Scarlet

 

When I first suggested this idea to my mother, she shot it down without a second thought. I never imagined she would change her mind, but she did. Two weeks later, she came into my room and announced that she would let me go to New York. She’d already signed me up for classes at NYU, so I could finish my degree without any trouble.

My grandmother was expecting me at the end of the month. At first, I couldn’t believe my ears. Surely, this was just a joke. There was no way my mom, Claire Timms, would allow her daughter to leave France unsupervised. I felt like I was living in a dream.

But, the dream was a reality. Over the next two weeks, I packed up my room and made all the necessary arrangements. My mother hovered nervously every day, not wanting to let me out of her sight. More than once, I considered asking her why she changed her mind, but I was afraid to rock the boat. All that mattered was that I was going. I was finally venturing out on my own. Freedom was mine for the taking.

The day before my flight was set to leave, I sat in my room, triple checking my bags. I wanted to make sure I had everything I would need. The last thing I wanted was to forget something and give my mom cause to call me back home. If I made even one mistake, she might change her mind again and lock me up forever. I couldn’t risk it, so I spent the entire day repacking every single item in my suitcases.

My clothes were tucked carefully in one suitcase with my books and knickknacks in another. My toiletries were in a third suitcase, and my carry-on bag held my laptop and my copy of Flames of Sorrow. I knew I could never survive without it.

Even if I didn’t read it while in New York, just having it with me would be a comfort. It was like my own personal guidebook, the story to which I set my life. New York was going to be a new beginning, and I wanted to do it right.

After I was sure everything was properly packed, I sat down on my bed and smiled to myself. I still couldn’t believe this was happening. Everything felt surreal, like I was living in a fantasy world that could be snatched away from me at any given moment. To calm myself down, I picked up my plane ticket and held it tightly between my fingers. This ticket was the only tangible proof I had that I was leaving. Without it, my future would come to an earth shattering halt. As long as I held it in my hands, my mother couldn’t change her mind. She just couldn’t.

“Do you have everything?” Mom asked, poking her head into my room.

“I do,” I said with a smile. “I’ve triple checked every single bag. I’m good to go.”

“Are you sure?” Mom asked, glancing at the suitcases on the floor.

I could tell she was itching to check them herself, but something stopped her. She clenched her fingers together, her eyes darting around the room nervously. I wanted to laugh at the sight, but I knew better. I only had one more day before I was free. Just one more day, and then my life would be my own.

“I’m positive,” I promised. “Mom, I swear. I have everything.”

“Your winter clothes?” she asked.

I nodded. “Yes.”

“Your textbooks?”

“Yes,” I said.

“And what about your hair dryer?” she asked. “You don’t want to buy a new one in New York.”

“I have it,” I said calmly. “Mom, I have everything. I swear.”

Mom nodded and continued looking around the room. She seemed to be searching for a sign that I was lying, something that proved I wasn’t ready to leave. There wasn’t anything for her to find. I’d made sure of that. I wouldn’t let anything stand in my way, especially not my mom’s fears.

“Listen,” Mom said. She sat down beside me and fixed me with an intense gaze. My stomach clenched, terrified of what she might say. “There are a few things we should discuss before you leave.”

“Okay,” I said slowly. “What things?”

My mom took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She seemed to be working up to something, and I wasn’t sure what it could be. In my mind, there wasn’t anything terrible in New York. It was a place full of possibilities. It was the city where my real life would finally begin. I couldn’t imagine anything that would make my mother worry so much.

“I’ve told you your entire life to be careful,” she said. “I need you to remember that now, more than ever. New York is going to be a different world. There are people and things you aren’t familiar with, and you need to prepare yourself for that.”

“I know,” I said with a nod.

Her tone suggested something dark and grotesque, but I was simply excited to experience new things. While she was warning me against everything, I was mentally preparing myself to dive right in.

“Your grandmother will look after you,” Mom said. “She’ll keep an eye on you, but she’s not me. She’s more carefree and lax. She’s not one to set a lot of rules or boundaries, so you’ll have to do that for yourself. You’re an adult now, Scarlet, and you’re old enough to know right from wrong. I expect you to remember that while you’re away.”

“I will,” I promised.

I knew she meant well and that she was only warning me to keep me safe, but her words were like nails against a chalkboard. She was treating me like a six-year-old girl, not the twenty-one-year-old woman I was. She didn’t realize how much I was capable of, and she didn’t realize I could survive without her.

