Lacey

MY MONTHS WITH THE Millers had been eye-opening, strange and wonderful. I’d arrived an outsider determined to make more money and hide away from my life until I felt ready to tackle things. Instead. I’d found a magical place where I felt at home and realized that some things were more important than money. I still wanted to make Bishops Hill a success and more streamlined but now it was because I wanted it to be that way for everyone who worked there, not just myself. I continued to help Alex grow his investments and his furniture business. He had orders, and I grew the profit for him along with my other private customers. We had agreed that I would give him the chance to buy back the farm once his portfolio was handsome enough.

I only stayed at my cottage a few nights a week, sneaking in with Alex most nights and eating breakfast with him and the staff just like I had done when we weren’t even friends. However, now it was different, now just a glance from him set my pulse racing and when he made his authoritative speeches and solved staffing issues, I felt pride. Even though Alex was a few years younger than me, it never felt that way. He was responsible for two kids, an entire farm, and when I'd met him he seemed to have the weight of the world on his shoulders. All the men I had ever dated were self-indulgent power-hungry assholes who gave as good as I did. They were the men I was attracted to. Bryan had been the best of those guys because he loved me more than himself. Alex was so different. He was a real man, hard-working, self-assured but not arrogant, and humble enough to accept my advice on business matters. I liked the guy, a lot.

However, I had some serious unfinished business at home that this little bubble would not keep me from forever. I knew things were about to change dramatically with the arrival home of Emma-Louise Miller. She was the Manager, in name and she was the mother of the two kids who I spent the majority of my time with. She was sick and needed Alex’s help and I couldn’t be sneaking into his room like a teenager when his mom was home. I knew it was my cue to leave. That once I got the bakery up and running, I should make a move to get my life back. I was just really struggling with the thought.

Bryan hadn’t tried to call me for weeks, and so I was surprised to see his name flash up on my phone one night after a long day of planning my launch party with Mabel. I took a deep breath and answered. My body was tired from physical labor, not hours spent hunched over a desk, another new thing I loved.

“Hey, Bryan,” I said easily, I was home with a face mask on, relaxing with a glass of wine.

“Hey, Lace,” he coughed awkwardly, “I wasn’t sure you’d answer.” His voice trailed off.

I sighed, “Did you need something?” I asked a little more clipped.

“Um...” he began. “I spoke to my lawyer today, and he says we’re real close to getting things straightened out with the divorce. They want me to admit adultery and then it can happen quicker.”

  “Right.” I took a huge gulp of wine.

“We both know that’s not how things went down,” he uttered, “but if one of us doesn’t concede, then we won’t be divorced for a while.”

“So, concede,” I said through gritted teeth.

“I didn’t cheat, Lacey,” he added sharply.

“Sorry, so you didn’t screw your secretary while we were still married and get her pregnant?” I quipped.

“We were separated, and I know you haven’t been celibate since I moved out.” He let out a deep breath. “I’ll accept it, so long as we are still splitting what we do have as 50/50.” He snapped.

“You know we are,” I shook my head, “why did you call?” I rolled the wine glass between my pincer fingers and waited for the point of his call.

“You need to come back to the city. We have to sign the papers with our lawyers present and I think we should talk,” he whispered the last part.

“We’ve said it all, Bryan. I’ll be back soon, and we can sign then,” I snapped.

“I miss you, Lace,” he uttered, “I miss you and I’m sorry for all this shit but I wish you’d just let me talk to you and explain some stuff.”

“Bryan,” I sipped my wine and my stomach lurched at the emotion in his voice, “it’s fine, we’re fine. I’m over what happened and if you need to... we can talk but it won’t change things, okay?”

“How long ‘till you're back?” he asked quickly.

My opening was in two weeks and I knew I had to bite the bullet and go home, “Three weeks.” I nodded definitively as I said it, “I’ll call my lawyer and be back in three weeks to sign.”

