Alex

MY MOM USED TO be the most beautiful mom in the playground. I'd been so proud of her, with her long flowing blonde hair and piercing blue eyes that sparkled when she laughed. Everyone said she was beautiful and all my friends thought she was fun. As I checked her out of rehab she clasped my hand in hers like she was the child. I kept hold of her because I knew that was what she needed me to do. I held her duffle bag over my shoulder and dropped it to use my spare hand to sign the paperwork.

Every time I looked at her she gave me a quick, nervous smile. Her addiction had aged her. She was less than twenty years older than me, but she could easily be confused with being over fifty years old. Her hair was no longer blonde; it was muddy, brittle and a natural bland color, but it was clean at least. She wore it in a band tied at the nape of her neck and parts of it stuck out at the front unruly and would not be tamed, no matter how often she tried to pat them down. She’d gained weight which was never a bad thing for her as she was so skinny when she drank.  Mom smelled clean, floral and cared for and there wasn’t a hint of cigarette smoke which was also another good point. She smoked heavily when she was drinking but in reality, didn’t enjoy cigarettes so much.

She hugged the staff goodbye, letting go of my hand for that and they wished her well. She beamed at their praise and I made a mental note to keep up the praise. Over the years I had struggled with positive reinforcement and in the darkness, I often wondered if that was a reason she failed—no one was behind her now her parents were gone.

As we loaded into the rental to go catch our quick flight home, she began to cry.

“Everything’s gonna be fine, Mom,” I told her, looking across the console at her tear-stained face.

“I’m just happy,” she told me, wiping her tears and looking away from me and out of the window. The problem was I’d heard all her excuses so many times before that they no longer registered with me.

“I’m gonna take care of you,” I told her, refusing to believe her lie, “the kids can’t wait to see you.”

She nodded but didn’t answer.

At home I made sure that when we arrived back we weren’t inundated with the staff. They all knew to get straight off home that day and wait until the morning with any issues. Lacey had made herself scarce and Mabel was home with Sara and Logan when we walked through the door. Logan bounded towards her and engulfed her in a hug, but Sara hung back. She watched our mom warily, but Logan talked at her at a million miles an hour.

I settled her in the living room, made coffee and brought her a sandwich. Mabel hugged her and told her we’d all missed her before sloping off home, so we could all get reacquainted. This was not our first rodeo, we’d been here so many times before and we always tiptoed around her hoping to hell nothing any of us said would send her into a relapse. This was the first program she had actually finished, and this was the first time I’d had nothing to lose. Previously she had owned the farm, and we’d needed her; this time I had a bargaining chip and that had kept her there. This time I’d been strong and told her we had no place for her if she wasn’t well.

I wasn’t sure I’d ever seen her well.

She ate her sandwich slowly, “The food was excellent in there,” she said quietly. Logan sat at her feet and watched her intently. Sara watched from afar on a nearby armchair.

“Yeah?” I asked, distracted and wanting a beer. Of course we now had no beer.

“Yes, Tuesday was always pot roast, and I got to help in the kitchen. You know I do a great pot roast.” She smiled and took a bite out of the sandwich.

“You do?” Sara asked glibly with narrowed eyes.

She smiled at Sara, “I could make something tomorrow...”

“Don’t overdo it on day one,” I said quickly, “how about you take a bath after your sandwich? Your bed is all made up with clean sheets and tomorrow we’ll see how you feel?”

“Right.” She continued to nibble and Logan moved to sit closely to her side. She placed an arm around him and pulled him close. “Missed Momma, kiddo?” she asked.

“Uh huh,” he nodded. They hugged whilst she ate her sandwich and then she took the bath I suggested. When the kids were settled, and she’d taken to her room I quietly made my way downstairs and slipped out the front door. My heart felt heavy. I felt trapped, I felt exhausted, and I resented the useless woman who called herself my mom. All my energy was spent trying my best not to let that show.  

I walked quickly to Lacey's. She’d messaged a few times during the day and they were what had kept me sane. As I neared her cottage, I saw the porch light still on and she sat outside on the veranda chair, a blanket wrapped around her and a glass of wine on the table in front of her as she read her book. She saw me approach and stood with the blanket still wrapped around her body. I stood at the bottom step and her sympathetic gaze swept over me. She stayed rooted to the top step and then simply opened her arms and her blanket. I lowered my head and jogged up the steps. As my body hit hers I thrust my arms around her waist and she wrapped her arms and blanket around me. Her warmth and her smell surrounded me and the heaviness in my heart eased.

