Lucien

 

I didn’t leave my room all day. After my morning class with Scarlet, I couldn’t face anyone else. I blew off the rest of my classes and hid in my room. I knew it was immature, but I didn’t care. Today was a shitty day, and I was beyond ready for it to end. It started out great, with me eager to see Scarlet. I couldn’t wait to get to class. Then, Adam intervened and everything changed. I no longer knew what to do.

When my phone rang that night, I knew it was Scarlet before I even looked at it. I turned it over and stared at the ceiling. I wasn’t ready to talk to her yet, not after today. She knew something was wrong after class, and I lied to her.

Lying wasn’t new to me. I could spin my words better than most people, but I’d never lied to Scarlet before. It made my stomach clench painfully. As I remembered the confused look on her face, my phone rang again. I turned it over. It was her again.

I sighed and tossed it to the end of my bed. My frustrations weren’t her fault, but I couldn’t bear the thought of hearing her voice right now. I closed my eyes and prayed she would stop calling, but when I heard my phone begin to ring again, I knew I wouldn’t get that lucky. She was being more insistent than usual. I could tell she wasn’t going to stop until I answered. Reluctantly, I grabbed the phone.

“Hello?” I said, resting it against my ear.

“Lucien,” she said. Her voice was tight. “I’m sorry to call so much, but this is really important. I need to talk to you.”

“Now isn’t really a good time,” I said lamely.

She sniffled on the other end, and I felt my heart ache. I didn’t want to hurt her. “I know,” she said. “I’m sorry. Can you meet me at the park? Please. It’s really important.”

I closed my eyes and put my hand over my face. She was pushing me too hard, and I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t ready to see her, but I couldn’t just say no. There was obviously something wrong. She sounded like she’d been crying, and I knew she wouldn’t have called so many times if it wasn’t important.

“Okay,” I said. “Sure. I’ll meet you there.”

“Now?” she asked hopefully.

“Yeah,” I sighed. “I’m on my way.”

“Thank you,” she said. I could hear the relief in her voice. It only made my guilt that much worse.

“See you in a minute,” I said, hanging up before she could say anything else.

It took me a few minutes to climb out of bed. I’d been lying down for so long that my muscles were sore and tight. I had to stretch for a few minutes before I could leave. When I did, I took my time, walking slowly down the stairs and out onto the street.

The park was only a few blocks away, positioned perfectly between the Delta house and Scarlet’s grandmother’s place. We’d met there a million times before. In a way, it was our spot. Scarlet said it reminded her of being by the lake at my parent’s house. I used to find that charming, but now, I felt tense as I approached our usual bench.

Scarlet was already there, staring ahead and waiting for me. When she saw me, her face lit up, and my guilt worsened. I hated feeling this way. I didn’t want to hurt her or myself, but I didn’t know what to do or say. Scarlet’s feelings for me were strong, that much was clear, but mine weren’t as clear. I cared about her, and if it weren’t for Adam, I wouldn’t have second guessed anything.

Still, as I sat down beside her, I found myself wishing I was anywhere else. Just looking at her face made my stomach clench painfully. Her eyes were red and swollen. My suspicions were right. She’d definitely been crying.

“I’m sorry to drag you out here,” Scarlet said. “I just really needed to see you.”

“What happened?” I asked.

“My mom called me today,” Scarlet began. “I was so excited to talk to her. I wanted to tell her everything about my new life, you know? But when I did, she freaked out. She lost her mind over the fact that I went to a frat party and that I’ve been seeing you. She demanded that I come home.”

“She what?” I asked. My emotions were suddenly put on hold as I registered what Scarlet said.

She nodded. “Yeah, I couldn’t believe it either. She hung up on me, and when I got home, Grandmother told me my mom called her. Apparently, she’s setting up an in-home nursing service for Grandmother so that I can leave. She wants me back in France as soon as possible.”

My mouth hung open as Scarlet spoke. I closed it slowly, shaking my head back and forth. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Scarlet’s mother sounded completely insane.

“You said your mom was strict, but I had no idea,” I said. “That’s fucking crazy.”

“It’s insane!” Scarlet said angrily. “I can’t believe she would do this to me. I moved here to help Grandmother, and that’s what I’m doing. Why shouldn’t I have a life in the meantime? I’m doing well in school. I’ve made friends. Most mothers would be proud, right? I don’t understand why my mom can’t just let me live my life.”

I shrugged. “Because she’s a mom. They’re controlling sometimes.”

“She is beyond controlling,” Scarlet argued. “I thought it was bad before, when I lived with her, but now? I never imagined she would do something like this. She went so far as to call my grandmother. She’s demanding I go home immediately.”