“Okay,” he sounded relieved.

Emma-Louise was to return a week before my opening. I’d watched the kids after school the day that Alex had flown out to her treatment center to meet with the doctor. I’d made them a dinner of Mac n Cheese, listened to Logan read, and helped Sara with some Math. We’d eaten dinner together and sat watching TV as a threesome when he walked through the door at ten pm. Straightaway I could tell he was aggravated; his mouth was set in a hard line and he gritted his teeth when he stepped into the living room doorway. The kids glanced towards him but didn’t really say much as they were glued to the TV. Bear was cuddled up on Sara’s knee and he didn’t have the energy to greet Alex either. I moved Logan’s feet which were rested on my lap and walked to greet him. He stepped back into the hallway.

“All okay?” I whispered, looking at him concerned. He lowered his head and ran his hands down his face. I moved his hands and found his eyes. “What?” I asked.

“I’m not sure I can do this,” he hissed. He looked behind me into the living room and then walked through to the kitchen. I followed.

“What?”

He walked to the fridge, grabbed a beer and popped the cap, then sat at the dining table. I sat too. He sighed, “she was like crazy freakin’ happy.” He shook his head.

“And that’s bad?” I probed.

He closed his eyes and swigged the beer, “She was manic, like high but so happy to see me and she looked good but was being overly gushing. I mean she was sober and they have her medicated, so it makes a change from her being trashed and wearing nothing but sweats, but in that room with her listening to the doctor tell me how to care for her I felt...” he gulped back some beer, “I felt fuckin’ furious.”

“Right,” I leaned back in my chair, crossed my arms and tucked my legs underneath me. I didn’t push, just waited for him to explain.

“I know I’m being selfish, but he was giving me this list of triggers that can’t be in the house like beer,” he held his bottle up and nodded to it, “painkillers, flu medication, any alcohol really, and any desserts with alcohol,” he rolled his eyes, “all the time she sat grinning at me like a lunatic and held my hand whilst my heart just sank at the thought of her coming back here.” 

“She’ll settle down once she’s home,” I soothed.

“She has some fuckin’ personality disorder. I mean what the fuck?” he struggled to keep his voice down and I glanced to the doorway wincing in case his siblings heard.

“What is that?” I whispered.

He shook his head, “I guess it’s an excuse for why she behaves like a spoilt brat all the time and why she threw her idyllic childhood back in her parents’ faces despite having everything, she could ever want. It explains why she turned to alcohol and drugs and could never keep a man and why she gambled away this farm.” He knocked on the table and my heart ached for him as his face dropped with devastation. “It means she can’t emotionally cope with life and can’t form relationships without self-sabotage.”

“So how can it be helped?” I shrugged and watched him concerned.

“Therapy,” he drained the beer and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, “medication and getting back to her usual routine.”

I nodded, “You can do this Alex.” I told him.

“I really feel like I just don’t have the energy, you know?” he shook his head. “When she was here chaos reigned, and we all lived in her crazy cloud of manic. Hell, I grew up there, with the yelling then the days of quiet and the long periods of not getting dressed. The weeks of obsessively watching old TV shows from her teenage years and then the endless projects she never finished.” He swallowed hard, “I think all us kids were one of those projects, the ones she ran out of passion for.”

“Alex,” I couldn’t watch him anymore, my stomach lurched, and my heart sank. I moved forward and placed my hand on his arm.

“I feel like whilst she’s been away we’ve finally reached smooth sailing and now the eye of the storm is on its way back.” He croaked.

I hopped off my chair and knelt before him, placing my hands on his thighs, “I’m so sorry, Alex.” I told him with tears in my eyes, “I’m here, okay?” I ran my hands up and down, “I can’t say I understand as I don’t, but I do know how it feels to have that one crazy family member who ruins every party and who you dread getting drunk at Christmas. My brother is the poster child for messed up.”

He bobbed his head, “I know it sounds selfish, but I can’t bear for her to come back here.”

