out the hierarchy here become complicated and at times, dangerous. You just have to keep your head down and not give anybody the chance to come at you or single you out.
My first mistake was looking Dee Dee in the eyes, my second was sitting in a chair that she deemed off-limits from the time my ass touched the plastic seat.
“Time’s up,” she whispers.
I open my eyes, trying my hardest not to look into her dark-brown, evil eyes as the water cascades down my body. I see the sneer that lifts up the corner of her lips and then my eyes avert to behind her where Sheila and Taz are standing.
I don’t know who I’m scared of most; all I know is that my exit is blocked and there’s no way that I’m going to get away without being hurt.
“I—”
“Ah ah ah,” Dee Dee says, stepping forward and pressing her finger to my mouth as she trails her other hand over my chest and squeezes, making me wince in pain.
My breath stutters in my chest as the other two step forward, shutting the curtain behind them and effectively blocking us from any prying eyes. Not that anyone would say anything; after all, they don’t want to be on the other end of their rage.
I feel something cold touch my face and I recoil from it, but it doesn’t stop, and when I look down, I see that it’s a homemade shank, a small razor blade melted onto the end of a toothbrush.
Taz trails it down the side of my neck, over my shoulder and down my side; all the while Dee Dee squeezes my breasts and holds me in place.
I shoot up in bed, my head snapping side to side as the memory fizzles out of my brain, my whole body covered in sweat and my hand holding onto my side.
I lift my tank top up, running my finger over the five-centimeter vertical, silver scar that runs down my side, joining to a horizontal scar. T… for Taz.
She marked me, made me effectively hers.
Ever since that day, I’ve kept my head down but also been a punching bag for her. I thought it was Dee Dee that was the head of their little gang; how wrong I was. It was actually Taz; she’d sit on the sidelines, able to see things from a different perspective and work out who was loyal to her and who wasn’t. The only people who knew she was actually the head were me, Dee Dee, and Sheila.
My breaths start to slow as I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to block out the memories. I’m not there now, I’m out of that place, trying to build a new life. They can’t get me here now: none of them can.
I say it like a chant in my head until the buzzing sound in my ears stops and my breathing is back to normal.
All I want is to have one night of sleep where I don’t wake up having relived one of the memories that happened in that place. I need to find my own identity, to become something—someone.
The job at the community center is something that I enjoy, I like having someone trust me to be there on my own, but it’s not what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to be able to help people. In what way I don’t know yet, but I’m sure my path will show itself sooner or later. I hope.
I pull back the covers, planting my feet on the floor and pushing up, stretching my arms over my head and releasing all of the tension that is flowing through me.
“Lexi? Is that you?”
“Yeah.” I step forward and pull the door to my bedroom open and see Livvy standing there, a worried look on her face.
“You okay, lovely?”
“I—Yeah, I’m good.” I plaster a smile on my face.
Her eyes flit between mine, probably knowing that I’m lying but she won’t ask me about it. She’s gotten used to my weird behavior these last few weeks and I’m sure she thinks I’ll open up to her at some stage. I won’t though. I don’t want her to know who I am, what I’ve done; especially inside those walls.
She shakes her head and waves her arm for me to follow her. I head down the hallway to the last door on the right and into the kitchen. The pine wooden doors that sit on the units make the kitchen feel warm, that coupled with the large pine bench that she uses as a kitchen table.
I sit down and she places a plate of eggs and bacon in front of me. “You didn’t have to—”
“Shush, child.” She chuckles and then hands me a glass of OJ and sits opposite me. “I wanted to. Now you just eat and get some energy, I need you to run me some errands today.”
I look up at her, a frown on my face. This last week her joints have gotten worse; she suffers from arthritis and some days she can hardly move, whereas others she’s on the go nonstop. Today looks like one of those days where she’s struggling.
“You shouldn’t have cooked this if you’re not feeling good,” I admonish her.
“It may have taken me twice as long, but if you’re going to be running errands for me, then it’s the least I can do.”
I blow out a breath. “You can’t tell you anything, you know that?”
“I know,” she answers, a mischievous grin on her face. “It’s the rebel in me.”
I laugh as she winks at me and pick up a piece of candied bacon, moaning when it touches my tongue, exploding over my taste buds and creating a party in my mouth.
