Lucien

 

Thanksgiving break was just around the corner, which meant my class work was piling up more every day. I sat in the Delta Pi common room with my books strewn all around me and tried to focus. No matter how long I stared at the words in front of me, I couldn’t seem to retain any information.

Studying was never my favorite activity, but I could usually do just enough to get by. Now, I wasn’t sure I could do even that. After Scarlet and I talked, I felt like I was living in a fog, unable to see clearly.

Most of my day was spent trying to study. I moved from subject to subject, just hoping something would stick, while my mind continued to revolve around Scarlet. I couldn’t get our last conversation out of my head.

The look on her face was one of betrayal and pain. It broke me to see her that way, but I kept telling myself it was for the best. She deserved more than someone like me. She deserved a man who could truly commit to her and make her happy. I wasn’t that guy. I’d never been that guy.

While I sat there, the brothers came in and out. Some stopped to chat for a few seconds, while others left me to my studies. It was all the same to me. I didn’t want to talk to any of them. They couldn’t possibly understand the emotions I was feeling. I barely understood them myself.

If I even tried to share them with one of my brothers, they would laugh it off, making a joke that was supposed to make me feel better. It wouldn’t. It would only serve to piss me off and make me sink lower into my depression.

With my Communications book opened to the proper chapter, I laid my head down on top of it and closed my eyes. I didn’t think I could take another second of staring at black and white pages. Nothing I read made any sense anymore. I needed to rest, or I would be completely useless for the rest of the day.

I squeezed my eyes tightly closed and tried to block out the lights and noises around me. From where I sat, I could hear thundering footsteps from upstairs and raucous laughter. It reminded me of the way I used to be: carefree and light-hearted, fun and relaxed. I was no longer any of those things.

When I finally sat back up, I exhaled slowly and blinked my eyes a few times. It was time to get back to work. I couldn’t let my failed relationship with Scarlet define my entire senior year. This was my final year on campus, and it was already almost halfway over. The last thing I wanted was to leave school without making as many memories as possible. There were parties to plan and alcohol to drink, women to have and brothers to mock. My entire life was ahead of me, and I was just watching it pass me by while I dwelled on one girl.

“Hey man,” a voice said from behind me. I glanced behind me to see Adam making his way over to my table. He sat down across from me. “Studying?”

“Trying to,” I said. “Can’t focus.”

“It’s a few days before break and you’re trying to study here?” Adam scoffed. “Go to the library or something. You know all the guys get rowdy this time of year.”

“I know,” I sighed. “I just didn’t want to pack all this shit up and haul it over there.”

“Might be worth it,” Adam said with a shrug.

“Maybe,” I said. “Though I probably wouldn’t be able to focus, even if I had peace and quiet.”

“Why not?” Adam asked with a frown.

“Just distracted,” I said evasively. “Can’t clear my head.”

“Gotcha,” Adam said.

For the first time in a while, I found myself wanting to talk to Adam. We hadn’t really been best friends lately. Ever since we got back from France, we’d gone our separate ways. I assumed it was just because we needed space after spending an entire month together, but now I wasn’t so sure. I realized I might have been avoiding him, just to keep from having to face my issues. As I sat there with him, I didn’t want to hide anymore. I wanted to talk to him about Scarlet and everything else. Maybe he would be able to make sense of my feelings for me.

“So,” Adam said, just as I was about to open my mouth. “I haven’t seen you with anyone lately.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“We’ve had a few get-togethers,” Adam said. “And you didn’t bring any girls. Not even Scarlet.”

“Yeah,” I said. “Scarlet and I are done. She moved back to France.”

“Wait, what?!” Adam asked, suddenly sitting up straighter. “What the hell? Why didn’t you say anything?”

“It’s not important,” I said, hoping Adam would believe me. Just seconds before, I was ready to tell him everything, and yet, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. “I ended it. She was all conflicted about leaving because of me. I knew it wasn’t right to let her stay here just for me.”

“Why not?” Adam asked.

“You said it yourself,” I said. “I’m not good enough for her. She’s sweet and kind of perfect. Everything about her screams girlfriend material, and I am not boyfriend material.”

“I didn’t say that,” Adam said softly.

I looked at him in disbelief. That was exactly what he said. That day in the coffee shop, when everything changed between Scarlet and me, Adam told me to walk away before I broke her heart. He made me realize just how bad I was for her and how much I could really hurt her. It was because of him that I distanced myself from Scarlet in the first place.