“It’s not selfish. She’s sick and has been forever and you can’t see that getting any better but just give her this one last try,” I soothed.

“And then what?” he shrugged.

 “Then you claim your life back, you decide what you want, and we make it happen,” I nodded with confidence. “Let’s see what happens.”

“The kids will go back to being up and down with her mood and this house will just be on tenterhooks,” he shrugged. “I need another beer.” Squeezing his shoulder, I stood and walked to the fridge to get him a beer, grabbing myself one too and then taking my seat back at the table, sliding his beer to him.

“I hate that you feel like this, maybe move to the cottage when I’ve gone...” I started, and his head shot up as I realized I hadn’t told him I planned to return home soon after the opening.

“Gone?” he asked, opening the beer and reclining a little as he took a sip.

“I...” I gave him a tight smile, “I need to go home and sign some papers with Bryan and I need to decide what my next move is.”

“Right,” he nodded but didn’t meet my eye.

“How long?” he asked quietly.

“Till I go?” I asked, and he nodded.“Three weeks,” I uttered, and he took a long pull of his beer. “I’ll be at the other end of the phone. You can call me anytime, I’ll still be here for you.” I told him, my voice wavering with emotion at the knowledge I was leaving him when I knew he needed me the most.

“It’s nothing I haven’t dealt with before,” he nodded slowly and then looked up to meet my eye, his beautiful blue iris’ shining with emotion and the effects of the quick shots of beer. “I’m just fuckin’ dreading it.” He growled.

“It won’t be as bad as you think if she’s on med-”

“She was manic,” he spat out, and I shut up. He didn’t want me to offer solutions, he just wanted me to listen. I should have already told him when I planned to leave but I was a little in denial about that myself. I felt as downhearted and useless as he did. I didn’t want his shit for him and I knew he felt heavy with the burden of his mom as I felt that way for him. Despite their differences he loved his siblings, and he’d never leave them alone with his mom, plus he’d never leave the farm he was so dedicated to, and she was part of that. He felt trapped, and it felt horrendously unfair.

“Maybe she’ll seamlessly blend back in and you’re worrying for nothing,” I added, sipping my beer and widening my eyes playfully.

“You are about to witness a natural disaster of epic proportions,” he smirked and shook his head. “There is nothing seamless about Emmie-Lou, she is the epitome of the jaggedly stitched Frankenstein’s monster.”

“You paint a great picture, Mr. Miller,” I smirked, “if we’re preparing for the worst then we need to make the most of the time we have left,” I winked, and he grinned. 

“I’ll chase those kids up to bed and you can massage my worries away,” he rumbled.

I gave him a knowing glance and smiled, “Sure thing.”

“Kids! Bed time!” he yelled but kept his eyes trained on me.

I flexed my hands, “Ready and waiting.”

 

Emma-Louise wasn’t exactly what I expected. She was quiet.

She arrived a few days before my big launch party and we were all on edge whilst we waited.

“Wait ‘till you meet my mom,” Logan said as we sat in the kitchen eating dinner, the night before Alex would fly out to collect her and bring her back. “She’s so much fun.” He smirked as he said it and tried to twirl spaghetti around his fork. I glanced up and caught Alex’s eye and he just swallowed hard.

“Sure is buddy,” Alex added.

“When she’s manic,” Sara added dryly, “then she’s crying or drinking or...” she sighed and pushed her plate away.

“Sara,” Alex snapped, narrowing his eyes at her.

“What?” she folded her arms, “are we supposed to act like this is good news?”

“Sara, let’s take a walk?”  I suggested, flicking my eyes to Logan.

She pushed her chair back and scowled at the both of us, “The sooner he knows what she is the better,” she yelled, running off upstairs. I went to stand but Alex placed his hand on mine.

“I’ll go,” he said, and I smiled at him. They’d come a long way since I came to Montana. Sara was still the same teenager full of rage and hormones, but Alex seemed to take more time to understand her and it was paying off.