“Another thing,” Mom continued. “NYU is different. It’s a different college, full of different people. They aren’t going to have the same morals as you. They’ll be…”

She hesitated, unable to continue. I knew what her worries were. She was afraid I would become sexually promiscuous in the big city. She lived in fear of me rebelling, becoming pregnant, and completely ruining my life. No matter what I did to show her I was a responsible person, she never believed me.

“What I want you to remember,” Mom said. “You don’t have to do anything just because other people do it. Drinking. Drugs. Sex. Those aren’t things that you need to experience.”

“Mom,” I said, but she cut me off with a look.

“Scarlet, I know you want more freedom,” she said. “I’m not blind. I can see how excited you are for this new adventure, and I’m excited for you. You may not believe that, but I am. I just want to make sure you’re safe. You need to be careful and smart. You can’t just lose yourself the second you leave home.”

“I won’t,” I promised. “Mom, I’m leaving home, but I’m still me. I’m still the same person I’ve always been, okay? My morals aren’t going to fly out the window the second the plane lands.”

“I certainly hope not,” she said softly. “I would like to think I taught you better than that.”

“You did,” I said. “I’m just going to spend time with Grandmother and finish school. That’s all.”

“Make sure to help your grandmother,” she said firmly. “She’ll keep an eye on you, but you’re there for her, okay?”

“I know,” I said. “You don’t have anything to worry about.”

“I’m a mother,” she said. “I have everything to worry about.”

I tried not to roll my eyes, but she was being ridiculous. Of course, I wasn’t going to fly off the handle in New York. I didn’t plan to become a loose woman who slept with every man she met. I wasn’t going to get drunk and high every day of the week. I wanted to experience life away from home, but I wasn’t stupid. I was just young and excited. More excited than I’d ever been before.

“I’ll be okay,” I said. I smiled and took her hand in mine. “I will be. Everything will be fine.”

She nodded but didn’t return my smile. I knew she didn’t believe me. Every second I was in New York would be another second of her own personal nightmare. Her precious daughter was leaving her to explore a new city in a faraway country. She wouldn’t be able to watch me every second of every day anymore. She would have to trust me.

“Don’t take the subway,” she said suddenly. “It’s dangerous. People get raped and murdered on the subway every day. It’s not worth the risk.”

“Mom, I can’t just walk everywhere,” I said with a small laugh.

“Take a cab,” she said simply. I wanted to argue, but I didn’t see the point. Once I was safely in New York, she wouldn’t be able to control me anymore.

I wondered how Grandmother would be. She wasn’t like my mom, but she was still my grandmother. I was sure there would be some rules and boundaries set, but I didn’t know what they would be. I told myself not to worry about it. Nothing Grandmother did could come close to the way my mother treated me. I’d basically been locked away for twenty-one years, so anything would be a definite improvement.

“Check your bags again,” Mom said as she stood up to leave. “I don’t want you to forget anything.”

“I checked,” I said.

“Check again,” she demanded.

With that, she left. The door was wide open behind her, and the sight annoyed me more than anything she said. I just wanted half a second of privacy, just a minute to be by myself.

I stood up and walked toward the door, pushing it gently closed. I hoped she wouldn’t hear the click and come to investigate. If only for a few seconds, I wanted true privacy. I felt like I couldn’t even think with my mom around.

I went to sit back down on my bed. Leaning back against the pillows, I closed my eyes and cleared my head. I didn’t want to dwell on my mom’s warnings. I simply wanted to dream of New York. In just a few short hours, I would be on a plane heading toward the rest of my life.

As I picked up my plane ticket, I smiled to myself. I didn’t know what New York held for me, but I knew it would be better than my life in France. There was so much to explore and discover in New York, and I couldn’t wait to start. I was even excited to spend time with my Grandmother. From what I knew of her, she seemed great. I knew I would learn a lot from her, and that maybe, she would learn something from me. Whatever happened, I just hoped Grandmother would treat me like an adult. I’d spent years being sheltered, and I was ready to break free.

More than anything, I hoped New York would hold love. I’d never been in love. I’d never had a real boyfriend. Even friends were hard to come by with a mother as strict as mine. That was what I looked forward to, the ability to meet new people and to make friends.

I wondered if I would find true love in New York, or if I would discover the true meaning of the word passion. I held the plane ticket to my chest and closed my eyes, praying that New York would be everything I dreamed of.