I shook my head again and looked around us. The park was basically empty. The sun was already setting, and everyone was going home. This was our favorite time to be here, at dusk when the world was still and silent. It was our reprieve from the lights and noises of the city. Every other time I sat on this bench with Scarlet, I felt at peace. Now, I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. She was upset with her mom and wanted comfort, but I couldn’t give it to her. All I could do was sit there and let her talk.

“I don’t want to leave,” she whispered.

I looked back at her quickly. Her eyes were brimming with tears again. I couldn’t move a muscle. Part of me wanted to slide over and wrap her up in my arms. I wanted to hold her tightly until she calmed down. It was within my power to make her feel better, but I couldn’t do it.

Instead, I just sat there and watched the tears roll down her cheeks, waiting for her to say more. At first, she didn’t. She just cried silently for a while. When she finally turned to face me, her eyes were open and vulnerable.

“My life is perfect here,” she said. “I have everything I could ever want. School is amazing. Lexie is such a good friend. And you. I don’t want to leave you, not now.”

“Scarlet,” I said softly.

“Just listen,” she said, silencing me with a look. “I know we haven’t known each other for very long, and I know we haven’t defined whatever this is between us, but I like you, Lucien. I like you so much. I don’t want this to end, and if I leave, it will.”

“But you can’t just disobey your mom,” I said.

“Can’t I?” she asked eagerly. She moved closer to me and took my hands in hers. “Would it be so bad if I did?”

“For her, it would be,” I said. I wanted to pull my hands away from her, but I couldn’t. She was holding onto me too tightly.

“That doesn’t matter!” she insisted. “I’m an adult. This is my life. I’ve built a life here, one that’s entirely my own. I can’t just let her rip me away from it. I don’t have to. I don’t have to listen to her. Not anymore.”

“Do you really want to do that?” I asked. “Do you want to risk your relationship with your mom?”

“I think so,” she said. “Besides, this is her doing anyway. She is the one who’s demanding I leave. She is the one tearing me away from everything that makes me happy. If our relationship suffers, it’s her fault. Not mine. I shouldn’t feel guilty about living my own life. Everyone else my age is doing the exact same thing. Most of them are worse off than me! I have direction. I’m about to graduate college, for god’s sake! She should be happy for me!”

Scarlet’s rant was intense and full of anger. I could tell she needed to get everything off her chest, but I was barely listening. Once she mentioned her feelings for me as a reason for her to stay, I shut down. My hands began to sweat, and all I could think about was running away. I wanted to sprint out of the park and never look back. Scarlet was already too attached to me. Adam was right. I couldn’t let this go on any longer.

“Scarlet,” I said, stopping her rant mid-sentence. “You should go.”

“What?” She blinked.

“To France,” I said. “I think you should go back to France.”

“If you’re just saying that to protect my relationship with my mom…”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. I pulled my hands free from her grasp and rubbed them on my jeans. “That’s not it.”

“Then, what is it?” she asked. Her voice was raw and emotional. The sound made my ears burn. I didn’t know how much longer I could handle sitting there.

“I’m not the guy you think I am,” I said slowly. “You have this romantic image of me, of us, and it’s not true. It’s partly my fault. I let you feel this way. I led you on without meaning to, and I’m sorry, Scarlet, but this isn’t a relationship. You and me, we aren’t together. Not in the way you want us to be.”

“But,” Scarlet said. “We are. We spend every spare second together, Lucien. You can’t tell me that doesn’t mean something.”

“It doesn’t,” I said firmly. “We’ve just been having fun. That’s no reason to stay in New York. If your mother wants you back in France, then that’s where you should be.”

Scarlet’s eyes were wide as I spoke. Her tears were back and flowing freely down her cheeks. She didn’t even bother to wipe them away. To spare myself the pain of having to see her cry, I looked away. I watched the trees rustle in the wind and the birds fly by. Scarlet remained sitting beside me, silently crying and secretly hoping I would change my mind.

I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. Not after everything I just said. I’d ripped off the band aid, and now, the wound was exposed and painful. Scarlet’s tears didn’t stop. When I finally glanced at her again, she was still staring at me in disbelief. Without a word, she rose to her feet and slowly made her way down the path, away from me.

As I sat there, I watched her disappear into the darkness. She became a tiny pinprick in the distance, and then, she was gone. I kept staring at that same spot, unable to look away. The sight of her tears was still burned into my eyes. I couldn’t believe I’d hurt her that way. She was just an innocent, beautiful girl who deserved better than I could give her. I’d broken her heart, and I didn’t even know why.

What was wrong with me?