“I know what she means,” Logan said quietly, placing his fork down and looking up at me with his beautiful blue eyes that were just like his brother's. “Mommy gets sick and sad and we don’t get to have friends round too often as she has these headaches.” He looked glum, and I scooted my chair, so I was closer to him, placing my arm around him. I kissed his head.

“I’m gonna let you in on a little secret, buddy,” I whispered, and his innocent stare broke my heart as I looked down at him, “adults don’t always have it figured out.” I uttered and shrugged my shoulders with a small smile at the side of my mouth. “Some adults are trying to figure out how to be perfect and get lost trying but you know what?”

“What?” he asked, his voice low.

“Perfect is boring. Our little flaws are what makes us interesting and we all have them, some are just more obvious than others and your mom... she’s like everyone else, she has flaws but that’s okay, right?”

“Sure,” he wiped his nose with his sleeve.

“It’s okay to have bad days, and that’s why we gotta make the good days count,” I said and he nodded.

“You’re gonna be here, right?” he asked, “when she gets back?”

“Yeah,” I nodded and rubbed the top of his head, “I’ll be here and if you need me you just let me know.”

 “How long are you going back to New York for?” he asked with wide eyed innocence.

“Well that’s my home buddy, so I gotta go back and get back to work but I’ll visit.” I’d told the kids just after I told Alex about my return home and at the time they took it well, but I was just realizing that maybe they thought it was temporary.

“Hey,” Alex came back into the kitchen and I scooted back to my place at the table and he gave me a quick nod and small smile. “You done, Loge?” he asked his brother and Logan nodded, having left the majority of his pasta untouched. “Go get your pajamas on, huh?”

Logan nodded and walked out of the kitchen to go upstairs, Alex started shoveling the pasta into his mouth again, “She okay?” I asked.

“Nope,” he said quickly, eating the pasta and watching me from where he sat. I smiled at him and scooted my chair closer his way. He held his spare hand to me over the table and I took it, squeezing hard.

“I can’t leave you like this,” I said quietly, my voice breaking as I said it and he swallowed his food.

“This is nothing I haven’t dealt with before,” he sighed and squeezed my hand, “don’t let her put your life on hold too.”

“Staying with you guys wouldn’t put my life on hold,” I told him quietly.

“It would damn near ruin it,” he growled turning back to his food but not letting go of my hand. 

 

That night after the kids had gone up we laid on the sofa. My feet were over Alex’s lap and he rubbed them absently. I knew he was nervous, the whole farm seemed to be. I had no idea what it had been like with his mom around but her coming back didn’t seem to be anything anyone relished. He didn’t elaborate about the things that led to her recent rehab stint, but I could imagine it included something that meant it was urgently required.

Eric and Mabel spoke about her like she was family, but I had an idea they stuck around more for Alex than her. They were way past retirement age, and yet they stayed to make sure he could handle her and this farm. Mabel tittered about how Emma-Louise would react to the farmshop and I ignored her concern. No one mentioned how she would feel about me staying and my relationship with Alex, but I would be lying if that wasn’t one of my concerns. I was tough, I was hard faced, and I was not to be messed with, but like everyone else I didn’t seek out trouble and I hoped to hell there wouldn’t be any.

“Do you think you’ll even sleep tonight?” I asked Alex as I observed the way he stared at the screen rather than taking in anything happening on it. He was so adorable and strong, and he looked fierce when he pondered. I liked it.

He turned to face me, and he already looked like he hadn’t slept for days. The weight of the world was on his shoulders and he was truly the greatest guy I’d ever met. It hurt me deep inside to see him this way. “I’ll sleep,” he smirked. I shifted and crawled up the sofa to straddle him and he grinned as I settled in his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck. He cupped my butt.

“I hate seeing you like this,” I dropped a kiss to his lips.