I sit in silence for the next ten minutes, savoring every bite while Livvy makes a list of errands that she needs done.
“I’ll go and get ready then,” I tell her, carrying my plate and glass over to the sink, rinsing them and placing them in the dishwasher afterward.
“Okay, lovely. I’ll still be sitting here.” She winces and I can’t stop my stomach from dipping. I saw the same thing happen to my gran, only she didn’t have the meds that Livvy does. It all seems like déjà vu; it’s all too real and it starts to choke me.
I can’t be here, I can’t think of my gran.
I need to block it all out and concentrate on getting ready and going out to run these errands, not thinking about a past that I can’t change. No matter how much I wish that I could.
* * *
I run down as fast as I can; the circulation in my hands being cut off from the heaviness of the bags. My Chucks slap against the sidewalk as sweat pours down the middle of my back: I can only imagine how red my face is right now.
After running errands for Livvy all day, I missed the bus and had to wait for the next one which has now made me late: I have fifteen minutes to get back, change clothes, and then make my way to the community center. I can’t be late.
“Whoa there!” Hands cup my upper arms as I start to stumble and I gasp, looking up into Mal’s light-brown eyes. “Where’s the fire?”
“I—” I take gasps for breaths; trying to talk when you’re out of breath is almost impossible. “Livvy—bad day... errands... missed bus... late for work.”
He nods at my scattered words, seeming to understand exactly what I’m saying.
“The community center?” he asks, letting me go and taking the bags out of my hands.
“Erm… yeah. What are you doing?” I ask, frowning down at his hands now but also shaking my fingers out at the relief of them not digging into my hands anymore.
“Helping you.” He shrugs and crosses the road, me following at his heels, confused.
“But—”
“You head in and get changed, you don’t want to be working in those sweaty clothes.” He chuckles to himself as he walks up the path to Livvy’s house and opens up the door.
“Lexi? Is that you? I was wondering where you…” She stops as she sees Mal, and I pop my head to the side so that she can see me.
“She missed the bus,” Mal answers, walking through the living room and into the kitchen.
“Oh no.” Livvy’s face drops. “You only have ten minutes to get to work.”
“I know!” I shout back to her as I run down the hallway and into my room, pulling my clothes off and grabbing some cleans ones before shooting into the bathroom to freshen up.
Three minutes later I’m ready to start the run to the community center.
“Hold up there, pretty lady!” Mal shouts as I pass the kitchen and shout bye.
“Huh?”
“I’ll give you a ride, I’m heading that way anyway.”
I stand still and frown, looking from him to Livvy, wondering if she asked him to take me. She must see it on my face because she holds her hands up in the air. “I didn’t ask.”
“Then why—”
“I like you.” Mal shrugs. “Come on.” He waves his arm and heads out of the door, over the road and to his house.
“Well, go on,” Livvy encourages.
“I—” I huff out a breath. “Right, yes. I’ll help put the stuff away when I get back.”
I don’t wait for her to answer before I shut the door and jog over to Mal where he sits in his shiny black eco car.
“You don’t have to do this, you know,” I say as I get into the car, pulling the seatbelt on and shuffling in the seat.
“I know, but like I said, I like you.”
I swallow and nod my head, clasping my hands in my lap all the while trying not to say what I desperately want to. I don’t understand how he can like me. I’m a criminal, someone that they don’t know. I could be a murderer for all they know, maybe even a serial killer.
“I can see those wheels turning,” Mal says as he stops at a red light. “Stop overthinking. I don’t care about your past, only about who you are now and who you want to become.” The car moves forward when the light turns green. “Cal and I have had our fair share of criticism, of hate, not just from people who don’t know us, but from people we love. We know what it’s like to be judged before you’ve even opened your mouth, so you’ll always have our friendship.”
“I… Wow.”
He nods his head and smiles sadly before his eyes widen. “You know.” He brings the car to a stop outside of the community center. “Cal never likes anyone off the bat, sometimes I’m not even sure if he likes me.” He winks. “But he took an instant liking to you. That never happens.” He raises a brow. “Never.”