I lifted her up, and she tightened her hold of me and kissed my face lightly. “You need beer, wine or sex?” she whispered into my ear and it gave me a shiver of need and a pang of something more than that. She got me, she knew me, and she was here just for me.

“All of the above,” I rumbled out.

“Let’s start with the wine,” she laughed, and I dropped her back down to her feet.

We sat with the blanket draped over both of our shoulders as I told her about my day. She listened, and we shared her glass of rosé wine which she topped up with the bottle that was tucked underneath the table. She told me about her day and the last-minute issues she was having with suppliers and Mabel’s baking crisis where she doubted herself.

She lay her head on my shoulder and we looked out into the darkness. “The first day is always the toughest,” I told her, taking a swig of the wine. She entwined her arm around mine under the blanket and laced her fingers through my own, holding my hand firmly and scooting even closer still. I kissed her head.

“I love you, Alex,” she said quietly. “I know I’m going home and I shouldn’t say it and I should be strong for you and on the worst day ever I should just not say it but... I do.”

She didn’t say anything else, and I took a deep breath, knowing that the feeling I'd had when she said she was going, and the way she made me feel when I thought I couldn’t get any lower, were more than just love. I’d felt love. I’d loved Amber and my family but what Lacey gave me was so much more than that and it terrified me. She was it for me; she was unattainable, beautiful, life changing, and I had no idea why she thought she loved me.

“Hearing that just took the worst day ever and made it unforgettable,” I said quietly, my voice rumbling through the eerie darkness. “I don’t think love quite covers it for me,” I croaked. 

I slept in her cottage that night, my head rested in her warmth and my body entwined with hers in every way. I relished the nights where we’d had that and the fact that when I was with her, I could forget who I really was and what I had to do. The next morning, I left her sleeping and made it home in time for the kids to get up for school.

I changed and headed to work as they ran around the house getting dressed, eating breakfast and making sure they made the bus. Mom didn’t wake and after the first shift at staff breakfast she still didn’t appear. I tried to remain calm, kept telling myself to let her sleep and not assume she’d relapsed. I kicked myself for staying out and not keeping an eye on her. My stomach was in knots and I kept building up the courage to go upstairs and make sure she wasn’t dead. I sighed as everyone babbled around me and I finally pushed myself up on the table to go look inside, then I saw Lacey.

She looked adorable in jeans and a white shirt, her hair piled high on her head and no makeup highlighting her natural beauty. She walked outside with a smile on her face and was joined by... Mom. Mom smiled tentatively as she stepped outside but Lacey kept her close and carried another coffee for Mom, placing it down on the table opposite me. She winked at me and grinned and I watched as they chatted easily. The anxiety I had felt only moments ago melted away as I saw Mom clothed, smiling, and talking, and her eyes looking around her but not darting manically like I had seen so many times before.

I nodded at Lacey and she blew me a sneaky kiss behind Mom's back as she settled into her spot beside her, “So you’re originally from Wisconsin?” Mom was asking, “I had a cousin out that way.”

“Yeah?” Lacey asked, her unshakable and effortlessly bubbly personality easing Mom the more they spoke. “Whereabouts?”

“Ah you won’t know it,” Mom tittered.

“Try me?” Lacey probed. They continued to chat and not once was I asked to join in, but I enjoyed watching so much that I probably wouldn’t have noticed if I was. I couldn’t remember a time when I thought this girl was a pain in my ass. I actually couldn’t remember a time when she didn’t make every single thing about my life a million times better.

“You should be so proud of your son,” I heard Lacey say as she glanced over at me with that award-winning smile.

“Oh. I am.” Mom beamed over at me proudly and her eyes misted over briefly, “no one had such a son,” she croaked.

“This place would be lost without him,” Lacey added.

“So would I.” Mom nodded at me.

“Stop it, guys,” I warned, “I’m sat right here.”

They both laughed, and I gave them a fake glare as I stood up and walked away to the kitchen. Lacey made everything alright. I wasn’t so sure I could manage that without her.

 

Mom was trying her best to slip back into her role, problem was we weren’t really sure what her role used to be. Overgrown teenager seemed to cover it. I’d always been too busy to notice stuff until it got really bad and when she went into rehab the times before I relied heavily on the kids rubbing along with the help of Mabel. However, Mabel was getting older and so were the kids, so I had to take more of an active role this time. It was then that I noticed how little Mom had done and how much the kids needed me. It was tiring and unwelcome, but I started to take control and they needed that. She was trying to be their Mom and at times it was tough to watch.