“Look,” Adam continued. “What I said that day came out wrong, okay? I just wanted you to be careful. I saw you slipping into something pretty serious, and I wanted to make sure you knew what you were doing. That’s all. I wasn’t saying you weren’t good enough or that you shouldn’t be with Scarlet.”

“You said I would hurt her,” I finished for him. He was right. I did hurt her.

“Without meaning to,” Adam said. “Yeah, I thought you might lead her on accidentally. Like I said, I just wanted to bring it your attention so you could be aware of what you were doing. If you wanted something real with her, then great. If you didn’t, then great. I just thought you needed to make a decision. That’s all.”

“Well, I did,” I sighed. “I told her to go back to France.”

“Is that what she wanted?” Adam asked.

“I don’t know,” I said. It was true. I barely listened to Scarlet that night in the park. “Her mom wanted her to leave. She said she wasn’t happy with the way Scarlet was living her life here in New York. Scarlet wanted to fight her on it because she wasn’t ready to leave me, but I told her to go. I told her I wasn’t a good enough reason to stay.”

“Because you didn’t want a relationship with her?” Adam asked.

“I don’t know what I wanted,” I admitted. “For that entire month, I wasn’t thinking. I was just kind of living moment to moment. I loved being with Scarlet. She was funny and witty and awkward and adorable. And the sex. God, the sex was great. But I never thought about it further than that. After you and I talked, I realized that you were right. She was getting attached and that scared me.”

“Why?” Adam asked. “If you liked her that much, then what was the problem?”

“Motherfucker, you were the one who said I was going to hurt her,” I snapped. “That was the problem. And no matter what else I felt, I didn’t want that. Scarlet didn’t deserve to get her heart broken by me.”

He didn’t seem fazed by my outburst. “But isn’t that what you did anyway?” Adam asked. “When you told her to leave?”

“I guess,” I nodded, feeling the fight drain out of me. “But it would have been worse later. If I let the relationship drag on for months and months, then she would have been completely crushed.”

“She would have been?” Adam asked. “Or you would have been?”

I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out. Adam’s words rang true in my ears. I’d been so certain that I was making the right choice for Scarlet, but I never stopped to think what that choice meant for me. I wasn’t just protecting Scarlet from heart break, I was protecting myself. She would have been crushed if we broke up, that much was clear, but what about me? How would I have been affected by the split? I never took the time to think about it.

Now that I did, I realized Adam made a good point. If I was this distracted after she moved away when we weren’t even really together yet, how would I have felt if we’d dated for six months? Or a year? Or more? The thought made my chest ache painfully, and I knew the answer.

It would have been worse than painful. It would have been unbearable. The thought of having Scarlet to myself for that long, just to be torn away from her, was heart-wrenching. I couldn’t imagine how I would have survived it.

“I don’t know what to do,” I mumbled. “I’ve been fucking everything up, man.”

“It’s not too late to fix it,” Adam said.

“What are you talking about?” I asked. “She moved back to France. It’s over. I screwed up, and now, she’s gone.”

“She doesn’t have to be,” Adam said. “Look, I know this is partially my fault. I put doubts in your head, and I’m sorry about that. I didn’t realize how much you cared about her.”

“I didn’t either,” I admitted. “I just freaked out. You warned me, and then she told me about her mom, and all of a sudden, everything became too real. She wasn’t just something fun and exciting. She was real. We were real. I didn’t know how to deal with that, so I just…”

“Bailed?” Adam suggested.

“Yeah,” I nodded. “I bailed. There’s no way I can make up for that. You weren’t there when she told me. She was waiting for me to tell her to stay. She wanted me to help her fight her mom. She thought I was this great guy who would take care of her and make all her problems better, but I wasn’t. I played right into the typical asshole role. I broke her heart, so I wouldn’t have to deal with the reality of our situation. God, what the hell is wrong with me?”

“A lot,” Adam joked.

“Not funny,” I snapped.

“Sorry,” Adam said. “But Lucien, this isn’t the end. You can still make it work with her.”

“How?” I demanded.

“Figure it out,” Adam said simply. “Look, if she means this much to you, then it’s worth it to try, right?”

I looked at Adam thoughtfully. Everything he said made sense. I couldn’t even study without thinking of Scarlet. No matter what I did, she occupied my mind all the time. Every day since she left, I’d been replaying our last conversation over and over again. When I laid in bed at night, I wished she was lying beside me. I dreamed about her naked body on top of mine. She was always, always with me.

A smile formed on my face as I realized Adam was right. Scarlet was more than worth it, and I hadn’t understood it until just now. I wasn’t the kind of guy to be a boyfriend, but I could be. For Scarlet, I knew I could be.