“I—”
“Anyway! Enough of the ramblings from a middle-aged man.” He smirks and raises his brows when I flick my gaze to his salt and pepper hair and open my mouth. “Middle-aged... I repeat: I’m middle-aged.”
“Got it.” I chuckle and put my hand on the door handle, pushing the door open as I unclick my belt from the holder. “Thanks for the ride. I really appreciate it.”
“No probs, pretty lady.”
I step out of the car and shut the door softly behind me, standing and waving as he pulls back out onto the road. I wait until I don’t see his car anymore and then start to turn around but someone shouting from the other side of the road gains my attention.
I look around me but I don’t see anybody else but me, so I can only assume that it’s my attention the woman is trying to get.
“Hey!”
“Me?” I ask, pointing at my chest as she jogs over the road.
“Yes, you,” she sneers. “Was that Malcolm?”
“I—yes?” I look around and frown, not understanding why she’s asking.
“How do you know him?” She plants her hands on her hips and it draws my attention to her belt where a badge and handcuffs sit, amongst other things. It’s at this point that I realize she’s a police officer. My breath catches in my throat and I back away.
It doesn’t matter that I haven’t done anything wrong, I can’t help my reaction to her. The last time I saw a police officer—it was an accident, a total accident, I didn’t mean to.
“Well?” she asks again, I can see that she’s getting impatient with me but I can’t seem to form any words, the uniform that she wears rendering me incapable. My eyes track her face and her auburn hair.
“Lexi!” I spin around at the gruff old voice, my shoulders sagging at the sight of Roy.
“You know her?” the woman sneers at Roy, but he ignores her as he walks toward us and takes my arm lightly, pulling me away.
“Geena.” He nods at her and then turns to face me. “Is everything okay?” I can see what he’s asking but I don’t know what to say so I just nod and shuffle my feet. “You head on in and get started.”
“Okay,” I whisper, spinning around and practically running into the center.
I make a beeline for the office, taking my jacket off and hanging it up before I clear the boxes that are on the floor: a new delivery of supplies for the several classes that are held here each week.
“You wanna stay away from that one.” Roy’s voice has my head snapping up. “She’s plain mean. I shooed her away for now, but just know that she’s like a dog with a bone.”
“I—okay.”
“You don’t owe her an explanation as to who you are or why you’re here. Just say you moved to town.” He shrugs and starts to take off his coveralls. “I fixed the roof today so we shouldn’t have any leaks now.”
“Oh! Awesome!” I hold my hand up for a high five and he watches it for several seconds, finally realizing that I’m not going to put it down until he gives me a high five. His palm hits mine and then my smile turns into a frown. “Wait… you were on the roof on your own?”
“Yep.” He grabs his own jacket and pushes his feet into his normal shoes.
“Shouldn’t you have had someone I dunno… holding the ladder?”
He shrugs and turns around, holding his hand up in the air while shouting that he’ll see me tomorrow.
I shake my head at him but can’t stop the smile that kicks up the side of my mouth. He may be eighty years old but he acts like he’s still in his mid-twenties.
* * *
I flip the lock on the door when the last of the women from the self-defense class leave and head back into the main room, ready to clear all of the equipment away. I haven’t seen Lexi since the diner last week where I introduced her to the awesomeness that is milk and pie.
I had to cancel my Friday session the day after seeing her. I wonder if she thinks I’m now avoiding her.
When she ran into me—literally—and told me about her new boots, I knew I couldn’t walk away without having a real conversation. She’s awkward, and I can’t help but wonder if it’s because she spent the last five years in prison without anybody to really interact with.
So, I gave in and did a search on her. I didn’t even realize I was doing it until her photo popped up on my screen, that’s what I’m gonna keep telling myself anyway. It was a pure accident, my fingers worked on autopilot. I needed to know who she is, and that I’m not working with a serial killer.
Fine, fine! You caught me... she intrigues me. So shoot me.
When I found out she was tried as an adult at the age of fifteen, I was sure that she’d done something really bad. I couldn’t believe that I’d let her fool me, but then I read the report and the anger surged through me like nothing else ever has. She shouldn’t have been tried as an adult, not for what she did.
I wanted to search for more, find all of the ins and outs of the case, but ultimately, I clicked off it, deciding it’s best for me to not get involved. No matter how much I wanted to.