Sara still asked me if she could do stuff and Mom had been home almost a week. The launch of the bakery was Saturday. At dinner on Thursday, Sara started a campaign, “Sooooo,” she started—Mom had made MacnCheese and we were all trying to swallow it down but it was a little chewy—“Lacey is going to the salon tomorrow to get ready for Saturday and she said I could go with.” She smiled at me with a dazzling grin and raised her shoulders hopefully.

“No,” I shoveled the macaroni into my mouth.

“Oh, Aleeeeex,” she drew out my name, “she needs to talk to you, it’s like one measly day,” she whined.

“I can’t imagine she’d offer this without talking to me,” I sighed and shook my head.

“You’re always way too busy to talk.” She blew out a breath and pushed her plate away. I’m sure my sister knew I would always make time for Lacey.

Logan was eating with gusto and grinning at my mom who was quiet as Sara set out her stall for having the next day off school. “Surely she can...” Mom began, and I cut my eyes to her and she shut up.

“You need to go to school so you don’t wind up a knucklehead who can’t hold down a decent job,” I growled. I’d been in a bad mood these past few days and with Mom around I’d felt irritated and on high alert. I couldn’t relax... unless I saw Lacey. She was giving us space to be a family with Mom, and yet we only had a few days until she left to return to her old life.

“We have the farm,” Logan grinned, “she can work here.”

“She needs to do better than here,” I shook my head and glared at Sara.

“One day!” Sara held up an index finger. “I’m at the top of my class, not hard with all those small-town idiots,” she sighed. “One day with Lacey to look pretty for Saturday,” she pleaded with me with her eyes and folded her arms.

I pointed to her with my fork, “Your grades better not suffer and you see every teacher Monday to ask what you missed!” I said.

“Deal,” she grinned and stood up, “I better go tell Lacey,” she turned to run away from the table.

“What about the dishes?” I asked, but I heard the front door slam.

“I’ll do the dishes,” Mom said with a nervous smile and I nodded.

“We’ll help, Logan,” I nodded and forced a smile. Sara would be at Lacey’s now, so I’d better wait until I could get her all to myself. Somehow along the way we’d admitted our growing feelings for each other but there was no way we could make anything work. I was too busy keeping the farm going and I could never, leave and it was laughable thinking she’d ever stay here longer than the summer. She had gone native whilst she’d been with us but the minute she returned to her own surroundings, she’s be the same Lacey she was before.

“I’ll help,” Logan hopped up from his seat and was the only one with a clean plate. He took his plate and walked to the sink then returned for ours.

“You’re a good boy. Logan,” Mom added with emotion in her voice. “Both my boys are.” She turned to smile at me and her eyes were full of unshed tears.

“Go relax,” I said, “I’ll bring you some coffee.”

“Thanks,” she stood, but I saw her hands were shaking as she pushed down on the table. She was frail and weak. I could see she was struggling, but she was trying.

“Did you take your meds today?” I asked with a furrowed brow, honing in on her hands.

She wrung them together and looked up at me, “Of course,” she looked angry but also defeated, she knew I had to check. “I’m clean,” she muttered under her breath, so Logan wouldn’t hear, “I promise.” I nodded. The next week I’d need to find her some stuff to do to build her strength back up and to keep her occupied; so far daytime TV and trashy romance novels were doing the job.

Logan and I loaded the dishwasher and washed the pans Mom had used by hand. I cleaned the table up and he headed upstairs to get a shower and dress for bed. He always did his homework straight off the bus, something Sara had instilled in him, definitely not something I was ever good at. I picked up around the house a little and folded some laundry, leaving the two of them to watch TV in the living room.

After a couple of hours Sara returned. She poked her head into the kitchen where I sat huddled over my laptop looking at some finances that Johnny had sent me earlier. “Lacey booked me in,” she grinned, “but she needs confirmation from you, ace!” Her eyes were twinkling with happiness and over these past few months I noticed that she looked less like a gothic apparition with dyed black hair and crazy thick eye liner, and more like a naturally pretty girl.

I nodded, “Well gotta look the business for the party, huh?” I leaned back in my chair and folded my arms over my chest.

“Where is she?” she whispered, and I gave her a tight smile.

“Living room with Loges,” I nodded that way.

“You think she’s ...” I knew what she meant: drinking, using, generally fucking up.

“Nah,” I shook my head and gave her a reassuring smile. I didn’t mention her shakes from before which she shouldn’t have if she’d not drunk for months but I wanted to believe her as I didn’t want to have to go through with the consequences if she’d lied. “I think she means it this time.” I nodded, and she leaned her head against the doorframe.