“What happened to badass Lacey?” he shook his head with a smile. “You’re getting soft,” he said as he squeezed my butt harder.

“I’m still a badass but you got under my radar.” I grinned and cocked my head to the side, taking in his tired eyes and stubble that made him look older than twenty-five.

“I saw you today with Logan. You’re a big softy and guess what?” he leant in and kissed me lightly.

“What?” I asked breathlessly.

“I have no fuckin’ clue how I would have gotten through these past few months without you,” he said hoarsely.

“You’re tough, Alex. You’re the toughest, most badass guy I’ve ever met and you don’t need me here, that’s clear. The boss is redundant,” I smirked.

“I needed you with these kids,” he pulled me closer. “I needed you to hold me, make love to me, make me laugh,” his voice was gruff, “I thought I’d forgotten how to laugh.”

I swallowed hard, “I can’t leave here and never see you again,” I told him honestly and he pulled his bottom lip into his mouth, meeting my eyes somberly.

“You and I are two totally different creatures,” he took a deep breath through his regal nostrils and sighed. He ran his hand up the back of my neck and into my hair. “I’m here and this is where I’ll always be and you... you’re,” his eyes roamed my face and I heated under his glare, my heart stuttering at his close proximity, “you’re pure perfection meant for more than this place and me. You’ll find some prince who can give you the world. I can’t give you that.”

I bent to kiss him, “I really like you, Alex.”

“You feel sorry for me, like a wounded pigeon you want to save,” he laughed bitterly at his analogy, “you’re a fixer, Lacey, and you came here looking for a project.”

“I came here to escape my life, and I found...life.” I told him. “Where I thought what I had was the best life anyone could want, I came here and found real people and real emotions and...”

“You have to go back.” He rubbed the back of my head and I closed my eyes at his touch, “you’ve brought me to life this summer, Lacey, but I need to face this… alone. I need to get things back on track: my mom, this farm, my business, and get that loan to buy the farm back.”

“There’s no rush,” I whispered. I closed my eyes as he continued to massage the back of my head underneath my hair and held me in place with the other hand on my butt.

He leaned in and kissed me, and I placed my hands on his shoulders, “In another life we’d be in love," I said between kisses.

“In another life you wouldn’t look twice at me,” he leaned his forehead on mine and I shook my head slowly, staring into his eyes.

“I haven’t stopped looking at you since the first day we met,” I smirked. “Come on,” I stood up, switched the TV off with the remote and led him upstairs.

That night I took my time undressing him as he sat on the edge of his bed and looked on with an amused smile. I enjoyed kissing every bit of exposed skin and having him lie back on the bed whilst I removed his pants and socks. I kissed upwards until I found my prize hard and waiting for my warm mouth. I sucked and tugged and teased and massaged his body before I let him roll me over and take me fast and hard. We had to be quiet, but I got him so worked up that he took no mercy as he pounded into me and muffled my moans with his own mouth.

Later as we laid naked, he fell asleep, and I watched him aided by the small light of the TV and began to wonder how I had got to this point. How had I gone from indifference to falling hard for a guy who I lived in a totally different world from. I’d arrived in Celebration Falls hoping to forget and forge a plan and instead I’d been blindsided by feelings I hadn’t felt for years. I didn’t even think I was capable of truly craving someone so much that my insides turned to mush. I hadn’t wanted someone with such a passion since I was a kid and I hadn’t felt my heart actually ache on behalf of someone in forever. Alex gave me every feel in the book and when he hurt, I hurt.

That night he slept like a baby and it was me who spent the night worrying what tomorrow would bring. I knew my going home was inevitable, and I also prepared myself for the ultimate fall. I walked away from my marriage when I didn’t have enough feelings left to care but walking away from this farm, these kids, the people, and Alex, these were all the feelings that made me finally feel alive. I couldn’t stay, this was not my life. I needed to face my life, and I also kept trying to wrack my brains about how I could keep Alex too.