She’s been in town for nearly three weeks, and from the moment I met her, I knew there was something else to her than what she tries to portray. I see it in her eyes when she looks at me, especially when her defenses are down.
I shake my head, pulling my cell out and clicking on my playlist, clicking on “Shut Up and Dance,” nodding my head at the beat and rolling the mats up.
I open my mouth, singing along with the words, playing the air guitar and letting my head hang back as I close my eyes, the music flowing through me.
Holding my hands up in the air, I scream the chorus, rolling my hips and lifting one foot off the floor, spinning around and dropping my air guitar on the floor, picking up my imaginary drumsticks and smashing my invisible drums with them.
A melodic laugh catches my attention and I snap my head up, watching Lexi’s lips that are lifted into a smile as her foot taps to the beat.
“Having fun?”
I nod at her and shake my hips some more, moving closer to her.
“I can’t remember the last time I listened to music and danced.” A faraway look glazes over her eyes and she looks away. Before I know what I’m doing, I’m dancing over to her, pulling on her hand and spinning her around.
“What are you doing?” Her voice hitches as I sway her side to side with the beat, singing the words and telling her to dance with me.
I let go of her hand and dance around her, my head bopping along to the music. “Come on, Lexi. Show me what you’ve got.”
She throws her head back, laughing when I spin her around again before pulling her into my arms and looking down at her, not letting up on my singing.
My hands grip her waist as hers land on my biceps, squeezing softly as I bend at my knees, bringing our faces level as the beat sounds through the small speakers and the singer’s voice lowers.
I keep my eyes connected with hers as I sing the words, my voice getting louder when his does. I stand up to my full height, hearing the last riffs of the song as I grab her hand and spin her around again. She squeals, her hand gripping onto mine tighter as she slips. I try to save her, but my foot slips on one of the mats that I left on the floor.
I see it happen before it does, we both go tumbling to the floor in slow motion and at the last second, I wrap my arms around her waist, softening the blow as my back hits the floor. “Ooof!”
She tries to get up at the same time as I do, our heads smacking off each other. She laughs awkwardly as I groan from the impact, immediately apologizing.
I move to the right to get up only she moves the same way. I keep my eyes connected with her chin as I move the other way at the same time she does.
“Sorry,” she whispers, her cheeks reddening as she tries to get up but slips, landing back on my chest with a thud. “Shit!”
My chest vibrates with silent laughter as the back of my head drops to the floor before I lift back up and try to get up again.
I hear her breath catching in her throat as my face comes within centimeters of hers, my gaze landing on hers and watching the green brighten. The music dies down as my gaze flicks from her eyes and down to her lips. My hands instinctively tighten on her waist as I stare into her mesmerizing eyes. I’m drowning; drowning in the depths of them and I have a feeling that no one will save me.
What the hell am I doing?
“Lexi.” My breath fans over her face as I lean closer.
She doesn’t move, almost as if she’s afraid to breathe.
We stay locked in the stare for several seconds before her hand wanders up my arm, over the veins and up to my broad shoulder. My eyes close at the contact as a shiver rolls through me.
“Evan,” she pleads. What is she pleading for? For me to help her up? To move closer? To close the distance and touch my lips to hers? I have no idea.
My eyes snap open at the sound of the music being cut off and a ringtone echoing around the room. The ringtone that I assigned to Geena.
I let the shutters fall over my eyes, realizing what could have happened just now. I’ve known her for such a short time, but it feels like I’ve known her longer, like some invisible thread is weaving us closer. I don’t know what’s happening, but all I know is that I can’t allow anything to happen.
I have a girlfriend, and I don’t even know her. Not to mention the fact that she’s an ex-con and with my job, the guys wouldn’t like it.
I stare up at her with sadness and regret in my eyes before slowly letting go of her waist. She manages to get up, watching me as her teeth sink into her lip.
I jump up and look away after a beat, heading over to my bag and picking it up along with my cell, swiping my hand through my hair as I walk out of the room, leaving the rest of the equipment still scattered over the floor.
I have to get out of here.
I take one last look at her when I get to the main doors, taking a deep breath and then walking out as I try to forget about the feelings she emitted when she touched me.