“Hmmm, I can’t get my head round that,” she whispered.

“Go get showered, I’m gonna go over to Lacey’s.” I snapped the laptop shut. The kids knew Lacey and I had been seeing each other and they never mentioned what would happen when she left. I guess it was there for everyone to see. Nothing. It would be over.

“See you later,” she smiled at me and I ruffled her long caramel colored hair.

“When did you stop dying your hair black?” I asked with narrowed eyes.

“Um,” she rolled her eyes in thought, “a while back. Lacey said it’s not great for my skin tone.”

“Huh,” I nodded, “Lacey sure knows her beauty shit.”

I passed the living room door, “I’m going out,” I said into the room.

“See you later,” I heard Mom call. Since I’d been sneaking to Lacey’s at night I hadn’t worked on any of my furniture pieces but soon I’d have all the time in the world, so I needed to make this time with her count.

I jogged lightly to Lacey’s and knocked quickly on the front door walking inside. She was in the back, cleaning in some tiny shorts and vest top combo. Her legs were so slender and smooth that my mouth salivated at the sight. Her hair was down but had one hair tie holding it off her face, she smiled when she saw me, and my heart soared. Every shitty day became better with that smile.

“You look pissed.” She cocked her head to the side and put the cloth she was holding down. I made a beeline for her and she practically jumped into my arms as we collided. 

“I’m better now,” I said into her hair, holding the silky strands at the nape of her neck as I hugged her to me.

“It’ll get easier,” she muttered into my chest, “and if not, you move in here when I’m gone.” Her energy was always effervescent, and she had a way to solve everything.

I stepped back and looked down at her. It sounded like a good plan but every part of this renovated space would just forever remind me of what we had. “You all set for home?” I asked in a low voice. I hadn’t shown much interest in what she faced when she got there but she deserved my support as much as she gave me hers.

She smiled and shook her head, “No.”

“What’s on the agenda? Find a new job? Sort out the mess with the ex?” I raised an eyebrow at the last part.

She reached up and touched my unshaven cheek lightly, “We’re divorcing. He’s scheduled a meeting next week to resolve that little issue and...” she sighed, “I guess I don’t need a new job as I’m managing fine on the portfolios I’m managing and my own investments, but I need to be busy.” She grinned.

“I can tell,” I leaned down and kissed her forehead, “we’ll miss your busy around here.” She had been a whirlwind when she first arrived and in doing so had injected life into the farm where we’d lost our sparkle a little through the turmoil of the past few years. She’d changed things for the better and was opening a goddamned shop on the land, inviting more people to visit. Something I never thought we’d do.

“I’ll miss this place and you. Will you come visit?” Her sparkling blue eyes looked up to me with so much hope that my heart stuttered in my chest.

“I can’t leave them at the moment.” I placed my hands on her shoulders and she slumped a little.

“Maybe in a month or so?” she asked with renewed cheer.

“I’ll try.” She seemed to take that as a win as she lurched forward and hugged me tightly, snuggling into my chest and inhaling my scent. I loved how she made me feel like her world and I struggled with the concept that she had so quickly become the only good thing in mine. “So, Sara and you are playing hooky to go get pampered tomorrow?” She stepped back and looked up to me a little sheepishly.

“I was going to talk to you,” she shrugged, and her teasing smile appeared, “I was going to lay it out there slowly and work up to the ‘can Sara bunk off school?’ question.”

I nodded and folded my arms over my chest, looking intimidating but feeling like I’d already lost any fight that we could ever have. “She better not flunk out,” I pursed my lips with a hint of a smile.

“For one day?” she shook her head, “I used to skip class all the time and I’m a freakin’ genius,” she laughed and slipped back into hugging me, bending her head to kiss my chest.

“You know,” I said gruffly, “I think you should show me how much of a genius you are.”

“Yeah?” she threw her head back and caught my eye, “in the sack?” she grinned wickedly, and I laughed out loud.

I hoisted her up, so she was sat on the edge of the kitchen counter and she giggled, placing her hands on my shoulders, “You know if you visit me in New York, we can do whatever we want when we want.” She said as my lips found hers.

“Sounds appealing,” I added hoarsely as I held the back of her head, taking her loose hair in my hand and securing her butt with my other. She wrapped her legs around my waist and I rubbed my throbbing, hard cock against her sex.

“Let’s get naked,” she giggled, and that was all I needed, stepping back, ripping at my clothes like they were on fire.